A/n:

hi! I wrote this while listening to Wendy's Beauty Inside OST Goodbye *0* its soooo good and it sets the mood perfectly so I recommend yall listen while reading ^^ i LOVE the drama too! A must watch! Happy reading!

P.s

The angst is going to pass soon~ hang in there wenrenators

===

Joohyun closed her eyes.

Her body shivered in cold and she was aware of how her rain-soaked clothes were ruining her sheets yet she refused to rise and open her eyes. She couldn’t open them. Not when memories were everywhere; tainting the walls and smearing the floor, stuck on the ceiling and replaying like a film. She literally couldn’t look at any spot even in her own home without seeing her. It had been going on for a week now.

Yet when she closes her eyes, it becomes even clearer. Everything was stuck behind her eyelids, speakers right in her eardrums, playing a melody with a magical voice. Her eyes fluttered open at once.

She felt like drowning. Drowning in too much Seungwan. She sat up, looking around.

At the edge of the bed, she saw them.

“I don’t want to look at you. I don’t want to even glance at you because I’m afraid that when I do, it will be impossible to look away,”

“Cringeworthy-Son, is that perhaps your twisted way of telling me that I’m pretty?”

“No. You’re not pretty. You’re so much more than that,”

Out of instinct, she grabbed the nearest pillow and threw it at the image, realizing too late that it was a mere mirage and the cushion had sailed straight into the floor. Groaning, Joohyun stood and went to the kitchen to make herself a drink only to stop in her tracks.

“Aren’t you going to eat?”

“Nah. I’m already full just by watching you eat,”

“That is so cheesy,”

Their laughter were so bright and bubbly and happy that Joohyun had the urge to throw another thing at the two but stopped herself.

This is nothing. I’m used to it.

She made herself some warm milk. It would help her sleep. Hopefully, it would be an uneventful rest. If she could, she would sleep forever just to escape these memories that shouted in unison in her head, once sweet but now has turned bitter and salty.

With her glass of milk, she returned to her room and found a sick girl lying on her bed, grabbing on to a purple-haired girl’s arm to stop her from leaving.

“Why—Why are you here?”.

“Because I got worried,”

“I’m fine. I’m not a child. I can take care of myself. What’s it to you anyway?”

“Your health is important to me,”

“…Why?”

“Because I care,”

CRASH

Joohyun flinched in surprise as milk spilled everywhere on her carpeted floor. She blinked the blurriness away from her eyes and rushed to clean up her mess, cursing under her breath.

“. What’s wrong with me?” she mumbled, picking up broken shards of glass when suddenly, a warm hand stopped hers, taking the pieces away. Joohyun looked up and gaped at Seungwan who smiled brightly at her.

“Be careful, sunbae. You’re going to get hurt.”

Joohyun yelped at the sudden pain on her finger, looking down to see blood oozing out from the wound. She had accidentally cut herself for not paying attention. She went to the kitchen and put her finger under the running water.

“I must be going crazy, seriously,” she grumbled.  She felt her phone buzzing in her pocket. She answered the call with her free hand. “Hey.”

“You’ve been ignoring my calls.” Juhyun’s worried voice went through, “Is everything okay? You sound horrible.”

“It’s nothing to worry about. There are just…ghosts I can’t deal with in my place.”

“That’s…scary. Should we look for an exorcist?”

“No,” Joohyun told her, sighing, “I’m afraid exorcists can’t drive these ghosts away.”

“…okay,” the hesitation in Juhyun’s voice was obvious, “Are you sure you’re fine?”

“Yeah…” Joohyun sank to the ground, leaning her forehead against the cupboard, “I’m fine.”

She ended the call and closed her eyes, quietly letting tears fall. A soft tap on her shoulder made her turn and she found herself face to face with the girl she didn’t want to see, yet her mind insists on making images of. A torrent of anger, pain, resentment, and longing stirred up in her gut. She closed her eyes again, tightly squeezing this time. Please stop making these things up, she told her brain.

“Sunbae,” it was annoying how her head has memorized the exact way Seungwan’s voice sounds, how it flows smoothly and all its melodic qualities, filled with sincerity and concern, “Please don’t cry.”

Joohyun opened her eyes but there’s no one, just the empty air of her kitchen, a steady static of silence buzzing in her ears. She let out a shaky breath and clenched her fists, not caring about her wound that stung at the pressure.

