I feel alone.

I stared at the empty journal in front of me, pen still in my hand. I want to write how my day went but could not find the strength to do so. There was nothing important that happened, I only want to have an entry since it has been quite a long time since I made an entry in my journal. 

But everytime the tip of my pen touches the smooth textured paper, all thoughts of what transcribed throughout my day just vanishes and your image will invade my mind.

I would stop, retracting the kissing of my pen with the paper in front of me trying to erase your image clouding my mind. I gripped the pen I'm holding as I concentrate on writing my journal and decided to start again. But everytime I do so, I know I failed miserably.

So instead of writing my entry, I decided to do it again tomorrow--something I always promise myself but never doing it and you are the main reason why. My thoughts about you are becoming frequent like panic attacks and I'm not liking every second of it. I should not be thinking about you since doing so would only bring back memories I just wished never happened.

I sighed and closed the journal I was eargerly wanting to write a minute before. I stood up and went to the window beside my bed and just stared at the scenery outside. Life outside sure does look busy as people were hurrying to get to their homes at this times of the night. I feel good and bad for them. Good, because they could finally lay their tired bodies to rest for the day or to be with their families. Bad, because they are going to repeat their routines tomorrow.

Life is made up of repeated cycles I guess. Like, waking up in the morning to go to work to getting home. And when we feel the weight of that cycle, we try to do things out of what we normally do. But doing things out of the same pattterned routine that became our comfort zones, do we find ourselves creating another cycle that only repeats itself.

Like how we are stubbornly getting in love too many times in our lifetime. It was all the same. We get to meet someone that can take our breaths away only to end up walking away after some period of time. We thought we could not handle the pain it causes us but then, we get to meet another human being that could put another smile to our faces. Another reason for us to share the love within us. Another reason for us to feel that feeling of being in love. Then after awhile, it all goes to nothing again. But since we are that 'stubborn,' we get to love again when wounds are healed and heartaches were like a dream.

But while in this cycle of getting ourselves in love with another, we came to a point where we question ourselves why. Just why did we put ourselves in that kind of situation. The reason maybe because we want to feel being loved and to be able to love despite the many feelings attached to it. We dare be bold when we are in love, like we are invincible and nothing could hurt us only to find that the very same person whom you give your heart to could be the one to hurt us.

Like you.

I know you do not mean it. I know you just got yourself surprised. But you intentionally walked away from me. You left me there hanging with the answer I'm looking still with you. You never got to answer me and I will never hear your answer.

I put the journal in its respective shelf and grabbed the nearest jacket I could find. I could not care less on what kind. Why still bother when you only need to warm yourself when you go out.

It was raining. Well, not technically raining, a drizzle to be exact. But then again, a drizzle would always mean that it would rain right? Like a sign for something that would happen later on.  I let my hand feel the little droplets as I continued to walk and I could not help but to smirk as I looked up at the gloomy sky up above. Funny that nature still bothers to give us signs for an inevitable event that could happen like this moment.

And more funny to think that there some people who just walks away without saying anything. There was no signs. Only the left over happy memories with that person and rising bitter feeling that will accompany you for God knows how long.

I dropped my gaze to the ground as your image suddenly popped out in my mind once again. It has always been like this. Everything I notice will always end up about you like everything revolves around you and I can not seem to get away from you.

Well, there's no one to blame here but myself.

I let myself bask under your sweet and cold presence that you became my everything...no. I decided to let myself fall for it.

People are opening up their umbrellas and some went for the comfort of their sweaters while others run to take some shelter when the drizzle became a troublesome rain. Seriously, a rain in summer? And at night time too? This weather must be freaking ed up and its timing? Well everyone would get annoyed at how much hassle this rain could bring. 

But I don't mind one bit. I'm already in a somewhat drenched state so the rain could do only a little damage to me, I guess. I just hoped that after this rain, so are my thoughts about you. Oh how I wish I could to forget about you.

 But right now, I know it would take me longer than that.

I walked further with destination unknown. I tugged the sleeves of the leather jacket I'm wearing to try to atleast cover my cold hands.

When it rains during night time, regardless if it is summer or not, it will always be cold. Something to be thankful about when it is summer because we are being given a chance by nature to cool oursleves. A chance for the greenery to breathe and bask under  the simple gift of nature of rejuvenation from the healthy rays of the sun.

I find it as a time of reflection. Something most people nowadays forget. I could not blame them, our realities are  stucked up with our built-up cycles. But this is something important. Like this summer rain.

It always gives us a chance to renew the cycles we have created. A chance we need to ponder upon to know how to change for the better. And to know that after this, everything will be alright.

 But sometimes, like most people, I do not consider this very moment as a time to reflect on myself. I am having a hard time in keeping you out of my mind, and reflecting on what I have done or what we have done is out of the picture.

The sleeves of the jacket were short, just enough to cover my carpal bones in my wrist. My hands remained cold but I did not do anything to keep them warm as I realized that the jacket I'm wearing was not mine.

It was yours. 

I let out another smirk  upon realizing that I took your leather jacket with me. Your favorite jacket. The one thing you told me you could never replace with a new one which I find very ironic because you left it with me like it did not matter to you at all. You never went back to retrieve it.

I stared at my hands and the ends of the sleeves of the leather jacket. And for once I felt defeated by these emotions I badly hide at the back of my head. The pain you brought me only made me miserable.

I should stop doing this to myself.

But I can't.

I just don't know how to.

I returned my gaze to the street laid out in front of me. People are scampering away trying not to get wet by the rain. And amidst the busy crowd, I stood still to where I'm grounded.

I looked at them. The people who are running away to get themselves under shelter like the rain was a disease ready to strike them out. I could not help but think that it is something that is within us--the instinct of going away from danger. If we do not want ourselves to get hurt, we stay away to be safe.

But if it is perfectly normal for us to stay away from things that could hurt us, then why do we still love? Love defies this logic.

Love is a simple human desire. Something we seek and something we accept. But though it was that simple, it was not safe.

Love demands a lot from us. Even those things we do not imagine we are capable of doing. Love can be sweet and gentle then bitter and fatal the next.

And while some of us are still risking in giving out their love, there are some who are wise to walk away. To stop a possible love story and heartache however would the ending be. And that is you, Hwang Eunbi.

But while it was so wise for those people to walk away, I on the other side of the people who are risking in giving their love, do not understand why. It is hard if you are in the receiving end of getting an answer. And more hard to move on when you do not get the answer because that person just vanishes in front of you without letting you know why. 

You could tell that you don't like me in a way I like you.

Or at least be cordial by maintaining some distance away... but

You just disappeared without telling where you are going.

You make me feel like you really do not care about me, at least being a friend.

Why Eunbi?