I had left Larson House the exact same way since the last time I had visited, around a year ago. The windows frosted to the core, the lawns were carpeted in white and the whole house was out of place in a landscape of forest. As much as it served a depressing role for mentally ill kids, it felt like an escape to everyone from reality. A place where time slowed down, a haven of whim and near-fantasy. As the car started to slow down, I glanced at Tim for a moment after waking up. As expected he was almost taken aback by it all, the exact same face I had when I had first arrived here. 

"So this was the place you talked about huh?" he whistled. "Gotta give it to you, it looks pretty cool. Kinda like something you'd find in a movie." he said, amused. 

I shrugged, "But instead of magical wizards, you get a bunch of kids with mental problems. Not the best choice for a movie, I'd say, " and I turned around. "Are you okay with..you know - being with a bunch of...Doc and us are used to it and you never know, sometimes it can get pretty ugly..." I struggled to put my words together.

Tim frowned, "Mark, what are you talking about?"

I scratched my head, "I mean I'm just concerned whether you'd be comfortable with it all, like last year someone tried to hurl in the bathroom and someone else stole some pills from the clinic - it's not your typical Christmas dinner, that's all I'm trying to say." I shrugged. "I understand if you'd get freaked out by it all." What do you even mean Mark? 

Then his face worsened from the frown, he looked me in the eye. "Mark, they're people not malfunctioning robots. And I'm sure none of them asked to have...whatever they're dealing with. I thought you'd know better considering you have been through what they did, you're the last person I'd think to say like this."

"T-that's not what I meant," I stuttered, then I figured I'd make things worse if I tried redeeming myself so I sighed. "Just...forget what I said, I'm an idiot."

Tim raised an eyebrow, he didn't seem convinced. "Yeah like that explains anything, Mark Lee. Good job." and he walked over to Donghyuck who was unloading the gifts. As they walked up the stairs, I didn't notice Doc sneaking up right next to me. 

"Hey uh," he hesitated. "I know there's something going on between you and your aunt and it shouldn't be any of my business, but I have to say that nothing is too big of a problem if it's between family."

"Doc, I'm really not in the mood for this," I nearly snapped. "Neither do I want to talk about Aunt Tiffany with you at the moment,and I'm saying sorry in advance if this is ruining the holiday mood for you." 

I was trying to avoid telling him the whole story at all costs, because he didn't need to know about something that had no effect on his present life. And if I did end up spilling the truth, I might risk our whole house falling apart - and I didn't want that to happen at all. Then I'd be the bad guy. As for the mess with Tim, it was as if a whole other force had taken over my mind and I started blurting stupid things that came out differently than the way I wanted to convey them. When everything was working out, I had to screw it up. 

"Mark, this isn't about ruining the holidays for me," Doc answered attentively, he didn't seem to be mad. "You don't have to tell me everything if you don't want to, but if you keep everything bottled up inside again - you'll end up ruining your holiday mood." and he walked into the house.

There was no saving it, my holiday mood ended the moment things went downhill with Aunt Tiffany. Frustrated, I stood alone outside the house - somehow unable to walk in after saying so many wrong things and making me look like a complete . My phone buzzed in response, hopeful for it to be Tim and only to be disappointed when it was Donghyuck from inside. 

From Donghyuck: Meet me outside at 3, same place as usual. Don't tell anyone cuz I'm planning on murdering you in the woods and dumping you into the lake.

I rolled my eyes but smriked, at least there was some humour left to laugh about.

*6 months ago*

I jogged down the bricked path, the night was cold to the bone. From afar, I could see Riley sitting on the bench under a lamp post. It was nearing midnight, it wasn't like her to ask to meet at such a time. But ever since we graduated high school her parents were more off her radar, and that meant they didn't mind her leaving the house later than ten o'clock. 

But in typical Riley Andrews fashion, there had to be a very relevant reason for her to ask me out this late - and it was rarely about something good. 

"H-hey," I said as I approached her, hands in my pockets. She looked up, and she did not look very happy either (as she always did when we met up lately, so I didn't think I needed to question her about that). "So what's up? This must be really important for you to call me outside this late, so what is it? Did anyone die?" I tried cracking a joke.

