Chapter 9

Hopes and Dreams / Determination

Power Pill

믿음의 힘

(The Power of Belief)

The Previous Night

And… submit! It was almost 12 a.m. Just ten minutes before the deadline for online report submission. Joohyun clicked the button and breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe I should work on the other one until maybe 2 o’clock or 3 or so…

As the reports and projects kept piling up, the more frustrating it became. College has never been considerate of students’ stress, and neither was it merciful to the struggling. Individuals were often overlooked; Joohyun as nothing but another mere number registered in the system. A game was all it was; a very competitive game. The highest scorers get all the benefits. Losers and low scorers had no place here. If Joohyun were to survive in this educational jungle, she had to struggle and claw her way up. She had to make sure her reports did not fall short of perfection. For this reason, she strived to be meticulous word for word. 

As she was typing out her report, an alert of a message came on her phone. It was from Seulgi. Nowadays, whenever Seulgi sent her late-night messages, amusement filled what used to be her lonely hours. Seulgi usually just asked her if she was sleeping or not, to which she would reply “no,” or sometimes a “yes” and a bunch of sleeping emoticons and stickers to be funny. (Obviously, if the person was sleeping, she wouldn’t—or couldn’t—reply.) Most of those nights, Joohyun just found a knack for humouring the bear.

“…I just have to finish this report quickly.”

This one was due tomorrow. It was a pain in the hind side, but it will surely be a lot more relieving if she could finish a good fraction of it tonight.

“Am I bothering you? Sorry, Unnie, I’ll message you tomorrow.”

“It’s fine Seulgi. You can keep messaging me ^_^ ” Seulgi’s messages were like a shot of caffeine to her. She somehow got better at fighting off drowsiness with every buzz of her phone. As she continued to type on her laptop, she suddenly thought of a good idea.

“Seulgi maybe before my midterms.. you and I can go to Han River again? ... ”

She had not asked anyone to hang out with her in ages, but with Seulgi it just felt right somehow.

And after a few more messages about when they would meet and stuff, Seulgi asked, “So it’s a date then?”

A fit of laughter burst through the night. The girl who lived in close quarters had to force herself to calm down in case the neighbours hear her making noise. Gosh, Seulgi, you cannot possibly get any more adorable than this…

“If you think of it that way, sure.”

The next day while walking through the university campus trying not to drowse off due to exhaustion, Joohyun heard her name suddenly called out by a familiar, manly voice. Before she knew it, a taller young man with clean-cut hair and a sweet, childish smile was walking right beside her. She felt her stomach almost jump out of her body. She hated surprise attacks.

“Bogum, you scared me.” Joohyun held her books so close to her chest, as if she had a heart attack.

“Sorry, Noona,” the young man just chuckled, showing off his dimple. “Thanks a lot for the help the other day though. The professor gave me a pretty good score on the report.”

“Great…” Joohyun scratched her eyes outlined with dark circles, sounding a lot more haggard than happy for the boy. She stayed up until 3:30 a.m. last night. It was hard enough to keep from falling apart right on the spot. “Glad I can help.”

Days after Joohyun first met Seulgi on the bus stop back in mid-March, Joohyun made a new acquaintance—Park Bogum. He was a second-year college student, Joohyun’s hoobae. Although Joohyun did not know most of the students in her department, he ended up sitting next to her one day in a class they were both taking. He seemed to be struggling with the lesson a bit, so Joohyun let him copy off her notes. After that, he often sat next to her in that particular class. And when the teacher told all of them to submit reports, Joohyun helped him out a bit too. She did not mind having him around at all—because it added to her new worthy cause of trying to be a little friendlier to people.

Unfortunately, others had begun wondering if they were in a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, which made Joohyun rather uncomfortable. She honestly barely knew him and only saw him for that one class. Moreover, she was in no position to be in a romantic relationship right now. She wasn’t even sure if she liked him that way, even if he seemed quite a charmer. And even if she did like him and he liked her back, she was just not sure how she would go about such a relationship either. She barely had experience with friends; having a boyfriend was an even more unthinkable concept.

“Anyway, Joohyun Noona, do you have any plans for the weekend? Oh, right, you have jobs…”

“I don’t have part-time jobs this weekend actually,” Joohyun said, stating the truth.

