Pre-Epilogue

Thunder

천둥

I remember. I remember the sounds of thunder…

On that gloomy rainy morning in the middle of the year, a few days before the final exams started, Joohyun got up from bed and Soo-Young’s message was the first thing she saw. Although it was expected that they would not return alive, somehow, it still broke her heart to finally get a confirmation.

On that day, she cried and cried in her room until she could no longer produce tears. She stayed there, not wanting to be bothered, not wanting to do anything. She just lay in her bed, bundled up in her purple blanket while listening to the sound of tapping drops—the sound of rain. It did not matter that she had classes to attend; it did not matter that her finals were so close. She stayed there grieving at her loss until she finally decided to get up and run out to the bus stop where it all started for her.

There on the bus stop she sat watching the chaos of drops fall… down… down… blurring everything. All the loneliness, all the pain, all the happiness, all the confusion, all the disbelief—all muffled by the cacophony of seemingly endless rain. But if anything still ringed clear, it was nothing but the empty shell of memories—a running film cackling between frames in bold sepia. Happy, smiling faces were morphed and warped by puddles; a world of colour was dyed in grey and stripped of saturation. All these memories from the past few months, good and bad, were all let loose in replay in her head, with Joohyun trying to find some sense in all of them.

All these nostalgic memories, she could no longer look at them the same way. What used to be beautiful, innocent, sweet, joyful, and tender were now viewed through a cracked, teary lens. The fonder the memory, the more tears flowed; the brighter the laughter, the harder she cried. Isn’t it strange, how people can look back at something and feel the exact opposite? How could moments so fond and beautiful leave such a painful wound in her heart? Why were these wonderful memories suddenly stinging like antiseptic to her open cuts? How could the same cheerful laughs ring grimly like echoing thunder?

Joohyun glanced back down on the blue umbrella lying on the cold, damp bricks, still sobbing, unable to fight her rain-like tears. The rumbles resonating from the skies and her distraught thoughts were turning unbearably louder and louder, until it was all that she could hear…

There are still so many things I wanted to do with you. We just met a few months ago, but if feels like a big part of my heart has been ripped away from me… How could you? How could you leave me like this?

Just like the night Seulgi held her so tightly—when Seulgi once told her, “…Don’t disappear. I love you…,” she wanted to cry out the same thing. These girls that she treasured with all her heart—she did not want to lose them.

…Don’t disappear. Please stay...

Pre-Epilogue

Chapter 19

Candy

사탕

The paved streets were drenched. Water ran down bricks and cement; the asphalt a glossier shade of black, reflecting the flickering neon lights. A signboard stood out among the rest of the lined-up shops—one of those classic open shops that sell international sweets and snacks at a cheap price. They were really popular with the younger crowd, selling an array of items from Japan, China, Russia, South East Asia, Europe and even the Americas.

Although Joohyun had passed by this particular area near the bus stop before, it was only that day after she received Soo-Young’s message that it caught her eye. Standing under the rain with the blue umbrella protecting her little frame, she watched as three grade school kids ran out in their raincoats, each carrying transparent bags of sweets.

“Hey guys, wait up!”

The final little boy who came out the shop to catch up to his friends caught Joohyun’s eye. Running down a couple steps down to the brick road, the lad slipped on the slippery pavement, dropping his bag of goodies and spilling a few on the wet floor.

Oh no. Joohyun immediately went up to the boy to help him. She crouched down to see if he was all right and touched his tiny hands and knees to see if he had bruised them.

“It’s alright, Noona. I’m fine,” he said, getting up on his own. Joohyun picked up some of the dropped sweets and placed them back in his bag. When the boy’s adorable mono-lid eyes met hers, he frowned. “Noona, are you okay? Your eyes are red.” The boy had similar mono-lid eyes; similar innocent and caring face.

