Class ended earlier that day, much to my surprise. 

Yet a surge of excitement rushed at me - because I had time to ask Mr. Robert more questions. Parabatai was just so fascinating I had already listed my questions I had planned on asking. Mr. Robert was in the middle of keeping his stuff when I walked up to him.

"I'm sorry to interrupt you sir, but I have a few questions to ask you-"

"Er, I'm sorry but I'm kind of in a hurry Mark." he cut me off rather brutally. "I'm sure you have plenty of questions - which I'd be happy to answer all of them some other time." he was busy he didn't even have time to look at me. 

I concealed my disappointment, "Y-yeah sure, I understand. How about-"

"-Tuesday afternoon sounds great." he said. "I'll see you then, have a nice day." and he hurried off. 

"M-Mr. Robert!" I still called after him, this time louder since he was about to exit the hall. At first he wasn't turning around, but after an oddly long time, he did turn around. It might have been the trick of the light, but his gaze seemed to soften.

"Y-yes Mark?" he asked, in a more laid-back tone. "What is it?"

I gave him the book he had dropped next to his desk, "You dropped your book." I blurted. Slowly, he walked back to me. He held out his hand and took it back from me, his eyes unwavering from staring me down. There was a cluster of emotions within them, and I had no idea why he was acting like this. "Sir, are you okay? If you're in a hurry then you should get going."

That made him snap out of it. "Right you are, thank you Mark." and he his heel before leaving the empty hall. 

"Huh." I studied the journal with the cut-out pages. I went through both the book and map back-to-back, narrowing down the red dots that matched the number of cut-outs exactly, which I had assumed the missing pages would be located at the location of the red dots. For what reason, I was unsure yet. At the same time I had asked help from Tim, since he was the genius after all.

"It seems like your mom planned for an elaborate mystery of sorts for everyone to unfold, but its pretty unlikely that her clues would still be there after so long." he reasoned.

I grinned, "That's when you're wrong," and I flipped to the front page, where she had already wrote something that mirrored who she was - a hopeless romantic. "'Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme.'" I looked at Tim. "When she left things, she wanted it to stay there." 

"Now we know where did you get all those romantic writing skills from." he remarked and I punched his arm. 

"I gotta get going, I have to meet Mr. Robert." and I slung my bag onto my back, inside were the notes and book he wrote. "He was kinda in a hurry the other day."

"Yeah, he does seem a bit on edge lately. Anyway, I probably will come in late tonight." 

I stopped myself before passing through the door, "Why?"

"Come on, Lucas is finally throwing a party tonight. I'm his best friend here, so I gotta take advantage of that. You should join too!"

I rolled my eyes, "I'd rather be doing something else than getting drunk." and closed the door behind me. 

I headed over to the staff room, asked the clerk where Mr. Robert's place was situated. His office room was at the very far end, with his plaque engraved with his name signified I was at the right place. It must had been lunch hour because the room staff room was practically empty, so I knocked. When there was no answer I knocked again. I knew it was wrong to enter without permission, but he did ask to meet me...

I went into the room, that dripped with the scent of expensive cologne. Various frames were hung upon the wall, depicting his photographs and some more paintings. Beside his study, were his display of books he had written - seventeen in total, and he put them on a pedestal for people to admire. I found that amusing. I was so busy looking at stuff I didn't notice I had knocked over some of his files he had placed on the edge of his table. The papers scattered across the floor, frantically I picked them up. I am so busted, I thought - until one of the papers with my name printed on it caught my attention. I wasn't supposed to peek, but I did anyway.

DNA PATERNAL REPORT

ALLEGED FATHER: ROBERT J. LAUTNER
         CHILD: MARK LEE MINHYUNG

RESULTS: 99.99% POSITIVE

"Mark-" he came stumbling into the room, and was dead on his tracks when he saw what I was holding. 

It took me time to digest what I had read, everything around me seemed to be spinning horrendously. Every word took over me like a tidal wave, pushing me even more astray. The second time I read it and understood, that tidal wave was shoving salt water down my throat. No words could come out from my mouth as my throat had closed up so long ago. 

I was shaking.

He reacted first, and approached me. "Mark, I can explain-" but I cared less, I had lost the ability to react. "Mark, please listen to me."

