Unknown faces appear by the door and even by the windows, eyes peeking to catch even just a little glimpse and witness the rumored beauty of class 3-A of Haknam High School. Passersby could only shake their head at the gathering crowd outside the room. It had become a norm at this point.

Said beauty, however, had her head down on her desk, her gorgeous face buried in her arms and revealed in all its glory to her table only. The crowd mutters ‘ah, she’s asleep again’ in disappointment and one by one walks away.

Cautiously, Joohyun shifted ever so slightly and peeked over her arms. There were still a few people lingering, hoping they’d catch her ‘wake up’. Sighing, Joohyun put her head down again. Looks like she’ll be in this position until the teacher arrives. How annoying.

It seems, in their entire school, she was the only one who didn’t understand what the hype was all about. Heaven knows how hard she tried to, spending long minutes staring at herself in the mirror, trying to figure out what was so special. And hell did she only see a girl with eyes a little too blank and expression a little too cold; nothing more, nothing less. Another second of staring at herself and she got sick of it. She dutifully avoided her reflection in the next couple of days.

A pat on her back made her flinch. Had the creepy weirdoes finally gained courage and approached her? She shivered. Oh god, please no.

Slowly, Joohyun rose and saw three girls surrounding her with a smile on their faces. She recognized them as her classmates, though she couldn’t place a name on their faces as she wasn’t exactly the type to pay attention and her introvert wasn’t about to let her go around and befriend everyone in her class and no one actually does try to approach her either. Maybe they hated her, she didn’t know.

“Hi!” the girl in the middle chirped.

Joohyun blinked, tilting her head to the side. Did she just say hi to her? To her? Bewildered, she glanced over her shoulders and looked at them again, pointing to herself.

They giggled. “Yes, you. You’re Bae Joohyun, right?”

“Y-Yeah…” she nodded, “What can I do for you?”

“Well…you’re always in the top of our class and we didn’t quite understand the lesson in math today so we wondered if…” the girl hesitated, “You know, we can ask for your help or something..?”

Joohyun blinked, dumbfounded by this change in reality. Were they really talking to her? They were asking for her help. It was the first time someone actually talked to her like this. It felt weird. It felt…nice.

“O-Okay,” Joohyun found herself stuttering, lowering her head bashfully, “I don’t mind…”

The girls squealed in delight and dragged chairs to sit around her desk. Joohyun started her mini lesson, feeling quite odd. Her hands turned clammy and cold, her blood rushing faster than usual. They laughed and told unrelated jokes, bubbles of giggles surrounding Joohyun.

The feeling was foreign but though her hands were cold from nerves, her chest bubbled with warmth; a little unsure, but steadily rising.

For the first time, Joohyun felt accepted.

 

***

 

Friends.

What an unfamiliar word.

For some reason, it put in the excitement in Joohyun’s blood that makes her rise and go to school, tolerating the undying stares that came from almost everywhere. She had become a bit more cheerful since that encounter, a flicker of hope seen in the dull darkness.

Slowly, day by day, she let herself go. She let lose, little by little; starting from a little smile stretching to a wide grin and eventually being able to laugh out loud. She had found a place among her peers. She wasn’t an outcast anymore. It was warm.

Joohyun had always liked warmth.

It was always something she lacked. Not that her family weren’t loving but they had the same personality as her. They don’t like to shower and overwhelm others. They had always been on the subtle side, showing warmth so little at a time it was almost unnoticeable.

Joohyun had always wondered how it felt like to be pampered with that warmth.

And so she would seek for it, crave it, and had begun to rely on it greatly so. In the back of her mind, she knew it wasn’t healthy to become so attached in such a short matter of time but she ignored logic and continued to gamble her trust for more of that warmth.

 “Alright, kids. Shut your mouths now.” their homeroom teacher, Mr. Kang, slammed his hand on the table multiple times until the noise died down. Joohyun sluggishly lifted her head from the desk, frowning and squinting at the middle-aged man.

“We have a transferee with us today,” Mr. Kang turned to the door and gestured the student to come in.

Joohyun looked over in curiosity as the door opened and a boy stepped in. Murmurs and whispers erupted. The girls in the class chattered excitedly. The boys looked him up and down before scoffing.

“Hey, isn’t he super cute?” one of her new friends seated next to her whispered.

Joohyun looked at him; black hair, pale skin. Huh. She shrugged, “I don’t know. He doesn’t look much.”

“Ey,” she punched her shoulder lightly, “I guess after all those guys chasing after you, and you’ve lost interest in them, huh?”

Joohyun thought about it, “Yeah. Something like that.”

(She missed the scoff and the inaudible mutter of ‘how conceited’)

“Hi everyone,” the new kid bowed, “I’m Kim Junmyeon. Please take care of me.”

 

***

 

The new kid was a headache.