“Oh great! I was actually wondering if you’d like to go see cherry blossoms with me before they all fall to the ground. I hope that’s not an awkward thing to ask…”

Although Joohyun swore her soul was still sleeping peacefully in dreamland, Bogum’s proposition suddenly shot her back to earth. Did Bogum just ask me on a date?! Her tired panda eyes probably grew twice its size; her lips puckered with her teeth gritted hard, leaving an uncomfortable silence.

“Well, would you go out with me?” Bogum finally said those dreadful words.

“Ah… ha-ha-ha…,” Joohyun breathed in intervals resembling an awkward fake laugh. “I actually have a… a date. This weekend.” And it was no lie. She had a “date” with Seulgi—and thank goodness she did. If she didn’t have a plan with that fluffy cub, she would have never known how to reply to this boy.

Friday was the last “ordinary” day of school before the midterms start for the three high school girls. For the last few minutes of final period, Seulgi sat in her chair, wishing the clock hands would move just a little faster so she can get out of this stuffy room as soon as possible.

She also glanced at Wendy, who oddly did not seem to be as attentive as she used to be. Her friend was blankly staring down at nothing, unmoving like a still frame.

After they ditched class yesterday, Wendy eventually told Seulgi and Soo-Young about her sister in the evening when they got home. Soo-Young was right about it all. They had a few tears, but Wendy told them she finally made peace with herself about it during the subway ride home. From then on Seulgi promised herself to take care of Wendy and always be there for her. But it wasn’t like she hadn’t been doing that for the past few years.

“…and one more thing. After the midterms, there will be a big announcement concerning the school trip,” Seulgi and Wendy’s homeroom teacher announced.

Suddenly, the students’ attention was back in place, like they were snapped out of some sleepy trance.

“The administrators have been finalizing plans, and it will be announced once your exams are over. I heard it will be a new experience and an exciting time for all students, so please look forward to it.”

The room full of high school kids cheered and chattered amongst themselves, only to be silenced by the taps of a wooden stick against the teacher’s table. “So, everyone, study hard for your midterms, and give it your all. Now, none of you would want to have summer make-up classes or worse, repeat senior year, would you?”

Seulgi gripped her mechanical pencil tightly. No, no, no repeating.

“Alright, class dismissed. Those who are scheduled for college counselling today, please meet me at my office for your appointment.”

The scene of silent students immediately transitioned to the typical hullabaloo-filled end-of-day routine, wherein everyone packed their things, got up from their seats, and hit up conversations with fellow classmates. Seulgi and Wendy also packed their bags and stood to leave for the hallway.

Shoot… I forgot about the counselling… Was it today? Seulgi then tapped Wendy and asked, “Don’t we both have counselling today?”

“Oh yeah, I almost forgot about that. We’ll probably have to head for Mr. Lee’s office in 15 minutes or so if I remember the appointment correctly.”

The moment they stepped out of their classroom doors, they were greeted by none other than their loyal friend, Park Soo-Young, as usual. Once again, they were both taken captive by her long arms, securing the two on both of her sides like two little baby chicks under mama hen’s wing.

“Did you guys hear? The school trip will be announced soon. I heard it was going to be a cruise of some sort, like we’ll be riding a boat or ship or something. I hope it’s a huge fancy yacht with champagne and steak and huge tasty crabs,” Soo-Young told them. “And we can feed seagulls and do fishing...”

“Really? A ship? Like, Titanic? Our teacher didn’t say that.”

“Our teacher didn’t say that either. I just heard it somewhere. Some dudes were talking, saying they heard the principal—or was it the vice-principal’s niece…? I’m not sure… But how cool would that be! I’ve never been on a cruise before! The closest thing to a boat I’ve ridden is one of those swan-pedal-boat-thingies by Han River. This school trip is going to be so exciting!” Soo-Young stretched out an arm in front of her, reaching for some invisible man in thin air. “‘Jack… Come back!’”

“Well, you better hope it’s not the literal Titanic, ‘cause sinking in the ocean with some hopeless romance does NOT sound like fun,” Wendy joked, grabbing Soo-Young’s extended arm and pulling it back down so they could hold hands while walking down the hall. “But yeah, I gotta admit—it would be pretty cool if we end up going on a cruise…”

“Yeah, too bad there’s still midterms to worry about,” Seulgi sighed.

