When Seungwan awoke in Joohyun’s embrace, the familiar feeling of safety wasn’t quite as overpowering as before, its effect weakened by her doubts. Joohyun was still asleep, her breathing soft and steady as it hit Seungwan’s back in little puffs, one arm curled between their bodies and the other wrapped around Seungwan’s waist so that they were pressed together.

She hadn’t succeeded in keeping her fears entirely concealed. Joohyun didn’t notice right away, but when they were halfway through dinner and Seungwan zoned out yet again, she finally paused the conversation to ask if everything was alright. Seungwan dismissed Joohyun’s question with a reassuring smile, claiming that she was just distracted, thinking about work and their friends.

When Joohyun frowned, not entirely convinced, she sheepishly admitted to be suffering from some delayed stress over the afternoon’s events. This did the trick and Joohyun was quick to reassure her with comforting words and soft brushes of her thumb against the back of Seungwan’s hand.

After dinner, they cuddled in Joohyun’s sofa with some mindless show playing on Joohyun’s laptop providing the background noise and an occasional distraction. Seungwan let Joohyun take over the conversation, focusing on the cadence of her words in an attempt to calm down her fears. Joohyun’s warmth against her helped, as did the way her fingers rubbed slow patterns on Seungwan’s arms.

Despite being the source of her unease, Joohyun’s presence still managed to be soothing, something stable and reliable, at least for the time being. When they went to bed, Joohyun pressed a single kiss to Seungwan’s shoulder, seeming to be awaiting her lead. She pulled her in for a few light kisses, then slowly disentangled their limbs to turn around. The knot in her stomach had been loosened, but she felt exhausted and frail and not up for anything heavier than that. Joohyun understood at once, arms moving to pull her close.

She was surprised at how easily she’d fallen asleep. Joohyun’s warmth and smell and mere existence were infinitely comforting, or maybe she had just been that tired. But the morning came at last and she met it with a coldness in her heart that didn’t match her warm limbs, bundled under cosy sheets and pressed against a cosy girlfriend.

The nauseating pressure at the pit of her stomach refused to lift no matter how much she tried to distract herself, not even when she returned Joohyun’s lazy morning kisses with an enthusiasm that easily grew contagious. She let her hands slip under Joohyun’s pyjama top, embrace skin still heated by sleep, her motions carried by an edge that hadn’t been there last time, but still she couldn’t shake off that ominous feeling.

At breakfast, Joohyun joked about how it was their one-week anniversary and Seungwan said something cheesy like “first of many” or “best week ever” or possibly something else entirely. The truth was that she forgot it nearly as soon as she said it, her mind far away from the conversation. She knew her excuse wouldn’t work forever and soon Joohyun would be worried, so she cut their weekend short right after lunch, claiming that she had to clean her house.

It wasn’t a complete lie. There were plenty of things to take care of, from having a look through the fridge for anything expired to doing a load of laundry to deep-cleaning the bathroom. There was always something when you lived alone. For once, it would work in her favour instead of just being something that she ended up doing against her will when it got too bad to tolerate.

Joohyun accepted the reasoning easily enough, not even protesting that the weekend Seungwan had promised her was cut short. She said something about catching up on some laundry, then set Seungwan free, requesting only that she keep her updated with a text every once in a while.

As soon as Seungwan was safely home, she picked up Mr. Fluffers and buried her face in his thick fur, ignoring his protests. The familiar action, together with the sight of her apartment, with the same old sofa and the same old coat hanger in the corner, and the same not-so-old Love Live poster by the TV, helped to slow the whirring of her mind. She took a deep breath and cleared her thoughts.

She might as well clean the house now. She’d already become a liar, but she could at least avoid being a lazy one. The heavy ball of fur in her arms reminded her that brushing Mr. Fluffers should be in the list, but she’d have to leave it for later since she’d just disturbed him quite radically. She’d leave him on the sofa and come back when he’d fallen asleep.

The kitchen was as good a place as any to start. She rifled through the fridge but didn’t bother with the freezer, moving straight to the counter, which she wiped down. Then she emptied the dishwasher and filled it with the few items she’d left in the sink, so that she could wipe that down as well. She finished up by mopping the floor, realizing about halfway through that her head was beginning to clear.

Back in the living room, Mr. Fluffers lay on the sofa with stretched out legs. She snuck her way to her bedroom to grab his brush then sat quietly by his side. While she brushed him, not receiving many protests from the sleepy figure, she remembered Seulgi’s words.