Everybody, including Joohyun’s circle of friends, talked about him. She faked interest, though she really couldn’t quite comprehend what the hype was all about. She personally thought the guy was a bit annoying. While they would compare him to a Greek god, Joohyun would compare him to a mosquito.

He lingered around, buzzing irritatingly every day. He would relentlessly try to get Joohyun’s attention; inviting her to eat lunch together, to eat rice cakes after class, or to eat sushi during breaks. She was starting to worry if he had an obsession with eating.

“Hey, Junmyeon seems to be interested in you,”

Joohyun looked up from her lunch and made a face, “He’s interested in eating, I tell you.”

“What? What are you talking about?”

Joohyun shook her head, waving the topic off, “It’s just he keeps on asking me to eat with him. Poor guy must be lonely,”

Her friends stared at her in disbelief.

(Too bad she missed the fleeting appearance of a hostile green-eyed monster in their gaze)

“He’s asking you out, you idiot!”

They started howling and whistling and squealing and playfully hitting her. Joohyun had no idea what they were on about but she laughed anyway.

“Wow, he’s, like, the first one who actually has courage to approach you, huh?”

“Maybe you should give him a chance, Joohyun-ah. He seems like a keeper. A cute one at that.”

“That’s right! Date him!”

Joohyun blinked. From eating together to dating. That escalated quickly. “But I don’t like him though? Isn’t dating for two people who like each other?”

Her friends stared at her and laughed.

“Aww, our cute innocent Joohyunnie. You really should try dating so you won’t be too naïve.”

Joohyun, little gullible Joohyun tilted her head to the side, seriously considering their advice.

(And not, even once, detecting the insincerity in their voice)

 

***

 

Beauty.

A word that was often associated with her and yet Joohyun herself wasn’t sure what its real definition is. Was it the blooming flowers in spring? Or perhaps the warm sunlight of summer? Maybe even the falling leaves of autumn? Or the cold, harsh charm of winter?

The answer to her questions came sooner than she thought.

For a change, Joohyun stared out of the windows of their classroom, ignoring the stares she got from the hallway and just spaced out. She was getting tired of hiding. She even considered telling the people off. Besides, she now has friends to back her up.

Propping her cheek to one fist, Joohyun contemplated and just when she mentally laughed the idea off and was about to lie down again, a figure passing by caught her eye.

It was fast and swift; the passing of long, silky ebony tresses and purple backpack was but a blur. Before she could think about it further, a tap on her shoulder diverted her attention with a flinch. Joohyun turned and found herself looking at a fidgeting Kim Junmyeon.

“I…uh…can we talk? In private, I mean.”

Joohyun looked at him and felt pity for the obviously nervous guy. “Okay.”

They walked out of the room and Kim Junmyeon led her to the secluded area behind their school building. The guy then just stood there, squirming. Joohyun patiently waited, wondering what he was going to tell her.

“I’m…uh…” he took a deep breath, “I like you, Joohyun.”

Joohyun continued to stare at him, nodding once, “Thank you.”

“You see, um…” the guy fidgeted more than ever, “Let’s…Let’s date..?”

It was a terrible confession. Her friends’ words replayed in her mind, telling her to give it a shot. Yet her tongue refused to move. She didn’t like this guy that way. Joohyun had always been quite particular on what she wants and does not.

But before she could form a word of rejection, something purple fell right on top her head, draping over her eyes and covering her entire face. Joohyun yelped in surprise. She inhaled and caught the fragrance of fabric conditioner. She liked this kind of scents.

“Oh my god! I’m so sorry! Are you okay?”

The voice sounded far up from above. Joohyun removed the cloth from her head and looked up.

Peering down from a window somewhere on the third floor was the girl from earlier who caught her attention. Their gazes locked and she smiled like a blooming flower.

Blooming flowers in spring.

“I’m sorry about that!”

“It’s…okay.” Joohyun doubted the girl heard her pipsqueak voice but the latter held out a hand, signaling for her to wait. Joohyun nodded despite not quite understanding and the girl disappeared back inside.

Sighing, Joohyun carefully folded the shirt, taking her time to organize her thoughts and form them into words before looking up to meet Kim Junmyeon’s eyes.

“Thank you for liking me but I’m afraid dating won’t be possible.” Joohyun stepped back and started to walk away. A swift grip on her wrist stopped her.

“Wait. You don’t have to answer now.”

“Today or tomorrow or the day after even until next year, I’m afraid my answer will still be the same.”

“But—”

“The girl said no already. Don’t you understand Korean?” a new voice said.

Joohyun turned. It’s the girl who dropped her purple shirt. The latter approached her and put her arm around her shoulder. Joohyun tensed at the sudden touch, watching the girl with wide eyes.

“Back off now, hoobae.” she told Kim Junmyeon with a sharp glare that would make snowflakes warmer in comparison and dragged a stunned Joohyun inside the building.