Her quiet tears soon escalated to strangled sobs and she fell against the cupboard, choking up. She shook her head, refusing to believe in reality, refusing to believe in her rotten luck.

Joohyun wanted to get up, get over it, and wrap her heart in steely metal barriers again just like how she’s used to but then she couldn’t. Her heart had been stripped and vulnerable and like a fool, she trusted Seungwan to take care of it.

Seungwan who smiles brightly.

Seungwan who’s perpetually considerate.

Seungwan whose gaze promised warmth.

And yet here she was, cradling whatever was left of her bruised and beat up heart, too weak to even put up new shields.

felt raw from all the crying and her face felt hot yet her fingers were frozen. She sneezed. And then coughed, and coughed, and coughed, wondering about one thing before passing out.

Why did it have to be you?

***

It was warm under the numerous covers wrapped around herself. Too hot, even.

Yet why was it so cold?

Joohyun peeked out of her cocoon-like blankets to stare out of the windows, watching raindrops hit and trickle down the glass surface. It’s raining. She pulled the covers closer, gripping it tight as though doing so would pull her out of the trance she’s already in.

It was raining that day too.

She clearly recalled the blissful flutters in her stomach as she ran through the rain; something she never did even when she was young. She never liked playing in the rain. It made her feel cold and sick right after. Her parents prohibited her from doing so too.

Yet that day, she had no hesitations and went after the girl whose laughter still rings clearly in her heart, the warmth of her skin despite being soaked under the rain can still be felt; how soft she had felt in her arms, how perfectly eye-level their height were.

“I win.”

“You always win, sunbae.”

The flutters in her stomach had turned into horrid whirlpool, making her want to throw up.

Joohyun sank deeper into her sheets, sighing heavily and hoping she could also win over Life that seemed to be intent in ruining hers.

“Hyun?” she heard Juhyun’s voice from the door yet didn’t bother to move. Footsteps shuffled, a tap on her shoulder. “Come on, wake up. You need to eat your dinner.”

Sluggishly, Joohyun sat up and let her friend fuss over her.

“Your temperature’s not going down.” Juhyun said, worried, “Seriously, you should take care of yourself. Why were you going around under the rain without an umbrella in the first place?” she scolded and Joohyun wanted her to stop, being reminded of someone else.

“Have you been drinking your medicine? How about your meals? You haven’t skipped them, right? You’re burning! Ah, this won’t do.”

Joohyun closed her eyes, releasing a shaky breath and taking in another yet no matter how deep she inhaled, it didn’t seem enough to fill in the void in her chest.

It hurts.

“Hyun?” Juhyun’s voice was soft and careful, as though afraid she would break, “What’s wrong?”

She gave up trying to breathe and exhaled, “Was everything really just an act?”

Concerned eyes trained on her and she looked away, recalling the same look in soft brown eyes.

“Hyun…” Juhyun held her hand, “…are you okay?”

“Yes.” Joohyun answered almost immediately, trying to convince herself more than anything, “I’m okay.”

“Hyun…”

“I’m fine.” Joohyun sniffed, “You should go home. You can’t always take care of me. I can manage.”

“What are you talking about?” the softness in Juhyun’s voice was immediately replaced by a stern tone, “You’re burning with fever. How can you manage without anyone taking care of you? If not me, then who? I tried calling Wendy but—”

“Juhyun-ah.” Joohyun interjected, eyes stinging, “Please go home. I..I want to be alone.”

Juhyun studied her face before getting up with a sigh, “You’re not even being angry. How am I supposed to disobey that?” she said, “I don’t know what happened but call me if you want to talk, alright?” Joohyun nodded and the other girl walked to the door.

“Ah.” Juhyun stopped just as she’s about to go out, “There’re some tangerines in the kitchen. I found a bag of them on your doorknob when I arrived. Should I get you some?”

“…who sent them?”

Juhyun shrugged, “I don’t know. But there’s a note saying it contains vitamin C and would boost your immunity. I don’t recognize the penmanship though. Who could it be?”

Joohyun sank into the mattress and turned to the window so her friend wouldn’t see the agony written all over her face. “…I think I know.”  she gripped the sheets so tight her hands started trembling.

“Should I get you some?” Juhyun asked again. “It looks sweet.”

Joohyun shook her head.

“Don’t.” she said, “I bet they’d taste bitter in my mouth.”

