Even when I went to check at 2 in the morning, Doc was still at his study.

I could make out his silhouette from outside the room, illuminated by the light of his lamp desk. I peeked a little, he had his glasses on as he went through the files he had brought home. It must have been about Larson House, that was the only thing that would keep him from rest. Larson House meant a lot to him, he had dedicated most of his career to make that place come true. They said passion fuels purpose, and that passion must had been deeply rooted in Doc ever since he was a kid. He had saved up his money, as he got older he tried searching for funds to build a place - an escape for troubled teens from their problems. That was the only way they could really recover in peace - at least, that was Doc's belief.

And it was highly possibly that he was right, because Larson House was never short of patients (I wasn't sure if that was the best way to prove its excellence). With every kid leaving the door open, another one steps in to take their place. That was just how the cycle worked, some stayed longer and some just up and dusted like their stay was nothing. But even if all that happened, no one really noticed it but me, how Larson House made it feel like once someone entered that place, that meant they would be temporarily erasing their existence from the outside world. 

To everyone, it was temporary. But to me it felt like an eternity.

It wasn't bad in any way, I genuinely felt at peace there. I dared to say, if it wasn't for Doc I wasn't sure if I would turn out as alright as I was now. It was peculiar, how his world and mine collided so sudden and so fast. Everything had happened in a flash, how much of a coincidence it had been when I crashed into him and he had saved me from an oblivion. Most of the parts were fuzzy since I wasn't very right in the mind to begin with and Doc had refused to bring any of it up to me, and I had respected his choice. Some things were better left forgotten since I had no interest on how I ended up being fine now. 

His head perked up as I knocked, "Donghyuck?" he frowned. "I didn't think you'd be up this late."

I shrugged, "I couldn't sleep, and as I predicted - you're here still working your off when you should be in bed with Aunt Tiffany. You shouldn't do that, or else your pregnant wife will think you're outside having an affair. So thank me later when you can use me as a witness when she questions you." and I winked.

He couldn't help but chuckle, "I guess I should thank you, then. But not that much on the language part." he reminded me, but I knew he wasn't really mad at me. Then he sighed, "There's still so much more to do, how can I sleep with all this in need of me? There's the Secret Santa plans, the funds for the grill, bills..."

I picked up a random letter, something about sponsors for the gift purchases. The grand amount for the cost was unbelievably high, considering that it was to make a few mentally ill kids happy. And the presents weren't cheap either, I recall never getting disappointed at my gifts each year. The first gift of mine was from him personally, which was an mp3 player. I still had it, and used it even though I already had a phone for convenience. 

I whistled, "This year's plans seem more hectic, now I'm getting kind of jealous that I've left the place with all the real fun happening now. Jesus Christ, you're inviting Santa Claus and Rudolph over? Now that just makes me mad." I joked. "Hmm, looks like you could need some help. Can I have my old room back if it's available when I follow you back?"

He raised his eyebrows, "You want to come over this year?"

I nodded as if it was nothing, "Of course I do, anyone that I know still there? Miles? Yura?"

"Miles was discharged a few months ago and Yura too, last year if I'm not mistaken. But Channi's making progress after so long, which is good news for her folks - they've been hopeful fot the past two years." he said. I remembered Channi, the girl who had to be dragged into the house by the nurses. She had tried to commit suicide three times before, something about her abusive boyfriend that coaxed her into getting plastic surgery - and the results weren't what she had hoped for. It was the opposite of what a doctor should say. 

She let heartbreak ruin her life.

"The way you say 'discharge' is as if they're leaving hospital or something when they're literally ending their vacation here." I continued. "But yeah, I'd like to talk to her again. She deserves a better guy to talk to and start over with, it's a shame that I'm gay." I smirked.

Doc grinned, "And to think you were scared at how I would take that fact about you. I'd like to remind you again, Donghyuck, that uality doesn't have much connection to psychology - and that doesn't matter. I'm sure you didn't come to see me just for small talk, right?" He knew exactly what I was thinking.

I my dry lips and looked at the time, "I know this is crazy but...is it too late to grab a drink outside?" 

