"You wanted to see me?" Timothy asked that night, after I sent a text when Donghyuck and I approached Larson House. We both agreed that Doc didn't need to know about the whole Aunt Tiffany fiasco, he deserved to be happy and that was the least we could do for him. So after the so-called lecture by Donghyuck, I decided he could be somewhat right and gathered the courage to text Tim back. He had been helping prepare dinner with the rest of the staff, even talking to some of the residents. 

I was honest, I had been watching from afar, observing him as he blended in the crowd of people. I couldn't help but feel a tinge of happiness, I felt the more better about opening up. I waited until he was alone, only did I walk up to him with two bottles of beer I had smuggled from the staff's own cooler. The Christmas pre-party was held out in the orchard with a bonfire and sing-alongs. When I handed him the beer, he arched his eyebrows. "It's five percent alcohol, we're not gonna get drunk I swear. Plus, it's apple cider flavour."

He grinned at me, "I don't think I need to learn about alcoholic beverages from you, Mark Lee." he remarked as we strolled further away from the bonfire. As the party faded away, the atmosphere only left us two to the silence of the night. Honestly I wished the beer made me drunk for I was worried if I would stop and chicken out half way. 

"So, uh, what were you guys talking about? You seemed to be enjoying yourself." I said awkwardly.

He shrugged, "Eh, lots of stuff. Nothing in particular, but I did tell them how nice and peaceful it is here compared to all the crap that happend everyday outside the grounds. I don't know, there's this weird feeling of being stuck-"

"-in time here?" I finished his sentence because I knew where he was going with this, I wasn't surprised how fast Tim had caught on to the feeling beyond what was shown - he viewed the world in a lot of ways I did. "Yeah, I always thought that too. I spent almost a year here and yet it always seemed like I arrived the day before, I'd forget which day it was and not bother to ask later on. It didn't matter so as long I wasn't declared 'clean' by the doctors anyway." I chuckled.

Tim was quiet as he sipped on his beer, "On second thought I really shouldn't be romanticising this whole thing and act like it's poetic when you must've had it rough with everything that had been going on."

"No it's fine, I liked it here even when my life was a mess - this place gave some order to it. Honestly I don't think I would've gotten better if I didn't come here, I owe this place my life." I answered as my eyes lingered on the snow-coated pavements. 

"Hey, I'm sorry I acted out the way I did this morning, " he suddenly apologized. "After some thought it was obvious you messed up your words and you didn't mean what you said, I should've known you may find it uncomfortable to talk about this since you weren't in a good place when this happened-"

"No! Not at all!" I stared at him, and he clearly didn't expect me to give such a response. I my lips, "I was being an idiot because I was trying to make it like it wasn't a big deal, that I'm dealing with a mental illness and it doesn't affect me." 

He frowned, "Okay, but why?"

I put down my beer, "I..." I swallowed and looked up. "Tim, you remember I used to date a girl and it didn't end very well even though I tried to make it work?"

He nodded, "Yeah but I don't see any correlation to this and you're changing the topic-"

"-because," I continued. "Because I was scared that our relationship wouldn't work if she knew more about my mental illness, then she'll end up becoming some sort of nurse to me rather than my girlfriend. She knew I was healed, mostly I guess, but mental illness doesn't just fade away like the cold. My anxiety does get riled up from time to time and I do need medications for it, and I didn't want her knowing that. But I ended up ruining that relationship because I was doing things that could have hurt me in return."

I glanced at Tim, who was now looking attentively at me. His eyes had softened and his hand was only inches away from mine. "And I don't want to be afraid anymore, I'm tired of cluttering all my problems in my head and act like I'm fine all the time when I'm not. Most of all, I don't want to ruin this."

"What is 'this' then, Mark?" he asked back, his eyes were searching for an answer. But once again I had no words to say. He sighed half-heartedly and despite it all he nodded, "It's okay, you don't have to answer that. I said we'll figure it out in time, so we'll do just that. Until you figure out what is it you really want, you don't have to give me an answer." and he got up to go back in.

What was it that I wanted? There were so many things I wanted in that moment, in that second but I didn't know how to express them all. I wanted the world to make sense to me, I wanted to know if I should be hung up on the past or accept the fact that Aunt Tiffany made a mistake despite how it caused everything to spiral. I wanted to be open with what I felt when I stumble on my words whenever I try to say them out loud, I wanted to be easier to tell someone without holding back when I wasn't okay. I didn't want to have the need to write and craft sentences before saying them, I was tired of it. 

