WHAT AM I DOING HERE?

I'm not sure whether I'm waiting for something or someone, or not at all. All I know is that I have no choice—that I can think of right now.

---

Suddenly, something inside my purse buzzes. Genius. That reminds me that I actually brought a phone today.

I’m sorry dear caller, thanks for the call, but this of a hand still doesn’t want to stop pressing itself. I can’t even move an inch.

Everything on me feels like they’re trying to hurt each other.

I’m not in the best condition to—

“BUUMMP!”

Someone breaks my door.

It would be just like those non-sense fairytales if that someone was Wang Ziyi. I wonder.

How did I experience such non-sensical hallucination? I mean, why now? I was specifically hoping for that many months ago, so badly, when I was struggling on bed and unable to move a finger.

Life seems to be hating me that much.

My heart aches even more because the person in front of me isn't buffy at all. Definitely not him. But it's indeed a guy. I can see the tuxedo.

I’m starting to have a hard time breathing. I press my eyes together, hoping to keep the pain to myself.

Did this person break the wrong door? He’s taking too long. Or is it just me, talking to myself too fast? I should stop. Although that's what's been keeping me sane these past few minutes.

Sane? But I just saw Wang Ziyi. He talked and even helped me to stand up today. My brains are so creative. I'm in tears.

“Y-you’re bleeding!” That’s the sound of Xiao Gui.

I slowly open my eyes.

Things are blurry, but I can still tell that his tuxedo is grey. I don't know if I'm thankful, angry, embarrassed or sad right now. I feel funny.

He starts rubbing my nose with a handkerchief, then he lingers his arms around my back and feet. I can feel his skin on mine. I feel funni-er.

Sorry for this much of a skin contact. I didn’t choose this dress.

——

I’ve been fully awake the whole time, with my eyes sometimes fully closed and half closed, in the car, ICU, some weird room with lasers, and now, on a hospital bed.

For my hurting hand, they injected something to me, and after that, it's thankfully stopped acting up.

I’ve been waiting for a chance to leave ever since.

My unconscious seems to be not ready to talk or even see Xiao Gui.

“Mr. Xiao Gui, the doctor called you to his room.”

“Alright.”

I open my eyes once I can no longer hear his footsteps. I slowly try to support my body to sit on the bed. I look around and notice that he's left his coat on the couch. That's the cue for me to quickly leave, because he's likely going to come back here.

But when I try to get off of the bed, something holds me from going. Geez, they tugged an IV thing into my left hand. I intend to pull it away, with my other hand.

And as I do that, I realize that my right hand is still trembling a bit.

But I’m glad that it doesn’t hurt at all.

I quickly pull it off of my skin, then start walking out of the room.

——

I have to keep it lowkey because I’m currently in hospital pajamas.

“What do you mean, doc?” That’s Xiao Gui’s voice. I can hear that they're nearby, and that makes me curious. So I walk there and place an ear on the door.

“The last time she’s rushed here, I told her that I see improvements regarding her hand injury. Although I also told her not to use it too much for a few days, as adviced by the other doctors, due to her recent accidents."

“I assume, the improvement occurs because of the intense exercises she’s been performing, namely dancing and working part-time, therefore the hand's trained to function normally."

“But now that she's just experienced the pain again, I doubt that it’s related to her past injury. It’s possible that the reaction was induced by something else. I told you before that the injury might've been fully recovered."

“To put it simple, her body still remembers the pain, which shows up when it's triggered by certain things.”

“My current diagnosis is, that the problem is not in here—“ I take a look at the window, and he’s pointing at his hand. “But in here.” He points at his head.

“I’m afraid that she’s still living in the past, exactly the moment when she’s experiencing the—“ He stops.

.

The doctor saw me.

——

I run away as far as I can from there. I walk into an elevator nearby, then press the 1st floor.

But when the door opens, I see Xiao Gui, standing just a few steps in front of me.

I immediately press the close button many times, so he doesn't have the chance to force it open.

Where should I go?

Since I can't go to the lowest floor, I'll just go to the highest one.

I press the 7th floor.

---

When the door opens, I see another receptionist table in front of me. I need a place for me to go on my angsty mode and it's definitely not this place.

I turn around, trying to find any spot--really, anything will do--then I see stairs. I don't care where they lead to.

After many annoying tiring steps, I'm pretty much on the rooftop of the hospital. It doesn't really have a roof. The night sky is its only roof. But it has a wall covering the whole place. It's perfect for me to rest my arms while looking at the city and... break down.

---

I fold my arms on the upper part of the wall while standing. I bury my eyes on my arms. This is what I called perfect.

Perhaps I should just live up here because that way, I will not disturb others with my problems anymore.

Something is wrong with my head.

And it's legit.

Why did I do wrong that I have to experience all these s in life?

Ok, I did a lot, but so did other humans on earth. Maybe I'm just one of those destined to fail in life.

So, if some are destined to fail in life, no matter what they do, say and dream of, they're still going to fail anyway?

