Wendy turned off the engine of her car and stared at the building that made her feel a rush of different emotions at once. She sighed, trying to ignore the tightness in her chest and grabbed the bag of tangerines from the passenger’s seat and was about to step out of the vehicle when her phone vibrated in her pocket. Frowning, she took out the device and read the caller ID.

Incoming call
Chairman  

She swiped the red button, turned off her phone, and tossed it somewhere in the backseat. Not today, Satan.

She entered the building and climbed up to the fourth floor, walking to the door at the end of the hallway; the door she had entered numerous times before with a fluttering heart and exited with pink cheeks and small smiles. Now she stood before the same door, with a heavy heart, unable to enter.

Wendy sighed. She seemed to do that a lot nowadays. Everything was sigh-worthy with the way her life was going. She never anticipated that Joohyun would catch them red-handed. But she did. And now Wendy didn’t know what to do.

Joohyun…

Wendy sighed again, letting out a breath full of regrets. She could still remember how Joohyun had looked at her that day. How those eyes that used to sparkle like stardust had become dim. How the gaze she’s accustomed to lock with hers had become unfamiliar, cold, and distant.

She had always wondered and had even voiced out the question once: what are we?

“From now on, we’re nothing, you and I,”

It wasn’t the answer she wanted to hear.

Wendy let out a shaky breath, her grip on the bag getting tighter, “Nothing, huh?” she mumbled to herself before shaking her head, trying to snap back into reality, and hanging the plastic bag on the doorknob.

It’s the third day Joohyun didn’t go to school and Wendy knew why. The older girl had been drenched by the rain. The last time it happened, Joohyun got herself a fever. As much as Wendy was worried, she wasn’t able to personally take care of the girl. So—

Beep.

Before Wendy could even react and jump behind the random potted plant at the corner, the door had swung open, revealing a red nosed Bae Joohyun who was so surprised she yelped causing Wendy to jump, a tiny squeak escaping her lips in surprise.

For a moment, they stared at each other, the air charged with tension.

Unable to breathe in the awkward air any longer, Wendy broke the ice.

“Um, hi..?”

The look of surprise on Joohyun’s face hardened into ice. “What are you doing here.”

Wendy scratched her nape, face growing hotter and hotter. What an unexpected turn of events. She wanted to get out of there. Fast. Seeing Joohyun, she felt better. The older girl’s nose was still a little red, eyes a little puffy but she didn’t look sick anymore. However, she wasn’t really in the position to show herself to the girl just yet.

“Oh. Um. Uh. I…was about to go..? So, um, yeah. I’ll just…you know, leave…”

“These tangerines.” Joohyun’s voice stopped Wendy in her tracks. “Are these from you?”

“…”

“The ones yesterday and the day before that. They were all from you, right?”

“…”

Joohyun sighed, running fingers through her hair. “There are not enough fruits in this world or the next to make me forgive you. So please. Stop it.” she said, “It’s getting annoying.”

Joohyun’s voice; so harsh and unfeeling, bringing words meant to attack and wound. But what hurt her most was the detached, far-away quality in that voice she knew so well and knowing that she had caused the sudden change. She had caused the pain that brought upon numbness; caused the glass to completely shatter that now there’s nothing left.

It was odd, the painful squeeze in her chest yet she couldn’t complain about it, knowing fully well that she deserves so much worse.

“I was just worried. I knew you’re sick so I thought—”

“You don’t have to.” Joohyun’s sharp words cut her short, “We’re nothing now. You don’t have to care.” she was about to shut the door close but Wendy held it open.

“But I do.” the younger girl said, staring back into Joohyun’s eyes with the same intensity, “I care for you. A lot.”

Joohyun stared at her and scoffed, “Don’t make me laugh.” she said, “I’ve already caught you so you can stop acting now.”

Wendy outwardly winced and flinched away at the verbal blow, letting Joohyun close the door successfully, bag of tangerines still hanging on the doorknob outside.

She swallowed the lump that had formed in and blinked back tears, letting out a shaky breath.