I gulped, "This is joke. Tell me this is a joke." I stared at him, dumbfounded. "How did you get this?"

He his lips, "When you told me about your mom, immediately I thought about what I did so many years ago." he was at a stump for words. I knew why, it was because he didn't know how to tell me. "Look, I know this is a lot to take in-" there was a very long pause, then he looked at me again with guilty eyes. "I'm sorry, Mark."

"Hard to take in?" I couldn't help but laugh in disbelief. "All this you're saying, and you're telling me it's hard to take in?" I pursed my lips, I didn't want myself to stutter. Not in front of him. Anyone but him. "All these years, these nineteen ing years you disappeared - and all you could manage was 'sorry'? Are you ing kidding me?"

I never cursed like that in my life, and somehow all kinds of emotions were running through my mind. From numbness to anger and to just pure rage just by looking at the monster that purged me of everything I could have had. All those better possibilities crossed out because of his biggest mistake. It all happened in a blur, when my hands grabbed him and my knuckles hit his face.

The ringing woke me up, and I realized what I had done. Indeed, there was a bruise across his cheek. But he didn't stop me, he just looked at me. And that was what made me even more mad. 

"You have every right to hate me, to punch me, to think that I'm a jerk, Mark. If throwing a punch will make it better, then do it." he said calmly.

I wanted to do it, but I didn't want to grant him that temptation.

I shoved him away, still in disbelief of everything. I turned away, calmed myself down as I faced the wall. I thought of the right words, "Tell me then, why did you leave?"

I imagined him just standing there like a prisoner in court, for a crime he most definitely commited. "I didn't know. Marissa never told me-"

"Why did you leave her?!" I shouted. "Because of you, she suffered all those years trying to protect me! Because of you, she had to put up with that 's torture every single day. BECAUSE OF YOU, SHE DIED IN VAIN! BECAUSE YOU LEFT, I HAD TO GO THROUGH HELL!" and by that point I was choking. 

He didn't know what to say anymore. And I didn't want his excuses, the damage had been made and I had gone through enough pain. He had no idea how much he took away from me and my mom, he was the very person that could have had turn the tables. 

And he didn't take the chance.

He sighed, "I know you went through a lot, Mark-"

"No!" I snapped. "You don't have any idea what I went through, so don't act like you know anything!" As he stood in front of me, all I could see was a monster I had come to picture in my dreams. The nightmare of all nightmares. 

"Please Mark," he pleaded. "L-let me make it up to you..."

I shook my head, as thought were running past my mind and I was holding back from lashing out again. I didn't want to lose control in front of him, as if he was controlling me mentally. "There's no fixing what you broke, and you were never part of my life before anyway. It won't make a difference if you disappeared from it again, so stay away from me." and I darted for the door.

"Mark! Mark, come back!" I heard him say, but I was already running.

YOU HAVE TEN MISSED CALLS. 

I stared at the screen, three of the calls were from Timothy - followed by a text asking if I was joining the party that had started two hours ago. The other seven were from Donghyuck, since we had promised to talk over the phone once every week. It was routine, but I didn't feel like doing so that night. 

I didn't want to break down over the phone.

So there I was, sitting on the bleachers and staring at the empty field under the moon. I had lost track of how long I had been there because I just wanted to be alone, away from my troubles, or more specifically away from thinking about them. I looked to my left, and sighed at the sight of unfinished can of beer. I had tried coping it using Timothy's stash of Heineken under my bed. I thought maybe I could put my mind off things by feeling intoxicated for a while.

But I felt like throwing up the moment I took the first sip.

I held the beer can, and pursed my lips. His words started replaying in my mind again, making me even more agitated. I hated myself for thinking about him so much when he mattered so little. And yet he was already invading my thoughts. I was so desperate to cast him away I felt pathetic thinking about it.

How much of a joke are you Mark Lee? Frustrated, I threw the beer can and shouted with all my might. Then I realized I was starting to leak tears, immediately I wiped them away. I refused to cry just yet because it didn't matter at all.

I walked solemnly back to the dorms, my hands in my pockets. Then I noticed someone in front of our dorm, it turned out to be Timothy - drunk and dazed. He continued knocking on the door, "Lee Minhyung, hey, Lee Minhyung? Let me in!" 