I was tired of running from my past as if it was the plague, the reason why Riley walked away - all because I was too busy caring about what had happened rather than what could be. I found love but it failed to last no matter how hard I tried to salvage it. So what was is it that I truly wanted? I looked at Tim who was walking away, and in that second I blurted out exactly what I wanted. I wanted to say-

"I love you!" I said with every nerve in my body, and Timothy Armor stopped to turn around. His expression bleak as his eyes blinked to register what he heard me utter. So I got up and walked to him, that ambiguous weight against my chest somehow lifted. "From the start all I wanted was to say I love you, and when I didn't I hated myself for not being able to say it. And maybe it's too much to ask and my expectations are too high, I probably don't deserve any more second chances from you but...I love you and I mean it."

"Remember when we first met on the first day of college and you dragged me out for dinner with our friends and then when you went on stage in that bar to recite that poem, your last line was-"

He chuckled, "'We're Jewish, we don't celebrate Christmas.'"

"-and I stood up without any hesitations, because everything you said sounded amazing. I thought I fell in love with your poetry, but I never realized it was you that I fell for. I fell in love with you like...like when we fall asleep - slowly and all at once. Everyone else seemed to realize I was falling in love with you, everyone except me. And all I want now, more than anything, is for love that'll last and I should know that you, more than any other person would love me right back. Right now all I want..." I looked at him, my fingers teetering on his shirt. 

"Yeah, all you want?" he whispered but he was smiling.

I let out a shaky breath, "I really want to kiss you right now." and he broke into a soft laugh before leaning in for a kiss. It was everything I wanted and needed wrapped like a present, othe best present on Earth. I leaned closer, my hands now cupping his face while his rested on my back. The kiss reminded me of all things good in the world, and hope and that everything was going to be okay. Like how the ocean never stops kissing the shore no matter how far it's swept away, or the breathtaking burst of colour of a sunrise welcoming better days. 

When we broke away, it almost hurt but the sting faded away as soon as he grinned. "So, uh, should we go back to the party?"

I shook my head and planted another kiss on his lips, much to his amusement. "Or we can do other things. like not joining parties for once and spend time with each other? Besides, I'd like to...have my boyfriend all to myself for tonight."

He raised his eyebrow, "I'm your boyfriend now? That escalated quickly."

I laughed, "Yep, my handsome, and wonderful boyfriend."

I wasn't sure what time we went to bed, the dazed way of how our feet managed to stumble up the stairs and into my room - all without us breaking away from kisses in between. I was even grateful Tim didn't question my change of heart, and how reluctant I was to leave his side. So when we crash-landed on the covers of the bed, it had been a tangle of sheets and clothes and space between us. 

And maybe the oxytocin in my blood had allowed my mind to venture a little too far, for I wasn't permitted to sleep in peace. Instead I dreamed, for once in a long time about my mom. 

It was the same wheatfield under twinkling stars, the same one where Timothy Armor had been standing at the edge of the cliff where the horizons stretched out to a deep blue sea in the billowing wind. But he was replaced with a woman dressed in a summer blouse and matching skirt with sunflower prints all over. My mom was standing at the edge of the cliff. The dream felt so real I found my own heartbeat thumping louder than ever. Cautiously I walked towards her and as I approached, I could see her arms were slightly outstretched and her eyes were closed - as if she was taking in everything in it pure beauty. 

"Mom?" I asked but my hands were glued firmly to my sides. 

She opened her eyes and smiled at me, a smile as brilliant as sunshine. And it hit me that I almost couldn't remember how pretty she was when she smiled, be it dream or not. "I see Tiffany took care of you well, you're the happiest I've seen in a long time." that was the first sentence she spoke. "You are happy now, right?"

"I-I am happy," I blurted, despite being thrown off by the sudden question. I knew this was a dream, but it was so tempting to ask her all my questions but I knew there would never be enough time for everything. So I jumped straight to the one that was hurting me the most. "D-did you forgive her, for what she did?" 

Strangly enough, my mom smiled and looked at the sky. "Of course I was hurt, and angry, and confused at first. But we were young and young people always make mistakes, and I believe all three of us were at fault in our own ways. He was reckless, she was blinded and I was too naive - or both of us were too naive... It took time for me to see things in a new light and to heal from it all, trust me it was hard. But as time heals people, it makes people realize their mistakes as well - and that makes people want to become better people too."

I knew she was speaking in riddles, but I didn't want her to act as some oracle now. I wanted her to tell me what to do, it didn't matter if this was all in my head or she was in fact a ghost who suddenly wanted to haunt me in my sleep. Perhaps it was both. My eyes stared at the grass under our feet, lips pursed while I felt her gaze turn to me once more. "Min Hyung, I know you feel hurt - but unlike me, you still have time to spend. And unlike me, you still have life to spend."

I sighed, "Then tell me what to do?"