She had never faked anything around Joohyun.

Every word, every smile, every action—Wendy had meant every single one of them.

***

Ding dong.

Joy rang the doorbell for the nth time now yet no one answered. She rechecked if she got the right apartment and it turned out that she did which means that the girl inside was purposely ignoring her. It was silly, how one girl goes missing and just when she returns the other one disappears. The game of tag is making her dizzy.

She put down the bag of necessities the Stupid Cupids had prepared (Seulgi insisted they call it ‘The Revel-Care Goodies Box’ but Yeri argued that it wasn’t a box) and ran her fingers through her hair, getting frustrated.

Ding dong.

She rang the doorbell again and just like before, no one answered.

Annoyed, Joy took out her phone and dialed a number and asked the receiver in a sweet voice, “Unnie. Can you hack open a door for me?”

“What are you talking about? How’s Seungwan?”

“I have no idea. She’s not opening the door. She must have died inside,”

“If she did then you’d be one of the suspects. Your face itself is suspicious.”

“How can I kill her when I haven’t even entered?” Joy replied, “So hack this door open so I can go in and kill her myself.”

“Unfortunately, I can’t do that unless I’m there in person,” Seulgi told her.

Joy groaned, “Then what should I do?”

“Enter the pin code?” Seulgi innocently suggested, “Her password’s 7777.”

Joy really can’t with this unnie, “Unnie. If you knew the pin then you should’ve just told me immediately.”

“How am I supposed to—”

“Ah, whatever. Thanks. I’ll update you later. I’m hanging up.”

Joy pocketed her phone and entered the password, not expecting it to unlock but it did and she could only shake her head. Her Wendy-unnie’s such a simple person. Is she inviting robbers over?

When Joy entered the apartment unit, the sight that greeted her came as quite a surprise. She had expected the place to be a mess with alcohol bottles and cans littering around, papers messily strewn on the floor, dirty plates lying around and the likes. However, the place turned out to be the exact opposite.

Papers were neatly stacked on the table, numerous folded paper cranes were arranged underneath, the floor was gleaming, and the plates were washed and sitting dry and clean on the rack. The air smelled like a lavender-scented air freshener. Joy walked further inside and saw that even the bottles of wine surrounding the lounge chair that faced a glass wall overlooking the city were neatly arranged in organized rows.

Everything was neat and perfect—except for the girl sitting on the chair, strumming a lonely melody on her guitar with a wine glass completely filled with burgundy sitting on the cup holder. Her back faced Joy yet the tall girl could still feel the misery radiating from her hunched back and drooping shoulders.

And then the girl started singing, voice melodic and enchanting yet hoarse with emotions. Joy watched as notes were belted, heart spilling out honesty until it strained and cracked, the song replaced by a sob.

Unaware of Joy’s presence, the girl put down the pencil she’s holding and picked up the wine glass, about to take a sip. Joy snatched it immediately.

“I think you’ve had enough,” she said, eyeing the empty bottles surrounding the girl. Three is too many despite her high tolerance and there’s still a whole crate waiting to be consumed. Joy didn’t know the she had such a huge stock. Did this girl run a factory?

Said girl turned and she looked even worse in front; flushed hollow cheeks, bird’s nest of a hair, and puffy red eyes that still glistened, yet to be done with crying.

But upon seeing Joy, she still tried to mask the ugliness of pain with a smile.

“Sooyoung,” she said, usually pearly white teeth stained with red, “I didn’t notice you enter. What brought you here?”

“Stop it.”

“Huh? What do you mean?”

“Stop acting like you’re okay. You don’t have to do that around me.”

Wendy smiled, wistful eyes gazing out of the glass wall, “I know.” she replied, “I’m sorry. It’s become a habit.”

Joy watched the girl stare out and thought it was heartbreaking that someone as kindhearted and thoughtful as this unnie would have to get used to hiding her pain behind a smile, wondered how many times did she ever have to pretend she’s fine even when she’s not for it to become a habit.

