It turned out Joohyun really did have something extremely alcoholic, and Seungwan spent the rest of the afternoon nursing a glass of gin and tonic that tasted a lot like gin and gin. Which she didn’t even like.

As curious as she might be about the others’ conversation, she was certain that as soon as she approached them the topic would turn to her. The two youngest were already scary on a normal day, so she could only imagine the onslaught with Seulgi present to give them further ammunition.

Her reluctance was clear enough that Joohyun must have taken pity on her, because she was the one who suggested, after a few moments of awkwardly standing by the kitchen entrance, that they simply sit on the nearby stools and leave the others alone to get acquainted. Seungwan sat down with a barely suppressed sigh of relief and Joohyun patted her leg wordlessly, clearly aware of her suffering.

She took another sip of the gin and tried to hide her distaste. It wasn’t just that the drink left an unpleasant bitter aftertaste after every swallow. It was also the fact that she was much more used to beer and the high alcoholic content of the barely diluted drink burned through her, its sharp trace unpleasant and unavoidable.

“So… You’re a fan of gin?” she eventually asked, hoping to start a conversation. The more she talked, the less she had to drink.

Joohyun turned to her, pulling her gaze away from the sofa, which she’d been studying quietly. A smile danced on her lips. At least one of them was pleased with the new friendships blossoming, it seemed. She nodded in lieu of response, bestowing her full attention on Seungwan.

“Oh, that reminds me,” Seungwan said quickly, before she could get lost in Joohyun’s eyes or something equally ridiculous and embarrassing. “That time we ran into each other in the elevator, when you were bringing the pizzas home…”

“After your date?” Joohyun inquired helpfully, and Seungwan tried not to cringe at the memory. Of course she’d remember that part.

“Yes, that,” she muttered, scratching the back of her neck. “You guys were drinking, I don’t know if you remember.” Joohyun looked away at her words, looking a little embarrassed herself. She nodded again. “But I haven’t seen you drinking since then. Like, whenever we hang out. Were you celebrating something or…”

Joohyun was definitely used to her trailing off, because she immediately answered. “No, we do drink casually every once in a while,” she explained in a neutral tone. She looked down at Seungwan’s drink, making her wonder if she should take another sip. It couldn’t have been that long, right? She could still feel the bitterness on her tongue.

“I was…” Joohyun started up again, almost startling Seungwan as she’d already gotten lost in thoughts of just how awful gin tasted. “I was a little embarrassed of the way I acted with you,” she admitted slowly. Her hands rubbed at her own legs like she was smoothing invisible creases on her jeans.

“It wasn’t that bad,” Seungwan quickly replied. It hadn’t been bad at all; she still treasured the memory of Joohyun complimenting her, smiling conspiratorially, preening at Seungwan’s compliments. But Joohyun didn’t need to know that. “You were a little friendly, but it wasn’t uncomfortable or anything.”

The relieved smile on Joohyun’s face was more than reward enough for her awkward reassurances, especially when one of her hands left her jeans to squeeze Seungwan’s hand gratefully. She smiled nervously and reached for the gin, taking a drink so she’d have something to focus on besides the feeling of Joohyun’s soft fingers closing around her wrist.

She broke into a choked cough as she was reminded that she hated gin. Her chest was on fire, but she quickly blinked away the tears that had formed in the corners of her eyes and waved her hands dismissively, trying to communicate that she was fine while was still out of commission.

Joohyun, who had gotten up to slap her on the back, returned to her seat dubiously. Seungwan was sure that the occupants of the sofa were also studying her, but she determinedly avoided looking their way, keeping her eyes trained on the half-empty glass that was responsible for all this.

“You don’t like gin very much, do you?” Joohyun asked sympathetically, reaching out to pull the glass away. Seungwan shrugged guiltily.

“I’m… more used to beer.”

Joohyun laughed softly and took her own sip of the drink. Seungwan inwardly thanked her for rescuing her from the evil, but it didn’t escape her notice that Joohyun’s lips were now placed where hers had been moments before. Someone more childish and immature than herself might have considered it a kind of indirect kiss.

