“Hae?”

“….”

“Hae? Are you ok?”

‘Y-y-es...” I replied after wiping his tears with my sleeve.

“Why are you crying hae? I am so sorry...”

“No. I am ok hyuk. Don’t be sorry, it’s not your fault.”

“Not mine? Then why did you ran off AFTER WE TALKED? I don’t think it is not my fault because it is clearly mine. Please, you can trust me hae”

“It’s not your fault hyuk”

“Hae”

“Please”

“But?”

“CAN YOU JUST DROP THE DAMN ISSUE?” I snapped and that successfully make him shut his mouth.

“Oh. Sorry”

“Hurh. I am sorry hyuk. I didn’t mean to shout at you. Just please drop the subject ok?”

“Oh.ok. for now though because I am definitely going to find the out the reason no matter what.” He sticks his tongue giving me mehrong

“Whatever!’ I said sarcastically but with a slight chuckle after seeing his childish behavior

“Aww! You see you should smile more” he was just about to hug me when I stood up and push his hands away.Usually I was ok with him hugging me but since I just discovered my feelings towards him I could not bare to have any physical contact with him.

“I got go...see you hyuk” I said immediately and he face is clearly showing a surprised and what can I see, a shock expression on his face? but I can see that he decided to shrug it off. Then I ran off without waiting for his reply.

~~~

The following day at school it a horrible for me. I avoided him at all cost. I can’t even look at him without hurting myself emotionally. The feeling that I resented and tried to avoided came back haunting me. It came back to hurt me and those times I wasted building those walls to prevent anyone from entering my heart is slowly breaking down. Breaking down with the help of the boy that I recently discovered I am in love with. The boy that I knew won’t love me back and the boy that I knew I can’t be with. The reason is as simple as solving a simple addition math problems, it is wrong and it is never meant to be. I avoided him at all cost and if he bump onto or found me I will make a lot of difference excuses to get away from him and though I know he knows that I am trying to find an excuse to avoid him because well, he is smart and he can read me like an open book which I discovered after we become closer with each other, I will never stop making those lame excuses because I will do anything to get away from him. 

Call me selfish but can anyone blame me? I am always on the hurting side and I am sick feeling the pain on my heart that stings me to death. I am sick knowing if I fall in deeper in love with him I will get double of the pain. I am sick playing the role of a boy in a one sided love. I decided to erase Hyukjae from my heart completely and I realized that if I want to make it a success operation, I will have to avoid him at all cost.

A week had passed since the incident and hyukjae had never given up asking and approaching me. I am more than annoyed but I am also slightly relief because that gives me a little hope that Hyukjae really do care about me but then reality snapped me out of my absurd thoughts again for the nth time. Of course he cares about me, I am his friend but I am more than sure that he will never have any intention to cross that boundary and loves me back. That makes me more determined to avoid him and after another few days of avoidance and lame excuses, hyukjae seems finally got tired and he stop asking and approaching me. Maybe he is tired or maybe he hates me now for avoiding him without any reason. Well, he really doesn’t know the reason, no one knows actually except for me.

After that, I finally didn’t have to make too much effort to avoid him because he seem to stop approaching me as well. Though that is what I wanted from him, but I can seem to feel a little pain tugging at the corner of my heart. The pain of the one I love ignoring me is painful. I feels even more awkward when Hyukjae is not chasing after me, clinging onto me and most of all I missed his teasing. Oh god, the pain is too painful for me to handle. I was on the edge of bursting into tears.

What is going on with me? This is what I always wanted from him right? Well accept it and move on. You have always had control of yourself! I scolded myself because of my sudden weak personality. The weak side of me that hyukjae had managed to create and teach to overcome my strong and stubborn self.

I was walking at the hallway of the university when I caught sight of hyukjae. Hyukjae with a girl clinging onto him. That sight alone makes my heart burst into pieces after all the effort I make to be strong for myself and again the pain surging onto me it too painful for me to handle. I was stuck on my spot for brief period of time until he caught me in his sight and our eyes met. I immediately turn my gaze away from his gaze and I immediately made a turn and ran away from him again. I ran and ran without care. Soon I was in one of the cubicle of the washroom. I was wrecked and I was crying my heart out. I cried and cried with my hands hugging my knees. I was shaking and luckily no one is entering the washroom now because surely they will surely hear me crying and the last thing I want is to have anyone meddling into my life and giving me their sympathy.

Well, this what I want right? Hyukjae to move on and find someone else to clung onto. For him to accept me avoiding him and moved on. For him to find a new companion though I don’t except a girl to be one but again this is reality. A man is bound to search for a girl to be his girlfriend to love and soon made her his partner for life, guess what he had finally making the first step. I should be happy for him right? But the pain that surging onto me is so painful that I can help to wail. Luckily the washroom I entered is the one that is rarely used by the students because of its far location from the main block of the university. My eyes are puffy and my nose is red because of the crying. Why is this time had to be different? Why is this time had to be more painful.The pain from my situation with Yunho and Kyuhyun in the past is nothing compare to me with Hyukjae. Why? I can’t take this pain anymore. I can’t? 

Help me please god. Please help this innocent slave of yours find peace and help this useless human being to be strong to handle these situation. I pray and pray to god with the intention to ease my pain and help me to feel better. I even ask HIM why I have to suffer this pain. What did I do to deserve this? Why do I have to be different? Why can I be like anyone else? I am sure I will be of spare of this huge and painful experience. I am sure I will not cry my heart out of one sided love! Scratch that! I would be spare out of all of these forbidden love. Yeah! That the word. Forbidden love. 

That is what I have been facing my entire life. That is what had been causing the pain in my heart all these while. Forbidden love? Love is the most important feeling in this world. It helps us to face the harsh world when they came back home knowing their love one is waiting for them. Knowing there is always someone by their side to face the world with. Someone to take care of us and to take care of. Someone to trust and to depend on. Love is the only thing that will make this things to become a reality and again that is the only thing I cant have. Love! Love is the only thing that I am lack of. Love is the only I cannot possessed. That fact alone makes me even more sad and I cant help it to cry even more.

Suddenly I heard the door of the washroom open and my name being call. I immediately entered my usually panic mode and I rapidly tried to wipe my tears with my sleeves.

“Hae? Is that you? 

A/n: sorry for the late update! i seriously forgot about this fic here!!!

Anyway~ i will update it regularly since i have few chapters done actually!

Please do comment and i am very touched by some that actually sticked by this fic!!

Please excuse my english here because this fic was written two years ago! This is actually my first fic ever but i am confident that my writing grew as i grow as wel!! 

please comment ok? i will update faster! hehehe  :P