In case he woke up the rest of the wing, I hurried over to him and grabbed him by the shoulder. "Are you planning on waking everyone up?" I hissed. 

He grinned, "At least it made you come back, Mark Lee. Miss me?" 

I fumbled to unlock the door, with him trying to kiss my cheek in his intoxicated state. "Hardly. And don't you have keys already?"

"Yup, I lost them long ago. Besides I'd like you to open the door to my heart anyway." he flirted. I would have turned red if I didn't know he was probably talking gibberish as he imagined me to be one of his flings. Probably a guy he had met at the party. 

"Alright, let's get you inside." I dragged him into our room with much effort. His brown jacket irked of a flurry of drinks mixed with orchid perfume and cigarettes, and his sleeved was draped on my shoulder as I pulled him to his bed. He crashed on his mattress with a loud thump, then he groaned in reply. 

"Let me tell you something Mark Lee," he mumbled. "Sometimes, I just...feel like disappearing into the void. Ask me why, Mark Lee."

I stared at him from across the room, where I sat on my bed. "Why, Tim?"

"Because blackholes, I just discovered were places where time might not even exist - hence the phrase 'kill time'," and he laughed at his pun. "So if I hid in a black hole, maybe for a moment, time would stop for me and all the problems in the world would vanish along with it."

I was quiet for a while, because I was taking his words seriously. Not the blackhole theory at least but...

"If you were to make the choice, Timothy, would you - leave?" I asked him.

"For good, no. For a while, possibly." he answered, in a surprisingly aware tone. "Because if I can't escape my jeopardy, I might as well... hide while I still can." and he began snoring.

I sighed, "Thanks for nothing, Tim..."

I stared at the single stick of cigarette between my fingers, that was ignited by the lighter Timothy left in his underwear drawer (he did say sharing was caring after all...) Technically he never said I was prohibited from smoking from his pack, he might have assumed that I wasn't the type to smoke - I never thought about trying to smoke in a lifetime, so maybe that was why. Nonetheless he didn't seem to stir from his hangover, so without thinking, I put the cig in between my teeth and inhaled a mouthful-

Immediately I coughed it all out, after the smoke had seemingly filled my lungs. I could feel myself suffocating from carbon dioxide and tobacco, I threw the cigar out of the window and grabbed for a glass of water on the nightstand. After chugging it all down, I slumped even lower against our dorm walls. Just how much of a joke can you be? I asked in my mind. Everything I was doing to myself seemed pathetic to begin with, since I couldn't accomplish any of them perfectly. I gazed at Timothy who was passed out on his bed, and looked at the mess he was - drunk, dishevelled, yet he was perfectly fine with it.

Reflecting upon myself, as much as the two of us were from different worlds - I couldn't help but envy him. Unlike me, he had a life he was comfortable with, he was comfortable in his own skin too. He could wake up the next morning, despite being hungover, still step into class for something new to hope for, he could gaze at whoever he liked (specifically guys in that matter) and daydream all he wanted to. I wasn't in that case, all that flooded my mind was paranoia and stress. Yet I couldn't lift any of that off because I was so pathetic - I didn't have the guts to take a shot of booze or a puff of smoke...

Then I saw the red convertible Doc gave me parked outside our hostel, the most absurd idea popped into my mind. Maybe it was better to take time off things, to rid my worries of the world even just for a moment (how long, I was not sure yet) and just escape misery for a second. The more I considered it, the more tempting it felt to just disappear from existence - to simply run away. 

Everyone would worry, that was what I thought about. Aunt Tiffany wouldn't want me to do anything stupid, including Doc, and Donghyuck would flip if he knew my plans (he would kill me himself); but I knew if I didn't do it, I would regret it for the rest of my days. It would be almost like a movie or fiction, where I dissolve into an abyss and no one would even interfere the next morning when I open my eyes, just escaping my problems in my problematic life. Becoming a shadow didn't seem like such a bad idea after all. 

I took out my mom's journal from my drawer, and went through the map and clues again, then I checked my wallet. The possibility of her leaving something precious behind almost gave me a surge of happiness because I was finally discovering something about her again. And that she was so much more than who I remembered. 

I grabbed the keys and crept out the room.