Seeing that the dummy bear seemed worried, Soo-Young grabbed something from her pocket and gave one to each of her “troubled” unnies.

Seulgi looked down on her palm. Soo-Young had given her a candy again. “Is this another one of your pranks?”

“What? No! Are you doubting my kindness right now?” Then the tallest in the middle pulled the two short girls’ heads closer and whispered, “It’ll give you superpowers.”

“Super powers?” The two said in unison. Not another one of Soo-Young’s weird concepts...

“In class, our history teacher mentioned the ‘Placebo Effect’.” Soo-Young proceeded to talk about war and history. “...and since they ran out of medicine for the sick and injured, the doctors and nurses gave the patients fake medicine made of useless stuff, but they didn’t tell them it was fake. The odd thing was that the patients thought it was real so they got cured anyway, just because they believed or had this expectation that the medicine would cure them. It’s the amazing power of belief and positive thinking! They say it’s got something to do with brain science and all that jazz... I’m not sure myself... If you convince your brain that this candy gives you superpowers, it might just be the ‘power pill’ you need to ace the exams next week.”

“You’re crazy but very informative and convincing. You also pay attention to your classes now. Good for you. I’m impressed,” Wendy said sarcastically. Then she grabbed her other friend with the dumb, blank expression on her face. “But anyway, we have counselling today. We’ll have to go now.”

Seulgi stared down at the candy on her hand while being dragged away, thinking about the “Placebo Effect.” Positive thinking, huh?

***

“Ah, Kang Seulgi and Son Wendy…,” their homeroom teacher said as he lowered his eye-glasses and looked over the files in hand. “Who wants to start first?”

The two awkwardly looked at each other, both unrelenting to each other’s stare, until Wendy finally volunteered to go first.

“You’ve been here for more than two years. How was your experience here in Korea so far?”

“Well, it’s been great… And I live with her, so it’s all good.” Wendy kept glancing at Seulgi and turning back to the teacher as she spoke. The bear smiled back at her best friend.

“And what are your plans after high school? Do you plan to go back to Canada?”

“Um…” Wendy glanced at Seulgi on her side again and looked up to the ceiling and down at her lap before answering. “I haven’t really thought about it much.”

“Well, if you want to stay and pursue a higher education here, it probably won’t be a problem for you. Your grades are superior above everyone else in the entire school, and if you do end up taking the college entrance exams at the end of the year, you’ll most likely ace it. Tell me, what field are you considering? Law? Medicine? Engineering?”

“I actually don’t know if I want to go to college yet, much less figure out where I want to end up going,” Wendy said, sounding very unsure of herself. It was true that she can get into a prestigious school anytime she wanted, but that meant little to her right now. “But, uh, I have been working part-time at a bakery during weekends nowadays…and I realized I truly enjoy that sort of thing. I love baking and just being there learning to make bread and pastry.”

“Well, if you’re into culinary arts there are some great schools in Seoul if you want to study here…,” the teacher went on, suggesting things. Wendy took some notes and listened closely.

However, as she was writing down names of schools, a dull ache of uncertainty hit her. Did she want to stay here longer, or should she go back to Canada? Her stay here was never intended to be permanent. If she stayed a lot longer, what about her parents? She has not visited them in ages. But just like Yeri, she was not sure she was ready to leave Korea either. It was an odd feeling—knowing she cried so hard before coming to Korea and now she loved the place so much. There were choices to make, and she was not sure which path she should take once she finishes high school.

“Next Kang Seulgi…,” the teacher said with an audibly loud sigh. “Seulgi… Seulgi…”

Seulgi just sat there already expecting the worst. After all the praise Wendy received, she was sure it would all just go downhill once it was her turn.

“Have you been studying hard?”

“I’m trying my very best, sir.”

“And what are your plans?”

Seulgi frowned. “I just don’t want to repeat high school.”

“Seulgi, don’t worry. Judging by your academic record so far, you’re probably not going to repeat high school—unless of course, you manage to completely fail for this semester and the next one. You said it yourself that you’re working hard, Seulgi. You have improved a lot, and I doubt that you’ll fail your exams, so don’t worry too much. If you do enough on your college entrance exams, you can probably get into somewhere…”

“But what if I want to get into one of the top schools in Seoul?” Before she even finished that sentence, she realized how ridiculous she sounded. It wasn’t that she was too ambitious; she just wanted to get into the same university that her brother and Joohyun were attending. That particular university was highly prestigious, though, (how her brother got in always mind-boggled her) and chances were probably slim. However, as long as there was a very slim chance, she would latch onto that very little chance and will not give up. If her brother could get in, she would never lose hope. Also, being in the same university as Joohyun was always an exciting thought.

