Hey Jjong, 

Did you feel something was missing? Did you realise that 18.4 wasn't published? Did you realise I didn't post a birthday message for you?

Maybe not here, but I did it deep in my heart.

I was thinking, rather than putting it up here on the day itself, why not I just spend the day just being as close to the sky as possible? Why not I try to connect with you without using the Internet?

So I did just that.

8th April 2018, was your birthday.

I said Happy Birthday when it struck midnight. I remember whispering it out before listening to your songs. I remember crying out loud even though it was supposed to be a happy day. I had 23 hours and 59 minutes more to spend with you for your birthday.

So now, again, Happy Belated Birthday.

I miss you too much. Pain is supposed to subside as time goes by but why do I still feel so hopeless?

Every time I listen to your songs, I would think, "He's amazing. How did we deserve to have such a perfect man on earth?"

Right then I would realise, "He's not here anymore. He cannot sing for us anymore. We can never see him again."

I keep saying this, but what could I do?

You're gone.

So.. about a week later..

18th April 2018.

It marks four months.

Four months, Jjong.

Right now, I'm just sighing. Right now, I just thinking, "How has it already been four months this quick?"

Right now, my visions are becoming blurry again as tears are b..

Right now, I'm missing you more and more.

Four months.

Time is passing way too fast, isn't it?

Now is already May. More than another two weeks later, it will be the fifth month.

This is passing all too quickly.

I can't accept it.

I'm not sure if you know, but...

I made you an Instagram collection.. I hope you can look through it.

I made it ever since.. that day. From that very day till this day.

But day by day, I start to fill them with your happy memories. All yours. Maybe in heaven, you could find a way to check them to look through all those happy times you've been through while you were still here.

Now, you're happy. So I'll be happy too, with a scar forever scratched in my heart.

So.. moving on.

Life update!

There's this guy.. I want you to help me look after him. There are so many I want to protect but I just can't. Maybe.. you could watch us over altogether? This guy here, he's precious to me. I don't know what the outcomes are going to be, but I'm hoping for the best with everyone around me.

Next.. I had an audition this morning at school for an upcoming concert. It's going to be a big one, so I hope I can pass. I'm praying for a miracle.

And.. school has been stressing me out lately but I'm really really working hard to do my best. I just hope despite my results I can still hear someone tell me that I did well. 

Just like how you wanted.

Oh, and I want a husky. I reaaally want one. I just wonder how it'll be like to have a dog to keep me company, just like how Roo was by your side all the time. Speaking of Roo, how's that little pup? I hope he's doing well. I heard your mom and sister are taking care of him. I'm sure he misses you more than we do. You were his one and only master after all..

There had been times I felt like giving up. I'd say honestly that you're my biggest motivation to keep going. I also have some pretty wise and rational quotes in mind to keep myself positive and happy. I hope I'll last. I hope this life will last. My second biggest motivations are my parents, for all the reasons there could be. And also the guy I was talking about earlier. He's become the ear to my rants and stories, just like how I've been there to listen to his own problems. He makes me happy. I don't know how I feel about him, though.

What do you say, Jjong?

It feels really nice, you know, to do this once-in-a-while catch-up thing with you. It feels like I'm back home to where I feel safest at. A place where I can just spill my thoughts without anyone judging me.

I'll be truly open with you. I'm still avoiding your songs. It wasn't like this weeks ago. I just don't know why, but recently I've been skipping your songs on purpose. I'll apologise in advance, but I know you'll understand where I'm getting at.

Hearing your voice will just make me miss you more.

And since we're talking about songs, I'm not sure if you know Bolbbalgan4's To My Youth. I think that the lyrics have impacted on what I feel and how I should look at things in perspective. I actually rewrote the lyrics in English. I'm planning to do a recording of it soon. I hope things will go as planned.

And before I forget..

It's about your memorial.

I can't believe it. It's officially closed down. SM closed it down. For real.

Our petition didn't work at all. I'm really bummed out about that. It's not fair, Jjong. You'll read all our letters there, right? SM better keep them properly like how they promised.. 

I haven't even got the chance to visit your memorial yet, and now it's closed. I'm really disappointed, honestly speaking.

Did you see all our Blingers sitting in front of the screen to watch Shinin'? You must've been feeling a mixture of sadness, happiness and pride. I'd totally understand. You're not the only one. I wasn't there, yet I felt the heartbreak. There were people crying. Look at all these wonderful people remembering you. Even I, who wasn't even there, I broke down. My heart felt empty.

As it closed down, people left bit by bit. Soon, it was empty.

And that's the worst part.

It's now empty.

Empty.

I think I should sleep soon. It's only 9:20 but I don't know why. I feel like sleeping early today. I feel a little worn out, even though I did absolutely nothing. How weird, right? Sometimes you get super tired physically but you just can't sleep. What kind of situation is this, heol..

Jjong-d, I'll sleep now. 

Talk to you later <3 Good night.

I'll remember you. 

Please visit me in my dreams soon. It's been almost 5 months. Please visit soon.

Good night, my guardian angel.

I love you.

Love, 

Jae.