The cold harsh charm of winter.

“Are you okay?” the girl asked as soon as they were out of earshot, her voice seeped with the warmth of concern, “I swear, boys are just insufferable,”

“Yeah…I’m fine.” Joohyun handed the shirt to her, “Here.”

“Oh. Thanks,” she smiled like the sun—the warm sunlight of summer—before pouting, “I’m sorry about earlier, by the way. My classmate and I were fooling around and my shirt accidentally jumped off the window. Didn’t know it would drop straight on your head though,” she giggled, “That was funny.”

Joohyun smiled. This girl’s talkative but she didn’t mind. Her voice sounded nice. Listening to her calmed her down—like the falling leaves of autumn. She listened attentively as she chattered and in the midst of it all, she found her answer.

Beauty is not always found in the blooming flowers of spring, the warm sunlight of summer, the falling leaves of autumn, nor in the cold, harsh charm of winter. Sometimes, true beauty lies in the depths of one’s heart. Sometimes, all of those embodiments of beauty lie all in one within one person.

And as Joohyun watched her talk about everything and nothing all at once, her eyes brightening up, lips curved to a smile, she thought she was beautiful.

 

***

 

“I can’t go grab rice cakes with you guys today.” Joohyun dejectedly told her friends as they arrive at the gates, “Got dance lessons to go to,”

“Oh, that’s too bad. We’re gonna open a bottle of soju or two,”

Joohyun frowned, “You’re minors. You can’t drink.”

They laughed, “Ah, as expected of our good girl Joohyunnie. It’s okay no one would know anyway,”

Joohyun was still frowning, concerned. “Be careful.”

“Yes, mother!”

They part ways with laughter and Joohyun heads straight to the studio for her dance lessons. She had always liked dancing. It was an outlet for an introverted person like her to express her feelings and the feeling of getting the moves right and on beat was satisfying. It was her passion.

“How was school?” her mentor asked as they took a break.

Joohyun smiled, “It’s fun.”

The woman raised her brows, “Fun? That’s new. Have you been making friends?”

Joohyun’s smile grew and she nodded, “Yep. They’re wonderful people.”

Her mentor ruffled her hair fondly, “Aigoo, our Joohyun is really growing, huh? With that look in your face, I’m guessing you love your friends so much?”

Her smile was soft, eyes spilling honey when she answered, “Of course.”

The class ended late and when Joohyun stepped out of the building, it was already dark. She walked home since their house was just a few blocks away. Her mind wandered, going to the purple-loving senior. They had not spoken much to each other since, though during every gym class Joohyun would always go to her classroom with the excuse of borrowing gym clothes just to see her. It was her first time feeling such interest toward someone.

(She had started to gain a liking towards the color purple too)

Life has been good to her nowadays, gifting her friends whom she can have fun with and an admirable senior that she really liked. She felt happy.

Mentally occupied, she wasn’t paying attention when she crossed the street.

(As if Life was laughing at her, wondering, who did she think she was, feeling happy in this harsh, cruel world.)

“Joohyun-ah! Bae Joohyun!”

Too late.

Her mind barely registers the voice calling her name as she turned and found herself facing bright, blaring headlights fast approaching. The car honks multiple times yet Joohyun found her feet rooted on the asphalt, eyes wide with fear.

Is this the end? Is she going to die?

Everything happened so fast. It was a blur when she felt herself being shoved before hitting the ground knee-first with a nasty crack. Pain shot up her spine, making her gulp in a lungful of air. She curled on the pavement, howling and cradling her right knee with tears in her eyes. Tires screeched and she squinted through pain and saw a figure lying on the street, wearing a familiar purple tracksuit.

“Unnie,” she gasped and scrambled to her feet, ignoring the aches of protest from her knee. She barely registered the offensive car driving off, no doubt running away from its crime. She gathered her into her arms, noticing the nasty gash on her temple where the scent of blood wafted over to her nose. Joohyun’s heart frantically throbbed. She shakily reached for her phone and called for an ambulance, frustratingly hitting the wrong numbers a few times before finally getting it right.

She looked at her unconscious face sprinkled with scratches and sobbed into her neck. Please be okay.

 

***

 

Her entire life flashed before her eyes; her passion, her dreams, her aspirations.

And she saw them all crumble down to nearly nothing.

She stared at the white cast wrapped around her leg and listened to her heart. It was quite silent. She couldn’t point out what she was feeling but maybe she wasn’t feeling anything at all, having gone numb and had yet to get out of shock.

“What do you mean she can’t dance anymore?” her father’s booming voice sounded so far away.

“She can still dance but not after a few years. Proper treatment should quicken her recovery and she’d be able to recuperate in just a year at best, though she might not be able to use her leg in its full potential.”

“And at worst?”

“She might not recover at all.”

