It had been a particularly long day, partly due to the fact that Seungwan had left work much later than usual in order to ensure she didn’t run into Joohyun on the way home. Some part of her felt guilty to be avoiding her friend like this, but she knew it was for the best. If she really was serious about getting over Joohyun, then she needed some space, and that meant subtly changing her schedule to avoid unnecessary interactions. Not that she’d consider any interaction with Joohyun unnecessary, of course.

Regardless of phrasing, the truth was that if she spent too much time with Joohyun she’d only become more and more hopelessly infatuated. So she was being an adult about it and sneaking into her own home once she was sure the coast was clear.

Seulgi thought it was dumb, of course. But Seulgi was a functional member of society who didn’t have to deal with stupid crushes, so what did she know? Seungwan was a different breed of human altogether. Poor choices and embarrassment were so customary in her life that she had given up on avoiding them and just did her best to minimize the inevitable disaster. She was a kind of social Icarus, flapping her wings ever closer to the sun of public humiliation.

She was home, finally. She sighed in relief, ready to focus on anything other than the self-deprecating spiral she’d inadvertently stepped into on her way from work. Lately, she just spent her subway rides anticipating Joohyun’s company, wondering whether or not she’d be there, trying to come up with something funny or cool to say. Once those topics were gone, it seemed that her mind gleefully rubbed its hands together before going to town on her self-confidence.

She’d already taken off one of her boots before she noticed she had company. Not even bothering with a reaction, she simply returned her attention to her footwear, lovingly stepping into her warm and comfortable slippers. Then she gauged the amount of free space on the sofa and decided to sit on one of the nearby chairs instead.

“What’s up?” she asked her two younger friends casually. Some part of her wondered if she should be alarmed at the fact that having those two in her apartment didn’t even register as an event anymore. Maybe she’d examine that a little deeper when she wasn’t feeling quite so tired.

The television was on and both women were staring at it in deep concentration, following the movements of a muscular man in combat gear who seemed to be making his way slowly through some undergrowth. Given how focused those two became when playing shooters, she wasn’t too surprised that the only acknowledgment of her presence was Sooyoung’s small grunt.

She wanted nothing more than to step right into bed and drift off to sleep under her cosy covers, surrounded by an excessive number of fluffy pillows, but unfortunately life as an adult usually required having some form of dinner before going to sleep. And she was feeling a little hungry, now that she thought about it.

“Are you guys staying for dinner? I have enough leftovers for one, so I’ll only cook if you’re eating.” She stretched out her legs, trying to recover enough of her flagging energy to stand back up.

“Whatever,” Yerim muttered, her eyes still on the TV. Mr Fluffers, who’d finally perked up at the mention of dinner, stretched languidly and rose into a sitting position to keep better tabs on the situation.

Seungwan had finally managed the herculean task of getting back up, but the noncommittal answer stopped her on her way to the kitchen and she turned back, leaning against the wall.

“You say that now, but later when you’re hungry we both know I’ll be the one without dinner,” she pointed out tiredly, not really bothering with a matching facial expression because she knew she wouldn’t be dignified with eye contact. When she was once again met with nothing but silence, she walked closer to the sofa, wondering whether she’d live to tell the tale if she stood in front of the TV and demanded her guests’ attention.

She was still weighing the pros and cons when she finally noticed that the controller wasn’t in Sooyoung’s hands. That was pretty weird. Sooyoung was usually the one playing the games and Yerim settled for raiding Seungwan’s manga collection because apparently consoles were for casuals. Whatever that meant.

“Yerim, are you playing my shooter games?”

The two women finally looked at her and it was plain that Yerim’s face was darkened by something other than deep concentration.

“Yeah, sorry, did I forget to ask for permission?” the younger woman answered flatly, infusing her words with a sizeable dose of sarcasm.

“Okay then,” Seungwan replied slowly. Clearly, engaging with Yerim was not the way to go at the moment. “Sooyoung?” she asked simply, turning to face her other guest.

“Yeah, we’re staying,” she said distractedly, her attention fully on the screen. She was squinting in disapproval of something happening in the game, but she’d evidently reached the same conclusion as Seungwan because she didn’t seem eager to share her complaints with Yerim.

“Okay, I’ll go cook then. Help me in the kitchen?” she added, fixing Sooyoung with what she hoped was a significant look.

“Ugh, why do I have to –“ Sooyoung began automatically, but she was silenced by Seungwan quickly widening her eyes and tilting her head towards Yerim. After a confused pause, she groaned and made her way off the couch. “Fine,” she whined, dragging out the word.

