The next morning, I dragged myself out of bed before the alarm could ring. As my feet touched the wood floor I could feel every square inch of my body tingle with grief. Today was Day 1 and I was already hating it. I walked to the bathroom, pissed and grabbed my toothbrush scrubbing away the saltiness of the tears I had injested in my sleep. I glanced at myself in the mirror and shuddered. I looked like hell. My hair stuck up wildly and the eyebags were reaching down my cheeks. My eyes were swollen and crusted over. I tossed my toothbrush back into its resting cup and the cold water, full blast. I scooped some water into my hands and splashed my face, shivering at the cold droplets that cascaded down my neck. I wiped at my eyes and smiled, watching as the smile faded into nothing. 

Today was Day 1 and I hated it. 

I walked back into my bedroom, reaching for the quickest clothes I could find. Black jeans, a long-sleeve black button up and a pair of black boots. To top off the endless amounts of gloom, I added a knitted black beanie. I walked towards the kitchen, grabbing some wheat bread and popping it into the toaster as I grabbed my camera bag and laptop. As soon as the scent of toasted bread wafted pass me, my appetite vanished. I grabbed the bread and tossed it right into the garbage. 

I called for a cab, grabbed my jacket and rushed out the door with my keys in hand. Today was Day 1 and I loathed it. 

When I arrived at the office, I could hear Chaerin chewing out some workers and I knew that it was Monday. More than likely someone ed up and they were paying for their mistakes. Chaerin was laidback, but she never cut corners when it came to work. Today was no different, even after the press conference fiasco. 

"And what do we have here? The top 10 champagne article I asked for two weeks ago. It's due tomorrow and it hasn't gone through editing once! I swear to god, Yesung if this has more than two flaws, your is out!" She tossed the pages back at him and I sighed. At least one of us was fully back. 

"Donghae!"

I stopped dead in my tracks. I had hoped for a second she wouldn't see me, but alas the portfolio needed its second reviewing.

"Yes, Chae?"

"Where is that beautiful portfolio! Gimme, gimme, gimme!" She mimicked with her fingers, hoping I'd magically place it in her hands. 

"Almost 10 pages down. A little less than 10 to go."

She screeched, her cry echoing in the air and everyone froze. She ran towards me full speed and engulfed me in a bone-crushing hug. Her 4 inch stilettos easily made her height higher than mine. Her long blonde locks covering half of my face. 

"This is why I absolutely adore you Donghae! See this is what pleases me people, work that is actually being done!" 

I huffed and playfully pushed her off of me. "Okay Chae, let me settle in first."

"Of course. I've got a few more to speak with, starting with Dara."

This surprised me. Dara was the model employee. Always on time, obedient, never complained, never so much as took a day off. Dara was Chaerin's right hand. 

"I'll meet you in your office in 10." She chimed in and waltzed off. 

Once I entered the serenity of my office I tossed my hat onto the sofa, dropped my laptop and camera bag onto the desk and sprawled onto the couch. Fortunately the office bid me enough privacy to do so. I laid there contemplating a million things when Chaerin walked in huffing. I could see from her face that she was livid. The frown around her face tightening. 

"Make space." She said as she shoved me upright and sat down, legs crossed. 

"Dara called out today."

Again, any normal person would say she needed a day off, it happens and shrug it off. But this was Dara, her right hand. 

"What for?"

"No, that's not the only thing. She called out for the rest of the week."

"A vacation?"

"No. Permanently." 

At this point we both gasped. How many more shockers did we need?

"It's unfortunate, it blows but I guess I'll start interviews again for her position. I was hoping we'd have a peaceful Monday from all the craziness." 

I covered my eyes with my arm, the sun was just starting to peek through the window and I couldn't take it.

"What's going on Hae" Chaerin asked and my breath hitched. ! Of course she would notice. I continuously forgot how much of an open book I was and at this point I was sure the emotions were rolling off of me in waves.

"Nothing" I chimed, but she wasn't having it. 

"Lee Donghae, you better answer me." She turned towards me, but I kept my face covered. It was Day 1 and I wasn't ready to face reality. Honestly nothing had changed around me except myself. I could feel the depression nibbling on my happiness, tearing it apart to shreds. I just didn't want to accept it. I wanted to believe that I was going through some kind of process. The kind of process where you get sad for a day, dust it off and keep going. But I knew better. This was different. This was set in my bones. My flesh ached and my lungs burned from breathing. I cried myself to sleep. I feel worthless, I am worthless, I shouldnt-

"Donghae! Snap out of it!" I felt hands rip my arm off my face and I realized I was having a panic attack. My lungs burned because I was hyperventilating, tears and drool spilled from my eyes and mouth and I was pulled into a hug. I didn't know I was crying. When did it---?

"It's okay, Hae. I'm here. I'm here." Chaerin's fingers rubbed gently through my hair as I took haggered breaths. "I shouldn't have pressured you to come back so soon. I'm so sorry, Hae. It was selfish of me to think you'd be fine. You didn't look okay yesterday either. I'm so sorry."

I tried to talk, to tell her it wasn't her fault. But the tears and sobs wouldn't stop. I wrapped my arms around her and cried for dear life. My fingers clenched in her loose blouse. All those years of being strong, of knowing my uality and here I was face-to-face with it and I couldn't stomach saying it. I wasn't disgusted with myself, it was fear. I was fearful of the reprecussions. Fearful of how everyone around me would look at me now that I wasn't Donghae anymore. I was Gay. 

Hi Gay!

Bye Gay!

Where you off to, Gay?

"Shh. Shh." She continued rubbing my back in soothing circles for what felt like hours before the tears stopped. I had cried more in the past two days than I had in my entire life. 

"Maybe it's best if we postpone the portfolio. You need a week off."

"B-but it can't be, we've already announced the release date."

Chaerin smiled. "And I'm the editor-in-chief. Surely they can kiss my and off while my best writer takes a well-needed break. ing yourself into work won't do you any good, Hae. It never does anyone good. You need time, so start with a week. When you return and finish the portfolio, if you want to take a permanent vacation I won't take offense to it."

I pulled away from her. Was Chaerin really telling me to leave? Or rather that it was okay to just pack up and go?

"But where?..." My voice trailed off. 

"Anywhere silly. You've always wanted to travel, start a food blog or something. Go to Japan and Thailand and wherever else around. This is making you depressed, Hae. I can't have that. I don't want to end up losing my best friend. You've still gotta see me get married and do more dumb ." 

I smiled softly. She was right after all. I wasn't dealing with this in a healthy manner. I keep pushing myself to please everyone else, to have them pretend I'm okay and I'm not at all. Why did I always pretend to be fine for people that didn't care whether I was or wasn't in the first place. Why was I always sacrificing myself for other people? 

I needed air. I needed to come to terms with this on my own time and most of all, I needed to get the out of here and go where no one knows me. So why not return to where my love affair started? Food. 

One week. One love. Different cuisines. 

The best way to heal the heart is through the stomach. I hugged her tightly, kissed her on the cheek and left my laptop and camera bag. I walked out of the office, to the elevator and took it down to the first floor. I exited, walking with new motivation as I hailed a cab. I entered the cab, pulled out my phone and called my bank to make a withdrawal. I was going on a trip and I could care less where it started or ended. I needed to heal.