With her father’s sigh and her parents’ heavy stare, Joohyun could feel her shoulders sinking under the weight of guilt. All this wouldn’t have happened if she watched where she’s going.

“Joohyun, honey,” her mother sat beside her, trying to meet her gaze, “What do you think? Are you okay with undergoing treatment?”

“You don’t have to, Mom.” she replied, already listing down the ramifications in her head. With her little sister’s and her school tuition along with their other expenses and the additional fee of getting her knee fixed, paying for her treatment as well would be a burden for her parents. She won’t be able to continue her part-time jobs in the meantime because of her injury. It wasn’t ideal. “I can always just quit—”

“She’ll be receiving treatment.” her father interjected.

“Dad—”

“What does she need to do?” he kept his eyes on the doctor. With the set of her father’s jaw, Joohyun knew his mind was made up. Sighing, she returned to staring at her knee as the doctor droned on about what the treatment would be like. She couldn’t quite imagine the metal rod implanted underneath her flesh.

Just then, Joohyun heard a loud honk from the open window and flinched. Suddenly, she was struggling for breath. An ache attacked her head so strong she doubled over and clutched at her temples, squeezing her eyes shut but that was counterproductive. In her closed eyes, she saw a fast car approaching and a figure getting hit, dropping to the ground with blood steadily pooling around her.

Fear and panic rose in her stomach, suffocating her. Her heart raced as though trying to run away from the acute terror growing in her gut. She felt cold, so cold she started to tremble.

“Hyun-ah! Joohyun!” she heard her parents’ voice and forced her eyes open, seeing blurry images of the man and woman. She wiped off her tears and frantically looked around for the doctor who loomed over her as well.

“Please take deep breaths, Miss Bae. Deep Breaths.”

Joohyun ignored him, continuing to take in short and quick breaths, “W-Where is she? Th-That unnie. Where is she?” she desperately clutched his arm, trying to seek answers in his bespectacled eyes.

“Miss Han?” he asked and Joohyun vehemently nodded. “I can tell you but not before you calm down.”

She tried to relax, taking in deep breaths as told but not letting go of the man’s arm.

“Miss Han has already been moved to a bigger hospital in Seoul. I’m afraid she’s in a bit of a critical condition.” the doctor bowed his head remorsefully, “I’m sorry, Miss Bae.”

Joohyun slumped against the headrest. She was in a critical condition. She was dying and it’s all because of her. It’s all her fault. It’s—

Another series of honks came from the window and Joohyun jumped, the fear and panic once again stirring. Her parents seem to have noticed and rushed to close the open glass. Her mother pulled her in her arms and she nuzzled into her neck. Inhaling the familiar scent calmed her down.

“Mr. and Mrs Bae, can I have a word with you outside, please?” the doctor said, stepping out of the room first.

The married couple exchanged looks that didn’t go unnoticed by Joohyun and followed him out.

 

***

 

Instead of attending her dance lessons every after school, Joohyun went straight at home instead. She was required to visit the hospital twice a week for the monitoring of her knee’s condition. She also started receiving psychological help.

Post-traumatic disorder. Joohyun figured it out the moment her parents and the doctor walked out of her hospital room. Walking along the streets had become a huge pain in the (mostly in the head) as the smallest sounds to just a car passing by would startle her and reignite the fear sitting in her gut so she started taking the long way back through the alleyways.

It has become like that, repeatedly. Day after day. A routine.

She started getting up every day feeling like a robot with zero motivation to live her life and going to bed every night thinking about the incident, blaming herself, and tears lulling her to sleep.

Her friends at school had been distancing themselves from her as well. Joohyun could sense it. They no longer talked to her as much and she didn’t mind. She wanted to be alone.

“Hey, did you hear? The accident almost killed that senior from 4-A,”

Joohyun had just finished doing her business in one of the stalls and was about to go out when she heard familiar voices talking. They were her friends. But for some reason she couldn’t bring herself to go out when they brought up the accident. Her hand gripped the knob tight.

“I heard. I heard, okay?” her other friend suddenly snapped, “You don’t need to remind me.”

“But…it’s just…”

“What? You feel guilty? It wasn’t our fault!” she insisted, “That wench Joohyun was supposed to be the one to get hit but the fool went in the way.”

“Soeun, we were drunk…”

A scoff. “Well, I don’t regret what we could have done and what we have done and I bet the others don’t too. I heard she turned Junmyeon down. What a show-off. I bet she likes all the attention. She’s a total , isn’t she? Just because she has a pretty face she thinks she’s all that,”

A gasp. “Wait, I thought you were friends?” asked an unfamiliar voice.

A laugh. “You actually bought that? It was all an act! Why the hell would I befriend that conceited witch?” another series of guffaws, “Ah, I really should have done it properly and run her over, seriously.” their voices grew smaller and smaller as they got out of the restroom.

