Story Title : 4/5
I like it, but I don't think I would click on it if I saw it on the front page.
The '~' kind of turn me off.
But the title connected to the story, so points for that. =]

Appearance : 7/10
The poster is nice, but its really busy and not very appealing to the eye.
The color scheme is kind of non existence.
But its all easy to read and it doesn't hurt my eyes trying to read the text against the background(which I see an awful lot)

Forewords : 5/10
There isn't much about the characters.
I would have liked to see more.
Its not to late to go back and write a little bit about the characters and more about the story!
And think about adding a teaser!

Plot : 10/15
The story is still on-going so I haven't gotten to grasp the complete concept of the story.
The plot is pretty easy to see, which is a good thing. It seems a little generic. But its not fully developed.
It has all the key components to a plot(rising action, foreshadowing, ect) which is good.
I'm anticipating the and resolution of the story.

Characterization : 6/10
Through the dialogue and narration I was able to get a basic overview as to who the characters are. I want to see more. I know its a 'you' fic and you have to put your own personality into the narrator, but it would help to add a little bit more personality to the girl(not that there isn't any, because there is, but I would like to see more. Put some of yourself into the girl! Writing is one way to express yourself and let your voice be heard!)
When writing your next few chapters, though, please elaborate more on the characters! Go more in depth!

Creativity/Originality : 6/10
Its hard to be original these days, especially with fanfiction of this caliber. But I'm able to see you are adding some of your own voice in the story, but like I said it could use more.
As for creativity, the quotes in the beginning are really creative!
I've read stories like this before(with similar plots) but this one has a different feel. It must be because you are writing in the first person, not the second. Which is surprising for a 'you' fic. Its original =]

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary : 6/10
Spelling&Grammar- There were a lot of errors I noticed that were typos. Before you publish a chapter you should go back and re-read it to make sure everything sounds write, and is spelled correctly.
For a quick grammar tip, when you have dialogue and you add a dialogue tag after the dialogue you have to use some sort of punctuation before the end quotation. I noticed this is something you didn't do.
As seen here:
"I'll come again tonight. I know he would came here" he laugh a little cannot wait for the night to come.
You should have put(puncuation, grammar, and other corrections added)
"I'll come again tonight, I know he will come here." He laughed. The man could not wait for the night to come.

Also, you might want to ease up on the double punctuation marks. (The: '!!' or '??' or '?!')

As for vocabulary, it wasn't bad. It wasn't great though. I saw you repeated a lot of dialogue tags(said, asked, ect) There are a ton of dialogue tags out there. When you write and re-read your work if you notice you have a lot of misused or abused dialogue tags(or any word for that matter) you might want to go back and change them. Go to an online thesaurus website and type in a word you use a lot. (Just make sure you know what the word is! You don't want to be misusing it!) It will make your writing a lot better and people will want to read more!

Flow : 6/10
Right off the back I made a -facepalm-
The switching of POVs in chapters is so unappealing to me.
I'm glad though you stuck with just one consistent POV for the rest of the story.
Also, you fluctuated on tenses A LOT. This made it really difficult to read.
It didn't jump around TOO MUCH. That's not to say it didn't because it did. But it didn't really take away from the story.

Writing Style : 10/15
I expected this to be a fic with straight dialogue(with very few literal details) But to my surprise there was a lot of details.
I liked it, but I think you added some things that didn't need to be there(there were a few little random things that I was like, huh?)
But other than that it was written pretty well(aside from the tense changes, you might want to work on that!)

Overall Enjoyment : 3/5
I'm sorry, 'you' fics really make me cringe.
But I was glad you put 'I' instead of 'You.'
I don't see why writing in the second person is all of a sudden the new fad.
Thank you for writing in first. :)
I like the quotes in the beginning of the chapters, though. That was cool.

Total : 57/100

Bonus : 4/5

Overall Total: 61/100