IT’S TRUE, that the kiss we had was something I never expected from him. But since I’m an accepting person, I’ll still try to rationalize that, and hopefully, I'll be just fine.

That somehow doesn’t sound right.

I believe overthinking can be stopped, once one’s figured out the background of the problem. Like, in this odd kiss scenario, I only have to try placing myself on his shoes, find out what his motive was, then it’s done.

Let’s say he was blinded by anger or lust—which was super ew then, so he couldn’t think straight and just did that out of nowhere.

If I was him, maybe I’d also do the same thing? I don't think so.

But, by the way, what kind of lame kiss was that? He’s nothing compared to a great friend of mine.

Wanna hear how he used to do that exactly?

---

“Guess.” A pair of huge soft hands were covering my eyes.

“Must be a dog, then.”

“Wrong.”

He never failed to make me smile.

I grabbed the hands and put them on my lap. He tilted to me, and as stupid as it sounded, I cried when I saw his face.

It started with only some trembling lips, but then the tears didn’t want to lose to that; it filled both of my eyes until they couldn’t hold it in anymore.

“Sorry.” I murmured.

He sat beside me and covered my body with his arms. We’re leaning on a tree in front of my house and the sky’s already dark. He just got off from the plane but went straight to my place. Just to fulfill a promise which I didn’t consider to be one, since he only said I’ll visit you, not I promise I’ll visit you.

Dude.

He’s always like that. I didn’t take things seriously but he’s the opposite. Even this relationship of ours was already one of the proofs. There’s never a talk about would you be my girlfriend/boyfriend, but we just likely were.

He knew that I cared about him, and I did too. He also knew that I wasn’t the type who could say such things to anyone. I’d been shutting my emotion down for a long time. Since I’d been living by myself, it’s a nuisance to take emotion too seriously.

I tried, though. By being all emotional and stuff externally, to look a bit “alive” and girly, but I got disgusted with myself. It’s like a guy when he's forced to wear girl’s clothes, and vise versa.

What I am, is what fits my heart the most.

I liked crying by myself at the very corner of the room, then looked totally fine in front of others. Guess this guy is already one of my comfortable room to cry now.

He looked up to me and wiped the tears with his hands. “So, can I ask you what happened?” He said softly.

How I wasn’t concerned with the school’s official gossip website—even I browsed it few times before; but it’s for my life—he’s more than that. He’s more off than me about the school’s issues, like, it’s likely that he didn’t know about the war that the passionate girl just started.

But that’s why I adored him.

“Will you be mad if I tell you that I know?” He added.

“Like, know what?”

“Someone named Yuxi sent me many things, and she kind of implied that something’s just happened to you.”

“Whaaat?”

“I really owe her one because you’d never tell me that, I bet.”

“One’s obliged to handle one’s own problem.” I continued, “Act like you don’t know, then.”

“Why did you forbid her to post the audio?”

“I....I don’t know. I feel like I was the guilty one, for a moment.” I gulped. “Can I ask you something?”

“What is it?”

“Do you think I was the one bullying her or it’s the opposite?”

“Why?”

I furrowed my eyebrows. “I’m the one asking here?”

“Why aren’t you sure about it?”

“I feel like... she didn’t really want to hurt me. That’s probably why she’s been shaming me not straight in my face but through some lousy site instead.”

“Then how about your fund?”

“Okay, you’re making me feel half guilty and half resenting her now.”

“What’ve you done to her anyway?”

“I only asked a few questions, like: why has she been doing that to me, does she like you, and stuff like that.“

“And you’re thinking you’re guilty.”

“Her eyes looked like she’s mad at me. I couldn’t help but feel guilty to that.”

“Okay...” He paused. “You should know that everything in life is like a double-ended sword.”

He put his head on my shoulder covered by my hair, so he’s like sniffing it. He liked ruffling my hair with his long nose, time to time.

“It’s natural that some people like and some people hate what we do, or even what we are.” He sighed. “It's possible that you’re going to make yourself guilty for real, in the near future, if you can’t stop mentally blaming yourself like this.” He twitched his forehead.

“I’m not going to the State.” He muttered.

“What? You have to!” I grabbed one of his hand and faced him.

“Since Xiao Xin isn't going, I’m not, too.”

He had this dance competition in the US, and it was a big deal. If my Seoul one was a dance cover competition for the whole Asia, then guess what his was.

“Don’t try to pull off a prince-charming game on me. You know I’ll go crazy if you do that.” I scoffed.