In the cubicle, Joohyun dropped to the floor with a thud, knees having no strength to hold her up. Her vision blurred, tears pooling. She raised a shaky hand to cover .

What is this feeling? Her other hand clutched her chest where it felt empty and hollow. She felt everything and nothing all at once. A rush of emotions yet also a blank void.

Tears fell without her noticing, one after another in a steady flow. Is this how betrayal feels like? Too quiet and numb yet as seconds tick, a vice slowly gripped her chest and squeezed in the most slow and excruciating way. She buried her face in her palms, hoping to muffle her sobs.

Soon, tears are dry and no longer streaming and the world seemed a bit too dull. The ache in her chest was gone and she felt nothing, not even the throbbing of her own heart and she briefly wondered if she was still alive.

The people she called friends were the ones driving that damned car.

The people she called friends almost killed Joohyun.

The people she called friends almost killed her.

Joohyun stared blankly at the wall of the cubicle, once molten eyes now hardening into a cold volcanic rock.

The warmth that she stocked up in her chest had turned cold.

Joohyun hated the cold.

But it’s the cold that preserves and numbs her aching heart.

 

***

 

Mending a heart isn’t easy.

Joohyun picked up the broken pieces of hers, fumbling with the duct tape to put them back together again, gaining scratches and cuts especially at night when she’s alone in her bedroom staring at the ceiling with sleep nowhere to be found and thoughts overbearing, piling up in her head.

She refused to transfer out of her school. Transferring would be a hassle. And transferring would mean that she had been defeated. That she had backed down from the fight. Joohyun wasn’t about to lose anytime soon much less forfeit.

She faced those people every day and steered clear off their path. A day after another, she slowly built her fortress—her first line of defense. Brick after brick, one thick sheet of metal after another; she steadily put up walls around her heart, even a doming roof to tuck her vulnerability in.

She wore cold metal armor on her chest, a sharp, straight-forward sword on her tongue, and shield of caution on both her ears.

Bae Joohyun will never be fooled again.

(She will never hurt. Never experience the pain of betrayal once more.)

So when she moves to Seoul after graduating high school to continue her studies and meets her roommate, she hadn’t been exactly amiable.

Regardless, this girl with the same name and age as hers remained patient and understanding, not once planting hate in her heart for the cold shoulder she’s been receiving. Seo Juhyun, ever so kind and caring offered warmth and Joohyun stared at that flame, gaze filled with hesitation. Fire is warm and nice but it burned and leaves behind cold ashes after wreaking fiery havoc.

It took time but Juhyun with her heart of gold managed to break through the walls Joohyun had painstakingly built. She managed to enter into her heart and thawed the ice that has surrounded it like molds.

Joohyun’s scared yet she figured out, after some time, that rekindling the flame in her heart wouldn’t be so bad if it was for Juhyun.

 

***

 

Juhyun ended up studying in a different university and they had to say good-bye, as the former finally had to move to a place closer to her school, having enough of  two years travelling long hours from their shared apartment to her university.

And Joohyun was alone again.

Juhyun often called and her voice kept Joohyun company. But mostly, it was silent and cold and sad. She often felt homesick, missing Mom’s homemade dishes and Dad’s cheesy jokes. She had too much vacant time in her hands and as much as she wanted to take up a part-time job if just to deal with her idleness, her father wouldn’t hear the end of it. Working might tire her knee out, he reasoned and so part-time jobs were out of the question.

She had enrolled into Dongguk University. People had treated her the way they did back in her high school; they put her up in a pedestal no one could reach and looks upon her from afar like she’s an expensive painting displayed in a museum, alarms blaring if one would ever so slightly try to touch and harm the art.

(Of course, with all the attention also comes the loathing envy. Joohyun didn’t mind them. She had grown used to it and had gone through so much worse. What’s a couple of words going to do to someone almost run over by a car driven by her so-called friends?)

Unlike her the people in her high school, people in college were a bit more courageous. They went after her, gifted her all sorts of things, courted her and tried to win her heart over with their charming smiles and fashionable hair.

Receiving their affection had been flattering but Joohyun was sick and tired of it. She lashed with her sword of a tongue and defended with her cautious shield. For them it was courtship. For her it was a battle—an ugly, bloody war she wages every single day and somehow gets out victorious from.

She turned them down, one by one, thanking them for finding her attractive and then moving in to inflict pain with harsh, blunt words to keep the guy from approaching her ever again. Sure enough, most of them would run off crying and the next day would badmouth the girl they used to sing praises for. It went like that until she had earned herself a reputation and men had become cautious of her, keeping their distance and admiring her beauty from afar.

Among this chaos, she took up dance major. It was hard since her knee had just recovered but she went through with it, being extra careful with her footwork and informing the professor about her problem. Fortunately, she understood but it still wasn’t easy. She had gone through a lot of frustrating tear-stained days.

And most of it, she went through alone.

Until that day.

