Holding on to things will only break your heart.   - Mitch Albom, The Time Keeper (via wordsnquotes)

He looked at himself in the mirror: eyes red, huge eye bags, cheeks slightly sunken in. Joshua could see the exhaustion on his face. He pulled a smile; it hurt. To him it looked so fake, rehearsed, but he knew that most people would buy it as being genuine. His friends included as long as he didn’t look certain ones in the eye. All Joshua had to do was keep it together for most of the event and he’d be fine.

He moved away from the counter and straightened his tie one last time before walking out the door and into the elevator. Stomach clenching harder with each decreasing number, Joshua wished he was at the airport now rather than later. He’d rather wait there for hours then have to sit through the torture that was coming his way. But if he missed this he’d be eviscerated by all his friends, all but one. They all planned their lives around this, and Joshua couldn’t back out without a good reason. Not without raising suspicion. He clenched his teeth, preparing himself as the elevator stopped and the doors opened.

The guests applauded thunderously. Everyone smiled, happy for the bride and the groom. Everyone, except for Joshua. Granted, he faked his smile as best as he could. Even when his heart felt broken in two and the urge to cry and hug himself was damn near killing him, he faked a smile. Faked because of the person who was getting married tonight, Joshua's friend turned lover, Joshua's former lover now.

They dated for almost a year before Jeonghan told him one day, “Let’s break up. This won’t go anywhere. Two men in South Korea.”

 Joshua fought the urge to shout at Jeonghan since he had been the one to start this, to tell Joshua that they’d be fine. But he was stubborn and prideful, he wouldn’t reduce himself to begging. If Jeonghan wanted out, then Joshua would let him go. him.

He remembered slamming doors and taking his things from Jeonghan’s apartment. Thankfully, he’d never quite moved in. Otherwise it’d be even more ugly.

They came together naturally, so easily. Between spending so much time as friends, knowing each other so well, becoming lovers was easy. An easy relationship filled with happiness. But from the get go Jeonghan made it clear that they shouldn’t tell any of their friends or their family. Joshua thought it weird but let it slide thinking they would tell them eventually. They didn’t. With each progressive month more secrets piled on top of each other. Jeonghan always seemed sad, loving Joshua but hiding from him until the relationship ended abruptly. And now three months later Jeonghan was getting married. Things seemed so much clearer now. Joshua smiled bitterly.

It didn’t matter though. Joshua was leaving. He had a flight back to L.A., permanently. His dad was sick and he needed to be home. Joshua was going home. He spent the last month packing, selling his belongings that he didn’t need, shipping things back, and applying for jobs back home. Tonight was his last night here, and in all honesty, he would’ve skipped if he thought he could get away with it. Who wanted to see their ex, who they were still in love with, get married to someone else? No one, but here he sat, smiling best as he could as the wedding went on and the man who had Joshua’s heart married someone other than him.

Joshua checked his watch once more noting the time and that he had to leave soon.

Vernon nudged him, “Why do you keep looking at your watch? Do you have something to do?”

Joshua whispered back. “Yea. I got a text earlier saying I had to come in and take a shift later at the hospital and if I don’t make it I’m dead.”

Vernon frowned, “Really? Even after you requested time off?”

“Something happened to one of the other doctors,” Joshua explained. “I have to go.”

“,” Vernon said, “just make sure to tell us before you leave yea?” Once he got the nod from josha, he turned his face back to the vows.

Internally, Joshua sighed in relief. His lie worked. The fact that the hospital had him working odd hours helped at this point, even if he had his last day of work a week ago. Dr. Hong was leaving to go home and the nurses cried a bit, while his department head mourned the loss of one of his best doctors.

Joshua grimaced. He heard vows about love, forever, and making a family. He felt ugly. Joshua wanted to run up there and punch Jeonghan in the face he was so filled with hatred. He knew he should be happy for them but how could he when the stupid bastard whispered the same things to him and sounded like he meant it, only to leave Joshua.

