"WAIT, YOU'RE MAD?" Yanjun asks me on the phone.

"I don't know.... I just don't think I have the gut to see him."

He sighs.

"Wait, you actually heard everything me and Xiao Gui said at the corridor?"

"No. But I think I can picture what happened. I know him, and I know you."

"Xiao Xin, guys can be fragile in some areas, especially when it's about the person they care about." He pauses.

"It's only because he cares too much about you. Come on, deep inside, you know that too."

"I hope these can help you collect the pieces together."

Those were a glimpse of my conversation with him on the phone. I'm tearing up literally, at this moment. Because I've finally realized that what I've been doing in front of Xiao Gui after I got kicked totally support everyone's assumptions.

Can't believe that I'm still this slow.

I didn't tell him clearly why I acted so weird with my stomach during our trip; in his car, in our room, in basically everything.

Not to mention that I cancelled our initial appointment for an absolute absurd reason.

I deleted my weibo app, I've been a ing anti social nerd.

I was slow when Yanjun did his "caring act" in front of everyone.

Still, in summary, everything happened because I was slow.

It's kind of uncomfortable shedding tears while facing the ceilings. So I turn to the right, backfacing the door. I don't want Yuxi to see me like this.

I'm pretty much wetting the pillow now.

And the door opens.

"Jie, sleeping already?"

She's coming over.

"Jiee??" She touches my left shoulder.

I'm trying so hard not to sob. I don't want my shoulders to look like they're trembling.

But she peeks at my face, anyway.

"W-what happened?" She starts blinking so much. "Are you hurting somewhere??" She's about to press the bell above my bed, so I grab her hand.

I turn to her. "No, I'm ok. Really."

"S-so why are you crying?" She sits on the chair beside me."

"I just... I think I know why he's upset with me." I press my eyes shut. "I feel bad that I've been feeling defensive about what he said. I've finally understood that I'm the bad guy. I made this happen!"

"What are you talking about, jie? You're right that he shouldn't call you names, you didn't--"

"It's normal that he'd think I was friends with him because I wanted to take advantage of him, by any means."

"I've seriously been that shameless ." I mutter.

"No!! Stop thinking that way! It's only because he doesn't--" She clears . "He didn't know the truth!"

"It's better for me to stay away from him. He doesn't deserve to be around someone like me."

"Jie, what do you mean with someone like you? You're a great person, you're more than what you think!"

"Yuxi, enough. Case's closed. Thank you, for always being on my side. But this time, I have to face it by myself and this is the only way. Please believe in me."

When something tends to fail because you [always] confront, perhaps you have to try to pivot.

---

Day by day have passed without any interaction with Xiao Gui. I've been limiting the possibilities of it; for instance, I keep sitting in the front row for all of our classes together.

I've removed him from my friend list on games. It's what he wants, right. But it's actually to save my own heart. I can't imagine how I'd feel if I saw him online but I couldn't--and shouldn't--do anything about it.

Man, remember how I was very annoyed seeing him suddenly appeared on my games that I was about to uninstall them too.

It hurts seeing him anywhere, because I always get this flashback of him saying,

"You're a shameless ."

---

"I can't believe you actually accepted his invitation!" Yuxi scoffs.

"Trust me, I'm regretting that already."

"Just what was on your mind?"

So Yanjun invited me to his sister's birthday party tonight. I know right, how last-minute. But it's because I spouted some unnecessary words, which were "I owe you a lot. Let me do something for you."

"I thought.... because I owe him, I have to do something for him. I literally said that, by the way."

"Then he came up with the invitation." She continues my sentence.

"Somehow."

"You're going to see Xiao Gui for sure. Are you ok with that?"

Clearly not ok, especially since you brought that to my attention.

"Told you I'm still regretting that, Yuxi."

"Are you sure about this? I mean, it will look like you basically confirm the rumors about you and Lin Yanjun in front of some people? Or perhaps many, because we don't know who Lin Yiyang invited there??!"

"I'm not going with him. I'll meet him there."

"That's impossible."

I bite my bottom lip, then blink few times. "He didn't say anything about picking me up..."

But, crap.

"He did tell me to text him when I'm done, and he already knows my address."

She starts twitching her whole face, while pressing her eyes for a brief second, then she looks at me.

"Ok, I'm going to ask you again, once for all. Are you sure about this?"

"Y-yeah, since I don't have a choice?"

"Then let's do it right. Come on." Her tone sounds flat.

I'm lowkey scared.

---

She drags me to her house; her cozy minimalist house. She did ask me on our way here about whether I had the clothes for tonight, which of course I replied with no.