“Then I should buy some beer for next time,” Joohyun commented casually, moving the glass around just enough for the liquid inside it to swirl in a lazy circle. She looked up with a hopeful smile, which Seungwan returned happily. Like she could ever not return Joohyun’s smiles. “Sooyoung and Yerim will appreciate one last party before they have to buckle down and focus on their studies,” she added with pleasure.

Seungwan was more than certain that there would be at least a dozen college parties before finals, but she didn’t see the point in mentioning that. She was too excited at the prospect of Joohyun’s drunk affection, her warm hugs and easy smiles. She still remembered the way her eyes had sparkled, bright and open.

That gin must have worked its way to her brain faster than she’d expected, because she was incapable of fighting the dazed smile that she knew was fixed on her face. Suddenly, the thought of getting drunk with Joohyun didn’t seem quite so appealing. Maybe she was in over her head.

(…)

She was definitely in over her head. First of all, she’d been so out of it that she hadn’t even noticed that she’d accidentally agreed to meet Joohyun again next week. It was only as she was going home that she’d realized, her hand moving up of its own accord to drag down her face in frustration.

Second of all, she hadn’t fully registered the fact that she would be drinking too. Exactly one week later, as she dragged her feet to her neighbour’s apartment, she considered her options nervously. Most of all, she was afraid of what she might say under the influence of one too many drinks. wasn’t her most loyal ally in the best of days.

In the end, she resorted to sipping at her beer, taking so long to get through one glass that Joohyun probably started wondering if she hated it just as much as gin. Well, at least Seungwan was pretty sure that Joohyun wasn’t wondering about that after a while.

Because, third of all, Joohyun was way too friendly when she drank. She wasn’t even that drunk, just enough for her speech to come out a little slower, for her cheeks to flush, for her eyes to look bright and the slightest bit unfocused behind her glasses. And Seungwan would know how her eyes looked because Joohyun was currently draped across her lap, arms clinging protectively around Seungwan’s neck and face much too close for comfort.

She threw another panicked look at Sooyoung, who ignored her masterfully, pretending – and only pretending, as her growing smirk made very clear – to be entirely focused on some weird card game she was playing with Yerim.

Those two were interesting cases. Sooyoung had had three or four beers now, Seungwan had lost count at some point, but she looked fine aside from a slight flush. On the other hand, Yerim had finished her one allowed can – she was a minor, after all - early in the evening and spent the rest of the time sneaking sips out of everyone else’s drinks, yet she looked much more affected than her friend. Maybe because she’d also taken sips of Joohyun’s deadly gin and tonic, which contained only trace amounts of tonic.

“Are you listening to me?” Joohyun suddenly demanded, far too close to Seungwan’s ear. She cringed away, half because of the volume and half because she could feel Joohyun’s breath against her sensitive skin. Joohyun straightened her glassed and proceeded, like it was of the utmost importance that Seungwan follow her words. “It’s just so interesting how Woolf places Mrs. Ramsay against Lily. A straight modernist interpretation might see it as the clash between traditional values and a more emancipated position for women. But taking into account Woolf’s uality, we can easily see another clash, between her desire to fit in the heteronormative role expected of her and her attraction to women that becomes associated with all the ways in which she deviated from expectations. I mean, Lily is clearly coded as a lesbian and –“

“Why don’t we leave the rants about ia Woolf to Yerim?” Seungwan suggested soothingly, hoping to calm Joohyun down before the wild gesturing that she’d started up caused her to lose balance or come even closer to Seungwan’s face.

“No, she’s making good points,” Yerim replied simply, eyes flicking between her cards and the table. The face she was making led Seungwan to believe that she probably wasn’t winning. “Joohyun, what do you think of Mr. Ramsay’s presentation as a tyrant? His conversation with Lily on the lawn,” she added suggestively, even deigning to look up to study Joohyun’s reaction.

“Yes, his expectation of emotional labour from women and children!” she exclaimed with agitation, her eyes widening as they fixed themselves on Seungwan, clearly intent on passing the message. Yerim snorted, although she actually looked interested. “Instead of explicit physical violence, he’s presented as demanding through his self-entitlement and obliviousness to subtle social cues, traits of male socialization that are still –“

Seungwan reached out pleadingly to Sooyoung, who turned to her with a sigh. “Look, it’s either this or rants about her job and neural networks,” she explained tiredly. “And if you get her talking about it, you’ll regret it,” she added with a neutral expression. It sounded a little like a threat.