Apparently to Jeonghan it meant nothing, their friendship, their relationship, all of it meant nothing as he left Joshua to pick up the pieces of his broken heart as best as he could. Joshua had to endure this tripe, nursing his broken heart.

The applause rang through the hall and the lights signaling dinner as servers poured into the room arms filled with trays. Joshua ate and answered questions in a haze, while his heart was being stabbed by a thousand tiny knives over and over again with questions about the “happy” couple. But he had bigger fish to fry than his broken heart and the person who broke it.

As the night winded down the couple went to cut the cake, people crowding them. Joshua took this opportunity to leave. He got up and walked towards the doors only being stopped by Wonwoo who was on his way back in, “Where are you going hyung? They’re cutting the cake.”

Joshua pasted a smile on his face. “Just to the bathroom Wonwoo. That last drink I had.” The other man nodded and walked over to the rest of their friends. Joshua pushed open the doors and briskly walked towards the elevator.

 In his haste to finish up business here in Korea, he cut his lease early. His landlord was a nice older lady who understood his situation. Joshua rented out a room at the hotel Jeonghan had decided to have his wedding, for the night. It was convenient. He rode the elevator up thankful that no one else got on. Getting off, he rushed to his room and unlocked it. He quickly changed stuffing the suit into the suitcase while putting on the shirt and jeans he laid out earlier.

Checking out, he thanked the receptionist for making the call for his taxi. Joshua left through the front doors not looking back. As he told the driver to take him to the airport his cellphone rang, text tone going off like crazy. He looked down at the screen, seeing texts from his friends asking if he had come back from the bathroom yet. Joshua turned off the sound, laying back into the seats pushing away all thoughts of the wedding and his aching heart.  His family was his priority now. He’d text them back when he landed.

Jeonghan took his now wife’s hand into his and they sliced into the cake as everyone cheered. He took out a slice, and fed a piece to her. He smiled. God he was a ing great liar. He looked around seeing his friends in a cluster cheering for him. The one face he wanted and didn’t want to see wasn’t there. Joshua disappeared. Jeonghan knew he was there as he saw the man earlier, but now he was nowhere in sight. Wondering where Joshua was as he took his bride back to the table, he looked towards the double doors.

One month later:

He ached right down to his bones. His legs hurt, his arms hurt, his face hurt. Why did he have to stay up? Joshua groaned as he heard another text tone go off on his phone; his friends, who literally texted at a constant rate once he touched down to LA. That’s why he was up still, even when he texted back once when he landed, saying:

I’m back home family emergency. No time. Talk to you when I can.

But that wasn’t enough for them, as during the next three weeks as Joshua dealt with everything in his life they still texted but he never answered back. Every day was exhausting. Flopping onto his bed each and every night in tiredness, he held off from contacting them. Everything was too fresh, too painful. Now he had to. He waited for the video call to go through. Once it connected, noises started bombarding him, almost making him get up to turn off the video call.

“Hyung!? Is everything ok?” Seungkwan screeched.

God, even from his iPad sitting on his desk Joshua could hear Seungkwan like he was two feet away.

“What was the family emergency that you didn’t contact us for three weeks?” Jihoon snapped.

“What the crap Josh?!” Vernon yelled. He let out a yelp. Someone must’ve hit him for the word crap, Joshua thought.

“Shua hyung what happened?!” Soonyoung asked.

“Guys, guys! Calm down! I’m ok!” Joshua yelled back. He knew they meant well but they gave him a headache with all the noise. Still they yelled over each other asking questions, yelling at him for not answering back, trying to make him guilty.

“We saw that you read the messages!” Seungcheol roared over everyone.

“You didn’t answer!” Chan said.

“We worried!” Jun added.

“I was busy!” He groaned loudly.

“Too busy to message back?!” They asked simultaneously.

“Yes!” Joshua cried out as he laid back against his pillows. He wanted sleep, he had work tomorrow. Joshua lucked out nabbing a spot at Shriner’s Children’s Hospital. He also had other hospitals lined up, wanting to interview him, but they were further than he preferred at a time like this. If they were closer he might’ve agreed to an interview. He had tiny patients who wanted to see the funny Dr. Hong in the morning; Joshua needed his sleep. Instead he got yelled at by his friends because he had stuff to deal with.