“Well…,” the teacher slowly dragged his words, as if trying to come up with a way to say them as gently and inoffensively as possible. “I won’t say it’s impossible, but you would need a big miracle for that one…”

“Then I’ll pray harder! I’ll work harder! I’ll do whatever it takes!” Seulgi exclaimed with all the burning passion she had in her heart. She won’t give up without a fight. Clenching her fist with the candy in her hand, she knew she had to stay positive and believe in herself. Look out world. I, Kang Seulgi, am determined to ace my midterms this semester!

That weekend, Wendy had to set up the shop all alone since it was Joohyun’s day off. Hours later when Chef Taeyeon arrived, she had to be on cashier duty instead of baking duty, because no one else was available. While there were no customers, Wendy took her phone and began composing a message. “Joohyun Unnie!!! Have a great day off!! I heard you're going out with Seul today. Have fun without me ㅜㅜ”

“ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ Don't be beating up bread again while Im not aroundㅋㅋ Did you set up well?” Joohyun replied immediately.

“Yes~ Im doing your job now~~~”

“Do well and work hard Son Wendy! Fighting!ㅋㅋ Maybe next time you and I can hang out together as well^^”

The ring of chimes. The door opened for a new customer. “Welco— Yeri?”

“Hi, Wendy Unnie.” Yeri seemed calm and in a decent mood today—acting like nothing happened between the two of them.

Little Miss Pigtails, what a truly pleasant surprise. “A-are you here for bread?”

“Yeah. My dad is waiting out. Please give me the best ones you recommend. And some brownies would be nice too. As long as you make them, they’re my favourite.”

As Wendy prepared her order, she asked, “So, we’re good now right?”

“Yeah... about that... I was thinking maybe we start over again,” Yeri awkwardly began. “With the English lessons, I mean. I am leaving in a few months, and I probably have to double up...”

“Really?!” Wendy sounded a little more ecstatic now than her initial reaction to the first English lesson. She was glad Yeri was finally accepting her as her tutor again.

“Yeah. Maybe after my mid-terms, we can get back to that. My mom will still pay you, and I’ll try my best to cooperate from now on.” Then she handed Wendy’s blue umbrella to her over the counter. “Thank you for treating me to waffles, giving me brownies, and lending me your umbrella that day.”

But what she really meant was, Thank you for forgiving me and being so nice to me. You’re the best unnie ever. But she would rather not admit that to her English tutor’s face.

Wendy smiled widely, went past the counter and gave Yeri the bread bag. She lightly pinched the little girl’s cheek. “I’ll try my best to be a good tutor. Enjoy the bread.”

***

Seulgi headed to the exact same spot she met Joohyun before. Usually, although it took a good long hour and a bit of transferring from subway station to subway station just to get to the good parts of Seoul all the way from Ansan, Seulgi did not mind. She was used to it—living all her life in the same place and all. Today, however, Seulgi kept an eye on her watch and stayed alert for every time the subway car stopped and announced the current station in Korean, English, Mandarin, and Japanese. It irked her, knowing she had plenty of stops and a transfer left. Ugh, why is this stupid station so damn far away?

“Seulgi!” the bear heard a shout when she got off the station and wandered a bit by the foot of Mapo Bridge. Joohyun had spotted her mindlessly drifting, and quickly made her way to the bear’s side.

“Hello Joohyun Unnie, it’s nice to see you again,” Seulgi said in a shy, but very delighted voice.

Joohyun immediately coiled her arm around the arm of her “date.” “Thanks for comin’ today, Seulgi. Very nice day today too! Good thing there ain’t no rain today!”

The college girl appeared to be very animated today. She was beaming with her pearly-whites exposed and her round eyes resembled a very upbeat toddler’s. She also talked a lot more; her accent resonated with every word out of her pink lips.