“Have you been cooped up in here all along? For four days?”

Wendy looked at her with genuine surprise and confusion in her eyes. “It’s been four days?” she asked, “I didn’t notice…”

“You’ve been sitting here facing the sky and you didn’t notice?” Joy sat beside her, nudging her to scoot. The girl reeked of alcohol.

Wendy laughed, “Time flew by too fast.”

They lapse into short silence before Joy asked, “What have you been thinking about?”

Wendy hummed thoughtfully, distant eyes now fixated somewhere beyond the clouds, “Hmm…I don’t know…the nitrogen in our DNA, calcium in our teeth, and iron in our blood?”

Joy had no idea what she’s talking about. Perhaps the girl had already lost her mind if she really did go through those four days with only wine to keep her stomach full. However, the melancholic smile that cradled secrets and soft eyes that held memories answered Joy’s question better than Wendy’s response.

“She’s back, by the way.” Joy quietly told her, “She looks fine.”

“That’s good to hear.”

They sat beside each other in comfortable silence. Joy swirled the wine she’s holding, watching the dark liquid slosh around and glancing at Wendy at the third swirl. The older girl had a detached look in her face, physically present but mentally absent. Her eyes were sunken, surrounded with dark circles, a look of grave acceptance in her gaze. It alarmed Joy.

“Unnie.” she gently held Wendy’s hand, “What are you thinking?” she tried again.

Wendy was about to dismiss her question with a shake of her head but Joy squeezed her hand. The older girl looked at her, saw the stubborn eyes, and sighed.

“Don’t worry. I’m going to school tomorrow.” Wendy said instead of answering, “I’m finished thinking.”

“Uh-huh. And what solution did you come up with?” Joy knew Wendy is book smart—hell, she’s book genius. However, she also knew that Wendy’s thoughts are usually hazardous and unhealthy with too much consideration for others but none for herself.

“I thought I should just stay away so she can move on with her life.”

Why am I not surprised? “Yeah? So you’re just going to go and leave her without explanation.”

Wendy slowly nodded, “She’s better off hating me.”

“And how about you? How are you going to move on with your life?”

Wendy gave her a resigned smile, the defeat in her eyes evident, “Well, it’s never too late to wear that engagement ring.”

Joy was so shocked she let go of Wendy’s hand as though burnt. “Unnie, what the ?”

Wendy averted her gaze to her lap, “Just to be safe. They might find out about…our relationship, whatever that is. Agreeing with the engagement would shut them up. Hopefully, they won’t have any reasons to attack.”

“So you’re doing this to protect her.”

Wendy sighed, “It’s all I can do. I don’t want to cause her more pain than I already had.”

Joy ran her fingers through her hair, “Ah, this is frustrating. You’re making me want to slap you again.” she said, “You really think that finding out that the girl she likes betrayed her and then turns out to be engaged with some rich guy after all this time won’t be any more painful?”

“I…”

“You lied to yourself.” Joy told her, “It wasn’t because of the dating agency that you denied and tried to suppress your feelings for her. It was because you wanted to protect her. Because you already knew at some point that she likes you too but a relationship with you would only hurt her because of your family, right?”

“…”

Joy sighed and grabbed Wendy’s hand again, “As expected. Don’t you ever get tired of giving, unnie?”

Wendy didn’t reply, looking extremely conflicted and Joy almost felt bad for knocking some sense into her, messing up with everything the girl had painstakingly thought about for four days.

“You meditated and fasted for three days and came up with that bull. You should try doing it for nine while hanging yourself on a tree. It worked well for Odin.”

Wendy cracked a smile, much to Joy’s relief, “I’ll take that advice.”

Joy let silence settle between them before asking, “What do you like about her?”

The question took Wendy aback, “What? Why all of a sudden?”

“Just because.” Joy replied, “Come on. Tell me.”

