Chapter 8

(Part 1)

Hate

싫어

Wendy turned and walked to Yeri’s middle school with her umbrella in hand, cursing herself under her breath. Being with Soo-Young was a little embarrassing earlier. She hated to admit it, but the way Soo-Young devised and executed her school break-out and made sarcastic comments pointing out the school genius’s “pathetic-ness”—all while helping her out—was strikingly cool. She probably has to thank Soo-Young later for being the super-cool devious bad girl whom had helped her ditch class. And yes, she truly did regret telling Soo-Young that she will “just mess it all up.” Without Soo-Young she would have proved to be an even bigger loser.

As Wendy continued down the paved sidewalk, droplets began to tap her head—another greeting from the spring rains. Even with the pinkish, cloud-like cherry blossoms and bright-yellow Korean goldenbells, the entire world started to look grey. Wendy pressed the blue button by the umbrella’s handle and it swung upward forming a small canopy of protection for her.

Ugh, even the weather just hates me sometimes, doesn’t it?

Upon arriving at the school gate, Wendy noticed the students were already leaving and coming out of the building. An array of umbrellas in different colours came and went through the wide courtyard and past the gates. Wendy tilted her umbrella back to lean on her shoulder and looked from left to right, trying to find Yeri.

After a while of craning her neck and standing on tiptoes, she finally spotted the eye-catcher. Yeri easily stood-out even in the crowd of children wearing a uniform black-and-white garb. Her distinguished big, pretty eyes and bright, adorable smile was hard to miss—a dazzling bundle of charm, that’s for sure. She was standing under a taller girl’s umbrella, immersed in what seemed to be light-hearted conversation. This other girl with the long black hair standing beside Yeri appeared to be enjoying her company as well, and from the aura of their interaction their closeness radiated even from a distance.

“It’s fine, Yerm. You can ride with me and my mom,” the taller girl with the umbrella told her.

“Aw, Saeron, you’re always a lifesaver,” Yeri said with a fit of giggles that resonated even through the white noise.

As the two girls walked together to the gate while sharing an umbrella, Yeri suddenly stopped in her tracks. There before her was a familiar high school lass with a blue umbrella, awkwardly standing by the gate, looking directly at her. The familiar unnie lifted her hand up for a stiff wave of a hand, signalling a hello.

“Do you know her?” the taller girl named Saeron asked.

“Huh? Oh, yeah...” Yeri lost herself at the sight of her English-tutor unnie for a second there. “You go on ahead to your mom’s car. Don't wait for me, okay?”

“Alright,” Saeron nodded.

Yeri then ran toward Wendy, unfazed by the drops of rain. When Yeri was close enough, Wendy shared her umbrella with the girl. “Don’t run in the rain like that. You can get a cold,” Wendy advised her.

“Unnie, what are you doing here?”

“I came to see you.” Wendy affectionately pinched Yeri’s cheek. Seeing that Yeri was still beaming smiles and hopping like the little 13-year-old that she was, she felt relieved. Baby Yeri seemed to be doing well.

However, that bright disposition did not last very long. Yeri avoided her unnie’s gaze. Her smile disappeared and was replaced by a look of shame. Seeing that sudden change of mood concerned Wendy a bit. It might be because of her very presence that this frown was suddenly drawn on the otherwise jolly kid.

“Why?” Yeri asked.

“I just wanted to know if you’re doing well. I… I kinda missed you, to tell you the truth. And you haven’t been replying to my messages so…,” Wendy said, feeling a bit embarrassed to say it, but it was nonetheless her honest feelings. There was no need to mince words.

Yeri blew up her cheeks, her pupils wandering everywhere else but Wendy’s eyes. She looked rather uncomfortable about this unexpected visit, and even more uncomfortable upon hearing her English tutor tell her that she missed her. She hadn’t exactly been the nicest student lately. “I-is that it?”