She’d told her not to isolate herself. Was Seungwan doing that? Maybe she should call her. Maybe her fears were dumb and Seulgi would realize it for her. Maybe she’d overlooked something that would allow her to breathe a little easier.

She took out her phone and dialled Seulgi’s number, putting it on speaker so she could keep brushing Mr. Fluffers. After a few rings, Seulgi picked up.

“Wannie!” she immediately exclaimed. Seungwan could hear muffled conversations in the background and she was quick to realize that Seulgi must be busy.

“Sorry, am I interrupting?”

“No, no, no, it’s fine,” Seulgi assured her as every sound but her voice grew distant. She must be walking away from the crowd. “I'm really glad you called. What's up?”

“Oh, nothing,” she replied evasively. She tapped her fingers against her thigh, the cat temporarily forgotten. “I just said I would, so here I am. Calling.”

Seulgi laughed at the awkward phrasing, more than used to it by now. “I kind of missed you,” she admitted after a pause. “I know you need your space sometimes, but I'm happy you're not avoiding me anymore.”

Her tone was bright, but Seungwan still felt guilty. She hadn't considered that her friend might miss her, not when Seulgi had so many friends and acquaintances to spend time with.

“Sorry,” she mumbled, voice so quiet that she wondered if Seulgi could even hear it. The tapping resumed, a little faster and more insistent.

Seulgi laughed again and the lightness in it cut right through Seungwan's guilt, encasing her in a bubble of safety for the briefest moment.

“It's fine, Wannie. Best friends don't have to see each other all the time,” she declared happily. “But! You did say something about hanging out!” she added with dramatic intensity, making Seungwan laugh.

“I did say that.” She forced her hand to sit still, if only to prove to herself that she was calm. “I guess, whenever you’re free?” she added uncertainly.

“How about now?” Seulgi offered without hesitation. Seungwan cringed at the thought of shooting down her friend’s eager readiness.

“I was actually cleaning up around the house,” she admitted with a groan. Seulgi seemed amused at the information.

“Wow, the place must look pretty bad if it even dragged you away from Joohyun.”

Right. Joohyun. Her girlfriend with whom everything was supposedly fine. The reason why she’d called Seulgi in the first place. But now that she was brought up so lightly, like Seulgi couldn’t even imagine a cloud in the horizon, the thought of confessing her baseless insecurities seemed almost childish. Joohyun hadn’t done anything, Seungwan was just making up problems where they didn’t exist. She should just distract herself and stop thinking about it instead of burdening everyone around her with something that was her own fault to begin with.

“Well, I already skipped the cleaning last week,” she replied, letting the topic of Joohyun drop for the moment. She didn’t want to discuss it over the phone anyway, it would all come out wrong. Maybe she’d change her mind by the time they met in person.

Seulgi hummed to acknowledge her words. After a short pause, she spoke up in an almost mischievous tone. “You know what might help get things done a little faster?”

Seungwan could imagine what she was about to suggest and the thought alone brought a smile to her lips. “If maybe your best friend dropped by to help out and provide moral support,” Seulgi concluded as she’d expected.

“Past experience argues that it actually takes much longer when my best friend helps,” she countered with amusement.

“Well, are you in a rush?” Seulgi asked simply. Seungwan laughed, providing answer enough. “Okay, I’ll be there in half an hour.”

Seungwan ended the call actually feeling a little better. She was about to spend some quality time with Seulgi, which was long overdue, and for a little while she was sure she’d be able to forget about her issues with Joohyun and just be happy and carefree with her best friend.

She suddenly remembered Joohyun's request for updates. She looked at her phone for a moment before composing a quick message.

« Still cleaning away! I recruited Seulgi’s help, but I'm not sure it'll get the work done any faster. I'll text you when we're done :) »

She read it over, unsatisfied with how dry it looked. It sounded like she was texting her parole officer or something. She tried again.

« Hey, how's your afternoon going? I'm still cleaning away. I recruited Seulgi’s help, but I'm not sure it'll get the work done any faster :p Love you <3 »

She spent a few more minutes performing minor edits before she was satisfied enough to send it. Seulgi arrived before Joohyun could respond, probably because she was still busy with her laundry, and Seungwan did her best not to worry. After all, she was the one who had wanted to avoid Joohyun so she should be relieved to be getting space.