Seulgi felt herself smile widely as well. If Joohyun was happy today, she was happy too. If Joohyun smiles, she smiles. Little did Seulgi know that Joohyun had a wretchedly exhausting week in university that left her fatigued; she only lit up with happiness because she was meeting her favourite bear today. It wasn’t because she was acting either; she truly did feel good today because of Seulgi.

Today, the two took plenty of photographs and selfies with their phones. It was almost magical, seeing the pinkish-white petals ride with the breeze before floating down over their heads like velvety snowflakes. They also talked on and on as they strolled and rested on park benches. Both of them loved every second of it. It was all the more wonderful, for they were by each other’s side.

Sometimes, Seulgi asked herself, “Why do I like Joohyun Unnie so much—to the point that I think of her often and want to go to the same university as her?” She wasn’t sure herself. There was just something about the older girl’s radiating sweetness and gentleness that she found so unforgettably attractive. And yet, there was an air of mystery to Joohyun that Seulgi also found intriguing—like a sealed book with hidden stories. The more she interacted with her, the more interesting she became. She just wanted to get to know her more. With her “mad genius” friend Soo-Young’s words in mind, she wanted to “unwrap” Joohyun thoughts bare like a candy, even if it would take forever for her to open up.

Their conversations jumped from one topic to another. Opinions on flowers and seasons in general came up from time to time. Then there were odd topics like how disgusting Joohyun thought bees were and how hordes of them swarmed the flowering trees; how caterpillars can be so gross-looking despite the beauty of a full-grown butterfly. Seulgi recalled falling for Soo-Young’s pranks on April Fools, to which Joohyun just ended up laughing in great amusement.

Seulgi also asked advice about getting into university and wondered about university life every now and then. Joohyun would try her best to answer and help her out. Seulgi had come with a few worries, but Joohyun had lots of ideas for her. She suggested that Seulgi made portfolios of her art and try enrolling in an art school nearby instead of obsessing with her grades and trying to get into the same university as her. (Her university was not prestigious for nothing; life on campus was not as glamourous as the stressful minutiae of the students’ reality.) She also suggested Seulgi research every hobby she enjoyed and look up ways she can make a job out of them. However, in the meantime, she still thought Seulgi should try her best in the upcoming mid-terms anyway.

The thoughtful bear ruminated on Joohyun’s words, making sure to keep a mental note about them. “Do you really believe I can succeed someday?”

“If someone says they believe in you, don’t you feel stronger somehow?” Joohyun asked her.

“Yes.” It reminded her of what Soo-Young said about the “power pill.” Maybe it was a somewhat similar concept. If someone can believe in her, and if she can believe in herself too, she might be able to do anything.

Then Joohyun looked up towards the clear blue sky. Seulgi noticed that the older girl liked to stare at the sky often. “This may sound odd after givin’ you so much advice, but honestly, I don’t know much. You can listen to me all you want, but the future’s not somethin’ people can predict. Even I struggle with myself. Every single day, actually.”

“Is that what you meant?” Seulgi stared at Joohyun, admiring the beautiful streamlined features of her side-profile. It seemed that on this dazzling spring day with petals drifting with the breeze, Joohyun had an ethereal glow about her. It was an astonishing sight to behold.

“Meant by what?” Joohyun looked down from staring up at the sky and made contact with the bear’s gaze.

“You’ve told me before not to be so hard on myself for things I can’t control. Did you mean the future? I kept thinking about it. I doubt that you’d meant I just accept being a dunce.”

Joohyun chuckled upon hearing that quote again. “Oh, that… My momma always told me that. I guess whatever she told me, I end up tellin’ others as well.”

“What are your parents like? You take a lot from your mom, don’t you?” Since Joohyun had brought it up, Seulgi thought she would ride with that topic. She knew Soo-Young’s family, Wendy’s parents (through video chat), and even Yeri’s family; she wanted to get to know Joohyun’s family too.

“Honestly, I look more like my dad.”

“He must be ridiculously handsome…”

“He can’t talk or move or do much of anything nowadays. He’s paralyzed,” Joohyun just croaked without any intros. At first, Joohyun hesitated, but after remembering Wendy’s confession to her last week, she thought she would step up her game as well. She wished she could tell the story of her father emotionally like Wendy had about her sister, but she just did not want to cry and be depressing today. She had never felt great in a long time since her father’s accident. For once she just wanted to feel normal and hang out with a friend and have a good time.

