Even though winter was just around the corner, Seungwan was filled with a pleasant warmth, and not just because the campus library had central heating. It helped a little, but what truly had Seungwan so elated that she barely felt the cold was the fact that finals week was about to begin. Now there was a thought she’d never expected to have.

But this time around, finals week didn’t spell out stress, confusion and sleep deprivation. It spelled freedom, in big bold letters that kept flashing back into Seungwan’s mind and driving another wide smile to her face. It spelled out the end of her time tutoring Yerim and, since the two younger women would be busy with their exams and papers, an entire week’s worth of guilt-free, physics-free time alone with Joohyun.

She should probably feel a little bad for relishing the exhausting work that awaited Yerim and Sooyoung, but the part of her in charge of empathy was currently being pushed aside by her inner child, excitedly counting down the seconds until the start of summer break.

Yerim studied her with confused disgust, scowling as another grin spread across Seungwan’s face. “What are you so happy about?” she asked in a monotone, not deigning to spend her precious energy on intonation.

“I was just thinking that sometimes there are advantages to being an adult,” she replied with a dreamy smile. Yerim quirked an eyebrow, but didn’t pursue the ambiguity in Seungwan’s words. She really must be tired.

“Well, can you save the gloating for later? I can’t deal with you and physics at the same time,” she complained sullenly, her eyes moving back to her scattered papers.

“I’d be happy to leave,” she teased in a light tone, but Yerim only responded with a grunt. This definitely wasn’t the right crowd for her giddy mood.

“I liked her better when she was all stressed out,” Sooyoung piped up from her corner, where she was bent over a laptop until her nose nearly touched the screen, typing away with a speed that raised serious doubts over the quality of her prose.

“But her notes did get a lot better,” Yerim replied absently, squinting at a formula like she was hoping it would eventually start making sense. Glancing at the page, Seungwan could already tell that it wouldn’t. She didn’t really understand it herself.

“Just memorize it,” she advised, making a face that she hoped conveyed her own confusion at the topic. She reached out a hand and tapped on the paragraph at the end of the page. “What really matters is understanding why the diffraction happens.”

“Great, I can’t do that either,” Yerim deadpanned, but obediently wrote down the equation and moved down to the explanatory text.

“They did get a lot better, didn’t they?” Sooyoung suddenly asked, momentarily pausing her frantic essay-writing. Her intention seemed to be to simply rest her hands, as she began stretching them slowly, but her eyes were studying Seungwan with light curiosity.

She had much more faith in Sooyoung piecing together the mystery of her sudden confidence and aptitude than Yerim, especially when the youngest woman seemed distracted enough in her attempt to reread the same sentence until it made sense.

“I say this with all the love in my heart, but why are you here again?” she intervened, aiming her words at Sooyoung in the hope of diverting attention from the current topic. Surprisingly, it was Yerim who reacted first, raising her head sharply and fixing her with a warning glance. She frowned at the unnecessary aggressiveness.

“Writing my paper?” Sooyoung suggested lazily, unable to see Yerim’s protective scowl from her position on the sofa behind them.

Seungwan looked between the two in confusion. “Right… Carry on,” she finally said uncertainly, trying to make sense of the situation. As Sooyoung returned her eyes to her laptop, she glanced her way, trying to study her more closely. She looked tired, as expected. She looked haggard, also as expected. Honestly, it was hard to tell whether something was wrong when your subject was about to start her finals. The situation tended to leave people looking like depressed zombies.

But something must be wrong, from the way Yerim had seemed ready to bite Seungwan’s head off if she didn’t drop the topic. Of course, she was intelligent enough not to ask. Yerim clearly wanted the issue avoided, which must mean Sooyoung wanted just the same.

Yerim’s brow was furrowing deeper and deeper as her eyes nearly bore holes in the paragraph she kept reading with furious determination. Seungwan should probably do her tutoring job instead of reflecting on Sooyoung’s personal issues.

“Okay, a picture might help. So, there’s a wave travelling in space and then it hits an obstacle with an opening of length d…” She drew a simple illustration as she explained, trying to remember it the way Joohyun had said it. It wasn’t quite the same, but Yerim still seemed satisfied, hopefully because she’d actually understood it and not just to shut Seungwan up.