Joohyun was in the practice room, resting in the corner with a bottle of water after an hour of non-stop dancing. The room was silent. She was alone and had turned off the music while she took her break. They were having a competition for some interschool event and she had to work extra hard.

For some reason, her muscle memory wasn’t working quite well. Maybe it was the stress from school load and the pressure for the competition. Either way, she was down in a slump she had no idea how to get out of.

Being a person who keeps to herself, Joohyun was used to carrying burdens alone. She often kept problems to herself and solving them by herself. It was tough but she managed, not really wanting to burden others with her emotional load. (Not that she had other people to share her baggage with)

But at that moment, the weight on her shoulders felt particularly heavier.

It was frustrating, how she couldn’t seem to get any of the moves right. No matter how many times she tried, it was still wrong. Negativities started to plague her mind. She started to think that maybe what people thought about her was right. She was nothing more than a pretty face.

She buried her face in her hands, groaning and trying hard not to cry. Funny how one thing gets you down and you start to think about every single bad thing that happened in your life. Her mind opened up to the darkest of her past, wondering what the hell was wrong with her. What was it about her that people just seemed to…hate? Should she have been a better person, a little more outgoing and a little less pretty, would the world accept her as she is?

She swallowed down the growing lump in and turned her head up, trying to prevent the gathering tears from falling.

Suddenly, in the stillness of the room, a muffled strumming of guitar echoed.

And a melodic voice followed.

I stare at my reflection in the mirror

Why am I doing this to myself?

Joohyun’s head snapped to the left where the voice was coming from; the music room. That’s right. Their rooms were placed beside each other and the school didn’t even bother putting up soundproof walls between two equally loud places. Joohyun often complained about it, not being able to practice properly with the music coming from the other side.

Losing my mind on a tiny error,

I nearly left the real me on the shelf

No, no, no, no, no

The voice was wonderful and all sorts of soothing. Comfort washed over Joohyun as she listened, tears pooling in her eyes despite her efforts of holding it in. She put her hand over her chest, wondering, what is this feeling?

Don’t lose who you are, in the blur of the stars

Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing.

It’s okay not to be okay

Sometimes it’s hard to follow your heart

It was magical how the barriers of her heart crumbled down just because of a beautiful voice that carried warmth and reassurance.

Warmth.

Joohyun loved warmth.

Tears don’t mean you’re losing, everybody’s bruising.

Just be true to who you are

And just like that, her shield of cautiousness falls down with a clang and she cried without hesitation, baring her heart and sobbing at the walls that didn’t seem to close in on her anymore. She’s found comfort and support from an unknown voice, taking the heavy load from her shoulders in a swift swoop that didn’t leave behind guilt.

The song ended and it took her a while to realize. When she did, Joohyun scrambled to her feet and thoughtlessly ran to the door, stumbling and wiping off her tears as she burst out of the room while the door just beside simultaneously opened, a figure stepping out.

Joohyun stared in awe at the girl whose face was as beautiful as her voice. The singer flinched at her sudden appearance, surprised, and offered a smile that was small but shone like a beacon in the dark and Joohyun found herself blanking out, the brightness a hard slap on her face that left her stunned.

With a small bow, the girl is walking away and Joohyun instinctively stepped forward, hand reaching out to stop her only to freeze, her cautiousness back up again and warning her, telling her to think things over.

She watched the girl whose guitar case slung on her bag was bigger than her petite frame walk away farther and farther, figure becoming smaller and smaller, and soon disappearing around the corner.

Joohyun sighed, tried to push the girl off her mind and go back inside the practice room when something blue on the floor caught her eye.

A nametag.

She leaned down and gingerly took it between her fingers, thumb running over the name written in a loopy, bubbly handwriting.

Son Seungwan.

 

***

 

Ever since she attended Dongguk University, Joohyun had never tried to talk to anyone unless it was necessary. Approaching people and starting up a conversation or even keeping up with it stressed her out so she’d rather keep to herself than try and make friends.

However, for Son Seungwan, the girl with magical voice that offered her comfort, she went out of her way and asked a few people but not without eyeing them, making sure they’re safe to talk to.

“Excuse me, do you happen to know someone named ‘Son Seungwan’? Probably from music department?” she would ask and the response would usually be either a stunned stare or a shake of a head followed by a “No, I’m sorry.”

When she thought she’s asked enough people (five was just too much), Joohyun wondered if the girl was real or just a figment of her imagination; someone her tired brain had conjured in order to deal with the stress. The girl did seem surreal.

Until one day, Joohyun, for a change, decided to eat in the crowded cafeteria because her favorite coffee shop was closed. The place was filled with students and collective chatters too noisy for Joohyun’s liking. Annoyed, she took out her phone and was about to plug her earphones in when a certain girl with a smile brighter than her loud blonde hair arrived and caught her eye.