She shifted back to her original position, trying to keep Joohyun in place, then tapped softly on her arm, which had gone back to wrapping around her neck. “Joohyun,” she said, softly at first, then with increasing volume until she had her attention. “That sounds really interesting, but I’ve never read that book so I’m a little lost,” she pointed out gently.

Joohyun immediately jumped off her lap, leaving Seungwan’s traitorous brain more disappointed than relieved. She realized with dismay that Joohyun was rifling through the bookcase, her fears confirmed when she pulled away triumphantly, holding a book in her hand.

“Joohyun, I’m… not going to read it now,” she said before her friend got too carried away. Thankfully, she seemed to realize that it was an unreasonable request and settled for leaving it on the side table.

“I’ll leave it here, you can read it later,” she mentioned as she patted its cover gently. Then she made her way back to the sofa, this time sitting next to Seungwan rather than on top of her. Her disappointment was quickly washed away as her mind focused on the heat of Joohyun’s side pressed against hers. Joohyun’s head drooped until it was settled on Seungwan’s shoulder, her glasses slightly crooked from the position, and she felt the rush of air as Joohyun sighed softly. “What were we talking about?” she asked distractedly.

“Yes!” Yerim suddenly shouted, drowning out whatever response Seungwan had been preparing. She was lucky she hadn’t jumped at the noise and probably caused Joohyun to bite her tongue in the process.

“You couldn’t possibly have that card, you cheat,” Sooyoung riposted in an offended tone. She was probably right, to be honest.

“Prove it then,” Yerim replied simply, sticking out her tongue with childish satisfaction. Yeah, she’d definitely cheated.

“You were both cheating,” Joohyun pointed out in a conciliatory tone. Seungwan must have been the only one who was surprised that Joohyun had noticed, because the two women simply turned to her expectantly, not even having the decency to look embarrassed. “You went through the deck when Sooyoung went to the bathroom and I saw you shove a handful of cards in your pocket before the game started,” she elaborated, pointing first to Yerim, then to Sooyoung as she spoke.

They considered her words, then Sooyoung shrugged in acceptance and started gathering up the cards which they’d spread all across the table. “Good game,” she said once everything was put away, reaching out a hand which Yerim happily shook.

“You guys are weird,” Seungwan commented. The sound of her voice seemed to remind Joohyun of her presence, as she took the opportunity to lie back until her head was on Seungwan’s lap.

“We’re all mad here.” She giggled, raising a hand unsteadily until she succeeded in booping the tip of Seungwan’s nose with her finger. She couldn’t help but smile softly at the childish action, her hand moving of its own accord to fix Joohyun’s glasses, which had slid out of place.

Yerim cleared , probably a little louder than necessary, and Seungwan whipped her head up guiltily at the sound. “Now that that’s done, I should probably get going. It’s getting a little late,” she pointed out. Seungwan really wouldn’t know, she’d lost track of time a while ago.

Joohyun turned her head around in Seungwan’s lap so she could see her other friends. “Will you be alright going home? Do you want money for a taxi?” she asked with the slight worry she always had for the younger women.

“Yeah, it’s fine, I have a ride.”

Sooyoung seemed surprised at Yerim’s words and the two were quickly immersed in a whispered conversation that Seungwan couldn’t focus on for too long as Joohyun demanded her attention once more.

“Seungwan,” she drawled in a childish voice, dragging out the last syllable. “You should sleep over,” she said sweetly, her big eyes focused on her. It was hard to look away from the person lying on your lap, so Seungwan was unable to escape the eye contact that she knew always led to bad decisions.

“I… I live right next door, I don’t think…” she started nervously, really not very confident in her ability to argue. Joohyun’s eyes narrowed as she smiled up at her, stopping the words halfway out of .

“So you can go get your pyjamas and a toothbrush and come right back,” she pointed out with a wide grin, reaching out to boop her nose again. Seungwan looked away briefly to beg the others for help, but they weren’t even looking at her, still deep in their conversation. She sighed. She knew how this would end.

