trigger warning: there is a panic attack scene ahead, its not very detailed but its not vague. you have been warned, you can massage me to know what happened without reading. i wont be bothered. enjoy.

+

Yoongi wasn’t his father’s son.

He did not look like him, he did not act like him, actually, he and his father were polar opposites. His father was harmless at best and a mild inconvenience at worst, but Yoongi can make storms and hell itself rise if it will get him what he wants. That was just how he operated, because that’s what this merciless world taught him. Nothing was innocent, nothing was pure, and nothing was at it seemed, it was never as it seemed.

But he did resemble his mother, who always wore dark colors, and was always either glaring sharply and cunningly observing, calculating. The gears in his mother’s head never stopped working and never ceased to surprise him, but it was okay, after all, she was one of the few enemies that he trusted. And she would never hurt him, because if Yoongi falls then she will fall right along with him. So Yoongi trusted her, because as much as he hated to admit it, she was smart and had a lot if experience and knowledge for their world – correction, her world, the world of sky high building, shares and corporate meetings but he had knowledge of the underground, drugs, weapons and gangs.

And together, they were invincible, he knew that and she knew so as well. They needed each other, so as much as he hated having tea with her every other da y at the country club house, he had to because they couldn’t meet at home, his father might be snooping around and hear something he shouldn’t.

“You need to join him, if you keep going solo, you will become an enemy.” She started, his mother was a beautiful woman with sharp cat-like eyes, and short black hair, thin and a little tall. She had a poisonous smile and a haunting laugh. “Phoenix will not accept you if you become an enemy then a friend, you must become an ally first. Or he will never trust you.” She advised as she took a sip of her tea.

“Joining him is a huge step, I don’t want to be reckless.” He said, looking around the beautiful place, well off families all around them having brunch or simply sipping their sugary drinks. It was a sunny beautiful place, but for some reason, Yoongi hated it. “We can’t be neutral anymore if I join him.”

“There are no sides, only Phoenix and his territory. There aren’t even any competitors.”

“Maybe now,“ He said, “But maybe in the future, there will be, the Chois control a quarter of Gangnam now.”

His mother sighed, “We’ve been waiting for that to happen for a while, and you’ve been neutral for that. But now he doesn’t only have one son, but two.” She said, “You must join him.”

He shook his head, not knowing what he should do. Joining Phoenix did have many privileges but not joining him had quite the privileges too. His phone buzzed and it brought him out of his thoughts. It was his friend – best friend and the only friend he trusted with his life. Sending a text back, Yoongi got up, “I gotta go.” He said.

“Be safe.” She said, and maybe she meant it, or maybe she didn’t. She didn’t ask where he was going, because it may be something illegal and knowledge was a sort of involvement. And she wasn’t about to involve herself.

+

“Have you seen him?” Suga asked, the girl in front of him was pretty, soft skin, and eyes messily trimmed with eyeliner making her gaze seem harsher. Wearing black ripped jeans and a white cropped shirt, she had her hair down and it was tucked messily behind her ears. She rested her legs on his car’s board and ate her ice cream slowly.

Jennie was a sight to witness, like a view atop the mountains.

“Phoenix’s kid?” She said and Suga nodded, “No, they’ve only been there for a week. We’ll meet at the funeral anyway.”

“I saw a picture of the old one, he’s our age and he looks just –“

“ – just like Phoenix, I know.” She said. “They don’t even look alike, its just his eyes and his – his –“

“ – his aura.” He said, finding the word she was looking for.

“Yes, I know right?!” She laughed.

“School is in a couple of days, I am sure we will see him then.”

He groaned, “Don’t remind me.”

“You’re acting as if you’re top of your class, you barely come to class.” She mocked playfully.

“Did I pass or did I not pass?”

She sighed at his ways. “You did.”

“We’re not all so smart.” He teased, because he knew Jennie was a huge math geek and can teach a whole class if she wishes to. She was top of her class and one of the top students in her school, Jennie was not only smart, she was also very hardworking. And when he’d asked her once, why she worked so hard on little things, she told him she was one of the only women in Korea to inherit her father’s shady business and she was not going to let anyone think that she was incompetent.

He knew she was right, people tended to underestimate her, but she always proved them wrong.

“Let’s go clubbing tonight.” He said and she hit his shoulder harshly.

“No, I said we have school in the couple of days, I’m not about to ruin my sleeping schedule.”

“Oh come on, it’ll be fun. –“

“You know, my dad is right about you, you’re bad influence on me.”

He smirked, her dad hated him because he was her best friend but was able to tolerate him in business whether he liked it or not because as much as people hated to admit it, Yoongi was damn good at what he did.

“He still hates me?”