Wendy thought for a moment, “Well, it’s a given that her beauty is unmatched—” she abruptly stopped at Joy’s raised brow, “I mean, of course you’re a close second by, like, a tiny millimeter. You’re gorgeous and wise and when your eyes crinkle when you smile it’s like the sun is shining down directly at me and, you know, an actual angel—”

“I asked for why you fell for her not me.” Joy was smirking now, “And I’m taking offense on the last one. I’m no pushover angel.”

“Right.” Wendy nodded, “A hot, extra spicy, demonic y dynamite.”

Joy clicked her tongue with a grin, “That’s better.” she said, “So. Irene Bae. What about her?”

“Hmm…” Wendy mused, “I wonder…”

Joy tilted her head questioningly when she trailed off.

“It’s just…there’re too many reasons why and sometimes, I too don’t understand.” Wendy said, eyes taking on a faraway look again, obviously replaying memories, “It’s complicated but sometimes it isn’t. She makes me feel comfortable but at the same time she puts me on edge. I feel like she understands me and knows how to deal with my problems better than I do without even knowing what it is so I’m thankful. Our friendship is something that had always been special to me. So I try to do the same. I try to understand her.”

Wendy smiled softly, the first time her smile reached her eyes that day, “But each time I see through layer after layer, closer and closer to her raw personality, I get surprised and my curiosity is continuously craving. She’s honest and sincere, dependable and trustworthy. She’s so much more than a pretty face. There are countless reasons and I can’t mention it all. Bae Joohyun…that girl is a wonderful person who deserves all the love in the world.”

Joy smiled, “There you have it.”

Wendy blinked the haze away, “Huh?”

“Think of what you just said. The feelings you have right now; hold on to it, feel it, bask in it.” Joy said, “Because those are the same reasons why you shouldn’t let her go.”

Wendy stared at her and Joy could see the hesitance and fear glistening in her bloodshot eyes. She gave a comforting squeeze to the older girl’s hand.

“She’s worth it, remember?”

***

“Good morning!”

Everyone turned to the bright newcomer who brought a bagful of baked pastries, smiling wide as though she had not just disappeared for a few days. The Stupid Cupids exchanged worried looks.

“Sooyoung-ah. I thought you checked on her yesterday?” Seulgi whispered to the tallest.

“I did,” Joy replied in the same hushed tone, “We even talked. She seemed fine but now I’m not so sure.”

“So this is what the entire school’s been screaming about today, huh? She looks…” Yeri joined in, the three of them looking at the girl who was busy taking out different kinds of baked goods out of her bag, “A little pathetic, don’t you think?”

“I can hear you, you know?” Wendy snapped, looking at their direction.

“That’s because you’re supposed to hear it.” Yeri told her, “What’s with that attire? Are you making someone regret, is that it? How lame.”

The Stupid Cupids shook their heads disapprovingly at Wendy’s ensemble of black leather jacket over red long sleeves and especially at the sunglasses resting on her nose. She looked good. But for someone who just got her heart broken and is trying to win that person back, it’s a little pitiful.

“In my opinion,” Seulgi said, “The sunglasses are a little over the top,”

Surprisingly, instead of defending herself, Wendy laughed, “Believe me, this is the only thing I can do to salvage what I actually look like right now.” she took off her glasses and the girls cringed at the sunken bloodshot eyes and apparent dark circles that even concealer couldn’t hide.

“Yikes. Put it back on. You look horrible.” Yeri told her, grimacing.

“Deal with it,” Wendy continued, putting her sunglasses down.

The three girls exchanged looks again and quietly sighed, fixing their resident snowman a worried gaze. After a lot of nudging and kicking, Seulgi eventually stood first, approaching the girl and engulfing her in a hug from behind.

“What’s this, suddenly?” Wendy laughed, patting Seulgi’s arms around her waist.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m alright,” Wendy replied, trying to pry off the bear who still wouldn’t budge, “Seul, I swear I’m fine.”

“Shut up and let her hold you, okay?” Yeri stood and hugged Wendy in front, the girl sandwiched between them, “Let me hold you too.”

“Ah, seriously. What’s with you all?” Wendy’s voice cracked and she tried to laugh it off, “You guys are heavy!”

