RileyLupin_004: I need to talk to you, you know what it's about. 

I didn't want that answer from her after I tried avoiding her calls. Ten missed calls in total, seven out of them that were did intentionally. The last time I had seen Riley was during last Christmas break, where we went back and forth between each other's households, celebrating with both our families during the snowy holidays. Everything seemed perfect at that time, after our reconciliation and second chances. Fast forward after summer vacation and the next few months of not meeting the latter due to packed college schedules - everything else diluted our connection...

"Hey Mark, catch!" Donghyuck hollered at me as he tossed a box of my stuff at me, the second I stuffed my phone in my pocket. I caught it just in time, I still glared at him. 

"Some of these can break, genius!" I scolded before carrying them upstairs to the third floor, where I lived with my roommate, Timothy Armor (people around campus call him Ti Amo, but I didn't seem to find that joke as funny as it was supposed to be). By the time I arrived, Timothy was already lounged on his bed - the exact same position he was in when I left for semester break, in the same pose and the only difference were his clothes and hair that grew a bit longer over the months. It was as if he never left. 

"You're earlier this semester, Lee." he remarked, as he read his book ( I believed it was Demian by Herman Hesse). 

"Hey, Tim," I groaned after settling my stuff on the desk before hurrying out the room to get more luggage. The next time I returned, Donghyuck was trailing from behind with a few more boxes; he had begrudgingly did so since I was older than him. "Just put them on the floor, I'll clear it up myself." I told him. I noticed Timothy was looking. "Oh yeah, Tim, this is Donghyuck-"

"-your brother?" he grinned. "I can tell, though. He seems cool, is he still available?" and he winked at Donghyuck. If this happened some time before this, Donghyuck would have avoided that topic at all costs. But due to him finally getting used to it, he seemed fine by now. 

"Er sorry to break it to you, but I have a boyfriend." he answered sheepishly while sitting on my bed. Without my permission.

Tim nodded understandingly, "It was expected, no harm done. Mark Lee here just didn't want me to snatch his little bro's wig with my dashing charms, that's all."

I unboxed my books and settled them on the shelf, "Even if I knew you were interested in Donghyuck, Tim, he's been dating his boyfriend even before I became roommates with you - they haven't broken up yet!" I looked at Donghyuck. "By the way, how's Felix?"

"He's alright, I guess." he answered nonchalantly. "He'll be going back to Australia by the end of the year, we'll see what happens then with our relationship - who knows?" his fingers fiddled with his headphone wires as he listened to his mp3. "By the way, Doc's picking me up later since he's coming back from a medical meeting nearby, he should be arriving ten minutes from now." 

No one expected his relationship with his first boyfriend to last long, much less for one whole year and going strong. During semester break while I was at home, Felix would drop by from time to time - and he and Donghyuck would occupy the living room at night (it could possibly be because they didn't want me to see what I wasn't supposed to), they were literally stuck with each other like glue. And the talks about continuing their little romance were touchy, since neither could guarantee a 'long-distant relationship' would work out. 

"Hey Mark, got any new books over the holidays?" Timothy asked me suddenly. 

"Yeah, here catch!" I tossed the one I was holding at that moment. "Call Me by Your Name by André Aciman, got it for a cheap price since I thought you'd like to read it."

"Sweet." he grinned. "And I'll exhange Paradise Lost with you later." he waved the book he had rested on his abdomen. "Found it lying around at my great granddad's bookstore - thought you'd want it."

I did want it.

"Cool, thanks Tim." I answered. 

Donghyuck whistled, "No wonder you didn't complain when you had to change a roommate other than me, you found someone better and could relate to your nerdiness." 

"Whoa now, chap," Tim rose and adjusted to sit down. " 'Literature is one of the most interesting and significant expressions of humanity', quote by P.T Barnum. So Donghyuck, here's the thing about studying words - it's hella cool, and two, being a nerd isn't necessarily an insult. You're just telling that person they're smarter and giving them the entitlement to be super enthusiastic about things they like. So to speak."

As expected, Donghyuck could only blink in dismay. "Good god, I can't deal with intellectuals," and he hastily got up. "Staying here for another minute and I'll really feel inferior..." he checked his phone. "Good, Doc's already waiting for me downstairs."

"I'll send you off." and I escourted his out the room and downstairs. But before that, Tim hissed at me. 

"Psst," he said. "He didn't notice the beer cans under your bed, right?"

I smirked, "No, and if he did, I'll still say it's yours."

Outside with the people checking in and carrying their stuff, Doc's silver Benz was parked in the middle of the piazza, he waved as soon as he saw us. I huddled over and immediately, he gave me a bear hug. 

"I suppose we won't be seeing you until the holidays?" he murmured. I nodded then he patted my back. "Take care, okay? Don't worry, your aunt and I will be fine - even more so since your niece will be arriving about the time you return, it's gonna be a celebration for all of us."