The tapping of Sooyoung’s fingers on the keyboard had stopped once more. She straightened her back and rolled her neck from side to side, then she looked at Seungwan again. The smirk on her face made it very clear that a connection had been made and Seungwan could only hope that she was feeling generous and compassionate.

“Joohyun says you guys have been spending a lot of time together,” she commented casually, her eyes back to her laptop even though she hadn’t resumed her typing. “Having fun?” she asked with another smirk. Seungwan almost wished she was simply making improper insinuations like she usually did.

Yerim clearly interpreted her words that way, and she rolled her eyes in preparation for some complaint about how she couldn’t handle both physics and the disgusting image of Joohyun and Seungwan together. Then she paused, pressed her lips into a thin line and opted to say nothing, idly underlining a passage while she awaited Seungwan’s response.

Her own response was delayed by the surprise with which she observed the events. Why was Yerim walking on eggshells around Sooyoung? “Uh… Yeah,” she finally stuttered out. “You guys are too busy to hang out, so I’m keeping her company,” she added in an attempt at something other than a monosyllable.

“How selfless of you,” Yerim retorted sarcastically. Clearly teasing Seungwan was still fair game.

“Yes, I do a lot of selfless things,” she simply pointed out, arching an eyebrow to fully convey the meaning of her words. Yerim seemed to have gotten the message, because she rolled her eyes again and returned to her studies without any further comments. No need to jeopardize her tutoring when they were so close to being done.

“Do anything special?” Sooyoung pursued relentlessly. “All that time with just the two of you, you must have done something besides sitting around and talking about nothing.”

“We went to the park,” Seungwan replied defensively.

“How romantic,” Yerim muttered under her breath, too low for anyone but Seungwan to hear.

“It was nice,” she said honestly, not bothering to react to Yerim’s words. “Until she almost went into hypothermia.” Both women nodded, like they were more than used to Joohyun’s terrible thermoregulation.

Yerim returned to her scribbling, which was becoming decidedly more hopeless, but Sooyoung squinted at Seungwan in suspicion. “You’re not squirming half as much as usual,” she finally remarked.

Seungwan shrugged. “Well, you guys already know I like her, so there’s no point in trying to hide it.”

Sooyoung’s eyes narrowed even further, until her pupils were nearly invisible. Before she could say anything, Seungwan yelped at a sharp pain in her leg, quickly pulling it out of Yerim’s reach. “Sorry, I was stretching,” the younger woman said unconvincingly. “Anyway, I think this is as good as it gets on optics. Now I need caffeine before I do anything else.”

She got up from her chair quickly and paused only long enough to throw Seungwan a significant look, probably in the hope that she’d come along. Her silent offer was rejected and she walked off alone, studying the remaining two uncertainly.

As soon as she rounded the corner, Seungwan was by Sooyoung’s side on the sofa. “So, hypothetically, if I asked Joohyun not to share something with Yerim, how likely is it that she’d tell you?”

“Hypothetically, you’re lucky she even kept your secret from Yerim,” Sooyoung shot back with an amused smile. “She didn’t say anything. But I think you did the right thing, getting her help. Hypothetically.”

She relaxed back into the sofa, relieved that Sooyoung seemed willing to keep her discovery to herself.

“So, are you two actually…” Sooyoung began uncertainly, seeming unsure of how to finish her question. “The lack of stuttering and trying to change the topic is disconcerting.”

It wasn’t the most flattering way to say it, but Seungwan couldn’t deny that it was true. “No, Joohyun hasn’t magically developed feelings for me,” she said with a derisive chuckle. Sooyoung raised her brows but didn’t comment. It was nice that at least one of them had some faith. It would be nicer if it wasn’t entirely unfounded. “I guess I’m just not in denial anymore.”

“Well, that’s the first step.” Sooyoung patted her back reassuringly, giving her a weak smile. It faded quickly and she turned her head back to the laptop, staring at her paper in what seemed a transparent attempt to avoid eye contact.

