Eunbi?

I know I have seen you but in a flick of second, you are nowhere to be found again. I rummaged my way through the bustling crowd, trying to catch a glimpse of you. Where did you go?

 A minute ago, I was annooyed at how much your image bothered my mind because of this hopeless feeling I have of not seeing you again. The thought really intoxicates me that when I finally found you, in the middle of this crowd, it felt like I could not miss this chance with you. 

I have given up searching for you because you do not want to be found. You cut up all ties and even leaving school without a trace. Umji followed you and no one from us knew where did you go. And from there I knew, you never really cared. You did not even bother to check how we are doing. It seemed you really have moved on.

And so I stopped looking for you. I stopped caring how you do. I even stopped trying to contact you. But despite all these, I still could not forget about you. You were just in everything I see and Eunbi, you became that everything to me. 

At first I thought I was imagining things when I saw you. Like my dreams about you conspired with the weather and distress I'm at that I have been seeing you and you were really not there. But you met my gaze. We locked eyes, and I knew that you were real because there was something in your eyes.

What do you want to say Eunbi?

Or am I the only one thinking you have something to say to me?

My breathing stopped and the atmosphere suddenly became warm. You never failed to make me warm Eunbi. But just like before, when I have felt that warmth surrounding me, you went away. Gone in a second like you were never there. 

Imagine wanting a hug and was given to you only to find that you were the only one embracing yourself. Sometimes, pretending could be a good thing to our health. To not hurt our broken egos, I guess. And I could pretend that I did not see you there and you do not really care...but somehow, the heart wants what it wants. 

And there I was, rummaging my way through the busy crowd, not minding if I bumped into them and curse at me. I do not care about them. And while my head was telling me that I could pretend not seeing you, my eyes were wandering to see you your face again and my legs were running tyring to catch where you went. it was like, they have a mind of their own and I was hopelessly obeying them. 

And then I saw you at a bus stop, you back facing me. Are you really going to leave me again? I'm tired of you walking away from me. Please stay Eunbi. Stay with me. 

"Eunbi!" I called your name. You did not bother to look up ad instead, you tried to run away again. But I will never let you go that easy Eunbi. I managed to grab you by the wrist and stopped you.

And what caught me in surprise was you never broke the contact I have made. I thought that you will persist and would tyr to squirm away but you did not. instead, you slowly faced me with that worried look on your face. "U-unnie..."

++++++

"Shush." Yerin told Enbi as the latter was trembling to say her name. Yerin does not know if it was due to the coldness and Eunbi was drenched or if it was something else. Because when she heard the latter's voice, she sensed that Eunbi was scared. But why? Yerin decided not to ask as she was hurt seeing her Eunbi that way.

So she hugged her. Like what she intended to do during the man times she imagined meeting Eunbi again. But throughout the many dreams she dreamt of seeing her, the actual reality of doing so still felt different. The warmth she imagined would be was different. The body she was hugging was different. Everything that was Eunbi to her then was slowly being replaced by an Eunbi she never knew before. 

Enubi shivered when Yerin slowly caressed her back, soothing her, tyring to ease the fear she was feeling. Her tears kept falling as she hugged her unnie, never wanting to part. There were two reasons on why Eunbi didi this. One was because she doesn't want to face the older girl as she believed she was not worthy of receiving gentleness from the latter despite of what she had done. Second was because, she simply missed the feeling. The feeling Yerin always gives her. It was always there, Eunbi realized. 

"I missed you Eunbi." Yerin whispered as she slowly leaned away from Eunbi. She wanted to see Eunbi's face and maybe wipe the tears that kept falling. 

Eunbi hung her head low not wanting to meet Yerin's eyes. There was still that fear inside her and for the longest time, she doesn't know why. 

"Come with me," Yerin said as she intertwined her hand with Eunbi's. "Let's dry ourselves first. I do't want you to get sick." But as she turned her back to lead the way, Eunbi sood still. 

"I-I should get back unnie," Eunbi suttered. "I haven't told Umji where I went."

"Tell her tomorrow or I will be the one to tell her." Yerin said sternly. Eunbi tensed at that tone and Yerin felt it but she did not bother. She decided that she just would not let Eunbi get away from her. 