“I’d really like to talk for a bit, but maybe you should go with your friend for now. We can talk some other day if that works for you. The weather isn’t cooperating either.”

Yeri glanced at the white sedan waiting out there for her. She then lifted the grey hood of a sweater underneath her formal jacket and ran toward the car.

Thinking the conversation was over, Wendy then turned back, ready to head back to the bowling center near the subway station and head back home with her two friends. But then sounds of splashing footsteps coming from behind were getting louder and louder...

“Unnie, wait!”

Wendy turned around and saw Yeri running toward her. The younger girl then stepped under the shelter of Wendy’s blue umbrella to avoid the rain.

“You’re not riding with your friend?” Wendy asked, looking a bit confused.

“I told her and her mom to go ahead without me.”

“Why?”

Without answering Wendy’s question, Yeri just held onto the older girl’s arm and proceeded to walk with her. The shorter, younger girl stuck close to Wendy, and being the unnie that Wendy was, she made sure to tilt the umbrella a little more to the left to keep the younger dry. The two girls continued walking down the street, neither knowing what to say, nor where to go. After a while, the wind got stronger, and the droplets of rain started to fall diagonally with the direction of the wind, hitting them with a burst of mist and making them wince.

“Look, there’s a café over there,” Wendy said, pointing to her left at one of the shops by the sidewalk. “Should we stay there for a while?”

The two, sprinkled with drops of rain shower on inevitable areas like legs and arms, stepped in the small dry café. The interior was warm and homey, with small potted plants and dainty glass vases with little lavenders in them. Wendy placed the blue umbrella in the provided umbrella bin, where the customers could leave their wet umbrellas before taking their seats. There weren’t many customers though, so it was like they had the small venue all to themselves.

Wendy and Yeri took off their backpacks and dropped them on their chosen seats before going to the counter to get their order. At the counter, the Wendy turned to Yeri and asked, “Do you want anything? I’ll treat you.”

Tch... Of course Wendy Unnie’s treating me. She always does. Yeri did not expect anything less. Not even Santa Claus would have mercy to not-so-nice children, but Wendy was even more charitable than certain saints sometimes. Yeri scanned the menu and chose her drink. “Banana Smoothie.”

“What about some waffles? Do you want waffles?” Just like Soo-Young described, Wendy’s generosity was not much of a habit and more or less a sort of obsession.

“You must have earned a lot of money while working at that bakery, huh?” There was a sarcastic tone in Yeri’s voice, and Wendy was unamused by that comment.

“Yes, I did. Do you want anything else?”

Yeri hesitated but finally gave in. She couldn’t say no to free food. “Yes, I want waffles too—the one with strawberries.”

Wendy then placed their order and the two went back to their chosen seats and sunk in the cushions.

“It’s raining pretty hard,” Yeri made small talk in a soft, low voice. She was trying not to be awkward around the English tutor she was rude to a few weeks ago. She wasn’t even sure as to why Wendy came all the way here, but she knew some important talk was probably going to come around... right about… now. And she was going to allow it—just to get it over with already, before it dragged on for too long.

“Are you doing well?” Wendy asked, also trying not to be awkward, but in the process being and sounding even more unbearably awkward.

Yeri forced a grin. “Yeah.”

“Really?”

“Never better.” From her tone and her face, it was obviously a big fat lie. That, or she was just terribly uncomfortable right now. Or both. Wendy ignored it though. Then Yeri asked a question in English. “How about you?”

“Honestly,” Wendy began in English, but slow enough for Yeri to catch on. “I don’t know. Maybe I’m not feeling as fine as I thought I was.”

“Reeeally?” Yeri responded, trying to sound like she was interested even though she wasn’t sure she wanted to find out where this conversation was heading.

“I’m really sorry about the English lesson, okay?” It finally slipped out of Wendy’s mouth—in Korean. She wanted to sound sincere but it did not come across that way because of how stale the air felt at the moment.