Yerim’s concern sprang to mind and Seungwan studied her friend’s profile in search of something she couldn’t find. She just looked tired. “Hey, are you ok?” she finally risked asking, once she’d confirmed that Yerim still wasn’t on her way back.

“Ask me after finals,” Sooyoung said with some sarcasm. She was clearly deflecting with humour and Seungwan considering pointing out as much, but she turned away from the computer to face her with sudden composure. “Yerim likes to coddle me. It makes her feel more grown up. But she’s making a big deal out of nothing. I’m fine.”

The conversation was interrupted by Yerim’s return. She looked between the two suspiciously, then settled back in front of her scattered notes. “Well?” she asked with feigned impatience. “Which one of us is getting tutored again?”

The two women on the sofa exchanged amused glances. Yerim certainly wasn’t the most subtle in her efforts to divert attention away from Sooyoung, but Seungwan couldn’t help but find it sweet that she would curb her antagonistic personality to this extent. She concealed a smile as she moved over to the table and picked up the notes on the next chapter.

(…)

She’d had dinner with Joohyun three times this week and it was only Wednesday. Currently, they sat on the sofa side by side, digging into the Chinese takeout they’d ordered. In the fridge, a container of tiramisu ice cream which Seungwan had finally remembered to buy waited its turn.

“Yerim’s exam is tomorrow, right?” Joohyun asked between mouthfuls. Seungwan only nodded, as her own mouth was too full to speak. After all their work, she was certain that a passing grade was guaranteed. She’d like to believe Yerim could even ace it, but that depended more on the test than on the student.

“I asked her to text me once it’s over and let me know how it went, but it’s Yerim, so I’m not holding my breath,” she said after swallowing. “I swear, for someone who’s always on her phone she’s really bad at answering my texts.”

Yerim wasn’t the only one, either. She’d tentatively sent Sooyoung a message to let her know that she was there if she ever wanted to talk and she’d never gotten a response. In this case, she suspected that the issue wasn’t distraction so much as deliberate avoidance. Still, as long as Sooyoung had seen it, she’d know that the option was there in case she changed her mind.

This meant that Seungwan still had no idea what was wrong in that department. She’d tried Yerim, of course, but all she’d gotten was an evasive comment on how the only thing wrong with Sooyoung was that she still had faith in Seungwan’s ability to reanimate her flatlining love life. Which was just mean, honestly.

Maybe after finals, Sooyoung would have more time to think it over and reach out to Seungwan. Or maybe she’d have dealt with it by then. Problems always looked bigger and scarier when you were facing intense academic pressure, after all. Seungwan could attest to that.

“That reminds me,” Joohyun said, pulling Seungwan away from her thoughts. “I wanted to talk to you.”

Those were certainly ominous words. From Seungwan’s experience, nine times out of ten they led to her being dumped, sometimes with an accompanying confession of infidelity. Somehow, the certainty that breaking up wasn’t on the table only made her more uncomfortable at the looming unknown.

“I’ve been meaning to ask for some time now,” Joohyun continued, seemingly oblivious to the effect her ambiguous words were having on Seungwan. She tried to take it as a sign that she couldn’t mean anything too serious, but her brain kept sending out panic signals and they were getting harder to ignore. “I fear I’ve delayed it too long.”

She almost choked on her noodles, which might have been a blessing in disguise because at least it gave her something to focus on. “What did you delay?” she asked against every instinct in her body.

“I wanted to know what you’re doing for Christmas.” Right. Logical. Not scary.

“Oh, I’m visiting my parents for a couple of days,” she replied almost automatically, too busy being flooded with relief. “Why do you ask?” she remembered to add once her brain more or less returned to normal.

“The three of us usually have a Christmas party after the holiday, we wanted you to come this year. It’s on the 28^th, if you’re back in town by then.” She frowned as she tried to remember the date of her flight back, which Joohyun seemed to take as a negative. “I know, I know, it’s a little last minute. I should have asked sooner. But it’s fine if you can’t come, we have the New Year’s party a few days later anyway. Although you might have plans for that, too.”