Realizing that she still looked like a total mess after crying so hard at the bus stop, she just shook her head and tried to laugh it off. “I’m all right,” she lied for the millionth time in her life. Then she examined one of the sweets the boy dropped. It was a familiar candy wrapped in brown foil—a bonbon.

“When you’re tired and having a hard time, eat it, and it will give you strength.”

Oh gosh, Seulgi... Joohyun smiled down on the candy and tried not to choke on the gripping emotion rising up , but not without another drop of tear slipping from her eye.

“Noona, are you sure you’re okay?”

Joohyun placed the bonbon in the boy’s bag before getting up to affectionately ruffle his spiky black hair. “I’m fine. Run along now. Your friends are waiting for you.”

The next few days brought in beautiful clear skies with air as pure as city air could get. Everything was dyed in bright saturated colours—dews sparkling and plants and leaves a lush green. The sun was beaming down upon the land; the birds and cicadas were chirping the brightest tunes in all their repetative resonance; and the trees were displaying their full summer glory. Yeri sighed and looked out the tinted car window, masking the view in a slightly darker film. It was the worst time to be in full black mourning clothes.

Stepping out of the car, she wanted to just stay out there in the parking lot. The weather was too nice—too nice to spend in a funeral hall. Though she had read plenty of tragic novels and stories with death and funerals, coming here to witness one herself felt absolutely different. Maybe she did not cry one bit when she bowed before on her grandfather’s memorial at the age of 6, but this time she was not sure she could even step inside that building.

“Let’s go, Yerim,” called her mom.

The funeral hall was basically a whole building that housed rooms rentable for mourning. Down the marble halls, muffled wails and cries could be heard behind heavy closed doors for every room they passed through. When they reached their destination, Yeri’s father placed a white envelope containing condolence money into the wooden box right by the door.

Kang Seulgi and Wendy Son were both assigned in the same room as requested by both families. They were both found right next to each other in the ferry just like they had always been—together. With their friendship in mind, it was only right that they would not be separated until the end. It was probably what they would have wanted as well. In that wide room, two sets of parents watched and cried over their respective child’s displayed photograph, surrounded by a wall of yellow and white chrysanthemums. Obviously, it wasn’t the most joyous of seasons, despite the beautiful weather outside.

Yeri stood by the door, watching as Seulgi’s mother bawled on the floor over the loss over her daughter. On the left side of the room beside Seulgi’s photograph was Wendy’s photograph. A middle-aged couple was also there—Mr. and Mrs. Son—dearly holding each other close. (They had flown all the way from Canada to be with their second daughter in her final moments.) A few guests who had come before Yeri’s family stopped by to pay respects and to bow to the parents to offer condolences before leaving the room.

Yeri then approached the flowery altar and solemnly bowed her head. That was probably the most respectful she had been to those two unnies ever since she met them. Gone were the days when she would hustle them for snacks and gifts, and shoot snide remarks at them. Although it was only a flowery altar with their pictures on it, she still found it so awkward to lower her head before them this way. The two girls’ photographs stared back at her, their unmoving faces and lifeless eyes striking an odd chord in her chest.

This is so weird, Yeri thought as she awkwardly averted from the photographs’ gazes. She expected this moment to be unbearably emotional, but oddly, she did not cry. Either her conscious mind had problems processing this event, or she had just been too jaded by the whole month of dealing with the fact that they were missing.

After staring into their photographs one last time, she went to greet the mourning parents. Mr. Kang unexpectedly gave her a tight hug. “Princess, always be nice to your parents, okay?”

Why does he have to call me “princess” too? He usually called Seulgi Unnie that.

Then she introduced herself to Wendy’s parents. “Oh, Yeri, you don’t know how much your Wendy Unnie loved you. She talked about you often. It’s nice to finally meet you.”

And I’m meeting them on the most awkward day in history. Probably.

After lingering for another few minutes, she left the room and went to the bathroom. There on the sink, she pretended to wash her clean hands and just stared at herself in the mirror. She examined her round eyes, the mole on her nose, the mole on her cheek… Scrutinizing her all-black dress, she thought, What a strange day…, silently hoping none of this was real.