“No, no, no.” Yeri stiffly shook her head. “I’m the one who should be sorry. I’ve been mean to you. And I ignored your messages.”

“It’s okay. I forgive you.” Wendy gave the young girl a wry smile. “Since we’re going to be here for a while, we can talk, right?”

Yeri gulped. She did not like the sound of that. They were in a quiet café on a gloomy rainy day. It seemed like the perfect setting for a break-up or a tragic revelation like in those dramas and movies in flashy screens—or so Yeri thought. The youth are so into media and television and video-streaming sites nowadays.

“I just have a few questions for you. I thought about them a lot, so answer me truthfully, okay?” Wendy added.

That sounded even worse than the previous one. Even worse than the resonating screeches made by hardened chalk clawing a smooth blackboard. Yeri heard it often in one of her worse algebra classes. The uneasy girl couldn’t do much but scratch that non-existent itch behind her ear and nod.

“I’m going to start with the second question now, because you already answered my first question,” Wendy continued.

“What was the first question?”

“‘Are you doing well?’ That was it.”

Yeri gave a sigh of relief. “Oh… What’s the second one?”

She had no idea what the questions will be. There was just something so nerve-wracking about this. Usually, this audacious kid was never scared of people, but right now, Wendy intimidated her. Wendy, in all her cordiality and graciousness—and pancake-feeding sweetness—ironically began to intimidate her more now than when they were spitting curses at each other.

Here comes the question. “Can I tell you a story?”

Of all the questions that would have run through Yeri’s second-guessing thoughts, that certainly was not part of the list. “Is that the second question?”

“Yes.”

Yeri’s brows went up, still confused as to what was going on here. So, she replied in English, “Fine, go ahead. Story away.”

Wendy took a deep breath and exhaled. Then she closed her eyes, as if trying to remember something she had buried within the deepest darkest corners of her memories. “Back then, when I lived in Canada, I had an older sister.”

“Y-you did?” Yeri for sure had heard something else before—that Wendy was an only child. Or at least, she always heard that Wendy did not have any siblings. Wendy never said she had any siblings.

“Yes,” Wendy affirmed. “Soo-Young doesn’t know this. Even Seulgi doesn’t. It’s not my first time telling this story, but I really want you to hear it.”

Yeri took another gulp. Oh dear, here it goes...

Last weekend at the bakery…

“Wendy, are you okay?” Joohyun asked in concern, seeing that Wendy was beating up a slab of dough again. After the crying session a day before her birthday, she made it a point to check on Wendy more often.

“My student Yeri won’t show up,” Wendy told her, continuing to hit and toss the dough with all her pent-up frustration. “She won’t even answer my texts.”

Joohyun grabbed both of Wendy’s arms and just forced her to stop. Though she was tiny, the college girl was actually a lot stronger than she appeared to be. “The dough did nothin’ bad to you. Quit assaultin’ it. The bread police might come,” Joohyun said with a quirky chuckle. “Talk to me. Come on.”

“I told you. Yeri hates me.”

“Is that it?” Joohyun’s big round eyes stared at her with the intent of dragging out every single little dark secret she had ever kept in her life—or at least that was how it appeared to Wendy. Joohyun’s pair of magical black pearls were not to be lied to or messed with. Wendy’s hardly-ever-speechless mouth just opened and closed without a sound.

“Miss Scary Bread Police” loosened her grip on the junior baker’s arms, and the intense look on her face softened. Gently caressing Wendy’s sore fists, she said, “Even if she hates you, you don’t have to hurt yourself for it.”

Wendy stared down at her hands still being held by Joohyun’s timy one’s. For a second time, tears began to drop without her permission.