Joohyun’s eagerness to dismiss Seungwan from all social engagements as soon as they were presented was a little cute, but she eventually raised a hand to stop her before she ran out of air. “I think I can make the Christmas party, my flight back is on the weekend, so that’s the 27^th, right?” Joohyun nodded in confirmation. “And I don’t have any plans for New Year’s yet, I usually just do whatever Seulgi’s doing.”

“Oh, Seulgi’s free to come too,” Joohyun declared without hesitation. Seungwan definitely hoped that she’d be interested, because a party of five that included a minor was sure to be a lot closer to her ideal evening than any of the events where she tended to end up. Plus, if Seulgi opted for a livelier party, she’d have to figure out whether her friend would rather have her there or leave her with Joohyun and the others and be free to enjoy herself. And she’d just insist that Seungwan do what she wanted, which didn’t help at all.

“That’s really nice of you to offer, I’ll ask her,” she replied in what she hoped was a normal timeframe. Her brain kept going on tangents. “Are you sure it won’t be weird for you guys?”

“Certainly not, Sooyoung and Yerim seem to love her.” Oh, right, there was always that disturbing occurrence. She wasn’t sure whether she wanted to provide more opportunities for their interactions, but she already knew that whatever those three wanted they got, so any interference from her part would just be wasted energy.

Joohyun regarded her happily over the top of her carton of food, which she then set down on the table, apparently having finished. Seungwan was done as well, so they took the trash to the kitchen and opened up the real star of the evening, the ice cream. A few experimental spoonfuls told her that the dessert had been approved, so they served themselves generous helpings then returned to the comfort of the living room.

Halfway through the ice cream, Seungwan nearly jumped up in surprise. Joohyun studied her with some confusion, gazing around the living room for anything that could have caused it. “I have to buy Christmas presents!” she suddenly exclaimed, helpfully providing the explanation. “What do I buy Yerim? And Sooyoung? And you?” she enumerated, increasingly puzzled.

Joohyun laughed in response. “Yerim’s been talking about a gaming mouse, whatever that is. For Sooyoung, you can’t go wrong with some nice clothes. I’ll send you the links to outfits I’ve seen her admiring on her computer,” she suggested with a lopsided grin.

Seungwan followed her words like she was listing the secret to eternal life. “And you?” she finally asked. She wasn’t very hopeful, but you did miss 100% of the shots you didn’t take.

“Surprise me,” she replied mischievously and her spoon clean. “This ice cream is much better than I’d expected,” she admitted with admiration. It was easy to conclude from the way she’d already cleaned out her bowl.

“Maybe I’ll get you some more for Christmas, then,” Seungwan said jokingly. Or maybe not completely jokingly. It depended on Joohyun’s reaction.

“Do that and I might just forget that our tutoring arrangement is a secret,” Joohyun threatened lightly, reaching out with her spoon to attack Seungwan’s half-empty bowl. She pulled it away more out of principle than anything and studied her friend’s face.

“You wouldn’t,” she said slowly, her eyes narrowing in suspicion.

“Let’s find out,” Joohyun replied with a shrug. Taking advantage of the fact that Seungwan was focused on trying to pierce her bluff, she suddenly lunged and easily grabbed the ice cream, nearly losing her balance in the attempt.

“You know, you could just ask for it,” Seungwan commented tiredly, although her annoyance was just for show.

Joohyun arched an eyebrow in disagreement. “It’s all about the thrill of the chase,” she said slyly, the effect only partly ruined by all the ice cream still in .

(…)

The rest of the week flew by and then Sooyoung was off to visit her parents, with barely enough time to say her goodbyes. She made sure to leave as soon as she could, since she would have to come back right after Christmas for their party. After a few days, Joohyun left as well, and then Seungwan. Yerim stayed behind until the last possible minute, and Seungwan was sure that she'd find a way out of going home at all if it didn't involve seeing her sisters.

She couldn't say that her relationship with her parents had ever been that bad, even when she'd quit medicine or come out as bi. They showed it when they disagreed with her choices, however gently, but she'd never felt pressured. Like she could only ever be free by challenging them. It must be tough for Yerim to go back home.