At first he looked at me as if I had lost my mind, maybe I had again. But the difference was, I was completely aware of myself being unreasonable. 

Miraculously after a long pause, Doc took off his glasses. "Wait downstairs while I grab my coat." 

"I thought you weren't the life of the party, Mark?" Lucas playfully pushed me. For a Christmas party, he was dressed fairly formal. A velvet red jacket and a Santa-themed cap to make it extra festive, and Somi had a y 'Santa-Baby' costume on, I wasn't sure where to look. 

Now, don't get me a started on the whole 'book nerds don't know how to have fun' trope. For the record, excluding me, Lucas was the wildcard when it came to crashing parties. He would put on his best clothes, impress the crowd and call it a night. Then there was Timothy Armor, who lived by the words 'the night's still young'. From the glimpses of his spontaneous runway in our room, his wardrobe ranged from a Rocketman inspired blazer, Freddie Mercury's iconic yellow jacket to a cosplay of James Dean - he was the life of the party. From coming back drunk to smoking his lungs to death, he always made me think of the aftermath of an abandoned party. I just wished he didn't wreck himself like that.

Why did I even care that much?

I shrugged, "I thought long and hard and figured 'why not?' since we're heading back soon for the holidays."

Nancy eyed me, "By 'long and hard', I'd think you'd dress up a bit than just wear a hoodie and some jeans."

I ignored her comment, "Have any of you seen Tim? Shouldn't he be with you guys?"

Ily rolled her eyes, "He usually breaks away from us and into the crowd, like a shadow. Who knows what he's up to? Probably mauling someone at the back or something."

Then Caleb stopped drinking his eggnog, "But wasn't he waiting for someone at the parking lot earlier?"

I spun around, "W-what?" He was waiting for someone?

Somi nodded, "Yeah, then I saw him bring some guy into the house. Probably the person he was waiting for. Oh!" she chimed. "Could it be his new boyfriend? I don't think we ever saw Tim in a serious relationship with anyone."

It was odd I could feel my skin prickling, and so I cleared my throat. "So, any idea where he is now?"

No one answered, then the situation got awkward. I nodded, "Right, um, I need to go to the bathroom." But as I was walking away, I swear I had heard someone say, "Is the bathroom always his excuse for retreat?". Nonetheless, I kept walking. Don't get me wrong, they were great friends of mine but somehow I didn't want them getting any ideas. You know when friends know a little too much about your life and they start hyping you up for no apparent reason? Yeah, exactly.

The party inside was a wild crowd in the middle of a game of charades while a Christmas movie was still on the TV. Instead of beer (I still didn't understand how the caretaker never caught them in the act), they were getting drunk on eggnog which I highly suspected had some alcohol in its mix. Some random person had somehow draped their arm arond my shoulder and shouted something into my ear, but my eyes were fixated at a distance. Across the room, I saw someone I never would have expected to be there - at a college party. 

Alex, college-dropout-turned-tattoo-artist Alex was here at the party. 

He was talking to someone but that other person was blocked by the wall to the other room. He was throwing his head back, laughing until he was whisked away by his arm. He disappeared behind the wall. My legs were leading the way, ignoring whoever was talking to me. My body navigated through the crowd of people, and that moment felt vaguely similar to the one in my dream where I was navigating the wheatfield. My instincts stopped when my feet took me upstairs, where it was less hectic with a couple or two making out in the hallway, I could hear someone puking in the bathroom as I passed it. 

I wasn't sure why I found it insufferable, and got so tired of love songs. It could have been jealousy, or disgust, or both. 

The room at the end of the hallway oddly piqued my interest, I had an urge to open it. Wearily, I approached it and soon my hands were on the knob. It felt wrong, what if I stumbled upon something that would scar me for life? Because let's be real, what if it wasn't something I didn't want to see? What if I saw Alex with him? Would it do anything to my heart?

I snapped out of it. I was being ridiculous, and scoffed out loud, "What the hell, Mark Lee?" I said to myself before opening the door. 

*Donghyuck's POV*

Doc suggested that we walked, since according to him the 'weather wasn't that cold yet'.