“Yes,” She answered bluntly, “Not hunt-you-down-with-a-shotgun hate you, but like a throw-you-out-a-moving-vehicle hate you.”

He cackled, though it was not reassuring at all, and he’s made a mental note to never get in a vehicle with Kris.

+

The mistress arrived early in the morning.

Jungkook had barricaded the door, saying that Jaehyun will sleep better with something barricading the door, but Jaehyun knew that Jungkook was doing it for himself, so he can sleep peacefully. And he did, for four hours or so, he was in deep sleep. But Jungkook sat with Jaehyun first, sitting him down on the bed, and told him:

“We have to stay here, we have to survive,” He told him, “Until you’re legal, he said I could leave but I can’t leave you here. And the moment you turn nineteen I swear we will leave Korea and live anywhere else.” He spoke carefully, but he lingered on every syllable, his words were promises that are not to be broken.

“He said you were going to leave me.” His brother told him, suddenly feeling small, “Is that true?”

“Never crossed my mind.” He said with no hesitation, he did think about it leaving Phoenix but as soon as his brother crossed his mind, he immediately changed his mind. If Jungkook had to kneel before his father like a dog then he will, for his brother to be safe. Jungkook glanced at the bruise on his brother’s cheek for the third time during the conversation.

“He didn’t hit that hard.” Jaehyun said, noting how his brother’s jaw locked every time he glanced at his face.

Jungkook locked eyes with him, “If he ever, ever lays hands on you. Cut them off.”

Jaehyun had understood from the instruction that they had to survive, to adapt one way or another.

When they made it downstairs, fro breakfast, because a maid had come to tell them their father wished to have them at the table. They were met with her, a lovely woman in her thirties in a mid length dress and a tall denim jacket and white sneakers. She dressed like the idol she was but Jungkook was not impressed either way. She wore a charming smile like she honestly wanted to see them but Jungkook knew better.

It looks like she had just arrived by her luggage that was transported upstairs as she greeted them. She softly began, “You must be Jungkook.” She smiled, “I’m so happy to finally meet you.”

Jungkook titled his head, examining her but didn’t answer, she did not deserve for him to acknowledge, it was not out of pride, but it was out of spite, this woman is the reason why his mother was left in a hell hole while they were here throwing charity galas and parties. She smiled, expecting him to answer but then her smile faded. But it wasn’t from his lack of response but her eyes fell on his brother that had just come downstairs, who’s hair was still wet and the bruise very, very prominent on his cheek.

“ My god! What happened to you, darling?” She asked, even though he felt she knew the answer, deep down.

Before his brother can answer, Jungkook answered; “He fell.” He lied, glancing at his father who stood behind her. He doesn’t want to cause issues, and he doesn’t want to piss him off. They’ve been lying about their abuse all their life, it didn’t matter now.

“You fell?” She asked, not believing it at all.

“Yeah… I fell.” Jaehyun said hesitantly, following his brother’s lead.

She put a hand against Jungkook’s shoulder, “I’m so sorry for your loss.” She said, and Jungkook wanted to roll his eyes. But he had to give it to her, she had some guts to touch him and say that to his face while he glared at her. But he guesses she doesn’t have much shame as she’s probably done a lot to reach his father’s bed.

He swatted her hand coldly, his father glared slightly for him to behave but he only glanced at him and walked to take a seat on the table, his brother following. Tiffany kept her eyes on Jaehyun as he took a seat, bowing to the nice maid who poured him juice. She looked back at Chanyeol and the man groaned internally. He will never hear the end of this.

He followed her upstairs, to where she stomped. Closing the door behind them in their shared room, Tiffany turned to him sharply, crossing her arms against her chest.

“I didn’t know Jaehyun was so clumsy.” She said, her voice sharp and angry.

“I didn’t know either.” Chanyeol casually responded.

“Don’t play dumb, Yeol. I know you hit him.” Tiffany said, eyes staring holes into him. “You’re beating children now?”

Chanyeol sighed, he will literally never hear the end of this. “Just a backhand, the boy was out of line.”

“Oh, he was out of line, then its okay I guess. “ She said passive aggressively. “I guess its okay to hit grieving teenagers who are suffering from severe trauma because they were once out of line. Yes, you’re definitely correct, Chanyeol. Without a doubt.”

He sighed again. “Boys need to have a certain figure they respect, they need to respect me one way or another –“

“Is that why it is totally legal to beat up your kid?” She said sarcastically.

“Boys have to be roughed up a little –“

“Like your father used to rough you up?” It was a sharp statement to say, and she knew it will trigger a certain reaction but she needed to confront him. It comes to point where Chanyeol needs to snap out of it, specially while he is grieving this way. “You know, when he broke a couple of your ribs and an arm –“

“Stop.” He commanded.