 

“Like, crazily fond of me?”

“Duh. I’m going in.” I rolled my eyes and stood up.

But he held my hand, bringing me back to sit beside him. He just grabbed the back of my head with his other hand, pulling me closer to him. He’s not a slow type in this. It didn’t require a long time for him to lean in and just press his lips against mine.

He did it real quickly like he suddenly slammed his lips on my lips but it's gentle. I don’t know how I should put it. The moment he closed his eyes I felt soft. I couldn’t help but close my eyes too.

All the worries that'd been containing my heart felt like they disappeared... if that's possible, because I doubted it could happen, at least with me. But I did feel at ease in that moment.

Sadly, it didn't last long.

His nose was brushing against my cheeks while his lips moved onto my bottom lip and messed with it. I felt uneasy. I gulped. My mind suddenly held me from feeling it.

Why do I need someone else just to move on from my problems? Why do I bother him for my own insecurities?

I put my hand on his chest, gently pushed him away. I let myself gasp for the air for a little while. My mind was heavy. I was wondering that I wanted to say sorry and just leave him... or not.

​​​​​My eyes were still half opened as they noticed that he's already looking at me. I always knew that he's very attractive in many ways. He's an amazing guy. But for some reason, he looked even more attractive in that second.

His eyes were darting around my face before looking straight into my eyes.

His look was filled with sadness but it didn't look like he pitied me but he cared.

I felt like a whole again.

But at the same time, part of me was telling me that I... didn't deserve him. I felt numb in anywhere of my body. You know when people said that humans get numb as they feel that they're in danger? That's it.

Everything in me was conflicting each other.

My heart knew that I needed him, but my mind screamed, the total opposite.

 

His eyes flickered back on my lips. That's the exact moment when my desire became stronger. My hand on his chest weakened. It slowly fell on my lap.

​​​​​​He cupped my cheeks then did a little rub with his thumb. He started kissing the cupid's bow above my lips then... the lips.

He's doing it softly as he guided my head to the side to get better access to my lips. I didn't know if it's only my imagination but he's like trying to make me feel comfortable to share my burdens.

I felt touched that he sympathized with me... the stupid unworthy me. I could feel that he genuinely wanted to feel what I felt.

As he grazed my lips with his I completely lost it.

I'm thankful. I'm really thankful that for once I feel safe of beeing greedy about something and I want to let him know that.

 

After feeling some butterflies stirred in my stomach, I pulled away. I was gasping for the air while murmurring, "Go.. to the State.” But with both eyes closed he whispered, “No.”

He pulled me back and started nibbling on my upper lip. I felt... loved. My eyes couldn't help but press themselves again, letting myself feel his touch. I found my hands moving itself to hold the hem of his shirt and they pinched it.

 

Realizing that it’s getting late, I brought my hands onto his shoulder and pushed it lightly to break the touch.

I was still catching for my breath, but since he’s trying to lean in again I said, “I’ll tell you what going crazy means” I pushed his forehead with my finger, then stuck my tongue out.

“Go to the State, or I’ll just go amnesia about you.” I gave him a quick peck on the lips, then went back to my house.

---

He really did it. He told the principal that he’s not going to the State if they still canceled the fund for my competition.

“Hey, what are you doing?” He poked me.

“Sorry, do I know you?” I grumbled.

We’re sitting at one of my favorite solitude places when it’s already time to go home; the bleachers.

He flung his arm on my shoulders. “Come on, you’re scaring me.”

“You think I wasn't scared when everybody said you put up some drama in the principal’s office?” I sighed.

“This is why I never told you stuff.” I scoffed. “I always knew you’d make new stuff from that!”

“What if, I really want to know all of your stuff?”

I rolled my eyes.

“Is it wrong to show your care to your special someone?“

I twitched my face. “This is also how I show my care: by not letting that someone drop his chance of pursuing his dream.”

“If you’re not going, then I can’t show my care to my special someone.” I added.

He smiled, and started my hair with his other hand. He loves playing with the hair.

“Even if he goes, he’ll not feel good inside.” He said.

“Then I’ll just go amnesia from now on.”

“I can just stick to you to make you always remember.”

“Seriously.” I squinted.

“I promise I’ll do that.” He pulled me into a hug and held my body very tightly. It's a little too tight.

“I can do this forever.” He muttered.

“You’re stronger than me, this isn’t fair!” I hit his arm few times, gently, so he loosened the hug a bit.

Haha. Stick to me forever.

How I wish you never made that promise.