"So, I'm sure you didn't ask me out for coffee in the middle of the night for no reason." Doc said as we strolled down the sidewalk. "I'm all ear, talk and I'll listen."

I sighed, "I couldn't sleep, because I had a dream and when I woke up - it left a bad taste in my mouth. It was my mom."

And he stopped walking, turned and looked at me straight in the eye with a worried stare. "How long has this been going on? Are you having any hallucinations-"

"The past few days, and no - it hasn't affected me while I was awake so chill. And I'm very well aware that it's just a dream, a dream that I think I designed myself. In the dreams, my mom talked to me."

Doc sighed, "Donghyuck, I told you. You shouldn't be doing this, or you'll get carried away-"

"And I'm not, because the way she talked - the person was my mom, but the person talking wasn't. I was the one talking." I answered. He was frowning, utterly confused at my statement. I took a deep breath and continued walking as I talked. "I may not have science to back me up, but I have this theory that my brain somehow fabricated a better version of her, the type of mom that could help me answer my questions. And that smarter, logical part of me started to question me by itself."

"And why do you think that way, Donghyuck?" Doc raised an eyebrow. 

I looked at him, "Because I messed up, big time, in making decisions. So now that smarter part of my brain wants to slap me back into reality and make me realize that I'm being stupid and immature. It wants me to reflect on my choices, and now I am - by confessing them to you."

He looked at me, long and hard. "So do you have anything else you need to say to me, Donghyuck?"

"Yes, I was being stupid and immature when I said I'd fly all the way to Sydney just to be with Felix. Trust me, he never told me to and I was the one ready to take the whole fall. I thought I didn't mind crashing down and regretting my life choices, and then I remembered that as much as I'm young and reckless - someone else picked up my pieces and pieced them back together, so I'm not the only one who has a say in what I do with my life. I should have listened to you."

Doc stared at me, with the same soft gaze whenever I was being to hard on myself. "Buddy, it doesn't matter what I think. And you're not wrong when you say you should have the right to make your own choices, and you don't have to oblige to my opinions. I just think I know what's better for you, but that doesn't mean they're true either."

"But you're right, and I was being foolish for that part. I guess the saying stays true huh? That 'love blinds people' sometimes. I'm sorry, Doc, I almost threw away my chance to repent."

And out of nowhere,he came in for a hug - on the sidewalk in the middle of the night. It was awkward at first, but slowly I hugged him back when I recalled all that he ever did for me and now I was acknowledging all that so...a simple hug was the least I could do.

When we broke away, Doc looked at me as he patted my shoulder. "You got this, buddy. By the way, why did you say almost threw away your chance to repent?"

Then I returned to my original banter whenever I was with him, I smirked. "You'll see soon enough, when we get coffee."

I wasn't sure what I had to feel.

When I stumbled into the room, my eyes had to adjust to the sudden dimness - and I wanted the adjusment to take longer. The silhouette of the two people in the room, leaning near the bed inside the room that smelled of essential oils. In the fog of fragrances and all, stood Alex and Timothy Armor - making out.

He was wearing a white button down, I could almost make out the lipstick stains on it, because even if he only liked guys, he never minded getting scandalous with girls either. A few days after I first met him, when I had discovered that he was gay, that was when he came stumbling back to our dorm with a girl around his arm. "You're his roommate, right?" she had asked me, half-drunken. 

It was my first encounter with that situation, "Y-yes. I get that he's drunk?"

She had groaned, "After he had too much to drink, you can say that. Anyway, you better carry him inside since I'm not really supposed to be here this late. Tell him to call me tomorrow like he promised, bye." and she left the two of us to our room. And as she left, Tim had started to stir as I dragged him in. He was even laughing. 

"Sorry to wake you up, I had to convince her that I was completely passed out. Though she wasn't wrong when she said I had a bit too much to drink." he winked. 

"What are roommates for?" I said awkwardly. "So I thought you were, uh, gay? Didn't think you'd like girls too."