"Can't wait." I laughed nervously. Indeed, Aunt Tiffany had already entered her second trimester by the time I had to go back to college. It was a surprise for everyone when she announced she was expecting, Doc literally lifted her up when he knew. The house was filled with so much mushiness of love, Donghyuck and I were dying to get out of the house at that time. It was so happy that it felt awful to everyone else, even Doc's Great Dane, Fraser was better off sleeping in the backyard for a week... "Tell Aunt Tiffany I'll be alright here, and there's no need to visit so often."

As they got in the car, Donghyuck stopped himself and pulled me to a corner for just a second. "Hey, so how's everything going with Riley?" he asked under his breath. 

I looked up at the sky, "Y-yeah, she's fine. I mean, w-we're A-okay..." I trailed off when I saw him raise his eyebrow. "No." I admitted. "We're not getting anywhere yet at the moment."

"I texted her the other day, and she didn't say much either," he replied. "What did she say to you?"

I shrugged, "I've been ignoring her calls since last week, so I have no idea what she wanted to say." But deep inside, my thoughts were the same as Donghyuck. We didn't need an empathy link to know what Riley wanted to talk about. Our failing connection. 

"Mark," he sighed. "You do know ignoring her isn't making things better right? It's even nicer if she actually wants to make a clean cut with whatever's going on between you two. I'm not going to side anyone on this matter, since one's my best friend and on the other hand one's my brother if not my other best friend. Things like this just happen, and it's not impossible to fall out of love - I reckon you know about this fact too right?"

I pursed my lips, I know, I wanted to answer - but no words came out of my mouth. It was to toxic to express it out loud. People were continuing their business of unloading their cars full of luggage, and it reminded me of Riley who was probably doing just the same hundreds of miles away from where I was. No one expected less when she received acceptance letters from not just one, but all Ivy League universities - she was currently a student in Harvard. Things went according to plan for me, I went to UVA under their writing programme. Fast forward a year, I was thrown into a world of literature and poetry and art while surrounded by people who thought alike with me. 

Yet, I still couldn't feel at peace. 

"Call me or text me whenever you have an update, okay? Remember our promise, I got your back." he patted my shoulder before getting in the car. I waved at them from behind as they disappeared into a distance. I still wore the bracelet we had dug up so long ago, it was tied around my wrist and I never took it off. Time and time again, Donghyuck had proven to be the best person to talk to and get support; with all the arguments we had gotten into, there was no point in holding grudges because we both knew we needed each other no matter what. 

But he just couldn't understand that whatever there was in stored for the fate of Riley and I - I had to face it alone. 

"Aren't you coming over for the house warming party?" Timothy asked as he put on his motorcycle jacket. I swore to god, he looked like a modern version of James Dean with darker hair slicked back to look like a Hollywood movie star (maybe that was the theme he was going for that night). "Nancy's hosting, and she wants everyone to be there."

"Yeah, tell her I'm having a headache and that I said hi." I flipped the next page to read. I wasn't in the mood for parties. 

Tim crashed onto my bed and lied on the covers, "-when one, you are not having a headache and two, the fact that you're already planning on being absent for the first party of the semester. Can't you do me a favour and cut yourself some slack, Mark Lee?"

"Mm-hmm," I answered. "Still a 'no'."

He stayed silent for a while, letting me read in peace when I knew he was ticking down the seconds to talk again. I knew him all too well. Next in line to Donghyuck, Timothy Armor seemed like the only person I found bearable while forming hours-long conversations. Despite clear documented differences, in which he could enter a class, slightly intoxicated and hungover - he could still pull it off by channeling his inner Shakespeare and not get caught. He smoked, I knew off the bat, and he had this constant scent of orchid fusioned perfume that was usually for women (heck, everyone was entitled to wear whatever they liked, so I didn't question it). 

"'I go to seek a great perhaps.' those were the last words of Francois Rabelais," he blurted. "Heard of it before?"

I rolled my eyes, there he was at it again. "No, I haven't. Tell me, then." 

"For this particular poet, his Great Perhaps was his afterlife," he explained. "But it can be interpreted to many other definitions, which don't necessarily involve dying. Most scholars view it as the pursuit of endless possibilities and fulfilled dreams. Let's say in some near future you would feel like putting down a certain book you were reading, imagine the possibilty of you suddenly having the urge to get up and taste the colors of the night; perhaps, you might enjoy yourself. Perhaps, you would forget you ever thought of turning down an invitation to a party that embodies glee. Perhaps, Mark Lee, you wouldn't regret your pursuit of enjoyment just for once. Are you clear now?"

I chuckled, "Because you actually put in the effort to drag me out of bed, fine, I'll go." and I closed the book. "Perhaps you're right this time."