She sighed and looked down at the pavement, "Where were you yesterday when you cancelled our date?" 

I sighed back in return, "Riley, I told you I was with some of my friends-"

"No, where were you really?" she pressed on. "Don't try to lie this time."

I was silent, I couldn't look at her. "Look I'm sorry I lied to you, Riles. I was just really busy with stuff, it won't happen again-"

"Why is it so hard for you to tell me that you had an apointment?" she cut in, her tone clearly hurt. "With your counselor?"

I stared at her, "H-how did you..."

She crossed her arms, "I dropped by yesterday to hand your aunt the cookies my mom made, and your aunt and I talked. She thought I knew about this, she thought you told me," her voice quivered a little. "Even an outsider trusts me more than you do."

"Trust you to?"

"I don't know, maybe trust me to be fine by being honest?" she continued. "Sometimes I just don't understand you, Mark, maybe lesser everyday."

I sighed, "Riley, what are you saying?" It was suffocating when we were going around bushes, implying things we were too afraid to say. 

"Maybe the time you refused to take your medication? Or skipped some of your appointments without Doc knowing? You should have told me about all this."

I shook my head, "For what? For you tell Doc afterwards? I don't want you to get worried about me, Riley. You're my girlfriend, not my caretaker - and I don't need you to be one either."

She stared back at me, "You still don't understand, do you?" she stood up. "For all the times you did these things, it was for me. I don't want you to hurt yourself for me, Mark. I'm serious!"

"I'm FINE, okay? So I skipped once or twice, so what?" I told her, my heart pounding. "I'm standing here all normal, right? There's nothing to worry about." my hand reached out for hers.

She didn't hold mine back, like we always did. "No, Mark, it's not okay. And needing medication doesn't mean you're 'not normal', is that how you see Donghyuck?" she asked, exasperated. 

"No, no!" I said immediately. "That's not what I meant."

"Is that how you see yourself?" 

I wanted to answer, but somehow I couldn't bring myself to. And just like that, we stood there in an uncomfortable silence. I longed to conjure up some kind of better reason to debunk her claim, that I never thought about that - but even I was second-guessing myself. I said nothing. 

I only wanted to prove that I really was better, after so long - I wanted to be free. The one time I didn't reach for the bottle of pills from the counter or in the drawer, and nothing bad happened - I felt like I had achieved something. It felt like a sense of rebellion to be no longer confined to something to have yourself under control, it felt good. 

"I just...wanted to be better," I finally answered. "I wanted to prove that I was cured for good, and you no longer needed to worry whether I had my problem under control. I wanted us to be like every other couple."

I made it worse the moment she started crying while she shook her head, "You're doing the exact opposite of not letting me worry, Mark. You don't have to prove yourself of anything, because there's nothing wrong with you! Having a mental illness isn't some flaw, it's part of who you are!"

"And I don't like that part of me!" I snapped back. "I don't regret meeting Donghyuck, or Doc - it's about having to constantly remind myself that I'll have to deal with it for the rest of my life, Riley. I don't want it to affect you either."

Then she stopped crying and wiped her tears as she hugged herself, "It's me..." she mumbled. "God...because you think I'd...No, this isn't right."

I walked closer to her, "What isn't right?"

"Us," she answered without skipping a beat. "Us being together, isn't right."

My heart was thumping so loud it could be audible at that moment in the park, "Wait, no, why are you saying this?" I held her by the shoulder because she was breaking down again.

"You can't be with someone who makes you feel inferior or any less," she sniffled. "But as long as you're with me you'll continue to hurt yourself, because you don't trust me to love you as you are. I don't want that, Mark." and she broke away from me. 

"Riley, please wait!" I tried running after her, but even if I did there was no point. I had the sickening feeling coming back.

That was the begining of the end.

"So let me get this straight," Donghyuck said as he kicked the stone in our way. "Aunt Tiffany was your dad's ex that he cheated with behind your mom's back?" 

"Yeah,"

"And your mom found out and left, while being pregnant with you?"