He rolled his eyes, " I am gay, Lee. But then again, I never said no to going out with girls, makes the odds of finding more attractive guys higher than just in theatre." and he had grinned as he crashed onto his bed. "I had my heart broken by a theatre guy, by the way. He made me believe in love too much with all his lines from his musicals, I didn't understand why he didn't feel the blow as much as I did, and I do now." he had seemed to be conducting a monologue and not so much talking to me. Still, I had been listening to his every word. "And what makes you think so, Armor?"

"Being the heartbreaker doesn't hurt as much as being the one getting their heart broken." 

And now it somehow served as a foreshadowing to me, for he was being the heartbreaker now. His hands were tangled in Alex's hair, they were kissing so ferociously I felt like vomitting. I could only stand there, frozen and numb and somehow unable to retreat from the room until they both noticed my presence. They broke away a little, but it was due to surprise - especially Tim, his fingers were still tangled in Alex's hair. He saw me, but he wasn't doing anything different. He just looked at me as if he was saying, "You're too late." 

Maybe I was. 

I cleared my throat, "I-I..." but I couldn't bring myself to say anything, so I swallowed a lump in my throat. My eyes went to Tim, trying to find some trace of his real thoughts from his gaze. He looked away before I could do anything.

Everything that happened thereafter was a blur the second I closed the door from behind me, I walked through the hallway, down the stairs, and out the house. If someone had called out my name, I didn't hear it because I was concentrated on the image playing through my head over and over again. And by the time I reached our room, it had transitioned to the possible aftermath of that - waves of uneasiness had hit me. Bu as much as I wanted to be upset, I didn't think I had a right to be. I missed the chance.

It was two in the morning when he came, and I wasn't asleep yet. He thought I was, since I had turned off the lights as I waited in the dark. The familiar scent of booze shot in the air, his orchid perfume and cigarette smoke lingered just like his presence in my mind. His eyes looked to me, but not at all surprised by the fact I wasn't asleep yet. When he closed the door, his face turned away. Still, he spoke. "Is this because of what happened at the party? Is this because of me?"

I blinked and stared at my hands, "What about it? What are you talking about?"

At a side of my eye, I saw Tim leaning against the door without looking at me. "You know what I'm talking about, don't act like you went to the party for no apparent reason."

"You making out with some guy at a party is none of my business."

"But you seem to be acting like it is!" he snapped. "The way you're talking to me now says it all."

"Okay, why?" I asked him. "Why out of all people, it was him? Do you even like that guy?"

"Why do you care?" he replied. "It's not like it would change anything between you and me!"

I stared, "What about it?"

"Are you trying to make me bring it up again?" he demanded. "I get it that we'll never happen, and I'm tired of waiting for something that will never happen. I'm trying to let go since the pain of it all hasn't stopped one bit!"

"So is it working? You moving on?"

There was a moment of silence. "It's easier said than done, I suppose. I'll be honest, no matter how hard I try pushing myself away, how many times I say to myself I don't want it - I just keep coming back to you. I hate myself for it." his face was turning red. He was ashamed that he told me this, despite knowing it'd show how pointless this was going to be. 

No, I was the one that should be ashamed. I was done playing this game of hide and seek.

He sighed, "You know what? It's been a long night, we should get some sleep-"

"No, we're going to settle this once and for all. All this dragging is because of me being a pathetic fool and liar. Remember when I said that kiss didn't work out?"

"Why are you bringing this up-"

"I lied." and that made his eyes lit up, in confusion and somewhat surprise. I was really doing this and there was no going back. I my lips, "I couldn't understand what I felt, and it scared me so I stopped thinking about it again. And I was wrong for doing so because it made you wait for no reply. And now I can say that, yes, I did feel something that day and it was nothing bad."

He eyed me cautiously from a distance as he had to digest all this so fast. "W-why are you telling me this now?"

"Because...I'm asking for a second chance from you. And not as a friend, I'm trying to be more than that." I announced, my hands were slightly shaking. "Please, Tim..."

I thought I'd be rejected, it wouldn't be a surprise since I practically didn't deserve a second chance because I might have broke his heart more times than I knew. But his eyes softened, his Cupid bow lips slightly parted as if words were trying to escape. 

He looked down, "This might make me look desperate, but yes - no matter how many chances you ask for, as long it's you asking for it, I'll always say yes."