It took less than an hour with Seulgi to distract her entirely from her worries. As predicted, they took a very long time getting the house cleaned up, but in their defence, it was only because they weren't very efficient and not at all from lack of effort. At some point, Joohyun answered her text with an apology for the delay and a confirmation that the cause had indeed been the laundry. She was happy that Seungwan was with her friend and hoped they would have fun.

When they finally stopped cleaning, night had fallen completely. Seungwan offered dinner and Seulgi hesitated for a moment, looking towards the front door. She knew what her friend was thinking right away and while it might have phased the Seungwan of earlier in the day, evening Seungwan was happy and relaxed and she didn't think twice before suggesting that they grab some take-out for the three of them and join Joohyun for dinner.

The meal was fun, full of lively conversation and anecdotes, most of them about Seungwan, who had fallen upon the unfortunate role of being the common link between Seulgi and Joohyun. She laughed at the jokes being traded, even finding the humour in all those stories that were usually nothing but embarrassing.

She loved her best friend and she loved her girlfriend and she was so happy that they seemed to like each other and get along. She was in such good spirits that when Seulgi left she didn't even worry about suddenly being alone with Joohyun. She let herself be wrapped in Joohyun's arms, a silly smile drawn on her face as her cheeks were peppered with kisses.

“I'm glad you had fun with your friend,” Joohyun said softly, face by Seungwan's ear as she still held her close.

Seungwan nodded in agreement. It had been exactly what she’d needed. She hadn't even discussed her concerns but already they seemed so trivial and exaggerated. So what if Joohyun had said all those things about her? She'd probably just meant them as compliments, nice things that Seungwan would want to hear. She surely didn't actually believe all of them. She might have an inflated opinion of Seungwan, but she wasn't delusional. She just liked her.

“You know, I'm a little jealous,” Joohyun confessed in a whisper. Seungwan was almost startled by her words, unable to understand why Joohyun would be jealous of her friend. Maybe she was jealous of Seungwan for being close to Seulgi.

“You two have known each other for so long. Compared to that, it's like I don't know you at all.”

Oh. She was jealous of… their relationship? Their history? It was a strange concept to Seungwan, one she'd never considered. She'd never envied Yerim or Sooyoung for knowing Joohyun longer. She'd met her when she did and she'd get to know her as time went by.

“Sometimes I wish we'd met sooner,” Joohyun continued. “That I'd already had more time with you. Is that greedy? That I want so much of you that all the future won't do?”

Her words were dreamy, like thoughts spoken out loud without a filter. Seungwan could see how the words would sound romantic, but there was nothing in her past that she wanted Joohyun to see. She liked where they'd met, after all the mess.

“We could have met later,” she joked in response. She ran her hands up and down Joohyun's back to make sure her words didn’t come off too aggressive. “Like, what if we met when I was 30? You’d already be so old by then,” she added teasingly.

“I’d be 33,” Joohyun immediately replied, sounding affronted at the suggestion that this would be considered old.

“See? Ancient,” Seungwan giggled as Joohyun reached for her arms to immobilize them and pulled away only far enough to make eye contact. Her face was serious, but her eyes twinkled in a way that showed she was only playing along.

“Are you sure it’s a good idea to be calling your girlfriend old?” she asked with a raised eyebrow. Seungwan bit back a smirk.

“Well, I’m not calling you old now,” she reasoned, trying to pull her arms free without much effort. “Only, you know, when you’re 33 and I’m still young and fresh-faced at 30,” she concluded quickly. Without warning, Joohyun launched herself forward to tickle her, not stopping even when Seungwan squirmed and squealed.

When she was finally released from Joohyun’s grip, she panted and held her side dramatically. “You know, you’re very sprightly,” she pointed out.

“For my age?”

“You said it, not me.” She smirked at her girlfriend, quickly reaching out to block any possible tickle attacks. Joohyun looked beautiful in her false indignation, eyes bright and cheeks tinged with a slight flush. “I want to kiss you, but I’m afraid you’ll tickle me again,” she confessed around her smile.

“And it would be entirely deserved,” Joohyun replied with narrowed eyes. “But luckily for you, I also want you to kiss me, so I’ll allow it.”

She happily leaned in, yelping when Joohyun reached for her waist before realizing that she only intended to rest her hands there. The devious smile that pressed itself against her lips as Joohyun kissed her let her know that the deception had been completely intentional.