“Oh, sweety...” Joohyun once again held the girl for a warm, comforting embrace, patting the back of Wendy’s head as if Wendy was her agitated baby. The biggest difference this time, however, Joohyun was slightly chuckling. The previously standoffish college student seemed a bit more bright and happy nowadays, but Wendy did not share the same mood, unfortunately. “What’s goin’ on, Wendy Son? Your mood swings are goin’ on all sorts of roller coaster rides nowadays…”

Trying to take hold of her emotions again, Wendy broke off the hug before the tears got worse. At this point, she thought maybe it was time—time to be honest. After blowing her nose for the last time, she looked down, not wanting to meet Joohyun’s eyes for fear of breaking down.

“I used to have an older sister when I was still in Canada. She would have been your age right now. She was caring and gentle—a lot like you.”

Joohyun stayed still—her entire focus on Wendy. The term “used to” and all the past-tenses ringed in Joohyun’s ears. Her bright smile turned to an expression of sympathy.

Wendy continued, “When you touch me and hold me like this, you remind me of her. It’s like... she is in you, somehow. When you hug me, the memories get so vivid. It overwhelms me. Just like you, she had this... this amazing power to comfort me especially after days when some kids in school picked on me. And she used to always come to pick me up from school, because she could drive.

“But my sister also annoyed me more often than not. She nagged. My parents liked to compare me to her. All ‘cause she was perfect. I hated it.”

Joohyun’s frown could not have curved higher, but it did.

“I was in middle school at that time—just a little older than Yeri is now. And god—I was awful. I was nothing but awful. And a smart-. And ironically, being such a smart- got me making a lot of terrible choices. I fought with my sister often. I don’t remember anymore what my sister and I fought about that one day—I somehow erased plenty of details from my memory. But I remember very clearly telling her I did not need her. I wished she would stop bothering me. I didn’t want to deal with her. I ignored her. I didn’t want to talk to her.

“And strangely enough, as if an evil genie was listening, the next day... my sister... she never got to pick me up after school.” Wendy paused, her eyes b with tears once more. Joohyun ran her hands up and down Wendy’s arms, giving the younger a tender look of sympathy.

“I got a call… saying s-she was gone... She got caught up in a road accident...”

“Oh, gosh Wendy…,” Joohyun mewled, as if she could see it all happen before her eyes as Wendy told her story. “I’m so sorry…”

“I s-struggled for the next f-few months… Although it was nobody’s fault, I felt like it was mine. Finally, I applied for the f-foreign exchange program, not only because it was my dream to visit Korea... but also because I wanted to r-run away from that place… from that memory… from that version of myself… that version of myself that ended up killing her…”

Joohyun held Wendy’s chin up, her eyes fixed on her unwavering. “It was an accident. It wasn’t your fault. You shouldn’t blame yourself.”

Wendy was slowly calming down. “I know. But what’s the difference? I already did the unthinkable in my head... I wished her away... and got the awful thing I wished for. To have it end like that—to have it all end without me being able to say sorry—is the very nightmare I wanted to erase. I did not want to remember any of it. That’s why ever since I came here to start a new life I never told anyone about her...”

“Wendy...”

“Anyway, about Yeri… She’s moving to London soon. I don’t want her to leave being in bad terms with me. I don’t want to end up being in bad terms with anyone, knowing anyone can end up disappearing like my older sister did. I don’t want to be the same jerk that I used to be. I know it probably doesn’t make any sense to think this way, but I can’t... I just can’t help it. I don’t want to end up regretting it all again...”

Touched by what she had heard, Joohyun gave the sobbing girl a sweet, motherly smile. “Then maybe you should tell her that. Go meet Yeri and talk to her alone. Tell her how you feel and how much you care about her. You’re very strong and mature, and you have a good heart, Wendy. I’m sure if she hears about this, she’ll understand.”

***

After telling Yeri all about her sister, Wendy said in a low, sombre voice, “So, Yeri, I know you probably don’t like me that much, but… I really hope we can stop fighting. I’m not going to ask you to come back and study English with me if you don’t want to. All I want to ask for my third question is, can we make up and be good friends again? Please?”