“I’ll make you breakfast,” Joohyun said in a sing-song voice, then abruptly sat up and turned around, leaning in so that her face was much closer to Seungwan’s than she would have liked. She her lips, probably preparing to entice Seungwan further with breakfast options, but the latter was having too much trouble tearing her eyes away from her lips to even consider paying attention to her words. Her heart beat rapidly, in a stuttering pattern, and she felt her head moving in, closing the already too small gap between them. Joohyun blinked.

“Okay,” she let out with a sharp exhale. She pulled away abruptly and was already halfway out of the sofa by the time Joohyun registered her answer. She leaned back against the sofa with a bright smile, watching silently as Seungwan stepped straight towards the door, only stopping to put on her shoes. “I’ll be right back,” she said redundantly before walking out.

In the safety of her own apartment, she leaned against the door and took a few calming breaths. Mr. Fluffers rubbed against her legs for a few moments, partly in greeting, partly as a request for dinner.

“This is a terrible idea,” she muttered to nobody in particular, her steps taking her automatically to the kitchen. She poured the cat’s food out for him and watched him silently as he ate with fervour.

She absolutely could not sleep with Joohyun. She’d almost kissed her right in front of Yerim and Sooyoung. As much as she wanted to blame the alcohol, she knew she couldn’t be more than buzzed. No, this was all on her. This was just all around a terrible idea.

Maybe she could just not go back, she considered as she made her way to the bedroom. No, that didn’t make any sense. She lived right next door, all Joohyun had to do was come knock on her door.

She rifled through her pyjamas, trying to find any that were neither too revealing nor too cute and embarrassing. She eventually settled for a dark blue set without any cute patterns and tucked it under her arm. Mr. Fluffers didn’t follow her out of the bedroom, as he was now happily fed and content to sit drowsily on the empty bed until he fell asleep.

Maybe she could take the sofa. They were both adults, it really wouldn’t be that strange to want to avoid that kind of proximity. She could claim that she couldn’t sleep around other people. It wouldn’t be a complete lie, because right now she couldn’t imagine falling asleep while Joohyun was lying down right next to her.

She plucked the toothbrush from its stand, sighing deeply. She sat on the toilet cover, feeling too nervous to make her way back just yet, but also too exhausted to go sit somewhere more comfortable.

This was a terrible idea and there was no way out of it. She cursed her weakness against Joohyun’s big beautiful eyes and kicked defeatedly at the edge of the bathtub. The image of Joohyun’s tongue slipping out to wet her lips was still far too vivid in her mind, the mere thought of it enough to jump-start her heart. She was a mess.

In the end, she stayed behind to slowly go through her usual nightly routine. She washed her face, applied lotion, brushed her hair and her teeth, all as thoroughly as she could possibly do it. When there was absolutely no way to delay it further, she retraced her steps back out of the apartment with one last goodbye at her unresponsive cat.

The first thing she noticed when she walked in was that Joohyun seemed to be sobering up already, although her face still lit up in a bright smile at Seungwan’s return. The second thing she noticed was that one person was missing. Only one.

Yerim was long gone, apparently, as she hadn’t wanted to keep her ride waiting. Sooyoung, however, was still hanging around. Seungwan’s heart sank as she saw the two women spread blankets on the sofa, clearly intended for the youngest of the three.

Dropping her pyjamas on a kitchen stool to pick up later, she quickly walked over to the duo. “Is Sooyoung sleeping over too?” she asked, trying to keep the worry out of her voice.

The two nodded in confirmation. “Well, if she’s staying, maybe I can…” she suggested desperately, clinging to this chance of escape.

“No, you have to stay,” Joohyun whined in response, grasping her arm with both her hands as if prepared to keep her there by force. It really wouldn’t be necessary, because it wasn’t like Seungwan could resist her earnest request for her company.

“Okay, well,” she tried again, still held tightly in Joohyun’s grasp. It was hard to think when she was so close, but she valiantly soldiered on. “Maybe I could take the sofa? I don’t want to –“

“I kick,” Sooyoung quickly said, interrupting.

“She does,” Joohyun added with a knowing nod.

“You slept with Yerim,” Seungwan pointed out, not beat quite yet.

“She could sleep through anything.”