“Oh my god, you don’t need to go whisper about me behind my back,” Yerim suddenly spoke up, catching both women by surprise. She looked away from the game momentarily, which caused Sooyoung to squint even more intensely. She really wasn’t enjoying Yerim’s carefree gameplay. “Look, I’ll tell you at dinner, okay?”

Seungwan nodded, accepting the deal easily. She was way too tired to be tiptoeing around things, anyway. “Okay then, I’ll go get it ready.”

“Do I still have to help?” Sooyoung asked hopefully, lingering by Yerim’s side.

“If you were nice, you would.”

“Ugh, fine,” she groaned, dragging her feet away from the sofa. Yerim snorted, apparently not too upset to mock her friend.

“Whipped,” she commented with a smirk, dodging to avoid Sooyoung’s attempt at smacking her arm.

“Shut up, you’re going to get sniped,” Sooyoung replied in a huff. Her words seemed to have been prophetic, because almost immediately the character on the screen let out an undignified grunt and fell to the ground. Yerim looked at the screen in shock, then her eyes narrowed in frustration as she finally registered what she’d been doing. “You were standing in the middle of an open field, genius,” Sooyoung helpfully pointed out.

“Go make dinner,” Yerim muttered sullenly, already moving through confirmation screens to re-start the mission.

Dinner was ready in no time, with Sooyoung’s reluctant help effectively reducing the preparation time. She grumbled her way through slicing the various vegetables Seungwan set before her and all the gracious host had to do was slip them into a pan and wait. Once they were done, she added the rice and then divided the results between three plates.

There was a fresh round of grumbling at the absence of meat, because apparently her guests were growing girls who needed to be fed appropriately, but the complaints were quickly hushed when Seungwan mentioned all the ice cream she had in the freezer. It wasn’t long before all three women were munching away in happy silence.

“So,” Seungwan finally chanced, once they were halfway through their meal and their eating pace had slowed a bit. “Is this about a girl?”

Yerim snorted derisively, gazing at Seungwan with scepticism while she finished chewing. “Oh yes, I came to you with girl trouble,” she said after she’d swallowed. “So, what should I do? Stare at her for a year and never make a move?”

“Do as I say, not as I do,” Seungwan muttered in response, although she wasn’t that invested in winning that particular battle. “So, not about a girl,” she added in a louder voice, hoping to steer the conversation away from the humiliating topic.

Yerim was suddenly very interested in her rice, poking at it with full concentration. Sooyoung, who had been following the exchange silently, sighed and finally spoke up. “So finals are coming up and Yerim’s –“

“Hey!” Yerim interrupted, looking equal parts offended and uneasy.

“What? I have things to do, I don’t have time for you to beat around the bush for three hours,” Sooyoung replied casually, shrugging in a display of nonchalance.

“Gee, I’m sorry if my personal troubles are interrupting your lively social life of sitting around listening to your neighbour having loud in –“

“Yerim’s failing physics,” Sooyoung interrupted sharply, throwing her younger friend a petulant glare.

Yerim let out a high-pitched sound of displeasure, leaving Seungwan wincing at the sudden noise. “You know, just because nothing happens in your life, it doesn’t mean you can –“

“If by ‘nothing happens’ you mean I pass all my classes because I’m a responsible adult –“

“If you’re such a responsible adult, then why did you set off the fire alarm trying to cook bacon on your curling iron?”

“Girls!” Seungwan quickly shouted before the argument got completely out of hand. “Make up or nobody gets ice cream,” she added sternly.

Both women grew silent at once, probably more out of the shock of the situation than any actual fear or respect of Seungwan’s authority.

“Fine, dad,” Yerim finally acquiesced, emphasizing the last word with an eyeroll. Sooyoung threw her a complicit look and Seungwan vaguely wondered if the demon children ever bonded over anything other than mocking her.

“Why am I the dad?”

“Because Joohyun’s the mom, obviously,” Sooyoung replied, smirking at Yerim, who was quick to return it.

“So? Why can’t we both be moms?” The smirks grew and Seungwan felt her face warm up unwittingly. “Not that I’m saying, you know, that we’re- It’s not like- It’s just heteronormative,” she finished in an embarrassed murmur, crossing her arms defensively. Her guests only snickered in response, so she quickly got up and started clearing the table before the situation could escalate.

Soon enough, they were settled on the sofa, each with a generously filled bowl of ice cream. Sooyoung was digging into hers happily, but Yerim merely tapped her spoon gently against the ceramic container while her teeth gnawed on her lower lip. She seemed conflicted and Seungwan wanted to put her out of her misery, but she felt that bringing up the subject herself would only pressure the younger woman.