Not knowing what to say, Yeri swallowed the lump in , trying to keep the tears contained in her eyes upon hearing Wendy’s tragic past. For a while, both of them just silently sat there, with nothing to be heard but the muffled taps of rain and soft piano music played through the café speakers.

Then breaking the silence, Yeri spoke, “Honestly, Wendy Unnie, I don’t hate you. I was never really angry at you.”

“You weren’t?” Wendy looked up while drying her tears. She felt slightly relieved that Yeri didn’t end up making some mean comeback.

“Look, I’m really sorry for being such a bad student, okay?” Yeri repeated. “I was just angry at something else, and I kinda took it out on you during our English sessions, and I shouldn’t have. You’ve always been so nice to me. I’m sorry.”

“If you’re not mad at me, what were you upset about then?”

Yeri leaned closer to the table and stabbed a piece of waffle with her fork. “I’m not sure either,” she sighed. “Going back to question one—honestly, I just don’t feel so good nowadays.”

For the first time ever since Wendy had known Yeri, she saw a different side of her—a serious, melancholic side. This rambunctious kid had always been laughing with people, or laughing at people, or making sarcastic remarks and the snarkiest comebacks with little remorse. But this side of Yeri was something else. Yeri sighed and looked down and spoke in hushed tones. It was almost a different person.

“Nowadays, my mother talks non-stop about our immigration to the UK.” Yeri dipped the waffle in cream but she didn’t eat it and just left the fork on the plate. “And although I thought it would be exciting at first, I just didn’t feel as enthusiastic as I thought I would be. In fact, I feel upset just thinking about it. I’m not sure why. I just don’t want to think about moving. And although I love learning languages, participating in the English lessons put me in a bad mood because they’re somewhat related. That’s why I was not cooperating with you. I’m sorry.”

It pained Wendy to hear Yeri say “sorry” numerous times, but now she finally understood. Yeri, who she thought was a pain-in-the-arse for plenty of reasons, had a lot more in common with her than she previously thought.

“Yeri, can I tell you one more story?”

Yeri met her gaze and leaned back on the cushioned seat.

“When I signed up for the foreign exchange program more than 3 years ago, I was sure this was what I wanted—to move far away and leave everyone and everything behind—to start a new life. But a few days before my flight, I started to feel awful too and I wasn’t sure why, just like how you described. And that’s when I realized what I put myself through—I was leaving my family and friends and my past—everything. I thought it would be easy to just leave it all, but…” Then Wendy took a deep sigh. “I know how you feel.”

“I guess it is the same thing,” said Yeri. “You saw my friend Saeron earlier, right?”

Wendy nodded.

“She’s my best friend. I’ve known her forever. I think I feel upset every time I think about moving to London because… because I’m going to have to leave her, and I don’t want to. I’m going to have to leave Soo-Young Unnie and you and Seulgi Unnie, and I don’t want to. I’m going to have to leave my life here, and I don’t want to. I don’t know why, but I don’t want to. I just don’t want to.”

Before Wendy could say anything, Yeri stood up from her seat and grabbed her backpack. Wendy noticed the younger girl’s eyes glazed with tears on the brink of falling. “I should probably go home now,” said Yeri, trying to avoid shedding tears in front of her English tutor. “Thanks for the smoothie and waffles.”

Yeri almost just ran off and left, but Wendy caught her arm before the door was opened. “Yeri, take this.”

Yeri turned and saw the kindest unnie ever, handing her a box of homemade brownies. They were her favorite. She would never eat brownies unless Wendy made them. At this point, a line was drawn down her cheek—the trail of a tear from her very eye. The young girl gladly accepted, with a slight chuckle. She could say she was surprised, but honestly, she wasn’t. Of course Wendy would do such a thing. And of course, Wendy also offered her own blue umbrella.

Of course, this is Wendy Unnie... Even after I’ve been so mean...

“Thanks, Wendy Unnie.”