Juhyun waited but Joohyun refused to elaborate. The girl’s figure remained unmoving. Sighing, she opened the door.

“I’m going now.” she said, giving Joohyun one last look. The girl didn’t budge. “Take care,”

Joohyun let out a heavy sigh when she heard the footsteps fading and her front door closing. She rolled to her back and stared at the ceiling, conflicted.

Betrayal; it was the one thing she despised the most. It hardened her heart into stone, sharpened her tongue, and frozen her gaze. She had a deep-rooted hate for traitors. She had sworn to herself years ago that she would never let herself be deceived again, that she would never forgive anyone who would try to do so.

Then why…

She placed a hand over her heart, feeling it thump faintly under her palm.

Why is it that I can’t bring myself to hate her?

Closing her eyes, Joohyun drifted in and out of sleep. At some point in the wee hours of night she woke up feeling hot and sticky and drenched in sweat yet she felt cold to the bones. Wrapping herself in her blanket cocoon, she stood and dizzily made her way to the closet. Her eyes scanned the clothes before settling on a familiar hoodie.

She did not know what she was doing. She was delirious. If she was in her right mind, she would have scoffed and proceeded to throw the article of clothing away. Or at least, that’s what she said to herself as she reached out for the jacket’s sleeve, bringing the hem to her nose, and inhaling deep. The traces of vanilla were fainter now, dominated by the lavender from her own clothes.

Yet as vague as the scent has become, her memories were still as clear as the noon day sun. The fragrance that used to fill her with giddiness and warmth now triggered unwanted recollections.

Joohyun could explicitly remember how Seungwan had been sitting on that seat by the grand piano, looking like she’s been there all her life, how her eyes held a stunned look of fear as a secret was unveiled the moment their gazes met. She could still feel the hollow feeling in her gut as though a black hole had grown out of nowhere and was her entire being when she looked around and spotted the glass board where her face was stuck everywhere with scribbles of elaborate plans. She had looked at Seungwan, hoping for denial but all she saw in her eyes was guilt.

Everything was planned. Everything.

Unknowingly, tears had fallen again without her permission and as much as she wanted to wipe it off and push it down, she felt too weak and too helpless. She was too exhausted to fight back; mentally, emotionally, and physically.

And so she fell to the floor, pulling the hoodie with her. Clutching the material tight, she heaved out sobs of anguish. She let herself cry until became sore and her eyes grew heavy under the excuse of her fever making her even more sensitive. Her body eventually gave out to fatigue and stress, pulling her into unconsciousness that offered no rest as her monsters stirred in the depths of her mind, a new ghost added to the lot.

***

The tangerines kept on arriving. They sat in a pile on Joohyun’s dining table, the girl not knowing what to do with it. She sat, staring at the fruits. They were a waste to throw away and she knew she wouldn’t be able to even swallow them. She had seen the note and confirmed at once the sender of such thoughtful gesture. She could recognize that handwriting everywhere.

Joohyun sighed, leaning back on her seat. “This is the downside to kind people, seriously.” she grumbled before going to the kitchen to make some breakfast, deciding to leave the fruits be. Her condition had gotten fairly better but not yet fully recovered.

Or maybe she just didn’t really feel like going to school yet.

She opened the refrigerator only to find it bare. Sighing, she closed it and decided to go to the convenience store and buy some instant noodles. She can go grocery shopping next time. Pocketing her keys, she shuffled to the door and pulled it open only to yelp in surprise and freeze in place, unable to do anything but stare blankly at the soft brown eyes that gaped back.

What is she doing here?

Joohyun was surprised and a lot confused. Her grip on the doorknob tightened as she expected rage and anger to ignite in the pits of her gut. Yes, a part of her wanted to scream and shout and hit the girl but the urge to cry was even stronger. She wanted to scream and shout and hit the girl and ask her why?

What is this? She thought in annoyance, I’m not supposed to be like this.

“Um, hi..?”

Joohyun picked up her forgotten mask and put it back on just as her pretentious always does in vulnerable situations.

“What are you doing here.”

She watched Seungwan scratch her nape, face flushing and tried to point out what she was feeling. Pain. Disappointment. Caution.

(Affection; faint and dim but undeniably there)

“Oh. Um. Uh. I…was about to go? So, um, yeah. I’ll just…you know, leave…”

Stupid.

“These tangerines,” Joohyun pointed at the new batch hanging on her doorknob, “Are these from you?”