She got through a few more spoonfuls before Yerim finally spoke up. “So I’m failing physics,” she said sullenly, like it physically pained her to admit it. Seungwan nodded solemnly but didn’t reply. After a small pause, she grimaced and continued. “I… need help,” she admitted between gritted teeth. Behind her, Sooyoung grinned victoriously, but she was wise enough not to verbalize her gloating.

“My help?” Seungwan asked hesitantly, to which Yerim simply nodded. “I don’t… Why are you even taking a physics class?”

“I had to take a science elective, okay? It seemed a lot easier in high school,” she added with a frown, digging her spoon deep into the half-melted ice cream but not making any effort to eat it.

“Well… Physics is hard, yeah,” Seungwan agreed with a shrug. “It was hard for me too. Are you sure there isn’t someone you can ask at school?”

“Not on such short notice,” Yerim said with finality. She started twisting the spoon from side to side, disfiguring the ice cream entirely.

Seungwan knew better than to remind Yerim that she shouldn’t have let it come to that point, at least not at the moment, while she was inflicting such unnecessary violence on poor innocent ice cream. She tapped her nails on her own bowl instead, mulling over the situation.

“Then couldn’t you ask Joohyun? She probably studied more physics than I did, I mostly know chemistry and biology and stuff. More medically relevant.”

“We’re not telling Joohyun about this,” Yerim quickly interjected, her brows furrowing with almost threatening gravity. “I don’t need her help.”

“But you need mine?” Seungwan squeaked out almost fearfully. She hated to be that person, but she also hated being solely responsible for someone else’s academic future. She had hated it enough when it had been her own academic future.

Yerim dug herself deeper into the sofa and her eyebrows knitted together even further. “She doesn’t need to know I messed up,” she said reluctantly. “It won’t happen again. But now I need your help.”

“You know, Joohyun’s not actually your mom. She won’t –“

“We’re not telling Joohyun,” Yerim repeated with finality. Sooyoung aimed a shrug at Seungwan, as if to communicate the uselessness of arguing this point, but otherwise maintained her neutrality.

She sighed deeply and put down her half-filled bowl, appetite suddenly gone. She hadn’t even started and she already regretted whatever it was she was about to agree to. Yerim looked at her expectantly.

“Fine,” she said unhappily. “So what do you want me to do?”

Yerim put down her bowl next to Seungwan’s, then straightened up and looked into Seungwan’s eyes. “Tutor me?” she requested with uncharacteristic shyness. Suddenly, Seungwan was reminded of just how young she was, realizing how overwhelmed she must feel to be reaching out like this. She really couldn’t do anything but nod in agreement.

She was surprised to find her friend’s arms wrapped around her back as she pulled her into a short but extremely unexpected hug. She began talking rapidly as she pulled back. “Thank you, thank you, I promise I’ll study everything by myself too, I just need someone to explain it in a way that makes sense to me and I’ll –“ she fired off in a single breath. Seungwan was almost worried that she’d asphyxiate.

“Cute,” Sooyoung finally intervened, cutting Yerim’s tirade short. Her friend didn’t waste any time in turning around with a pillow and driving it into her face. She pushed it away while laughing, clearly not worried for her own safety.

Their scuffle showed no signs of stopping and eventually Seungwan reached for the bowls, trying to get them to safety before a stray arm or leg managed to knock them over and make a mess on her carpet.

By the time she returned from cleaning things up in the kitchen, her guests had finally separated and were now chatting easily by the door. Sooyoung approached her with a smile, settling a friendly hand on her lower back as she approached.

“So, do you mind if I sleep over?” she asked shamelessly. Seungwan studied her without saying a word, pretty sure that the look on her face was more expressive than anything she could have said. Sooyoung simply tilted her head in acknowledgment before carrying on. “Yerim’s going back with her girlfriend and, as you know…”

“You’ll third-wheel over my dead body?” Seungwan suggested once it became clear that Sooyoung was awaiting her input. The taller woman nodded with a pleased smile, her hand leaving Seungwan’s back to pat her head.

“She’s not my girlfriend,” Yerim said belatedly, too busy tapping away at her phone to pay closer attention to the conversation. “Anyway, I’m going now, bye,” she announced before quickly slipping out of the apartment, not even giving Seungwan the chance to argue. Her head popped up a second later as she uttered an embarrassed “And, uh, thanks I guess,” before she was gone again.

Seungwan looked over at Sooyoung, who was studying her expectantly. “You’re sleeping on the couch,” she finally grumbled, pulling away before the condescending head-patting could recommence.