“And how's Mr Fluffers?” her father asked, interrupting her musings. She smiled at the mention of her favourite ball of fur.

“He’s great, as fluffy as ever.”

“Is Seulgi looking after him?” her mother intervened, and the comment was innocent enough, but Seungwan was wise to her ways by now.

“She’s visiting her parents, too. I had to hire a cat-sitter.” She focused her attention on the plate in front of her, cutting off a piece of chicken that would stay on her fork until after her mother had spoken. She always got carried away interpreting her silences, even if it was clear that she was just chewing.

“Oh, that makes sense,” her mother said simply. She took a bite, so Seungwan deemed it safe to do the same. “So… Are you and Seulgi…” she started hesitantly, once she'd finished chewing.

“For the last time, mom, I’m not dating Seulgi. She’s my best friend.”

She couldn't imagine Yerim's relationship with her parents, but Sooyoung’s seemed just as implausible. Because she loved her parents, really loved them and missed them and wanted to spend as much of her holidays as she could with them. And Seungwan certainly loved her parents, in the way that people love their families, but too much time with them and her patience would inevitably start to erode. Honestly, moving away had been one of the best things that could have happened to their relationship.

Her mother poked at her food in a way that was intimately familiar to Seungwan. It meant she wasn't going to drop it and was showing just enough reticence not to seem overbearing “I know we didn’t have the best reaction when you told us you were biual, but we really wouldn’t mind if you were dating Seulgi. Or anyone…” she added in a gentle but sorrowful tone.

Her father was staying out of it, as usual, and Seungwan knew better than to appeal to his sympathy. Deep inside, he wanted her to date just as much as her mother, he just externalized it less. “Well, I’m not. Sorry to disappoint.”

“Of course you’re not disappointing us,” her mother hurriedly reassured her. Seungwan looked up from her plate to catch her smile and return it. She was only home for a few days and she really should try a little harder to avoid any pointless arguments. She was usually better at ignoring the well-meant prodding, but maybe her current situation with Joohyun was making her a little more sensitive.

They ate in silence for a few moments before her mother looked up from her chicken again. “Maybe if you were a doctor…” she began, and Seungwan really wasn't sure how this hypothetical was worth exploring when that ship had sailed long ago. Then again, what felt like a lifetime to her had probably flown by for her parents. They certainly seemed to still be adjusting to her new employment situation.

It was probably the combination of circumstances. Her romantic and professional failures had worked together to make her parents fear for their daughter’s future, especially given how they had been introduced to those failures.

First, they'd been entirely convinced that she wanted to study medicine, because she'd been entirely convinced herself, and she was pretty sure they still thought she'd taken the easy way out due to academic stress and insecurity. And it was in bad taste to sound too chipper about working in a morgue, so it was hard to convince them that she was actually happy about her job.

And then there was her personal life, which was an even bigger mess. In high school, she'd kept most of her relationships hidden from her parents because it never felt serious enough for introductions. When she moved away to college and came out to her parents, the whole topic of dating became a bit too awkward to approach, so by an unspoken agreement they had never discussed it. Things were better now, as evidenced by her mother's inept attempt at reassurance, but of course there hadn't been any relationships to mention lately. So her parents probably thought she was some kind of pathetic eternally-single mess that would eventually have to be fixed up with one of their friends’ eligible children. And that made them a little desperate.

“Wow, this chicken is great! Is it a new recipe?” she exclaimed in a timely interruption, as her mother's lips were already moving to continue her hypothetical scenario. Instead, they froze and split into a pleased smile.

“Oh, as a matter of fact it is! And it’s low fat!” Luckily, she could always count on her mother's other interests to escape scrutiny.

“Really? It’s so delicious, I really couldn’t tell.” She stretched her own features into a matching smile. It wasn't entirely fake, since she actually enjoyed talking to her mother about food and discussing any new recipes she'd found lately. But it was a little fake, because nobody would get that excited about chicken, she thought.