"Uh-huh,"

"But when she passed away she contacted the only person she trusted to take care of you, which was Aunt Tiffany?" 

I sighed, "I don't know man, everything just seems so..." I gave up trying to describe things. "And somehow I managed to screw up even more by acting like a in front of Tim."

He frowned, "Be specific about ''," 

"It's complicated, I somehow made it seem like I thought everyone here was crazy and I was being a jerk by saying like that. I panicked and said some weird crap."

Donghyuck paused for a moment, "So...basically you ed up?" 

"Yeah..basically I ed up." I sighed. "My mind's been a daze lately, almost nothing that comes out of my mouth makes sense anymore. I'm just confused with everything."

"Jesus, and I thought the Kardashians had enough family drama." he remarked. After walking for a while , we settled near the lake which was now frozen and right across where we sat - was the island that brought back old memories, from a point at life where the only turbelent thing was me, myself and I. Donghyuck was right, as much as life was a mess back then there wasn't much to think about but ourselves. It never occured to any of us that the walls of Larson House that seemingly kept us locked away were also our safe havens hidden from reality. 

"But enough about me, how are things with Felix?" I cleared my throat. The last I heard about Donghyuck's boyfriend, it had been weeks ago. "And I heard from Doc that you got accepted into Stanford." I broke into a smile before patting his shoulder. "Guess who's the family scholar now?"

He rolled his eyes, but I could tell he was smiling. "It's a new programme their having, so I'm the first batch they're testing out - something about 'Do continuous good grades really guarantee success or is passion?' kind of thing. It's still a testimony, so I wouldn't say I got in fair and square."

"When are you leaving for college?"

"A week after Christmas, their schedules are slightly different than the normal courses," he shrugged. "Then the house will finally have it's peace and quiet for once, it's better for Misha anyway."

"And Felix?"

"We're cool, I guess he was kinda disappointed that I'm not flying to Sydney for him..." he trailed off, as if he was recalling something but decided on not bringing it up. "But we're still making it work, video calls few times a week, I tell him about my life here and he tells me about his - he nags, a lot." and Donghyuck chuckled.

I grinned, "Oh yeah, like what?"

"'Have you taken your pills?', 'how are the appointments going?', 'am I eating vegetables and not just ramen noodles'," he rambled. "Usual stuff just to annoy me for fun."

Somehow, I really did envy Donghyuck when it came to relationships because he was much better at maintaining them. It was so easy for him to be so open about everything to Felix, and not make his schizophrenia a big deal. But wasn't it?

I let out a breath I was aware I had been holding, like every other time I had to ask the serious questions. "Donghyuck, when you told Felix about, you know, that you had schizophrenia - were you scared?"

He raised an eyebrow, "Scared about?"

"His reaction, maybe he wouldn't take it as chill? I'm sure you did think about 'what if he doesn't take it the way you hoped'? I'm sure you had doubts." 

"Well yeah, it did cross my mind when things started to get serious with him," he answered instantly. "And I told him about it on our second date, things sort of worked out from there."

"Weren't you scared?" I swallowed. "About him leaving for that reason?"

"There was that doubt I guess, but if he really was like that then walk out for all I care - chasing after someone who doesn't get real with who I am isn't worth my time anyway," he shrugged. "But since he stuck around, I'm pretty sure having a boyfriend who's on five types of medication for his mental health are the least of his problems." and he laughed. "At least you know who's being real with you once you talk about it, Mark." he looked at me as if trying to convey something else. 

"I must seem like some whiny jerk to you," I admitted. "I mean you obviously had it much worse than I do, and yet here I am - venting out my problems to you."

'I wouldn't say I have it worse, not really," he continued. "Everyone's fighting their own battle that you know nothing about, neither do I, and you're not the begining of a person's life either. In typical Mark Lee poetic fashion, you technically could be any chapter of someone else's story. The only way to know which you point you are at their life is by asking them themselves."

I raised my eyebrows, "It's weird hearing you talk in riddles, Donghyuck, get straight to the point."

"Talk," he answered. "Just talk to them, no holding back."