But then they were kissing and she didn’t really mind anymore, not when her thoughts were too full of Joohyun and how easily she melted into Seungwan, arching her body to press more fully against her. Her hands were under Joohyun’s shirt before she’d even processed it, splayed against her back to pull her in as her girlfriend offered no resistance to that particular suggestion.

Joohyun smelled good, the scent of fabric softener stronger than usual. It was almost intoxicating, although this particular sensation of dizziness, almost like Seungwan was soaring, might have less to do with the pleasant smell and more to do with Joohyun’s hands creeping up her stomach, nails scraping against the skin as Joohyun’s tongue brushed against Seungwan’s lips, gently coaxing them open.

She moaned at the touch, something inside her erupting in euphoria at the way Joohyun froze for just a beat before carrying on. Joohyun’s hands continued their path, far beyond where Seungwan had expected them to settle, until she felt fingers brush against the underside of her bra.

The dizziness intensified and she felt her heart hammering in her chest, in , in her ears. Joohyun broke the kiss, leaving Seungwan to wonder if she’d even been kissing back at that point.

“You should spend the night,” Joohyun suggested in a hoarse whisper.

“We have work in the morning,” Seungwan reminded her weakly. Her hands, still on Joohyun’s back, now served mostly as an anchor to keep her from losing herself completely.

“But if you stay, we can have fun,” Joohyun said slowly, every word dropping on Seungwan’s stomach like a bowling ball. She knew what Joohyun meant. She was enjoying herself and she wanted to keep going, to explore these interesting new sensations and find out what else would draw a moan from Seungwan’s lips or cause her brain to stutter and shut down.

But Seungwan’s instincts were sharpened by experience. Every touch of Joohyun’s was special and nothing like what she’d felt before, every sensation was unique and she did want to fully enjoy every step of the journey along to its inevitable conclusion. But she couldn’t pretend that she didn’t know very well what that conclusion would be. That years of experience didn’t converge to provide a very clear picture, one that was uniquely motivating.

And the truth was that already Seungwan’s entire body was tingling, screaming for relief, for Joohyun’s hands mapping every inch of it and finally travelling where they were so sorely needed. Spending the night would be a terrible idea.

She cleared . “I don’t… I don’t think I should do that,” she admitted in an unsteady voice.

“Why not?” Joohyun asked, appearing genuinely surprised at the rejection. Then she looked in Seungwan’s eyes and slowly grew redder than Seungwan had ever seen her. “Oh. I see. Yes, that’s… Right. Yes,” she said in quick succession, seemingly unable to form longer sentences.

Seungwan felt vaguely embarrassed that the truth had been read so easily in her eyes, but she was mostly relieved that she wouldn’t have to come up with some reasonable excuse and risk hurting Joohyun’s feelings.

She turned around to leave, pulling Joohyun with her to the front door for their goodbyes. Before she could open the door, however, she was stopped by a gentle hand on her arm. Joohyun looked hesitant as she turned to face her more fully.

“Perhaps…” she began, then paused as she looked around the room like she was hoping to find the right words. “Perhaps you could spend the night next time.”

Seungwan’s stomach jolted in place, but she ignored it decisively. “We don’t have to. There’s really no rush,” she said as gently as she could manage.

“Well, yes, but… I do trust you and I love you and I don’t see any reason not to –“

“There doesn’t have to be a reason,” she quickly cut in, affection flooding her body and chasing away the last of the distracting tingling. “The only reason is how we feel. So let’s take our time, okay? Kissing is fun too. And groping,” she added as she waggled her brows, making Joohyun laugh while cringing at the performance. She slapped her arm with no real force, which only made her waggle with even more enthusiasm.

“But, you know,” she carried on once she was sure she’d distracted Joohyun from her worries at least a little. “They’re not just stepping stones to something else. They’re their own thing. So there’s no expectation or anything. It’s just fun,” she finished after a moment, unsure of how to phrase what she wanted to come across. Joohyun seemed to understand, as she took in the words with a steady nod and a thoughtful expression.

She went home feeling a little more confident. She worried about some things and Joohyun about other things, it was only normal in the starting stages of a relationship. As long as she kept Joohyun happy and her concerns didn’t get too out of hand, everything would be alright. After all, it didn’t matter if Joohyun was too good for her. In the end of the day, she’d still chosen Seungwan and all she had to do was ensure that she didn’t regret that choice.