“How will they ever trust you?” She interrogated. “How will they ever feel safe in your house when they know that you are capable of hurting them? Huh? How will they ever love you knowing that if you’re challenged, you resort to violence?!” She was now yelling.

“Damn it, Tiffany, stop it!” He yelled back.

“No.” She said. “You stop it. I will not tolerate you hurting them. I am leaving.”

When she was walking out, he grabbed her arm, it was rough movement but she knew that Chanyeol can never be soft even if he wants to be. This was the softest movement he was capable of as his movements was always so sudden, violent and rough. She has always believed it that it was the result of ‘being roughed up’ growing up. Chanyeol had the hardest upbringing, it was not about the physical abuse but the emotional abuse, the amount of cruel mind games his father would play with him. Chanyeol was constantly in a state of war.

But it didn’t excuse him hurting his little boy, his own youngest son.

“I know I ed up.” He said, not meeting her eyes.

She turned to him, grabbing his hand that gripped hers, “I know you’re grieving, I know you’re hurting. But you shouldn’t have lashed out like this.”

“You’re still leaving.” He noted.

“I need some time alone and you need to talk to your boys. And they will not talk to you with me here.” She said, knowing well that Chanyeol’s sons hated her guts at the moment.

“Are you still coming to the funeral?” He asked, his head was still down.

“I don’t know yet.”

Chanyeol nodded his head, and let go. Turning away, she stared at his back that seemed to carry weight too heavy to bear, but she knew Chanyeol, the great Phoenix, will never let it show. But it did show, to her at least, because under all that muscle and his frown, was a man who was really, terribly hurt. She knew how much Chanyeol loved Hyejung, he loved her so, so much even when she stopped coming back, even when she stopped loving him back.

It was all just a complicated mess, a twisted tree that grew in result of wickedness and tragedy.

But Chanyeol handled the weight of the crown and the weight of his pain equally well. But there were times like this when things get hectic.

Tiffany shook her head, no, she thought, stop making excuses for him. What he did was wrong and nothing will make it right.

+

They sat down on the wide table, ate quietly, Jungkook stared ahead, Jaehyun noticed that his brother was making the same face he makes when he solves a hard math problem, he was clearly calculating the woman’s presence in the household.

“She’s pretty.” Jaehyun said, he had to give her that.

Jungkook agreed, she was pretty, after all, he doesn’t expect his father, the man who had unlimited power and fortune to have an ugly girl at his side. “We have to careful of her. She sees us as competition.”

“You think he would give her anything?” Jaehyun asked, it was a valid point, because Chanyeol might have her written in his will and he might have already given her a lot.

“If he’s as smart as I think he is, no.” Jungkook answered. “If he gets a little old and she knows how to play her cards, then maybe.”

“But we don’t want anything from him, right?”

“We’re his only heirs, his money will come to us whether we like it or not.” Jungkook said, he didn’t know why he wanted the money even though they planned to leave his father, live abroad, but he felt like it was his right to have that money, after all those years of suffering, they deserved some money. The idea that the money is tainted didn’t even cross his mind.

Jaehyun spared him a glance that Jungkook couldn’t decipher but he didn’t comment.

+

“Jaehyun.” Phoenix called from somewhere in the house. They both turned around, and Jaehyun gulped. “Would you come here for a minute?”

It was right before dinner and they were both called downstairs for dinner and right before they began to dine their father called. Jaehyun looked at his brother and Jungkook got up and gestured him to do the same, slowly, they walked together to the man who stood right in front the main gates of the house.

Phoenix chuckled, of course Jungkook followed, afraid that he might hurt him again. Jungkook was too predictatble, which was something to work on later – because it was a disadvantage.

They stood far, waiting for him to reveal why he called them. But Chanyeol only said, “Come here, Jaehyun.” The command was clear, and it had to be obeyed, and Jaehyun advanced forward before his brother grabbed his arm and pushed him back, and came forward himself.

He was trying to protect him but Chanyeol had told him that he couldn’t protect Jaehyun from him. He was getting tired of this act.

“I said, Jaehyun.”

“You can talk to me.” Jungkook said, all brave and confident.

“You can relax,” His father told him. “I’m not going to hurt him.”

Jungkook would be a fool to trust him, so he didn’t mind the comment. But his brother walked towards his father and stood before him.
Jaehyun thinks – and hopes that Chanyeol isn’t one to lash out if not provoked but he might be wrong.

“That’s a big bruise.” Chanyeol noted.

Jaehyun nodded.

“Do you know why I gave it to you?”

Jaehyun gulped, was that a trick question? If he answers yes, he will get hit and if he answers no, then he will get hit too? God, he is so tired of this sort of lifestyle.

“Because I was – because I talked to the cops…?” It sounded like a question more than an answer.