Then what's the point of living? I guess now I know why a lot of people had suicidal thoughts. But that's too selfish. I shouldn't have that.

I still have Lin jie, Yuxi, and maybe Lin Yanjun. Although they're going to be just fine without me. Since I've always been the one who needs their help, not the opposite.

I initially didn't believe that not everyone's destined to be happy in their lives. But now that I think about it, I do believe that.

Life is always unfair and nobody can do anything about it.

I feel hotter and hotter in the eyes.

I raise my head a little bit, open my eyes, and a rainfall is happening on my arms.

So I rest my forehead on them instead, letting the tears to fall on the ground.

---

"UGLY!!!" The sound of Xiao Gui.

God, do you really have to yell that out loud?

I sigh.

I pat my eyes with my sleeves then run to the stairs. I need more time for myself. I don't want to have any moment that requires me to talk or even see him.

I run past him without taking any glance at him, as if I didn't see him in the first place.

“Hey, wait up!” He holds my left wrist then rush to block my way. He's still panting with sweats all over his face and his shirt.

He's not wearing his coat anymore.

Ah yes, he left that in my room.

I tilt my head to the ground.

While still holding my left wrist, he uses his other hand to hold my right arm. "You're not leaving, are you?" He's trying to control his breath. "You have to stay for the IV--”

I look up to him, and my eyes land right on his eyes. There's something about them that screams pity to me. Stop.

Tears start flooding my eyes.

"I'm.... sorry, am I hurting you?" He releases his grab on my wrist and moves it to my other arm, instead.

I want to say something to him, but end up doing that while sniffling. "Leave.... me... alone." They start falling on my cheeks. I tilt my head back to the ground and pat my eyes with my sleeves again.

I can’t continue this talk.

I’ve started pitying myself. I really have to go. I don't want anyone to see the annoying angsty me.

He tilts his head to reach my level of sight, while still holding my arms.

"What's happening? Are you ok?" He says that in a lower volume. He sighs. "I... I know I was a jerk. A ing idiot jerk. But please, let me take you back to your room. I promise I'll leave, right away."

I raise my shoulders, lightly, so he releases his grab.

“You're still upset?” He asks.

You're not?

"Sorry.... that I didn't know you had those accidents." He bites his bottom lip.

My life is always all about accidents. Can't life let me worth more than that? Can't life stop making me feel like I'm useless and a nuisance for everyone around me?

"I'm really sorry. I should've said those earlier to you." He continues.

I should be the one saying sorry, because I've been a ing nuisance to you. I press my eyes and let out a heavy sigh.

"Yuxi and the doctor told me everything that day. Right after I acted like a jerk. But I chose to stay being a coward. I should've--"

"You're mad at me, you're not talking to me, and you don't want to help me. Let's keep it that way." I walk away from him.

"Wait, what?" He grabs my wrist again from the back. But this time, it's tighter.

I sniffle.

He loosens his grab and asks, "S-sorry, did I hurt you?" I use my other hand to brush it off.

People always have to feel guilty every time they interact with me.

Because, I only worth that much.

I let out a heavy sigh.

"I'm fine. Let me go now. By myself." I tell him.

"Please, ugly. At least leave when the doctor tells you to leave."

"Listen, I feel very uncomfortable right now--"

"They'll make you feel comfortable. So stay a little while. Trust me."

I look up to him, straight on his eyes again. I'm regretting this already. "Can't you stop making me pity myself?" My tone raises. As I realize that I sound angry, I press my eyes shut for a brief second, then says, "Sorry. Something is wrong with my head." I look away, while trying to brush his hands away.

But he tightens them like he squeezes my arms, and says, "I deserve that."

I turn back to him, startled, so I crinkle my forehead.

"Just let out all your anger to me. I'm the jerk." He pauses.

"I wish you know that I never want you to pity yourself. I'm sorry if I make you feel that way."

Oh no, I'm actually touched by that.....

"Please forgive me, ok?" He's putting his puppy eyes—that I hate.

My blood is rushing to my head. It's now dizzy and hot, but I'm not sweating. Am I extremely angry or just way too touched?

I press my eyes together.

"My life is all about accidents." I blurt, then I look up to him. "I'm a nuisance, and I'm pitiful. See? I sound very morbid, because I-am. You have to leave me alone."

"What's up with you? Are you sleep-walking?"

"You heard it yourself, that something is wrong with my head. Let me go now."

He bites his tongue with his mouth opens, so I can see that. He says, in annoyance, "Even if the doctor suggested that something might be wrong with you, didn't mean that you have to really act like that!"

"So you think I was joking around?" I sigh while rolling my eyes, then I look back at his eyes with a flat face. He finally takes his hands away from me.

"What he said was true. It's been more than a year already, but I can feel that it's still growing on me."

“You’ll surely recover, come on.”

"I saw him today, Xiao Gui, in the party. Now how do you call that other than I'm crazy?"

He furrows his eyebrows.

“It's getting mental, for real. I nearly ruined someone else's birthday party, and you knew that."