Because the clothes definitely didn't refer to bomber jackets and tracksuits.

"So, how do you want to look tonight?” She blurts that in the middle of leading me to her room.

“Umm... normal aka not embarassing my friends?”

My friends—read: Yanjun and Xiao Gui.

Just how can I still include Xiao Gui when we're now strangers?

"I mean, what vibe do you want for your outfit?"

"You have any black plain dress? I think I want that. I'll also wear my sneakers or flats."

"I see that you want to look simple. But you can’t wear sneakers or flats. No way. Unless, you own them with shiny pearls or fancy embroidered stuff."

She actually made a point. Lin Yiyang's party must be that high-classed one, attended by some rich colleagues like Xiao Gui. So let's get real here, myself.

She goes to her wardrobe room for a while, then comes back to me.

Yes, she's got a room for all her collections. I can never stop being shook by that; because she doesn't live in a mansion or a big house, but she has that.

"This is going to look awesome on you."

She shows me a black tube dress, quite tight, no pattern and very long. It has a really high pleat on the side that you can see the ¾ thighs of the person.

"I don’t think I can handle such layer on my front and my back. What if they’re stuck on someone else’s purse, belt or... table?" And then I'm going to be , drop out of the college... but wait a sec, that's actually cool. I feel like leaving anyways.

"I knew you’d say that, so I also took this." She shows me another dress, also a black tube dress, tight, but very mini. It probably covers only 1/8 of my thighs—please don’t.

“I don’t think people want to see my skin as this much, Yuxi.”

“Come on, jie, who doesn’t love such y skin of yours, anyways?”

I do?

“This fits perfectly on you; your body and your personality.” She flips it and it’s actually a backless dress that ends at a palm above my .

I am once again, shook. Was this what she meant by doing it right?

This is clearly doing it wrong, Yuxi.

"It's ok, jie. Your body is more toned than everybody, trust me.”

You're referring to my bones that're showing up on my skin because I'm basically a twig?

Haha.

Everybody's been thinking of me as the shameless anyway. Therefore, wearing this kind of dress is really ok.

Haha.

No.

"Also, this doesn't require too much work when you wear it, and even when you take it off. Think about it."

“Ok... then.”

"And for the shoes, I couldn't decide, there were too many options for this dress. Come on, I'll just show you them." She drags me to her holy wardrobe room.

There are probably hundreds of various clothings and stuff here. It's like, she can hold fashion runaways for months with her clothes only, and they’ll still be different everyday.

"How did you have soo many clothes like this? Did you make them?"

“Wait, you like them? Take everything, jie! I can alter each if they don’t really fit you.” She smiles at me.

Wait, she’s serious about it?

“Some were bought, some were made by me and nainai. Even those I bought mostly have been altered by me and nainai too. I used to have photography and modelling part-time works, and they required these stuff.”

Wew, I used to think that she fits the modelling industry.

"Anywho, I'm thinking that you can either go with boots, those heels or platforms." She adds.

"You have platforms?”

“Of course! I need them if big events hire me as their photographer.” She hands me black shiny platforms with a pretty buckle on each top. “Can I brag that I customize these myself?”

"Wow, I lowkey thought that they're Gucci."

"Gucci or anything, they don't have the same pair like this, jie. You should seriously wear these!"

“Can you customize my shoes in The Sims? I would love to see my sims wear them.”

“Move on, jie. You should’ve left The Sims in senior year.”

“You know I didn’t complete mine, so let me just follow the trend ok—“

She sighs then pushes me back to her room. “Come on, we have a lot of work to do.”

——

Yuxi did my dress, shoes, makeup, hair and even accessories. She's become my personal stylist for real, and she doesn't need to be paid—just how lovely is that.

Yanjun called me in the middle, because it's almost due time but I still hadn't texted him and he wanted to pick me up. But I refused.

Regardless I've decided not to care about whatever people think about me tonight; deep inside, I still feel like I should try limiting every possibility about me and Yanjun looking like a thing. Although it's quite impossible, because he'll interact with me anyway. Who invited me in the first place?

So I ordered Uber straight from Yuxi’s place to the venue. Bless my wallet. It's quite far.

---

It's hard for me to stay calm, because I know I'm running late. My intention is not to attract too many attention aka become invisible. But with this dress and me coming late, thus it's nearly impossible.

If only Yuxi didn't suddenly want to change the hairdo in the very last minute.

My hair currently is just straight—it's always been straight since forever—tied up really high into a ponytail.

It took her so long just to decide that.