I closed my eyes, but I could feel her touch my cheek. It was barely a carress but it was comforting enough for me when she spoke again, and possibly for one last time. 

"Life is too short, and if you spend so much of it with hate - how much do you have left of it to love?"

When I woke, I realized I was in Tim's embrace, his slender arms draped over me for God knows how long. Groaning, I stretched a little and reached for my phone. It was six in the morning and the room was almost pitch black, slowly the odd dream came back in memory. I still wondered if it really was my mom's ghost, or just my head messing with me. Despite it all, for once I felt at ease with all this mess. It was like I had been driving through a fog with one headlight and even though the fog still hadn't lifted, it was as if the other headlight of the car relighted. The fog was still a mess, but it was a manageable mess. I scrolled through the list of contacts on my phone, until the one I had been ignoring the most - the one I once considered deleting.

Slowly I got up, careful not to wake Tim before tiptoeing out the room and down to the living room area that was deserted this early in the morning. Hastily, I typed away - carefully considering and editing the text from 'Hi and I know this is awkward' to 'You and I both know we've been avoiding each other' again and again, after every attempt to write the best way to convey my thoughts. Near the end, I decided that if I wanted to set things straight I needed it to be clear and raw and honest. My thumb lingered above the 'SEND' button for a brief moment before I pressed it, and I slouched on the sofa, releasing a sigh. 

You did it, you finally did it. 

I crept back upstrairs and into the room again, where Tim was still fast asleep. I stripped off my shirt again and snuggled under the sheets once more, but this time I wasn't quiet enough. Timothy yawned and addressed me, "You're up early, what time is it?" he mumbled grogily.

I turned to face him, "Too early to be up anyway, if that's what you're asking." 

"Mm," he mumbled half-asleep. "You okay? You don't usually wake up at six unless something woke you up."

Even when you're sleeping you still know, I thought in adoration. He shared a room with me long enough to know my sleeping patterns, and his instincts were somewhat elevated after he knew more about me. Right then at that moment where I was at ease for so long, I wanted to tell him how much of him made me feel safe and to tell him what I had finally done - that I took the advice he gave many weeks ago. 

Instead I planted a kiss on his half-parted lips, "I'll tell you all about it when it's time to actually wake up." 

When Aunt Tiffany appeared in front of Larson House in her car with Misha, I felt almost relieved she made it. With the tension between us, I had thought she wouldn't want to come and I had to spend Christmas in guilt. But judging by how she had avoided me throughout the day, even when she was zipping in and out of the kitchen, up and down the stairs, she simply managed to steer clear of me. I wondered if she was too ashamed to see me, or hurt by me - I suspected it to be a bit of both. 

By night the preparations for the Eve bonfire had begun and Larson House had turned into a holiday inn of sorts. A traditional Christmas buffet had been prepared and was now arranged on tables in the backyard where it was easy access to everyone, people sat by the bonfire and chatted away. Of course the ones who dealt with eating disorders were observed from afar by the staff, Doc already weighed in the precautions long ago and had made sure everything was safe. When it came to patients Doc was never careless. I had been eyeing Aunt Tiffany ever since the evening, and waited until she was left relatively alone. I followed her into the kitchen, where she had Misha propped into a baby chair to feed. Despite only being born a few weeks ago, Misha seemed to be making herself really comfortable by making a mess of her own food. Milk smudged and bib, much to Aunt Tiffany's exasperation. "Misha, that was the third time already-" 

"Need some help?" I cleared my throat as I leaned my weight against the doorway. Aunt Tiffany simply stared at me in silence, it was obvious she didn't expect me to offer help - much less talk to her. I cleared my throat again, "Because it looks like you could use some. I can make fill her bottle again if you already have milk stashed." 

She registered my question, "Y-yeah sure, it's in the freezer, you take one packet out and heat it up." she answered and started to wipe off the stains on Misha's mouth with a handkerchief. I did as she told, swiftly pouring out the milk from one of the ten packets, at least, and heated it in the microwave. I whistled, "You sure came prepared, people would think you actually live here with how much of baby formula and milk you brought."

She shrugged and shook her head, "I'm used to her being a troublemaker at home, and she looooves making her mommy suffer when it's feeding time. Don't you, baby?" she cooed at Misha. I couldn't help but laugh. 

"Isn't that what babies do? Exist to make your life a living hell?" I remarked as I handed her the milk bottle.

"Kids for that matter," she agreed. "Kids aim to make life a living hell, but I guess it's worth it in the end."

I nodded, "Then it won't be much of a problem anyway when she gets older, you had enough experience with me at least."