Into the dining area, where the mourners and visitors could stop by to eat on low tables and chat with other mourners, Yeri found her older cousin Soo-Young eating soup with a crew-cut guy in a black suit with a black-and-white striped band on his arm.

“Oh hello, Oppa, I haven’t seen you in ages,” Yeri greeted the man eating with Soo-Young. She then sat beside her cousin on the floor. Right before them was a rather handsome and manly version of their beloved Seulgi Bear—same eyes, same smile, even the same kind disposition—very similar yet slightly different. “I’ve said this before, but you really look good in that haircut. And you look like you’ve been working out, huh?”

Light small talk just could not be helped in events like this. It was like the most awkward family reunions where you’re forced to socialize with all the people you barely know in one big event.

“You look like you’ve grown a bit taller yourself, kid.” He sounded a lot like Seulgi too, if her voice was pitched down a couple of steps.

“Are you back for good?”

“No, they gave me a furlough, because, well, you know…” What he just did with his mouth—was that a smile, or what? Even Yeri could not tell. He paused to swallow. “I’ll head back immediately after this.”

“Oh, okay.” He’s probably upset. He hasn’t seen those two sisters of his since his conscription. It must have been a surprise for him.

Now it was back to an awkward silence. Why are funerals such an awkward-fest? Ugh, I hate this place.

“So… is Joohyun Unnie coming today?” Yeri asked her cousin.

“She came earlier to pay respects and immediately left,” Soo-Young said while rubbing the dark circles under her eyes.

Yeri sighed. Joohyun Unnie was the one who kept holding on to the hope that they would be rescued. I guess now she has no choice but to finally accept it. It must have been hard for her, especially since a guy she knew just committed suicide not long ago. Now she has to deal with this.

“So, um, h-how about you?” she asked her cousin. She did not want to seem like she was prying, but she asked anyway. “How are you holding up?”

Soo-Young looked down on her plate. “Barely.”

Yeri stared off the distance. Soo-Young Unnie is probably still scarred after that tragedy. I can only imagine a little bit of the horror she had been through. Maybe I will never truly understand her side of this awful story, or anyone else’s for that matter…

…but…

…I at least can understand mine.

On the way out after eating a humble meal, Yeri bravely walked up to Seulgi’s and Wendy’s parents. “There’s something I think I want to do. If that’s alright with you all.”

“What is it, Yeri?”

***

Joohyun had gone to the memorial during her early lunch break because she had no other spare time. She still had to study for her finals. Nevertheless, after seeing the girls’ photographed faces framed in wood and glass with black ribbons lacing the top, she could not hold in the sorrow deep within her heart. She even cried on Seulgi’s mother’s shoulder while she was there. She also saw Wendy’s parents for the very first time that day and felt so much sympathy for them. What would it have been like for them to lose their precious daughters? She could only imagine. That day was even worse than Bogum’s wake.

During the following lectures that same day, she stayed at the very back of the auditorium trying to hold back the cries that were drowning her and wanting to burst forth. A few minutes into the lecture, she silently left and wept in the bathroom for about 30 minutes.

Then she ended up going home instead of going back to finish the 2-hour lecture. There in her room she had curled up in a ball once more, trying to give herself even the littlest of that unobtainable comfort. Her body trembled uncontrollably as she tightly held Ryan in her arms, squeezing his fluffy body and molding him into her chest. Her tears rained down on his blue hoodie, yet he seemed apathetic about it. As upset as she was, his pokerface did not change to sympathize with her.

But then, she spotted a transparent plastic bag on her desk, slightly being swayed by the breeze from her open window. She stood up to take a look, still clutching the lion-bear in her right arm. The bag of assorted chocolate bonbons she had bought on a whim the other day was just sitting there on her table, and it seemed to be beckoning her to come closer.

“It’s a power pill. It gives you super powers,” she remembered Seulgi say.

