The bravest thing I ever did was continuing my life when I wanted to die.                                                                                                                                                                                               - Juliette Lewis

Looking at himself in his mirror, he patted his cheeks. “Game face on.” Joshua didn’t need to show them just how bad he felt. They’d worry and ask and he had had enough of being asked about his feelings.

He tapped Vernon’s Kakao talk ID. Letting it ring, he sighed. Things felt like they would spiral out of control again. Joshua had his life together, but one thought of Jeonghan and one trip back to the very city where that person lived had him scrambling, feeling like his world was being ripped out from under him.

“Hey Josh, you outside?” Vernon said.

“Yea. I have some good news for you two. I think,” he said hesitating a bit.

“You think it’s good news? Must mean it’s good news for us and not for you then,” Vernon barked out a laugh.

“Hey,” Joshua said, voice filling with hints of reprimand, “in that case you should be happy for yourself but sad for me.”

“Bro,” Vernon said laughing into the phone, “how am I supposed to be happy yet sad at the same time?”

“Multitask,” Joshua deadpanned.

Vernon’s hysterical laughter filled Joshua’s eardrums. “We’ll be down in two minutes.” The line went dead.

Joshua sighed once again and leaned back against his seat. He didn’t think he was so weak to succumb to just the slight fear of running into Jeonghan again. Did he grow at all during the last six years?

Hearing Seungkwan’s still loud voice, even after all these years it hadn’t changed, he unlocked his doors. It was too late to contemplate that now. He would have to grit his teeth and bear with it.

“So, what’s the good news,” Vernon asked as he drank his beer.

Seungkwan looked at Joshua curiously. “Good news?”

Joshua leaned back into his chair. “Good news. I can probably make your wedding reception.”

“Really?!” Vernon’s eyes bugged out, while Seungkwan leaned close, palms down on the table.

“How?”

Joshua seriously wished he still drank a little. “My cousin Max is getting married and my uncle and aunt need someone to help him. They asked me and while I refused at first, I was made to. So, I’ll be back in Korea in about two weeks.”

“How long?” Seungkwan asked, the light in his eyes even brighter.

“A month at the most I think. Supposedly, Max has a lot planned out but needs me there to be a slightly guiding hand I guess,” Joshua shrugged. “I don’t know how much work I’ll need to help him with but I can only give one month away from the clinic.”

“That’s enough time for us to plan a small reception dinner and you’ll be there. That’s wonderful,” Seungkwan said, beaming at Joshua. “It’ll be your first visit back to Seoul and you’ll be there to spend that time with us.”

Vernon held out his fist. Joshua smiled softly and bumped it back. Vernon nodded at him, smile wide on his face.

“That sad part is that you have to leave your clinic,” Vernon stated.

“Yea.” Joshua nodded.

“Closing it down for the month?”

“No. I’m having a friend who just quit the hospital come take over temporarily for the month that I’ll be gone. I’d shut it down but I don’t want my regulars to have to resort going elsewhere. The friend wants some time to think about going private practice or back to the hospital workforce so this will give her a good feel for a private practice,” Joshua said, sipping at his water. “My patients will no doubt take a break from seeing me. But some of the easier things like physicals and easy exams she can do. My team of nurses will be there to help her as well. So, it should be sort of fine.”

They nodded.

“If not. I can always close I guess. It’s just slightly irksome on some level.” Joshua frowned, thinking of how some regulars wouldn’t like that.

“Better to close for the month instead of having your friend mess up,” Seungkwan pointed out.

“I trust her on a doctor level. She knows her stuff. It’s the problem of getting her used to some of my daily patients and then having them ok with her. Maybe the emergency ones will just come in I guess,” Joshua sighed. Having someone take over for a short period of time seemed so weird.

“Do what you think is best for your patients and your business,” Vernon pointed out. “If you’re worried about your patients finding a place to go to then keep it open. And just emphasis the appointments you have with her about special needs and then have your nurses help out on the walk ins.”

“Closing for a month is too long. I’d rather keep it open.” His shoulders drooped. “It’s just weird to be thinking of being away that long. I’ve only ever closed it down on weekends and the occasional holidays,” Joshua said softly.

“Think of it as a vacation hyung. A vacation that’s long overdue.” Seungkwan said quietly, “We miss you.”