She already knew the answer to that. But she didn’t want Seungwan to go just yet.

“The ones yesterday and the day before that. They were all from you, right?”

Still, Seungwan refused to answer, standing there with hands clasped together and head hung low like a guilty puppy. Joohyun mentally scoffed, annoyed at herself more than anyone else.

Be still, heart.

Threatened, Joohyun lashed out blindly; more out of instinct rather than purpose.

“There are not enough fruits in this world or the next to make me forgive you. So please. Stop it. It’s getting annoying.”

The hurt that flashed in Seungwan’s eyes was apparent but Joohyun barely batted an eye, the inhumane part in her getting satisfaction from the tiny revenge. The pain she caused wasn’t even a quarter of what’s she’s suffering from.

So she stood by what she said, though she hated it.

“I was just worried. I knew you’re sick so I thought—”

“You don’t have to.” the ire she’s been looking for had finally flared up, “We’re nothing now. You don’t have to care.”

Feeling closing up and the hot pressure behind her eyes, Joohyun retreated back into her apartment, about to close the door when Seungwan lunged forward, stopping her.

“But I do. I care for you. A lot.”

Seungwan wore sincerity for eyes. Unfair. It’s almost impossible not to be deceived.

Be still, heart.

She scoffed to cover up her wavering resolve, “Don’t make me laugh. I’ve already caught you so you can stop acting now.” she said, continuing with her attacks. Offense is the best defense after all.

However, the way Seungwan flinched at her words tugged at her heart and made her fingers twitch, aching to reach out and comfort. Refusing to be bewitched once more, Joohyun immediately closed the door.

Leaning against it, she let out a ragged breath and slowly slid down to the floor, hugging her knees to her chest as her mask falls back down with a loud clang. She’s conflicted and confused, her frustrations along with her anger materializing in the form of hot tears welling up and spilling out of her eyes, running a steady stream through her cheeks.

She didn’t feel like herself. She wanted Seungwan to suffer too. She wanted to hurt her, to make her feel how it’s like. But when she does, why is it Joohyun’s heart that’s breaking?

***

Going back to school was a difficult decision to make but life doesn’t pause for heartaches and Joohyun had classes to attend to and projects to submit. She diligently studied up what she missed and made sure not to skip another class whether Seungwan was there or not.

Park Bogum wasn’t much of a problem. The guy did try approaching her but the moment Joohyun sends him a glare, he almost immediately went running away. During music class, Joohyun walked with head held high, sitting on the very back instead of her usual seat and ignoring the stares she got from the brunette. Joohyun didn’t like sitting at the back. Her eyes often wandered to restricted places and she didn’t like it. However, it was better than sitting beside her.

Instead of the practice room, her free time is now often spent in the library where she studied until she dropped dead. Right now, she’s all sprawled on the table, passed out.

“Ngh…” Joohyun groaned, stirring awake. She tugged the blanket draped around her shoulders closer, feeling cold.

Wait, blanket?

Joohyun snapped awake, instantly sitting up straight. She looked at the fabric and frowned. She didn’t remember having a blue blanket with printed paw prints and bringing it with her to the library. What on earth—

“Ah.” she muttered in realization upon getting a whiff of the blanket’s familiar scent. She immediately took it off her as though singed. Simultaneously, her eyes settled on the packet of chocolates resting on the table just beside her notes. Though the sender left no note, Joohyun knew who it was from.

No one was kind enough to make dark chocolates in the middle of their busy schedule instead of just buying one except for that girl.

Sighing, Joohyun ran her fingers through her hair, exasperated. “When will she give up?” she grumbled, opening the package and taking one piece, popping it in . A balanced combination of bitter and sweet flavors exploded in . Bittersweet.

How fitting.

“What am I supposed to do with this,” she continued to mutter to herself, closing the package, “I don’t even like sweets.”

She was in the middle of organizing her pencil case, closing her notes, and stacking them in a pile, when a sudden tap on her shoulder made her jump and squeak, earning an angry shh! from the librarian and other students.

“What the—” she abruptly stop when she turned around, looking up to see a giant loom over her with a smile on her face that looked sweet but Joohyun personally thought it looked condescending. She blinked blankly and tried to assess the tall girl’s character. Pretty but scary. Red lights and alarms sounded in her head. Beware.

“How can I help you?” she said when the girl didn’t speak.

“Hi. My name’s Joy. Can we talk?”