Sooyoung seemed to agree with Joohyun, as she nodded with a vaguely impressed look on her face. “One time she rolled over and fell off the bed. When her alarm rang, she was still asleep on the floor,” she recalled in awe.

“Unless you’re a very heavy sleeper, I really wouldn’t recommend sharing a bed with Sooyoung,” Joohyun said helpfully, bringing their attention back to the topic at hand. Seungwan sighed in frustration, out of excuses.

She grudgingly accepted the situation and soon Joohyun was bouncing off to the bedroom to get ready for bed. As soon as she was out of earshot, Seungwan leaned towards Sooyoung.

“Why are you doing this to me?” she asked in a low whisper that she hoped conveyed her annoyance more than her desperation.

“Actually, not everything’s about you,” Sooyoung replied without turning away from her pillow, which she was carefully fluffing up. She seemed to sense Seungwan’s confusion, because she deigned to elaborate. “Yerim’s going home with a girl and I will third-wheel over your dead body.”

“I’m pretty sure that’s not the expression.”

“I said what I said,” Sooyoung deadpanned. She flopped down on the sofa, lying down with one leg crossed over the other. “Look at the bright side. When you wake up and her hair is sticking in five different directions and she’s got morning breath, you’ll probably forget all about your crush,” she said happily. Then her eyes widened with sudden realization. “Oh, even better, she’ll have hangover morning breath. That one’s worse.”

Their conversation was interrupted by Joohyun’s return and all too soon Seungwan was slipping into a large comfortable bed that suddenly looked far too small. Contrary to what she’d expected, and definitely not hoped for, Joohyun made no effort to move closer to her or even make any sort of contact. Instead, she seemed intent on respecting her personal space, probably because she’d picked up on Seungwan’s very clear discomfort.

They turned off the lights and lay side by side on the bed. Even though she felt restless and as far from sleep as possible, Seungwan refrained from shifting positions in case it disturbed Joohyun. Instead, she stared up into the darkness, clenching and unclenching her hands as silently as she could.

After so much time had passed that she was convinced Joohyun must have fallen asleep, she felt the bed dip as her friend rolled over on her side, facing Seungwan. She sat still a while longer, unsure of whether or not Joohyun knew she was awake. In the darkness of the room, which her eyes had grown able to penetrate to a degree, she saw Joohyun’s hand reach out and land over hers.

“You don’t have to stay if you’re uncomfortable,” she whispered, her voice almost loud as it broke the long silence. Seungwan remained still for a moment. It really wasn’t fair how one person could make her feel so many things at once. How was she supposed to function like this? When Joohyun lay awake beside her, so gentle and caring and worried about her? And it really wasn’t her fault that Seungwan was like this.

Finally, she turned her hand around under Joohyun’s grip, grasping it before she could pull away. Then she moved both their hands to the empty space between them on the bed and turned around to face Joohyun. Thankfully the darkness was too deep for her to see Joohyun’s eyes clearly. She didn’t think she could have handled that.

“I’m not really used to sleepovers,” she admitted in a whisper. She squeezed Joohyun’s hand reassuringly, trying to communicate all the affection that she felt bubbling up inside. All the affection that Joohyun deserved. “I won’t deny that I’m a little uncomfortable,” she added with a small chuckle. “But… A lot of things I like make me uncomfortable.”

She shrugged with her free shoulder, unsure how to finish her thought, so she didn’t add anything else. Joohyun lay silently, apparently studying her, which Seungwan found strange when it was so dark that she couldn’t discern much more than the outline of Joohyun’s features. Finally, she gave Seungwan’s hand one last squeeze before pulling away and rolling over to face the ceiling again.

“I’m going to sleep now,” she announced in a cheery whisper. “But let me know if you need anything, okay? You’re still my guest,” she added, and Seungwan could almost see the smile dancing on her lips.

“Yeah, okay,” she whispered back, then rolled over as well. She heard Joohyun’s breaths grow deeper and more even and slowly closed her eyes, focusing on the regular sound of her inhale and exhale, trying to match her own quickened breaths to that slower cadence. Her thoughts grew lazier and less coherent as her mind slipped away into sleep. Her hands were clenched together, the ghost of Joohyun’s touch enveloping them in a pleasant warmth.