“I know, right? If you replace olive oil with coconut oil, it really cuts down on the fat and it tastes even better.” Well, maybe her mother would. Either way, it had certainly worked, and even her father seemed to be perking up, probably relieved that he could safely rejoin the conversation.

After dinner, Seungwan stretched across the living room sofa, enjoying the lavish comfort while her parents were busy in the kitchen. Once they returned, she'd have to scoot to one corner and sit like a normal person.

She focused her attention on the battered novel in her hands. She'd stopped by the library on her way home and picked up a well-thumbed copy of To the Lighthouse, the book that Joohyun had been so excitedly discussing on that one drunken night. She’d been hoping to have a look at it without the pressure of Joohyun's expectations, but now she thought that if she managed not to drop it on her face, then that would be her first and probably last success with the book.

“Hey, kiddo.” Her father announced his presence in much the same way as he had 10 years ago and it brought a little smile to her face, which she hid with a slight repositioning of the book.

“Hey, dad,” she said lazily, pulling her legs back to make room for him. He tapped her foot awkwardly, in acknowledgment of the action.

“Whatcha got there?”

She tilted the cover so it was facing him more directly and let him read out the answer. It was more out of habit than anything else, since she was actually glad for the interruption. She'd been reading the same sentence for so long, she'd cherish any excuse to stop.

“ia Woolf? Fancy stuff,” he said in theatrical appraisal. “What’s it about?”

“Umm… I think they want to go to a lighthouse,” she replied slowly. She was pretty sure that was all that had happened so far. From the way things were going, it was possible nothing else would happen at all.

“Well, that checks out.” He sat quietly beside her, unwilling to disturb any further. Peeking over the top of the book, she could see him studying her fondly and it made her only mildly uncomfortable. After all, she had missed him a little.

She set down the book on her chest and turned to him. “Hey dad? What do you give someone who has everything?” Some part of her regretted asking, the part that had wanted to keep away from all mentions of Joohyun, but it was overpowered by the part that was approaching panic because of the coming Christmas party.

She still didn't have a present for Joohyun, and she was keenly aware that she was running out of time. Yerim and Sooyoung had been taken care of before her trip, all handled in person since she'd done her shopping so late that any shipping would arrive mid-January. Joohyun’s help had been invaluable in that department, but she had nobody to help with Joohyun. Yerim had told her to buy socks “because Joohyun likes boring stuff like that” and Sooyoung had suggested finally confessing her feelings. She wasn't sure which one gave worse advice.

Her father frowned in thought. “A wish list?” he offered with a playful smile. She yielded the required snort in acknowledgment of his unfunny joke. “So, is Seulgi the one who has everything?”

She studied him with narrowed eyes. “Are you probing for mom?” The little she'd said so far was already enough for her parents to speculate for months, so his answer wouldn't really change her mind, but it was important to establish the precedent.

“I’m probing for myself!” He punctuated his exclamation by throwing his hands up in a sign of surrender. “But I will tell your mother anything I find out,” he added after a pause.

She rolled her eyes, because she hadn't expected anything different. “I made some new friends and I don’t know what to give them for Christmas.”

“And they all have everything? You’re making some good connections. Maybe one of them can get you a boyfriend.” His dramatized enthusiasm was somewhat checked by her unamused glare. “Or a girlfriend!”

“Not the issue, obviously,” she grumbled, without any real bite. There was something about her father's playful attitude that made it easier to deal with the intrusions. It felt like an allusion to her earlier, more childish, years more than any judgment of present Seungwan. Not that it hadn't driven past Seungwan crazy. “And it’s just one of them.”

He smiled knowingly at that, almost changing Seungwan's mind on how annoying he could be. But then he patted her foot again and leaned forward conspiratorially. “Well, if they have everything, then you need to give them something they don’t know they want.”

She groaned loudly at his cryptic advice, which only made him laugh. “Personally, I was always partial to your drawings,” he added with a wink. She pulled up the nearly forgotten book to cover her own face, making vague sounds of disgust.

“That was like 20 years ago!” she yelped defensively.

“So think of how much better they'll be now,” he replied without missing a beat, laughing as she groaned again.