The girl whose name was still engraved in her head in that loopy penmanship, and whose voice still remained playing, comforting Joohyun when her demons attack her at night; Son Seungwan

Without knowing, Joohyun stood from her seat like a fool and stared at the girl who sat a few tables from hers with an entourage of girls and boys alike whose body language says that the girl draws them in and it’s reasonable. With that warm smile and welcoming gaze, it’s hard not to get attracted.

Realizing she’s standing for no reason, Joohyun sat back, a bit embarrassed. She continued to discreetly watch Son Seungwan from afar, noting how good the girl looked with blonde hair, red flannel, and blue jeans. Son Seungwan did not haul a guitar with her today but she did bring a huge tote bag that looked heavy and Joohyun wondered if she brought her entire house.

Then, as though sensing her bewilderment, the girl started taking out dozens of packages of what looked like cookies and started handing them out to everyone at their table.

“Ah, that Wendy girl’s at it again, huh? Aigoo, that freshman really is something.”

Joohyun briefly glanced behind her and saw the students looking at Son Seungwan’s table. She tilted her head to the side curiously. Wendy? Who’s Wendy?

“That’s the bright side of being her friend. It’s like befriending a literal angel. When did she even find time to bake those? I barely even sleep because of the projects, damn.”

Joohyun blinked and put two and two together. Wendy…is Son Seungwan? Why is she called Wendy? Why does she have two names?

She stared holes into her lunch as she critically thought, frustrated at the possibility of not getting an answer. She was so immersed in her thought, coming up with all situations from rational to ridiculous, that she failed to notice Son Seungwan’s gaze setting on her, the girl standing up and approaching her table. She failed to notice that the girl whose voice sings her to sleep had stopped just beside her seat until she knocked softly on the tabletop, making Joohyun flinch.

“I’m sorry. Did I startle you?”

Joohyun jumped in her seat again and looked up, almost screaming aloud at the sight. The sun was shining bright and directly down at her. How could Son Seungwan smile like that? Was it because her teeth were so white? What toothpaste does she even use? Sunlight?

But as much as Joohyun was curious and interested in this girl Son Seungwan or Wendy or whatever, she’s Joohyun and Joohyun is wary and cautious, like a wounded cat that would jump and bolt away anytime it senses the smallest, tiniest movement.

“No. It’s okay. What can I do for you?” her voice sounded stoic and cold even in her own ears.

“Well…” Son Seungwan fidgeted and started to ramble, “I, uh, baked some cookies for my friends but it turned out my calculations wasn’t right and there’s this extra package and I noticed you sitting alone right here so, uh, cookies to brighten up your day?” she offered the tiny package with a hopeful smile.

Joohyun stared at the cookies then back to the girl holding them, basking in the warmth of her smile and the friendliness in her eyes.

“No thank you. My day is already bright enough,” thanks to you.

But the sun faltered, suddenly covered with clouds.

“O-Oh. Um. Of course. Sorry for bothering you.” The girl smiled apologetically and bowed before heading back to their table but her figure looked slumped and not as bright as before.

Joohyun tilted her head to the side. Did she say something wrong?

 

***

 

Son Seungwan, or widely known as Wendy Son—a first year music student from Canada and allegedly came from a family of conglomerates, though the girl herself hadn’t said anything regarding the matter. A transfer student from abroad but it didn’t take long for people to like her. Everything about the girl was likeable. People dubbed her Wendy ‘Perfect’ Son what with her endless list of talents, superior intelligence, heavy wallet, and golden heart. Everyone always had something good to say about her.

All these, Joohyun found out before the day was even over.

(It was amazing, how much intel one could acquire just by sitting close enough a group of chatty girls for only fifteen minutes more or less.)

Somehow, Joohyun always found herself crossing paths with the girl, her bright blonde hair always an eye catcher. Son Seungwan would always be amiable and smiling, treating others with care and warmth.

Warmth.

Joohyun had always liked warmth.

(And so she often found herself looking at the girl with admiration, a tiny flower bud blooming in the cold fortress that is her heart, feeding off sunlight smiles that managed to enter through the tiny gaps)

During Tuesdays and Thursdays, Son Seungwan would be at the music room at three to five in the afternoon while Joohyun would simultaneously be next door, dance practices momentarily forgotten as she idly listens to the girl practicing songs instead.

Joohyun had got a new pastime and hobby; listening to Son Seungwan sing.

When the term ended, Joohyun found herself looking for the melodic voice, often plucking it from memories to replay in her head whenever things get tough and weight starts piling on her shoulders again.

She thought it was harmless at first. She was just appreciating how the girl’s beautiful voice went along well with the songs and how soothing she sounds. There’s nothing wrong with acknowledging art and beauty.

However, sunny smiles and twinkling eyes started to go along with the song in her head and it scared her. It was when Joohyun found herself reminiscing not only the songs but also the singer that she finally decided that it was enough. Okay, that’s it, she had thought, this is not good.

