An actor plays a part. It may sometimes be a ruthless Queen who rules an unruly world or a helpless peasant desperate for comfort.

 

 

 

Whatever the character, an actor's responsibility is to convince the audience that what's reel is real. One can achieve this by taking real people, real experiences into the reel world.

 

 

 

I breathe hard and take tentative steps towards him. This is the first time I will do this sort of thing. I was so used to playing roles that comforted me, didn't require me to step out of the box.

 

 

 

This time, I'll be taking a bold step.

 

 

 

I hug the robe that's my only protection from revealing my almost body. I shiver with only a flimsy thin fabric covering my skin.

 

 

 

This is it. There's no turning back now.

 

 

 

I stop and take a look on him. He's Hu Yitian, a friend I just recently made.

 

 

 

But as I look at him, another image enters my mind. As I stare into his eyes, it is not Hu Yitian, the new friend that I made that is staring back at me.

 

 

 

It is my da shen, the man who has captured my heart.

 

 

 

My heart races as I slowly release the knot of my robe. My skin tingles as the thin fabric gradually slides off my body. I should feel ashamed. I should feel conscious but at this moment, it's just me and him.

 

 

 

My da shen.

 

 

 

I press my body against his, all the while recounting all the times our bodies met. He holds my back, caresses it gently and memories of how he once held me tight, as if not letting go soon floods my mind.

 

 

 

I lean down, my gaze on his and suddenly, flashes of his lips slowly grazing mine plays on my mind. Our lips touch and all I can feel is the rush whenever his lips touched mine. 

 

 

 

In this moment, I am not Xiao Jing and he is not Hu Yitian.

 

 

 

In this moment, I'm just Zheng Shuang and he is Yang Yang.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When I first met her, I thought she needed a lot of help. She looked fragile then, just a slight touch and she'd easily break.

 

 

 

But as I've gotten to know her, I realized she's stronger than I am.

 

 

 

When my fans bashed her during filming of our drama, she suffered quietly. Even when I knew she was hurting, she bravely smiled at me.

 

 

 

"Xiao Shuang, dui bu qi."

 

 

 

"What are you sorry for?"

 

 

 

"My fans... they're hurting you."

 

 

 

"Mei you. I've heard worse."

 

 

 

"You don't deserve any of this."

 

 

 

"Yang Yang, they are hurting too. Can't you see? They love you."

 

 

 

She was so considerate even when others didn't give her the same consideration.

 

 

 

"The fans, I understand that they may have a weak heart. I realized they might feel uncomfortable if they see him being close to an actress so I try my best to keep a safe distance from him."

 

 

 

 

Silly girl, who told you to keep your distance?

 

 

 

We've been through a lot. It's been so long that I waited for her. It's true that I feel this rage inside me seeing her with someone other than me.

 

 

 

But that's not enough reason to be irrational.

 

 

 

"So you're here."

 

 

 

I look behind me. There she is, still clad in a flimsy fabric.

 

 

 

"You haven't changed."

 

 

 

I turn my back on her and look ahead. How can I look at her now? Seeing her in just that robe reminds me of her image on top of him.

 

 

 

"I rushed to look for you as soon as we finished."

 

 

 

"Hmm." I just nod, still looking ahead.

 

 

 

"Are you mad?"

 

 

 

I feel her coming closer to me.

 

 

 

"Bu shi."

 

 

 

I feel her behind me, our bodies almost touching.

 

 

 

"They why don't you look at me?"

 

 

 

It's not that I don't want to look at you. I just don't want you to see me like this.

 

 

 

"Did you see everything?"

 

 

 

So she wants to torture me even more?

 

 

 

But just as I start to turn around, I feel her arms wrap around my waist, hugging me from the back.

 

 

 

"All the while we were filming... all the while I was looking at him....

 

 

 

 

... all I can see was you."

 

 

 

I turn around and face her. Looking at her eyes, I see her sincerity. She truly cannot lie.

 

 

 

"Why?" I ask as I wrap my arms around her waist.

 

 

 

She purses her lips and look up.

 

 

 

"I guess my eyes can only see you."

 

 

 

I smile. In spite of all my bitter feelings, I smile. Despite my insecurities, I smile.

 

 

 

"Know that all the time I was with him, I was imagining I was with you."

 

 

 

I try to hide my smile but I guess I'm too happy to contain it.

 

 

 

"You didn't see Hu Yitian?"

 

 

 

"I only saw Yang Yang."

 

 

 

My arms hold her tighter as she leans her head on my chest.

 

 

 

I love her. God, I love her.

 

 

 

"Yang Yang, know this. My eyes can only see you. My body can only feel your touch."

 

 

 

She places her hands on her chest.

 

 

 

"My heart can only beat for you."

 

 

 

I feel it, an overwhelming joy rushes to me. She doesn't say much but when she does...

 

 

 

... she fills my heart completely.

 

 

 

"I was jealous earlier that's why I left."

 

 

 

She listens as she leans on my chest.

 

 

 

"But I'm not mad."

 

 

 

I brush my lips on her hair.

 

 

 

"You've given up so much in the past. I can't let you go through it again."

 

 

 

I kiss her head, letting her feel how much I value her.

 

 

 

"A little sting in my heart, I can endure."

 

 

 

She looks up at me and smiles.

 

 

 

"Shi shi ni, da shen."

 

 

 

I smile and close my eyes. Yes, this must be how it feels.

 

 

 

To hurt so much and yet, endure it.

 

 

 

To love so much and bet on it.

 

 

 

I know it's a gamble but I'm betting on it.

 

 

 

I'm betting my heart on her.