“Because you disrespected me.” He corrected. “What you did was wrong. But what I did was too extreme.”

Was that an apology, Jungkook was hearing coming out of the man’s mouth?

“I’m sorry, Sir.” Jaehyun apologized, if he had to say sorry to get out of this, then he will. Sorry was never a hard word for him and his brother. They had to say it often. Words meant nothing, after all, they were only said to make life a little easier for them.

Headlights flashed outside and the man smiled. “My gift is here.”

When the door opened, a girl with wide eyes, black hair that was tinted blue and pale skin walked in hurriedly. She went straight to her boyfriend’s arms and sank into him. Jungkook glanced at his father, was this a sincere apology or a manipulation tactic?

+

Jaehyun loved her.

knows so like he knows that water was liquid and that stars were dead. He knew so from Jaehyun’s eyes as he glances at her, while doing something and simply gets distracted, he forgets the world, his problems and suddenly, for him, the only thing that made sense were her eyes. Jaehyun looked at her like she was the world, like she was the moon and the sun and the only thing he worshipped. Jaehyun looked at her like she was a goddess.
Though he never used to speak about her to in details, he mentioned her, because Jaehyun told him most things, but he never spoke about how he loved her so deeply. When she smiled at him, he’d pause, his tongue would tangle and suddenly whatever he was going to say didn’t matter, the only thing that mattered was that she was here, and that she was happy and smiling and she was with him. And that’s all that mattered, nothing will never matter, even if the sky falls, and the world catches on fire, he’d be happy to sit back with her and watch it burn. He’s already tried the world and it was not for him.

Jungkook knew it, as he walked in on them in the guest room they’ve disappeared into to check on them, they sat on the floor, candy wraps surrounding them, they were both crying, and he was glad that Jaehyun had someone to cry to. At least one of them was going to be okay, they didn’t see him as the door was halfway closed and they seemed in their own little world crying, talking and eating candy.

“He’s taking everything on himself..” Jaehyun spoke softly, tears falling as she caressed his arm and his hair, coaxing him to speak more. “He made this – this deal with him and he’s drowning, I know – I know he is but he won’t talk to me.” Jaehyun spoke, with frustration, sadness, stuttering with his words.

“I’m sure he will come around…” She comforted, trying her best, just seeing him cry made her shed tears. She loved him so much, and his weakness was hers too.

“He’s – he’s not sleeping, he’s barely eating and he’s – he’s too alert all the time, he’s just trying to protect me cause I’m – I’m so useless – so useless, Wendy –“

“You are not useless. Don’t you ever call yourself useless cause you are not.” Wendy said firmly.

Jungkook’s breath hitched. Is this how his brother sees himself? And its because of him? He is the reason his brother is crying, his underestimation of his brother is bigger than anything as he is crying about that and not anything else – not everything else. Blinking, his vision suddenly blurred.

No. No. No.

He quickly put his hand on his chest, feeling a familiar and dreadful feeling coming over him. His heart beat accelerated and his hands and feet tingled. Jungkook put one feet on front on another, because he needed to make it to his room. Or maybe he needed to just sit here till someone finds him. Maybe he needs to call for his brother. His brother was right there, but no. No. Jungkook can’t call for anyone because his throat was clogged, and air barely made its way inside.
Stumbling inside his room, Jungkook tried to keep his body in order, though his limbs seemed to be acting all on their own. “Stop it. Stop it. Stop. Take control.” He murmured to himself hastily, he had to stop, he had to take control. But control was not in his hands, not in this room, not in this house, not in this world. Jungkook was just another servant, a dog who only obeyed orders. Fetch, steal, kill.

Kill.. he’s already killed, and he can never take it back. He can never be anything more than a murderer and its written on his forehead and it taints his hands. Nothing was going to be okay. Because Jungkook’s vision was so blurry that he barely recognized the place around him. Nothing was gonna be okay because Jungkook will never be in control and his mind paced, so did his heart. Everything was never going to okay because Jungkook lost everyone. He lost his mother and his brother was hating himself because of him.

“It won’t be – it won’t be.” He repeated as he grabbed the edge of the bathtub, he only remembers putting one foot in front of the other to come here, but Jungkook doesn’t know how much time had passed, it was still raining and it was still dark outside. He dropped his body heavily in the bathtub and hugged himself tightly. It will pass, or maybe it won’t maybe this time it really won’t.

Whatever it may be, Jungkook only laid down in the empty bathtub and stared at the ceiling, his mind playing cruel tricks on him, repeating memories and words, actions and other things.
Pain and sadness, anguish and frustration coming over him, Jungkook’s tears fell.

For the first time in a long, long while, Jungkook let his tears fall. Drifting into nothingness while tasting tears on his lips.