“Of course,” Sooyoung conceded with a smirk. “Wouldn’t want you getting any ideas,” she added cheekily, finishing off her performance with a wink that pulled a groan from deep within Seungwan’s chest. She stalked off to get some blankets and a pillow, eager to disappear from Sooyoung’s view before a grin took over her face.

Maybe those two really were her friends. Was it weird how full her heart felt at the thought?

(…)

“Seulgi,” Seungwan called out dramatically, not really looking to see whether she’d caught her friend’s attention. “Seulgi, physics is terrible,” she continued in a whining voice. She checked the number of slides still left on the presentation she was currently studying and found that it was exactly one fewer than the last time she’d checked.

Seulgi looked up from her phone to frown at Seungwan in sympathy, lifting a hand to rub her back gently. “I know, Wannie, it’s the worst,” she agreed easily. “But it looks like you’re getting it?” she attempted, although the fact that her statement trailed off into a question somewhat undermined her effort.

Gazing down at the scattered pages of notes that covered most of the dining table, Seungwan couldn’t really blame her. She wasn’t quite sure how much she understood either, but she was too afraid to try some exercises and find out. What she really wanted was to close her laptop and let her head fall on the table for some moments of peaceful oblivion.

“Why did I agree to do this?” she groaned, well aware that she was mostly just trying to procrastinate returning to the slides. Those evil, evil, unending slides.

“Because you’re a good friend,” Seulgi replied simply, flashing her a proud smile. “Now no more chatting unless it’s about… tensile and compressive stress,” she added, after squinting at the slide title for a moment. Clearly she’d seen right through Seungwan’s procrastination tactics.

Her eyes were back on her phone and Seungwan watched her for a moment. Seulgi hadn’t been the biggest fan of academia back when they were in college and, through hard work and concentrated effort, she’d certainly earned the right to never be exposed to it again. And yet here she was, losing a sizeable chunk of her precious weekend because of Seungwan’s poor decisions in life.

It seemed almost criminal to keep someone like Seulgi locked up at home without even entertaining her with conversation. She belonged out there, in the fresh air, among the people. Seulgi was the type of person who planned weekend trips to go hiking out of town, and seeing her sitting there absently scrolling through her social media feeds felt wrong.

“Are you bored?” she asked guiltily.

“Shouldn’t I be asking you that? You’re the one who’s studying…” Seulgi looked over at the slides and frowned slightly. “Oh, still the stress stuff.” Seungwan wasn’t sure whether she genuinely hadn’t noticed it was the same slide. In her defence, they all looked the same, with a title, a picture, and a wall of text.

“Yeah, but I have to do it,” she insisted, whirling her pen around her fingers. She hadn’t expected to recover that particular nervous habit from her college days, but life took some funny turns. “You could be out there. Free. Living your best life.”

Seulgi giggled at her word choice, then reached over to squeeze her shoulder supportively. “I’m here because I want to, Wannie,” she reassured her with a wide smile that nearly squeezed her eyes shut. “And I’m not bored. I like spending time with you even if we’re not doing anything.”

Seungwan couldn’t imagine how this could possibly be anything but tedious for Seulgi, but she didn’t push the topic further. Finally dragging her eyes back to her laptop screen, she was reminded of just how much material she still had to go through. There was a reason she’d spent her entire time at college avoiding last-minute studying. It stressed her out to no end.

This was going to take ages and Seulgi was going to lose her entire day. There was also a possibility that Seungwan would lose her mind.

“What if…” she began hesitantly. Seulgi looked up, probably about to direct her back to the physics. “We go get something to eat when I finish this topic?” she suggested hopefully. Seulgi quirked a suspicious eyebrow.

“Is this because you think I’m bored?” she asked with surprising insight. Seungwan quickly shook her head in denial, opening her eyes wide to look as innocent as possible. “Is it because you don’t want to study anymore?” she tried again.

After a moment, she admitted with a guilty nod. Seulgi giggled and patted her head in approval. “That’s a motive I can respect,” she said, still giggling. “Do you want to get that chocolate cake you like?” Seungwan nodded again, with renewed energy.

Turning back to her slides, pen confidently raised and papers gripped tightly in her hand, she studied the text for a moment before deflating. Right. Physics was still terrible.

The chocolate cake was almost delicious enough to make up for Seungwan’s afternoon. Another bite forced her to reconsider. It was more than delicious enough. She wasn’t sure how the slice on her plate could have been shaped by mere mortal hands from the same ingredients she kept at her house. It made her baking almost feel like an insult to the noble art that produced such perfection. She couldn’t believe Seulgi refused to share in this elevating experience.