"But...she'll be worried." Eunbi reasoned out. She was not prepared meeting her like this and was only contented on looking at Yerin from afar. It felt new and foreign to Eunbi, and she still has not adapted to it at the moment. 

"Lend me your phone." Yerin ordered and face Eunbi who immediately withdrawn her gaze and looked at the ground. "Lend me your phone Eunbi."

She was scared at the Yerin in front of her. She never imagined the girl was capable of being cold like this and Eunbi silently blamed herself for it. She handed her phone and Yerin took it, searched fro Umji's number and texted her, all with the other hand still intertwined with Eunbi's slighter big ones.

"There." Yerin said and handed back the phone to Eunbi. "Now come with me."

"U-unnie..." Eunbi still hesitated.

Yerin looked at Eunbi. " I will not beg Eunbi. I promised myself I would not do it anymore. Just change clothes at my place and I will let you go after that...if that's what you want."

++++++

It was awkward. Having to meet again after a year. The older looked at the younger and attended to her needs. And once the simple agreement of having to change clothes was over and sending her away came, Yerin tried to convice herself that maybe Eunbi still wants to stay a little longer.

But like before, no answer came her way.

And so that older decided to let the younger go, even opening the front door for her. She could not meet those sharp eyes anymore as she silently comforts herself not to cry. Eunbi motioned for the space Yerin created for her ready to go out and this only made Yerin hurt more.

The older's heart was beating faster like it wants to go out of her chest. And if her heart could only talk, it would pour out all the pain its master was enduring. There was a lump forming in Yerin's throat, sugnalling that she could not hold her tears anymore. But she had to. 

And while in that short span of time, many things flashed in Yerin's eyes, all but one face and scene. The day her sun walked out on her horizon and no stars could fill in that company she was missing. And Yerin thought that it would happen again. 

But Eunbi did not walk away. She stood in front of Yerin who could only look at the floor. She was waiting for Yerin to look for her but when her patience went out on her and she called out her unnie's name. 

Yerin was caught surprised that all thoughts she had vanished in a second and she abruptly looked to where  the voice came from. Eunbi stoode there, in front of her, meeting her eyes.

"C-can I stay the night unnie?" Eunbi stuttered. She has still her fear inside and while looking at Yerin, she finally understood what her fear was. She was afraid of rejection. She knew that the moment she walked out on her unnie and regretting what she did, did she became afraid of the impending rejection she could get once she returned to Yerin. All those days when she was secretly  looking out for her, there was a tug inside Eunbi that wants to stay out of the dark and say that she was there. But she was afraid. She was afraid on what Yerin could say when she meet her.

Eunbi heard no answer and she swallowed hard. She knew it was now or never. She went closer to Yerin, hoping that Yerin would notice their distance. "Will let you me stay the night Yerin-ah?"

Every word was  laid out carefully, the younger's breath hitching on the older's face. Yerin went out on her trance when she heard her name. It was the first time Eunbi called her by her name. She met Eunbi's eyes and she saw something in there and while looking at those, Yerin felt different. Eunbi's gaze were drawing her in, like the younger was opening herself up through her eyes. They were longing for something and Yerin wished she was the reason for those.

There was no answer again and Eunbi closed her eyes, silently preparing herself for what to come next. She took hold of Yerin's face and went closer. "I-I want to stay with you Yerin-ah. I don't want to lose you anymore. Not now, not ever. Will you let me stay with you? Because I--"

"Yes Eunbi." Yerin finally said as she saw how Eunbi struggled to say those words back. She wanted to hug Eunbi right there, but it was like she was frozen from her spot when Eunbi smiled at her.

That was the answer Eunbi might have given Yerin that rainy night. The answer that Yerin wanted to hear. But Eunbi was young then, weak and full of doubts. Afraid of what would happen but always making her way back to Yerin out of impulse. But saying it now was too late. 

Eunbi realized she grew a lot this past year. A 'yes' would not be enough to tell Yerin how she was sure of this thing they have. It has to be something extra. Something magical. Something that the both of them would not forget. 

And so Eunbi closed the gap between hers and Yerin, giving out her everything under that gloomy Friday night.