“Wan-ah,” Seulgi rested her chin on her friend’s shoulder, pouting, “You’re laughing and smiling and trying your best to look fine and we know that you’re a strong girl but you know that we’re always here for you, right?”

“W-What are you saying, seriously…” Wendy’s voice trembled yet she looked up to the ceiling, trying to stop her tears from falling.

Watching everything from the couch, Joy stood, “I’m disappointed. I thought we talked about this last night?” she approached the teary girl and flicked her forehead, “I told you you don’t have to act okay around us, didn’t I?”

“…it’s a habit.” Just like that, Wendy let the tears flow down freely this time, crying even harder when she felt arms tighten around her. The warmth they offer and their familiar scents that gives comfort; Wendy’s thankful for it all. The tears that streamed down her cheeks weren’t just tears of pain and guilt but also happiness and gratefulness for the companionship they offered. She’s not alone.

“Joohyun-sunbae must be suffering more…” Wendy said when they parted, sniffing, “She doesn’t have a lot of friends…I hope Juhyun-unnie’s taking care of her.”

“I hope she’s not,” Yeri said, “If Juhyun-unnie finds out Irene-sunbae’s crying because of you she’s going to kill me. I promised we’ll fix things, not worsen it.”

“I’m sure she’ll understand,” Joy said, “And you. Stop worrying about your Joohyun-sunbae and start worrying about yourself too. Eat well and sleep well. She’ll be angry if you get sick.”

Wendy scoffed bitterly, “Why would she when she’s not even acknowledging my existence?”

“She’s still ignoring you?” Seulgi asked as she gently wiped Wendy’s tears dry.

Wendy nodded, sighing, “I know I deserve it but I hope she’ll listen to me at least once.” she sighed again, “I’m starting to hesitate. If I should still try to talk to her or not.”

“Do it. Do everything in your power to make her listen to you so you won’t regret anything in the end. At least get closure. It’s the best for the both of you.” Joy told her. “This happened all because of us so we won’t be meddling with your matters. I have a feeling it would make things more complicated if we do.”

“But we’ll be supporting you from the sides,” Seulgi said with a nod, “You can get strength from us! You can always depend on us! Isn’t that right, Yerim?”

Yeri rolled her eyes, lips tugging to a smile, “Yeah, whatever.”

Wendy smiled and looked at the precious people in her life, hoping to remember this feeling forever.

“Thank you. I mean it.”

***

That night, Wendy went out on a drive to cool her head and think about the things her friends had told her. A change of view and some fresh air might help.

She drove without destination, her grip on the steering wheel tight. She had the roof folded down, the wind so cold she couldn’t feel her face. For some reason, it’s colder than usual.

Her thoughts ran faster than the engine, going round and round like the wheels of her car as she mulled over things again and again. She knew she had to make a choice but it wasn’t easy; neither of the choices were looking good.

Wendy’s never selfish. She’s always been the exact opposite of it.

So why…

Why am I refusing to let go?

It confused her. She felt like a different person. The greed and want in her heart scared her so she turned to her brain. Her rational brain told her of the advantages and disadvantages, concluding she should just stay away. She thinks it’s right. That would lessen the damage.

Yet still, she hesitated.

She thinks it’s right. But it’s not what she wanted to do.

“The feeling you have right now; hold on to it, feel it, bask in it. Because those are the same reasons why you shouldn’t let her go.”

Wendy took in a deep breath and tried to recall. It wasn’t hard. The memories had already been playing all this time.

It all came rushing back in a blink of an eye; the sincerity in her gaze that sometimes comes off a little too intense, her lavender scent, the rare smile that’s often crooked, her surprisingly loud laughter, the way her left brow twitches, her left ear peeking out of her hair, her quiet voice that’s more soothing than any other lullaby.

Joohyun had always been such a truthful girl. Even without the older girl verbally saying it, she could see the truth in her eyes whenever she looked at her. Her voice had always been laced with honesty, words carefully picked to be vague yet still telling. Wendy didn’t miss any of it.