“If you believe it makes you stronger then it will…”

“When you’re tired and having a hard time, eat it, and it will give you strength.”

Joohyun chuckled for a bit while drying the continuing streams from her face. I don’t know where that silly bear got those ideas from. A candy that gave super powers—it was ridiculous and yet the way she had said it back then was too cute to dismiss. Seulgi has said plenty of silly things.

She then unwrapped a piece and placed the chocolate in .

***

“Joohyun Unnie…”

The night drew on after another sorrowful day of Joohyun crying herself to sleep. In the shadows tainted with the dimmest light, a figure lying beside her shifted to face her for a final glance, staring deep into her soul with the kindest mono-lid eyes. Once the sun breaks through the dark night, this dream—this apparition will most likely fade with the dawn too.

“Seulgi…?” Joohyun, half asleep, half awake, slowly focused her vision through the blur. The gentle face painted by the light seeping through the window gave a wry smile. Those familiar round cheeks and kind slit eyes aroused feelings of comfort and assurance—feelings Joohyun had not felt in what seemed like an eternity.

“Unnie, I’m sorry. I didn’t want to make you cry.”

“S-seulgi…” Joohyun slurred. Her hand reached for the girl’s plump cheeks and gently caressed it with her fingers. It all felt too real. Seulgi was right here and tangible, making the all sadness from the past month vanish from her memories. Her hand lingered on that peachy soft skin, wanting that tender feeling beneath her palm to last. With a soft whisper, Joohyun said, “I missed you.”

“You’ll keep smiling for me, won’t you? You’re really pretty when you smile.”

“No, don’t leave me, please...” But the sweet little baby bear was fading away. And she had no power to stop her from dissipating into the ray of light.

“Just keep your promises to me okay?” Seulgi’s voice echoed. “And please smile. I love you, Joohyun Unnie.”

When Joohyun finally came to her waking consciousness, the lit up space on her bed was empty, replaced by longing and heartache.

This was the third dream she had of Seulgi since she found out about the salvage of the bodies. In these dreams Seulgi always told her to smile or even the words “You’ll remember that I really do love you, won’t you?” Whether it was actually Seulgi’s spirit reaching out to her or just her grieving mind playing tricks on her, she wanted to hold on to those dreams. It was the only way she could see her baby bear again.

Unfortunately, it was only a dream. In the real world, the bear who held onto her tiny hand so tightly, the bear who held her close and engulfed her in warmth and comfort was no longer there. Before she knew it, she was drowning in her overflowing grief again.

Unable to fall back asleep, the lone girl pressed the power button of her phone, flashing a glaring light right to her face. It was early dawn, around 4 a.m. Looking over the date, she realized—today is the third day.

On the third day, the bodies were neatly prepared for the cremation and were placed in coffins. In a final ceremony, the covered coffins were displayed for final messages and eulogies, before solemnly carried out and transported to the cremation site. It was the third and final day. The day they send Seulgi and Wendy farther away from her, until they were out of reach.

That afternoon, Seulgi’s father stood up to speak in commemoration of his one and only daughter. He told of the day she was born and of how pure and innocent she was as she grew up. He told of her kind and gentle spirit, despite not being the best in school. It was clear that he truly loved his “princess” for who she was no matter what.

Then Wendy’s father also stood to speak of their wonderful daughter Wendy. Wendy was always a hard worker and always the top of her class. Although the lass had been through dark and painful times, she had overcome her losses and came out strong with dreams of becoming a renowned pastry chef. And she truly cared for the people she loved too. The man could barely speak clear sentences, but how devastated could a man be, after losing not just one, but two daughters?

Finally, there was one last speaker.