Missed. Wasn’t that a loaded word. Joshua would be lying if he said that he didn’t miss the rest of them. They all lived in Korea while he came back home. To the sun, to English, to his mom. To his father’s grave. He missed them a lot. But he didn’t miss being in close proximity to his former best friend turned ex-lover. He didn’t miss that guy at all.

Vernon interrupted his thoughts. “When was the last time you talked to any of them? I don’t think I saw a single message from you on the group chat in a long while.”

Joshua had the decency to blush, not quite meeting their eyes. “Quite some time. I don’t normally check the app anymore.” He let out a little hum. “I think you were the last one I talked to in the last few months.”

“No wonder. They asked me about you since they hadn’t heard a peep from you in a long time. You should be a little more attentive to your friends you know Josh.”

Letting out an embarrassed laugh, he explained himself. “I get up, open the clinic, check the work messages, see my patients. Close the clinic. Come home, eat, relax, do paperwork. Rinse and repeat except for the weekends, it’s slightly different. I check when I can. The only people who message me on that app are you guys now. My family takes to leaving phone messages and texts.”

“Still. Makes us feel neglected.”

They shifted in their chairs as the waiter came with their food, shuffling things around the table to get things to fit.

“My bad. I’m just rather busy.”

“Do you know what the rest of them are doing? Or if they have relationships?” Seungkwan asked with a brow raised.

Joshua shook his head, spearing a piece of asparagus. “Sadly, to say no I don’t.”

“So, you don’t know that Jeonghan hyung got divorced,” he continued.

Joshua’s stomach lurched. In happiness he thought. If Joshua felt the slightest bit of joy well sue him. He had all the right to feel just a tiniest of bit happy. Served Jeonghan right in a sense.

“Oh? That’s too bad.” While Joshua felt just a bit vindictive, it didn’t mean he didn’t pity his ex. Who knows maybe the two of them did love each other.

“Yea. We wondered what would happen with Haneul but she just gave him up,” Vernon said, eating his steak.

“Haneul?” Joshua said, voice lilting upwards. Who was Haneul?

“Jeonghan hyung’s son. He didn’t tell you? That he had a kid. Haneul is 3 years old now.”

“It must’ve slipped my mind. I mean short of sleep and lots of rest, things go in one ear and out the other,” Joshua said smoothly, dodging future questioning. In all honesty, the last time they spoke at all was when Jeonghan broke up with him and from then on, he ignored all messages, texts, and his presence when they had time to do video calls early on when he left.

“Ah true,” Vernon interjected, “Joshua hyung is a bit airheaded.”

Dryly, Joshua responded, “Thanks Vernon.”

“Just telling it how it is.”

Seungkwan in a sad voice, “It just seems sad that Haneul won’t have his mom anymore.”

Vernon moved close, rubbing at his shoulders to comfort him.

Coldly Joshua said, “It’s better for the child in the long run. If the two of them were having arguments seeing that would damage him in ways that would affect him later on in life. Better for them to divorce when he’s too young to even remember her well.”

Seungkwan nodded. “True,” in a quiet voice.

Joshua sighed, trying to comfort Seungkwan. “He’ll have his dad and the rest of his many annoying uncles. You guys will help Jeonghan. The kid will be fine.”

“He’ll get to meet Uncle Joshua then,” Vernon smirked.

No. If Joshua had his way he’d never set eyes on the child. He didn’t want to see a child that likely resembled Jeonghan at all. If was one thing to had fallen in love with his father a long time ago, but to see and perhaps fall in love with the child that came from the marriage that happened due to them breaking up, no.

“We’ll see. I might not have as much free time. Depends on how well things are going with Max’s stuff.” And Joshua hoped that he wouldn’t have any free time at all and things weren’t going well. He wasn’t ready to deal with that pain. Not in that same place, with the very person who made him break.

“Right. Family first,” Vernon said, a slight pained smile on his face.

“I’ll make time for you guys. Promise. I just can’t guarantee how much time,” Joshua said.

“It’s ok,” Vernon started, “as long as you’re there.”

Monday dawned and Joshua went to work. Informing his team of the change that would take place for the next month.

They nodded, knowing that he had yet to ever take time off. They were determined to do well without him. And Joshua trusted them. It would be fine he hoped, as he took his first ever half day off.

“Let’s get you two hitched,” Joshua said, smiling at Vernon and Seungkwan.

