27 January 2018.

Dear Jjong,

I've honestly been avoiding your songs for days... I haven't been able to come up with this letter earlier because really, I wasn't ready.

But today, is a special day. It's been 40 days.. I knew I had to do this today. I knew I can never avoid this forever.

Firstly, thank you for these beautiful songs. My heart still aches while I watch them but still, I felt happy. I felt the comfort. This album will be your last that we'll be seeing from you. But honestly, I couldn't be more grateful that this album has been released.

I'm so happy because my Christmas wish came true.

After years and years, I thought of Christmas as just a lonely occasion. I had zero desire to make wishes. Last year, making my first Christmas wish in years, it really came true. 

God, thank You.

I'm not going to ask for more, even though deep inside I know that I do. This is more than enough.

Jonghyun-ah, 

you must be really happy up there. The weather has been amazing these days. It was cold, but I felt warm. These days also felt merely depressing for me. Life is getting so difficult, I thought of despicable ways to end them.

Suicide?

But then I thought that you wouldn't like to see this. After all, I did promise you that I'll live my life happily and show you my accomplishments.

It's a challenge. 

I don't know. I can give up anytime from now, and maybe my friends and family won't even care. From every aspect, I'm suffering. I'm able to cope up till now all because of you, Jjong.

With this, thank you. Still, I still have yet to reach my maximum limit. Nobody knows when, or where. People prefer to see the happy side of me, but inside I was dying.

Nowadays, I thought, "So this must be what Jonghyun has been feeling all this time." It's the feeling of self-dissatisfaction, the feeling of not being able to express yourself fully.

It's so dumb, you know? I've showed people how my other side is, and they acknowledge it. They know that I'm suffering. The most stupid thing is that they don't care. I've never felt so unwanted before. 

Love has kept me going, but I'm going to give up on love. It's a lonely battle, but with you I know I'll get through this. Maybe. 

I keep wanting to end everything. I would say, "Screw this. I want death."

Maybe that way, I can stop all these feelings of loneliness and pain. 

Don't worry. Whoever's reading this, I'm still alright. I have my conscience. I'm giving myself until the end of this year. 

Specifically,

18th of December.

Until then, I will still find purposes to live. Life is definitely worth it, and we all know that. 

This hasn't been all I've been wanting to express. I just don't know how.

There are so many things that I want to do this year. I can't leave those hanging.

Oh, I forgot to mention that my friend and I have been going on with a poem. It's for an English project. When my teacher told us that we were free to choose any topic, I immediately thought of you.

So.. this poem is for you. Sure, it's not the best, but it expresses enough. It contains only four stanzas which I wasn't able to put more of my feelings in, and I'm not very satisfied with it. But this is enough for now. 

Without a proper goodbye,

You decided to change your fate.

We kept wondering.. "why?"

But then it was too late.

It's okay to admit that you're lonely,

It's okay to say that you're hurt.

With time everything will be right eventually

Even if depression slowly lurks.

With a heavy heart I say,

"Thank you for all that you have done."

But at the very end of the day,

It still felt so burdensome.

"Just tell me that I did good,"

This was what you wished to hear.

"You have worked so hard,"

We repeated say with a tear.

"Life is a continuation of meetings and farewells. Because of that, I believe that we grow. Immediately, you will regret it, you will feel sad and you will cry but, we will meet again."

We will meet again.

I'll listen to your songs well. 

수고 했어요. 정말 고생 했어요.

You've done really really well, Jonghyun-ah.

사랑해, 김종현.

Utmostly yours,

재이.