A young girl of thirteen came up front, holding a piece of paper in her hand. Looking over the crowd, her heart was beating on overdrive. But no matter how nervous she felt at this moment in front of all these people, she knew she had to do this. The moment of truth. She had stayed up all night trying to compose this perfect eulogy—this perfect dedication—as a final goodbye to her beloved unnies. It was to bring herself to a closure, and to give others that same closure as well. And so, the final speaker, Kim Yerim, stood there with her hand trembling as she held the microphone, mustering all the courage to deliver the final message.

“Wendy Unnie once told me, ‘S-some good things in life are like a… a candy. When you put it in your mouth, it’s s-sweet, and it brings you happiness, but after a while… it… melts away.’” She almost choked up trying to force the words out. She took a deep breath and exhaled to relieve herself.

She continued, “I didn’t like it when she told me that analogy. Until n-now, it hurts me to think about it—about something good that disappears eventually. Nonetheless, those words she had once told me was true, and I n-never stopped thinking about it, because I am scared of losing the things I love—the people I love.

“Wendy Unnie and Seulgi Unnie are two unnies I love very much. Both of them taught me a lot and took good care of me like a real sister, and so I’d like to think of myself as their younger sibling as well. And not just me, but Soo-Young Unnie too, thought of them as family and had even been in that same final school trip with them. Sadly, the unnies had to go and leave us behind. I don’t want them to go as much as any of you here would, but I guess it is their time to go, just as we all have our own time to leave this earth as well.”

Soo-Young turned to Joohyun standing beside her and held the smaller unnie tightly in her long arms as Joohyun buried her face in her chest.

“I know they were both still very young and it is such a terrible loss... but I know I won’t ever f-forget them or lose them,” Yeri continued, dabbing a napkin under her eye. “B-because just like the next t-thing Wendy Unnie told me, even if the candy melts, they’ll always be in here—in my heart. I… I will always love them. Truly. Though I never fully expressed it to them while they were still here; though they cannot be here by my side anymore and laugh and play with me; in my heart, there they will stay in that special place, forever. And I hope you will all remember them too as two beautiful girls with two beautiful hearts.”

Joohyun and Soo-Young held each other tightly, hearing Yeri speak with the very words they needed to hear. Losing Seulgi and Wendy was painful—painful indeed. But the two girls’ impact on them can never be taken away even by death. And though it tore their hearts to shreds, they had to keep going.

After all final words were said, the two coffins were carried out to the black limousines by their close family members—like actual princesses in palanquin-like beds. Traditionally, Koreans would have the sons or grandsons of the deceased carry the coffin, but for this ceremony their fathers, uncles, and even Seulgi’s brother and Soo-Young’s father helped carry the coffins to the limousines. Seulgi’s mother carried Seulgi’s framed photograph, while Wendy’s mother carried Wendy’s. They both led the procession into the limousine. Everyone else was behind, lamenting in grief. Joohyun, Soo-Young, and Yeri stuck close to each other, following the procession out.

The other guests who had come to pay respects stayed there, but the immediate family and closest friends of the twin girls climbed aboard a small bus that would transport them to the cremation site. There on that final site, the people in the two girls’ intimate circle watched them both laid to rest. On that final somber ceremony underneath the bright summer sun, they bid their final farewell. In that same memorial site where all the other Eunhasoo victims were placed, Kang Seulgi and Wendy Son were side by side, just like their promise to each other: they would always stay together until the end.

And so, this is it, huh? Our last goodbye? Joohyun stared down on the two girls’ final earthly resting place. Her chest was heavy and gasping for air as another scar was burned in the depths of her broken heart. Never had she felt anything this painful; never had she cried a flood of salty tears on a bright summer day.

If I had known that school trip would end up being our last real goodbye, I would have said and done a lot more to show how much you both really mean to me—how you both had changed me. I still remember it all like yesterday. It feels unreal, saying goodbye thinking I’ll see you both again, but in the end it actually was the last time I got to see you two. I don’t know how I can deal with this—if I can deal with this. But it was the two of you who wanted me to keep going, and hoped I wouldn’t give up, so I’ll keep going…

She held Soo-Young and Yeri in both arms, both also lost in their sadness and cries. I promise I won’t disappear. I promise to never give up like you both. I won’t keep myself miserable, and I won’t forget the love you showed me. I’ll take care of Soo-Young. I’ll stay in touch with Yeri. I’ll live well for you both. And I will never ever forget you two, Seulgi and Wendy. I’ll always remember, and I’ll never forget.