“The hell!” Someone screamed. It sounded like Jihoon, but Joshua didn’t care at this point. He brought his hand up to hang up, stopping when someone asked, “What emergency was big enough to ignore your family?”

Joshua snapped. “My dad freaking died!” He let his dad die without saying goodbye, taking care of his other family in Korea. He knew they cared and that they worried about him, but Joshua had little sleep since he got back combined with the stress of the funeral, burying his dad, and the guilt. The guilt kept him up at night and ate away at him.

He remembered it vividly. Making it back to L.A., out of the airport and hopping into his cousin’s car only to get the call from an aunt that his dad had died. Joshua missed him by only a few hours; it happened so suddenly it left him reeling. Joshua thought he had more time.

He heard silence: complete, utter, blessed silence. Finally, they yelling stopped.

“If we’re done, I’m I’m going to sleep then.” He sighed, “I’ve had enough.” Joshua had enough of it all.

Mingyu broke the silence first, asking, “Are you ok hyung?”

Joshua sighed, putting his hand on his eyes as he heard the rest of them giving their condolences, their oh my god’s, their I’m sorrys. He heard I’m sorry so many times over the last few weeks that he wanted to strike it from his own vocabulary.

“I’m fine.” He bit out, feeling that wave of bitterness and guilt wash over him. “As well as anyone can be.”

“How are you and your mom holding up?” Wonwoo asked. If Joshua opened his eyes to look, he’d see the sorrow in their eyes, but he didn’t care. Not right now.

“We’re doing all right. The family rallied behind us and everything went smoothly. We just have to deal with our own emotions right now.” And that was the kicker, his emotions. He played the strong, silent son the whole time they had the funeral, and the wake. Joshua even had to write a eulogy for his own father while tamping down on the guilt of having missed him by a number of hours. He was just so tired that he didn’t even want to deal with anything more.

“Did you tell Jeonghan?” Seokmin asked.

Joshua’s heart dropped. He hadn’t thought much of the other man until now, too busy with trying not to collapse with all the funeral preparations. “No, I haven’t. I thought he’d be at his honeymoon or something.” Another lie. Joshua was full lies now a day. Especially when it came to Jeonghan. He didn’t want to talk to Jeonghan. Ever again, if he could get away with it. “One of you can tell him when you see him at the office.” A few of them worked in the same building, making it easier for them to see each other versus the others.

“When are you coming back?” Minghao asked quietly.

Joshua took his hand off his eyes. Sighing, he looked them in the eyes before saying, “I’m not.”

Some of the others gaped, while a few nodded in understanding.

“I resigned from the hospital a month ago. I also cut my lease. I’m staying here in L.A. permanently.” He explained, rubbing at his tired eyes. “I’m not leaving my mom. Not after this.”

“Then what about us…?”

“What about you guys?” Joshua said exasperated. “You’ll live without me.” He ran a hand through his hair. “I can’t leave her by herself. Do you understand? I can’t.” He said, desperation leaking through.

“No, you’re right. You can’t leave your mom.” Seungcheol looked at him through the camera. “It would’ve been nice to be able to say goodbye though.”

“Things happen.” Joshua replied. Things did happen, like falling in love, then getting dumped, then going to your ex’s wedding, then having your dad die. happened.

Seungkwan tried to brighten the mood. “You can always visit! Or vice versa!”

Joshua nodded absentmindedly. “Yea, visits.” Looking at the clock on his wall, he noted the time. “Look it’s super late here and I have work tomorrow so good night ok.” He pressed the end video button abruptly. He knew deep down they meant well. He knew. But at this moment it didn’t mean much of anything to him. He let his father die without saying goodbye. He let his mom down by not being by her side. He let himself down as well. Joshua rolled on his side, clenching at his blankets in tired frustration drifting off.