“P-paralyzed?”

“He’s been like that for a while. But he’s still alive,” Joohyun said a-matter-of-factly as if it was a completely ordinary thing to deal with.

Seulgi fell silent, not knowing what to say. She never experienced tragedy or anything dreadful in her life, so she had no idea how to react when people told her these things. She wanted to ask what happened, but she thought maybe it would be best not to ask further and just let Joohyun say whatever she wanted.

So Joohyun continued, “My mom just says that quote to me to remind me not to tire myself out. I tend to overwork when I think about him. It’s not easy to live on mom’s income alone. That’s why I work hard.”

Both of them let the conversation settle down for a bit. Joohyun saw all the petals resting on Seulgi’s hair and began to brush it all off with her fingers. Seulgi sat still, letting Joohyun’s gentle touch do whatever it wanted.

“I think my dad would be glad to know I made a friend like you, who makes me feel happy just stayin’ here by your side like this. That was somethin’ I never saw in my future, but here you are,” Joohyun said as she leaned her head on Seulgi’s shoulder and closed her eyes, subtly steering the conversation elsewhere. “When I was younger, I’d always been shy and barely made friends. My parents worried a lot because of my personality. I was always alone and felt very lonely. But when I met you, not sure why… but you made me happy, Kang Seulgi. Thank you for askin’ me to become your friend.”

“I’m glad I made you happy and less-lonely,” Seulgi said in a soft voice, feeling Joohyun’s head peacefully resting on her that afternoon. The contact was warmer than the rays of light beating down upon them that day. Even after they had gotten up to continue walking and in hand, Seulgi still felt the warm pressure of Joohyun lingering on her shoulder.

While they were taking a nice stroll, Seulgi felt something in the pocket of her jacket. When she took it out, she found a chocolate bonbon wrapped in foil.

Soo-Young’s bonbon? I haven’t eaten this thing?

“What’s that?” Joohyun noticed that Seulgi was staring at something in her palm.

“Oh, this?” Seulgi held it up for her to see. Then she took the unnie’s hand and placed the candy on it. With an gleeful chuckle due to some inside joke, she said, “It’s a power pill. It gives you super powers.”

Joohyun tilted her head to the side, puzzled at what the silly bear’s words.

“If you believe it makes you stronger, then it will—like the pla... something... effect,” Seulgi could not remember what word it was that Soo-Young told her. It was more impressive when Soo-Young explained it. So in her own words, she said, “When you’re tired or having a hard time, you can eat it and it will give you strength.”

Joohyun just laughed and shook her head. Whatever it was, the happy virus, Seulgi Effect, was already taking place. “Thank you, Seulgi.”

After wandering a bit more at Han River, Joohyun bought their dinner—burgers from one of the stands. At the end of the day, when they were about to part ways again, Seulgi held Joohyun’s small hand until they reached the subway station.

“I’ll see you again, right? You’ll spend time with me again, won’t you?” Joohyun asked ever so cheerfully. It had been a great day. In every way, Seulgi was Joohyun’s power pill. She had not known Seulgi for a long time, but Seulgi gave her plenty of strength and she wanted to keep her for a long time. This slightly bigger hand around hers was not easy to let go of, but she knew they will meet again, like they always had.

“Of course,” Seulgi muttered with a bittersweet tone in her voice. The day passed too quickly. She did not want to loosen the grip she had on her little fingers. Joohyun seemed to have caught on that lackluster expression as well.

“What about maybe next week after midterms are over? Your midterms also end at around that period, right?” Joohyun suggested.

“Anytime you want, Unnie, I’ll be there. I’ll always be glad to spend time with you.”

“Good. I’ll message you within the week. Maybe we can meet again next weekend and we can watch a movie or something. If not the weekend, then Friday evening will be good too. ”

“Okay, Unnie.” She was trying to keep her cool and not burst in happiness. Joohyun was asking for another date. They were finally getting closer. Nothing could be better than this.

“Good luck on your midterms, Baby Bear. I believe in you. You can do it. Do your best. I promise I’ll see you again after midterms.”

“Thanks, Unnie. Good luck to you too.”

Thank you Joohyun Unnie, for believing in me.

Don't give up! Keep hoping! Keep dreaming!

You are filled with DETERMINATION

Undertale reference... lol