They got out of the car, walking up into city hall.

Joshua did most of the talking, from getting them from the front desk to the court room.

There it was up to them. The judge and the office worker looked through their documents nodded in approval and then it was down the little speech and their yes’s and a nice signed document.

“Do you Hansol Vernon Chwe take Seungkwan Boo to be your lawfully wedded husband?”

“Yes,” he said, holding Seungkwan’s hands tight, smiling so wide.

“Do you Seungkwan Boo take Hansol Vernon Chwe to be your lawfully wedded husband?”

“Yes,” Seungkwan said loudly, smiling just as hard back, tears starting to spill from his eyes.

Joshua was lost in the moment. It was so similar to Jeonghan’s wedding. No, wait. It was so similar to their stupid play acting of them getting married. Jeonghan had joked about it, even going so far to act it out. it gave Joshua a good laugh, but in the end Jeonghan looked up at him seriously and said with such clear conviction that he would marry Joshua one day. What a joke. Joshua had watched him get married to someone who wasn’t him.

He came back to reality as the judge banged his gavel.

“I know declare you two husband and husband. Congratulations.”

The two of them kissed, with Joshua coughing hard in the background. “I think that’s enough. Don’t traumatize the judge.” With a swish of his head he said, “Let’s go. I have a surprise for you two.”

“A surprise?” Seungkwan asked.

“Yea,” Joshua replied with a smile.

He drove them to the café. Nodding to the staff he recognized, he bypassed them and walked Vernon and Seungkwan up the stairs. He stopped right before the door.

“Blindfolds on please,” Joshua said, holding out two black ribbons.

Vernon laughed and nodded. First, he tied one onto Seungkwan, then Joshua turned him around and tied on him.

“Ok, so follow me. Slowly ok. I’ll tell you where to move if things get in the way all right?”

“Got it.”

Joshua opened the door, leading Seungkwan by the hand.

“Turn right. A little more. Ok. Now stop.” He moved, feet hitting the wood of the dance floor. “Let me take off the blindfolds. Vernon,” Joshua placed his hands on Seungkwan’s blindfold, “you take off Seungkwan’s blindfold while I take off yours. On three.”

Vernon nodded.

“One. Two. Three.”

Joshua released the tie on Vernon’s blindfold and Vernon tugged on Seungkwan’s.

Seungkwan let out a gasp as the ribbon fell to the floor.

The roof was empty save for one table in the middle of a makeshift tent gazebo that Joshua had made the weekend. He had Katy fix the rest up with flowers and lanterns and fairy lights to be when the sun went down. It was an intimate dinner for two.

“I can’t bring everyone here for today. But I can give you a special dinner for two. Courtesy of the café and served by me. A gift,” Joshua said all smiles as Vernon held out his hand.

The two of them clasped hands. Seungkwan came over to him, giving him a giant hug.

“Now let’s get you two seated and started on appetizers and drinks,” Joshua said, winking at them.

Joshua climbed up the stairs, drinks on the tray along with a plate of appetizers. He placed down the drinks and the plate. “Today we have some special cocktails. Especially made with the two grooms in mind. A right stinger of a drink for Seungkwan, light on the fruit and deep in the tang. A more light unique one for Vernon, champagne mixed with some whiskey adding a dash of presucco. And on the menu to start you two out with is the house appetizers. All of them to try out.”

The night progressed with Joshua bringing new dishes and taking the old ones. As the night dwindled he the fairy lights and the lanterns giving them a taste of their own private night time view.

“And the last thing on the menu is dessert. A chocolate cake with a berry filling, topped with some cream and your new initials,” he said quietly, voice full of meaning. The cake was topped with their initials of HVC and SB, but underneath he switched the letterings around HVC and SC. “I didn’t know if you would bother changing your names but I thought it’d be cute to show you two anyway.”

“Hey,” Vernon croaked out, “thanks.”

Joshua smiled. “Only the best for my bro.” He gave Vernon a one-armed hug. “Enjoy the cake and the rest of the night. And congratulations. I knew you two could get here.” With that he left them staring at each other with such love in their eyes. Joshua ignored the niggling feeling of jealously. Him and Jeonghan were over. There was nothing to go back to, no matter the circumstances. Because when one loved more than the other it would go nowhere, just like their relationship did.