Wendy knew. And yet she insisted it’s not what she thought it was until it was out in the open and she’s not surprised but still did not know what to do.

Because I fell for you.

Wendy abruptly stepped on the break and the car screeched to a stop. Her knuckles had turned white, grip on the steering wheel too tight. She took deep breaths and hit her forehead on the wheel numerous times.

Had she been a normal girl with a normal family, she wouldn’t have hesitated to catch her.

“This is all my fault, seriously,” she groaned, grumbling to herself, “If only…”

She trailed off, an automatic voice in her head reminding her to be thankful for everything she has in her life. That she’s lucky she grew in a well-off family. That a lot of young people are struggling for money yet she’s there with too much.

Lucky my . She scoffed and stepped out of her car to get a drink. She had pulled over a convenience store, conveniently.

Stuffing her hands in her pockets, she went straight to the beverages section and picked up a can of soda. After paying for her drink, she put on her hood and went out of the place with her head hung low, fringe covering her eyes. She wasn’t really watching where she’s going so when she bumped into another body on the way to her car, she wasn’t that surprised.

“I’m sorry—” Wendy abruptly stopped when she looked up, seeing another girl also wearing a hoodie, round spectacles resting on high nose bridge. Her heart played a painful beat. She blinked, flustered. “J-Joohyun-sunbae?”

The older girl looked just as surprised but soon, her shock turned to stone. “What are you doing here?”

Wendy blinked again and looked around. Now that she paid attention, the place does look familiar. It was the convenience store near Joohyun’s apartment.

Ah.

Perhaps her subconscious wasn’t exactly driving aimlessly.

(It drove her straight to home)

(At that moment, she decided,

She’d be selfish just one time)

“I…” Wendy’s voice broke. She felt nervous. She never thought they’d meet again like this. She wasn’t prepared. She wet her lips and tried again, “I didn’t…I was just driving around and happened to stop by…”

“I see.” Joohyun’s voice was clipped and cold, matching her gaze. Without another word, she turned to enter the store. Without thinking, Wendy grabbed her wrist. The girl turned, brows furrowed, “What is it?”

“You look tired. Are you getting enough sleep?” among all the things she wanted to say, Wendy asked the question that bugged her the moment she laid eyes on the other girl. She had become paler than her usual pale, eyes tired, and cheeks hollow.

Joohyun scoffed. “What’s it to you?” she tried to break out of Wendy’s hold but the latter tightened her grip. “Let go.” she ordered with an icy glare.

“Sunbae. Can we please talk?” Wendy pleaded, eyes starting to pool, “Can you please hear me out?”

“There’s nothing to talk about.” Joohyun pulled her hand away but Wendy refused to let go.

“There are a lot.” Wendy insisted. Joohyun’s been avoiding her at school, as expected. She refused to see her and talk to her. If she didn’t explain herself now, she’s afraid she won’t have other chances to. “I approached you at first because of the dating agency, true. I may have given them some personal information about you and I apologize for that. I’m sorry. I really am. I was just doing my job. But that doesn’t mean everything I did was an act. I wanted to be your friend. Seriously. Sincerely.”

Joohyun’s face was unchangingly stoic, “So what are you trying to say.”

“That I’m sorry.” Wendy said, voice bordering on desperate and anxious, “There were times when the girls had crossed the line with the operation and I didn’t do much to stop them, you didn’t like Park Bogum yet I helped in pushing him to you, and I…I didn’t tell you the truth…There are a lot of things I’m sorry about so I’m apologizing. I’m really sorry, sunbae. We already put a stop to the operation so you don’t have to worry. I’m not asking you to forgive me. I just…I know I don’t have the right to ask for this but if you can give me another chance—”

“Cut the crap.” Joohyun’s voice cut through her ramblings like a cold, sharp knife, “Go home and sleep. You shouldn’t waste your time telling me things like this.” she successfully broke out of Wendy’s hold this time, turning on her heels. “After everything, how can you expect me to believe a single word you say?”