"Perhaps I am." he answered.

Nancy was actually co-hosting the party thrown by her sorority club, so technically by 'everyone', it meant everyone on campus. 

We had arrived late and was welcomed with the blaring sounds of the music and cheers and just chaos. The delay was partly because Timothy had forced me to change into something more 'festive'. In no time Nancy had came over to usher us, I usually saw her as a more conservative person, yet she was wearing a daring dress that revealed more skin than usual.

"Glad you two could make it." she greeted and handed us some drinks.

Tim whistled, "Looking good, Nancy." He looked at her from head to toe (He had proclaimed his uality from the start, but I still could get confused especially in situations like this...) "Never thought you'd be one to...dress like this..."

She swatted his arm, "Sorority dresscodes, that's what they said. Trust me, I'd rather be in warmer clothes now." and we laughed. "Mark, you're looking pretty good too. Have fun tonight!"

I sipped on my drink, "Are you sure there's nothing alcoholic in this? 'Cause I really don't want to get drunk." I eyed the pink liquid in my glass. I tried drinking once - it did not end well. 

Timothy put his arm around my shoulder, "Trust me, you do not want to see him drunk." He winked at me, since he was the only other person that ever saw me drunk. He was honest with it, I was horrible at holding my alcohol, I would turn all giddy and jumpy like a kid having a sugar rush. It was that embarassing.

"Don't worry, we don't serve alcohol because one, we're vegan and two, vegan alcohol is pretty pricey." she assured. I almost forgot that a number of girls, that including Nancy, were devoted vegans. They treated it like a religion, banning animal cruelty and all.

Familiar faces were in the backyard bar, sitting as they chatted and drank. Lucas and his girlfriend Somi, Ily who had Syrian roots and her foster sibling Caleb. We were all in the same class so all of us were relatively close to each other. It had been a year since getting to know these people. Having study sessions, group discussions and weekly bookclub meetings were nothing out of the ordinary (that was why Nancy looked different to us, since she was usually found wearing jeans and flannels).

"Welcome back guys!" Lucas waved at us. He was the moodmaker of us all, always prepared with what to say to brighten up the atmosphere. I was about to sit down - when my phone vibrated in my pocket.

INCOMING CALL - RILEY

"Er, excuse me for a second." I told everyone. "Nancy, is the bathroom inside available?"

"Yeah, just go upstairs." she answered before I took off, hurrying into the house. 

Donghyuck was right, I had to stop ignoring her once and for all.

"Hey," I said as I closed the bathroom door. 

"Hi Mark." I could hear her say on the other side of the phone. Her voice was familiar, but for some reason I felt like I was holding my friend. In the background there were faint sounds of music too, maybe she was at a party too. "I tried calling you before, why didn't you answer my calls?"

I scratched my head, "Er, I was in the middle of something. Bad timing. Why'd you call?"

"Um," she hesitated at first, she was holding back. "Well...this is hard to say." I heard someone call her name in the background. 

I laughed nervously, "Seems like you're occupied, better hurry up and spit it out - you don't want to keep your friends waiting right?" 

"Mark," she said solemnly. "We could always guess what we're going to say, or think, so I think both of us know what I'm trying to tell you." she tried making me break the news to myself - that the very thing I didn't want happening, was about to happen.

"W-what do you mean?" I sighed, what are denying it, Mark Lee, I thought. Pursing my lips, I asked, "Riley, be honest with me, are you happy there?"

"Yes, I'm very happy here." she answered, slightly surprised.

"Then, are you going to be happy if we end this? If we end what we still are?" 

There was a long pause. "I think both of us will be happier, Mark. We've been through this, that second chances don't necessarily mean happy endings. But that doesn't mean we can't stay as friends, I'll always be your friend if you need me, Mark."

I don't want just that, but none of those words came out of my mouth. I knew that was me being selfish, and that part of me couldn't bear to let her go. I said it to her myself when I asked for another shot, the future was unpredictable and neither was our love story a written play. It's so hard to fathom that people could fall so deeply in love until they did not know which way was up - yet when one falls out of love, they know exactly which way was down. 

I felt like plunging into a black hole.

"Then I'll let you go," I said heavily, the words stung. "If this will make you smile twice as wide than before, we'll end this. Just remember this, Riley Andrews, that if I did anything to hurt you - I'm so sorry."

"Nono, Mark," she said gently. "You did nothing wrong, this isn't anyone's fault-" Someone hollered her name again, causing her to stop mid-sentence.

That was my cue to end the call. 

I cut the line and stuffed the phone in my pocket once more. Unknowingly, I sunk to the bathroom floor littered with makeup. I wasn't crying in spite of the ache in my chest, my eyes were dry. There was this numb pain from within, that really struck me for the first time because I knew I was letting her go for good. 

And I can never take those words back ever again.