But at that remark she became silent again while she fed Misha, who somehow miraculously started to eat obediently without fidgeting. As if she knew we needed some peace and quiet for the conversation. I bit the inside of my cheek in all ensuing awkwardness, I had come here for a reason and I wasn't going to backtrack on it. Finally I broke the silence again, "Listen Aunt Tiffany, I've done some thinking these last few days." I said.

"Mm-hm, what things?" she asked without looking away from Misha. 

I scratched my head, "Lots of things actually, but a lot of it was what you told me." I could feel the tension building up again, and I needed to dissolve it before the walls blocked any form of connection again. "And I think I know how I feel about it now."

She pursed her lips, her eyes solemn as if she was about to be sentenced to some form of punishment - as if she had been waiting and expecting me to finally break it and say that her deed was unforgiveable. Leaning against the wall again, I felt like a judge who had no right to do so. "I thought about it - and turns out, I don't think it truly matters and you shouldn't think that it was all your fault."

Then she stared and slowly nodded for me to keep going, so I did. "Sure you made a mistake, and maybe it was a stupid mistake. But people make mistakes, and rarely are people willing to make up for those mistakes. And for all these years you've spent on me with every single thing you could give, it's more than enough."

Slowly the corners of curved up into a smile, "I don't think this is necessary but if you really want to hear it, I forgive you for whatever you did in the past." I told her before smirking. "And I'm also sorry for making your life a living hell too as a kid."

Finally she laughed and nodded in return, "Apology accepted, Mark." 

And just as she said it, a familiar hand rested on my shoulder. "Hey, I didn't see you outisde and I thought I'd find you here." Tim said after flashing a smile at Aunt Tiffany. His eyes searched mine before asking, "Everything okay?" He already knew about the whole issue since I had told him the second we woke up that morning, I highly suspected he had been lurking about and had waited just so he could drop by at the right moment. I simply nodded and hummed, as he leaned forward and pressed a kiss on my temple. "I'll see you outside when you're done."

"Mm-hmm..." I grinned as he drifted away again. When I turned to look at Aunt Tiffany again, was gaping slightly open as she registered what she saw. It slowly turned into a giddy smile, her eyes demanding answers. 

"Mark," she said. "Is there something you want to tell me?"

I shrugged nonchalantly, "I suppose you can tell Tim and I aren't just roommates anymore."

"I definitely can."

"And it turns out I wanted to be more than his friend." and butterflies were in my stomach when I said it. 

"Okay..." she nodded eagerly. 

"So...I asked him to be my boyfriend,"

She was smiling like a maniac, "And?"

"And I guess he said yes."

When I rejoined the bonfire party outside, Tim was occupied chatting with other people. He spotted me at the corner of his eyes, but I waved at him to continue chatting. To my left was Donghyuck standing against a tree, in the midst of ending a call. So I grabbed two mugs of eggnog and walked over to him. 

"Felix?" I querried as I offered him a mug. 

He nodded before taking a sip, "Yeah, says he'll mail my Christmas present," then he snorted. "Bet it's one of those ugly Christmas sweaters his old grandma makes, he couldn't stop raving about her to me when he was here."

"Don't be such an , I think that's cute."

"I never said it wasn't." and he couldn't keep down his smirk. "I'm getting you and Aunt Tiffany have things settled."

"Eh," I swriled the remnant of eggnog in my mug. "More or less, there wasn't much to settle anyway. But we're good."

"Good to know." 

We stared up to the sky where the snow began to fall, and it was almost time for the countdown to New Year's Eve. I knew I had to tell Donghyuck one way or another, I was stalling for no reason. "I texted Robert Lautner this morning." I blurted. 

He was taken by surprise, "You did?"

I nodded, "I said maybe we should meet up after Christmas, have a talk about...I guess everything? That chapter of the story has to end at some point right?"

"As all stories should." Donghyuck replied, with the same metaphorical tone like mine.

I narrowed my eyes, "Who are you and what have you done to Lee Donghyuck?" 

He shoved my playfully, "Jokes aside, I'm proud of you Mark Lee. Look at you, you managed to step out of your doomed cloud of misery, seeking to resolve your daddy issues and -" he looked over to Timothy. "-you managed to get yourself a cute boyfriend. You're pretty much living your best life now."

I had to smile and shrugged, "I'm not sure about 'best' though, not really," and with one deep intake of the frosty air of the moonlit night, I was in touch with all my senses and feelings. No agitation, or stress, or even an ounce of feeling not right. The peace was all encompassing, centred and true. "The thing is, I don't know how long this will last or how much could change first thing tomorrow but..."

Donghyuck raised an eyebrow, "But?"

Smirking, I looped my hand around his neck. "But life seems pretty good now, and it's as happy as I can be." and I dragged him towards the crowd who were hollering at the top of their lungs, creating a clammering symphony of laughter and hope for more better days to come.

-THE END -