On the bus ride back to the funeral hall, Joohyun, Yeri, and Soo-Young sat at the very back, drying their tears. The eldest sat in the middle with the least tears, trying her best to comfort the younger ones despite her own heartache. After a while, when the bus had seemed to have gotten stuck in a traffic jam, Joohyun tapped Soo-Young, who was staring out the window.

“Give me your hand.”

“What?” the tall girl with teary eyes and tomato red nose stared at her, slightly confused.

The eldest then took Soo-Young’s nearest hand and lightly placed the most unexpected (well, at least to Soo-Young it was unexpected) thing on her palm—a bonbon wrapped in foil, the exact same one she had used to prank Seulgi and Wendy during April Fools; the exact same one she carried around in her bag and pockets back then. The unnie also took out another one from her black pouch and handed it to Yeri on her left.

“Back then, when I was having a hard time, Seulgi had given me this bonbon, telling me it would give me strength,” Joohyun began.

Soo-Young could not believe her ears. She sat speechless looking up from her palm to meet Joohyun’s gaze.

 “I guess she wanted to cheer me up a little,” Joohyun continued. “And the thing was, it did end up cheerin’ me up, even just a little. Seulgi—she always told me to smile and remember that she was always there for me. In my loneliest times, when I wanted to give up, she told me not to. I’m sure if she was here, she would want you both to cheer up and have strength too, though it may be difficult. I’m just sayin’, Soo-Young, that though you may feel bad for leavin’ them in that ship, I hope you know Seulgi or Wendy probably won’t ever want you to feel that way.” Then she rolled up Soo-Young’s long fingers, wrapping the candy with her hand. “Don’t be so hard on yourself for the things you can’t control. That tragedy was not your fault.”

In spite of the melancholic atmosphere, Soo-Young suddenly chuckled and her grief-stricken face had lit up to a bright smile as if she had remembered a dumb inside joke from long ago.

“I think she’s gone completely crazy,” Yeri mumbled in Joohyun’s ear, wondering why her cousin was laughing at such an awkward moment.

“Actually,” Soo-Young said, staring down on the chocolate candy with a smile. “That power pill—the candy that gives strength—that was my idea. Seulgi Unnie must have stolen that idea from me and used it on you, Unnie.”

“What? Really?” So Seulgi’s weird quotes were actually from you all along?

“Yeah. I guess the dumb bear really learned a thing or two from me. I feel proud all of a sudden. Who knew it would come back to me like this,” Soo-Young said in a light-hearted note, feeling rather nostalgic as she unwrapped the candy in foil. “And I guess you’re right, Joohyun Unnie. I’ve been feeling guilty all this time, but Seulgi Unnie and Wendy Unnie definitely would not want me to stay upset like this.”

“Yeah, I’m sure your two unnies would want you to stay strong.” Then Joohyun turned to Yeri, “And I am sure they are very proud you made that speech earlier, especially Wendy.”

“They’d be teasing me if they did hear that,” Yeri light-heartedly scoffed. A few more tears had slipped down her face. It was true that she would miss annoying and frustrating her unnies as much as she would miss being teased by them.

Holding up the brown ball of sugary goodness, Soo-Young leaned closer to the other two. “Cheers to Seulgi Unnie and Wendy Unnie.”

So then, Joohyun unwrapped another piece and held it up. Yeri also did the same.

“Cheers.” All three placed their candies in their mouths at the same time.

“We won’t forget them,” Soo-Young said, focusing on the melting chocolate in .

Joohyun then held both the younger girls’ hands. “We’ll always remember and never forget.”

Author's Note