“The cheesecake is really good too,” Seulgi muttered defensively under the full force of Seungwan’s judgemental glare. Apparently her thoughts were clear enough, or maybe it was because they went through the same thing every time they visited the café.

“This cake isn’t just really good, Seulgi,” Seungwan replied with deadly seriousness which was only slightly undercut by the emerging grin. “This cake is art.”

“I know, I know. The cake is proof that man is essentially good. It’s the golden ratio of flavour. In a million years, when the last civilization has crumbled away, if the recipe for this cake is the only reminder of humanity’s presence on the planet it’ll all have been worth it,” Seulgi recited with an amused eyeroll. So maybe Seungwan ranted a little too much on the topic. Why did she have so many opinions regarding desserts, anyway?

“Do you think if I ask nicely they’ll give me the recipe?” she asked, mostly because it was what she always said at this point. Seulgi chewed thoughtfully, looking off into nowhere.

“You can try,” she finally replied with a shrug. They both knew she wasn’t going to so she didn’t even bother pointing it out. They settled into silence, too busy chewing to talk further.

“So, any plans for after this?” Seungwan asked, still a little guilty at having stolen so much of Seulgi’s precious weekend. Her friend nodded eagerly, mouth stretched in a wide smile.

“The nurses are all getting together for dinner. We’re checking out this new barbecue place near the hospital,” she said happily. “You can come too, if you want,” she added quickly, the honesty of the invitation showing clearly in her eyes.

A prolonged social situation with a bunch of people she didn’t know that well sounded terrible, especially after the tiring day of studying she’d had, so she scrunched up her face in an expression of apologetic rejection that must be familiar to Seulgi by now. Her friend laughed, accepting it without argument.

“Yeah, I didn’t really expect a yes to that,” she admitted easily. She finished her cheesecake, well after Seungwan had cleaned her plate of any traces of chocolatey goodness, and set down her fork gently. “Are you going over to Joohyun’s or is the rest of today reserved for being a shut-in?” she asked without malice.

“Oh, there’s not really anything happening today,” Seungwan said absently. “Yerim and Sooyoung are busy with finals, so they stayed at the campus.”

“So Joohyun’s alone at home?” Seulgi asked, suddenly looking affronted. Seungwan shrugged to communicate that yes, she probably was. “We should have invited her to come with us, you dummy!” she exclaimed, leaning forward to slap Seungwan’s shoulder, although not with much force. It didn’t stop Seungwan from rubbing at it defensively.

“I’ve never seen her leaving the house voluntarily,” she pointed out hurriedly. “I didn’t want to impose on her at the last minute like that.”

“She’s your friend!” Seulgi insisted, looking exasperated. “It’s not imposing to ask if she wants to go have cake.”

“Maybe she doesn’t even like cake,” Seungwan muttered unconvincingly, slumping down in her chair as she avoided Seulgi’s eyes.

“Wannie, you shouldn’t avoid her,” Seulgi said wisely. She was too good at seeing right through Seungwan; it made it hard to keep up the denial. “She’s your friend. I’d be really sad if you started avoiding me.”

“I’m not… It’s just…” she attempted, but the sentences didn’t really go anywhere. Seulgi watched her with a look that was hard to read. She seemed sad, like she wanted to help but wasn’t sure how. It wasn’t her area of expertise, after all.

Or maybe it was the fact that she’d been on Joohyun’s side of things a few times before.

Seungwan reached for Seulgi’s hand, wishing she could will away her sadness. Maybe she could erase her own troublesome feelings while she was at it. Love really was more trouble than it was worth.

“I’ll go say hi when I get back home,” she finally offered, squeezing her friend’s hand for emphasis. Seulgi smiled in response, clearly placated by the suggestion, and Seungwan was relieved to see some of the lightness return to her eyes.

After paying the bill, they walked together to the subway station, where each headed her own way. The ride home was silent and thoughtful. No matter how hard Seungwan tried to push them away, the same doubts kept surfacing, dancing to the pace of her impatiently tapping foot.

Far too soon, she stood in her own hallway, staring down the door that remained between her and Joohyun. Her heart hammered in her chest. She couldn’t even get her arm to rise from her side and knock. After a few panicked breaths, she rushed into her own apartment and sat heavily on the nearest chair.

She knew it was the cowardly thing to do. She still remembered Seulgi’s face, that lingering hurt, the helplessness. But her mind kept running back to her own thoughts. She’d been carefully avoiding the word for so long that she wondered if some part of her had realized it much earlier.

Love was more trouble than it was worth. But since when had she been thinking of love?