She couldn’t actually have developed a crush on a stranger, could she?

When the next term started and Joohyun happened to see Son Seungwan walking along the hallway, hair dyed from sunflowers to violets and looking gorgeous in a cream-colored knit sweater, she had internally panicked; heart rampaging and nerves frayed and all the girl did was pass her by, leaving traces of vanilla in her wake.

Oh god, she’s totally crushing.

 

***

 

Joohyun thought she had been doing a great job in keeping her tiny crush in, preventing its growth as much as possible by avoiding the girl at all cost. Liking someone like Son Seungwan would be problematic for her. The girl was most probably straight anyway. Straight and wealthy; the worst combination. She must be in an arranged marriage with some random rich jerk. It was pointless to pine after someone intangible.

And of course, that’s when she found a body bumping against hers, spilling cold coffee all over her precious white t-shirt. She had been this close to raging, internally going wild because her.white.shirt. WHITE.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry!” the girl exclaimed, fussing over her. “I’m so sorry! I wasn’t looking—ah, what do I do? Your shirt’s ruined! Oh my god, I’m really sorry. I didn’t see—”

“It’s fine,” she interjected, grabbing her wrist before she could even wipe at unnecessary parts. She opened again, ready to give the clumsy girl a scolding when said girl looked up and anything that Joohyun was about to say got stuck in , initial anger dissipating into one blank, stunned, incoherent thought: ohakdnfdsdngkmyjdksngkfgod

Son Seungwan looked at her with those spectacled soft brown eyes that seemed to have glazed over and time seemed to stop, the world seemed to cease revolving, and Joohyun was getting a bit dramatic but wow she’s much more gorgeous up close.

She should stop looking this pretty in Joohyun’s eyes. That would be problematic.

“I’m so sorry. I should have watched where I was going but—”

“It’s okay, really.” Joohyun tried to smile, tried her best to return the cheerful smile that always brightened up her day, but the sticky feeling of her shirt against her skin was irritating and Joohyun was sensitive with her laundry. She told the girl that she had a spare and prayed she did, just to quickly get out of there, away from Son Seungwan and into the showers.

“Wait!” a hand encircled her wrist and Joohyun’s heart paused. She sighed, hating the effect the girl had on her. It made her feel weak and vulnerable. “It may be okay for you but for me it’s not. Please let me pay you back? A cup of coffee maybe?”

“I don’t drink coffee,” she snapped, refusing to look at Son Seungwan in the eye. She trained her gaze on her lips instead.

“Oh. Of course. Something else then. Anything you like?” she smiled her smile that cures cancer and lights up the world.

Okay, bad choice. Joohyun moved her eyes to the girl’s cheek and smiled back just for the sake of it, wanting everything to be over and done with.

“No thanks,” she moved to leave but the girl tightened her grip.

“I insist. Please.”

Joohyun was annoyed. Annoyed that she’s actually crushing on this stubborn girl, annoyed that her heart was about to go crazy in her ribs, and annoyed that her shirt felt so sticky and cold and she couldn’t even find a heart to be angry about it because it’s Son Seungwan.

(And Joohyun actually had the nerve to find it cute. Seriously, what’s so cute about spilling coffee?)

This is bad. She should really get her feelings in check and lock them up thousand miles behind the line.

“Then I’d like it if you just forget about it,” she bowed, dying to get out of there already, “Have a good day,”

 

***

 

“I’m not looking for friendship, Wendy-ssi.”

The bold and brazen Joohyun who cornered Son Seungwan with confidence, barging into her comfort zone, and whispering not-so-subtle hints was nowhere to be found. The Joohyun now was a mess with no ounce of poise as she tossed and her bed, screaming into her pillow because what the hell was she thinking?

She lied on her back and sighed. Son Seungwan had been too close nowadays and Joohyun hated the fact that she turns all jelly and soft so much that she always come off a little too cold and rough on the edges, afraid that if she didn’t, her heart would be a piece of cake to read.

(It required a lot of self-control and fortunately, she had a huge stock)

And there’s always that wounded part of her who’s afraid of trusting and believing, filled with hesitation and wariness. She couldn’t let anyone get too close. Not even the girl with an enchanting voice that soothed her pain when ghosts of the past lingered around.

She spent the night awake on her bed, wondering what Son Seungwan would do and think of the words she said earlier that day. She hoped the girl would take her warning and stay away from her. Things would be easier then.

But alas, the next day Son Seungwan had seated herself beside Joohyun with the most determined look on her face, telling her that she would take the risk of staying close to her because…

You’re worth it.

Joohyun’s heart had stumbled and warmth managed to break through a wall, shining down on the growing bud and making it grow.

By then, Joohyun knew with a sense of helpless acceptance that there will be no stopping her fall.