“Listen,” He grabs my shoulders and leans closer to my face. “I’ll help you to figure this out, ok?"

I move my face away, then raise my shoulders to brush his hands off. “I can’t do this anymore.” I walk away from him.

The salty water called tears start flooding my eyes again as I've stopped looking at him. But just after a few steps, he grabs my wrist and pulls me back to him.

“I told you I’ll help—” He pauses, because he sees me sniffling. "I... I didn't mean to make you pity yourself. I'm sorry." He mutters.

"My life is all about making people feel sorry." I start talking non-sense.... "This is why you have to let me leave this place!"

He sighs loudly, like he's groaning, then says, "Why is it so hard for you to accept someone else's help? I mean my help, because you seem to be ok with Yanjun and Yuxi--"

"Why do you always say that?" I cut him with a higher tone, because my heart rate's increased by a lot, and it's hurting me. I feel suffocated.

I scoff, "I don't know what you mean with that, but I want you to stop! You're making me hate myself!!"

"Stop what? Helping you? But why?"

"Why do you always want to help? I don't need that. I only need to leave now because I hate it that you look like you're pitying me. You're making me hate myself!"

"I'm not pitying you! Why is it so hard for you to understand?"

I twitch my whole face, I feel like exploding in front of him. Get the off, can you?

But instead, he leans closer to my face, and he kisses my lips. I widen my eyes in shock. He starts closing his eyes and I see that.

For a brief second, he makes me feel calm. I feel like my suffocating heart's stopped annoying the chest.

This is.... supposed to be annoying.

He doesn't do anything weird or extra with my lips and he pulls away by himself. It makes me feel thankful and not hateful of anything, or anyone, anymore.

Is it possible?

He slowly opens his eyes, muttering, "I should've said this earlier to you that... I like you." He looks at my eyes with another puppy eyes but I don't hate that, somehow.

"I like you so much that I don't know what to do about it."

"I'm sorry, that maybe it always makes you feel uncomfortable. I wish you know that I never pity you."

This is what I used to call cheesy.

When someone keeps on repeating the same point, just to make the other person wakes up and sees the world with the correct view; although that other person is actually normal and healthy.

But I'm not that normal and healthy. Therefore, this isn't cheesy at all.

Alright, it's already beyond cheesy that you're trying so hard to rationalize your immaturity.

 

"I want to help you because I like you. I care about you. I want to show you that--"

Thank you, for accepting the immature me.

I place my hands on his cheeks and leans in to kiss his lips. He's startled at first, but then he just goes with it.

He starts messing around with my lips, and I can't help but do the same thing. He's basically planting kisses on my lips. I take the initiative to move on his bottom lip and kiss it.

But what am I doing?

With my hands still holding his neck, I break the kiss. I pant a little bit, mumbling, "Sorry... I--"

He leans in and kisses me on the lips again, passionately. I feel like I want to continue this as much as he does, but I realize that I shouldn't.

I push him away, lightly. I mutter, "This won't work, Xiao Gui."

"What are you talking about?"

"Us, let's end this here."

"What? You like me too, don't you?

"You know something is seriously wrong with me. With my head. You shouldn't be with someone like me."

"Well screw that, because I still want to be with you."

"No, listen to me. I saw him today, for real.... then my hand, my head, my everything started acting up. You don't deserve to deal with all of these-"

He leans in and kisses my lips again. He puts more force in it. I can feel his apologetic heart and a little bit of disappointment. I start feeling heavy on my chest. He's probably hurt that I said those things to him.

Deep inside I want to explore more with him but... something is holding me from that. My cheek is suddenly getting wet. Not super wet but I can feel some water.

I pull away. I need to pull away.

The water didn't come from me.

I look at his eyes and wipe the tears with my thumb. He smiles as he pulls me into a hug. "We'll figure everything out together, ok? Everything's going to be ok.” He’s caressing my head then kisses it. “I promise you that.”

With his soft words and loving hands, I feel like I worth more than my problems. This is the first time I ever feel collected in this... second life.

I find my hands slowly reaching to hug him back.

---

But... after a brief while, as if life once again doesn't want me to feel happy any longer, the image of Wang Ziyi look-alike pops into my mind. I feel hot in my eyes.

Tears start falling on his shoulders and I sniffle.

stop ruining his expensive shirt.​

"Wait, what's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"No, just tell me."

“It's just... he looked.... so real." I mutter.

"I don't know what's wrong with me but... he talked to me, and even helped me to stand up... that's why I-"

I suddenly start feeling dizzy. Both of my hands feel weird; they start trembling and loosening up.

He tightens his hug while rubbing my shoulder with his hand. I can feel his head is resting on my head while he's flooding it with... kisses... again.

I feel.... loved.

This is a bad thing because... I'm crazy. I'm not even kidding. I'm quoting the doctor. I'm scared that this will continue if you keep doing this, Xiao Gui. Please.

“I can't believe that I screwed up. I ruined the party." ​​​​​​

Can I please shut up?

“No, you didn’t, trust me."

 

I sound like a needy . I hate myself.