25/12/17

It's Christmas.

Merry Christmas Jjong.

I don't make wishes for Christmas.. but this year, you know very well what I want to wish for.

At this time, all I want for Christmas, is to wake up from this bad dream. To have Kim Jonghyun back into this world. For Kim Jonghyun to see the love he has surrounding him.

To see that you are a gift.

YOU ARE GOD'S GIFT. our gift. Shawols' gift.

Clearly, my gift won't be sent to me, because obviously, we can't turn back time. It's fine, though, because I'd rather you celebrate Christmas with the Lord in heaven than celebrating it here in this cruel place.

As the clock struck 12, I didn't think of Christmas. The only thing that I reminded myself was..

it's been a week. Seven days.

How can time just fly like that? Before this, all I wanted was time to move on quickly so we can get to New Year. Now, all I want is time to slow down. Why?

Because I'm still stuck in the past. I'm still stuck to seven days ago.

Jjong, it's been one week since you left, but why does it only feel like yesterday?

I'm coping fairly well. This time, I mean it. I'm not sobbing like how I was the past 5 days before Christmas Eve. Yesterday I only shed a few tears.

Okay, fine.

I nearly cried a fountain again. But I managed to stop myself. So I guess that's an improvement?

Really, I am recovering. Instead of forcing myself to absorb more sad news, I look for the times when you were happy. Even though you really weren't happy on the inside, but at least, it's not about that. So as long as the video or post has you smiling or positive contents, I let myself be exposed to it.

I'm currently watching The Beatle Code 2, with you and your members in it from 2013. It's on pause now because I'm taking some time to type this. I'm enjoying it, really. It's hilarious. When you sang the acoustic version of Lucifer, I kept replaying it. I didn't cry, though. I swear.

All I was focusing on was your voice. The way you were singing the song.

Anyway, I thought of something. I stumbled upon a few videos of fans recording you outside SM. Gosh, please send some wind that whispers to your CEO saying "Build a back door juseyo." because my God, those fans are honestly a bit disturbing to watch. Seeing them flock around idols without giving them personal space and respect irks the heck out of me. I saw your face, and man that was intimidating okay? Stop scaring me geez. SMILE MOREEEE.

Well who am I kidding, you must be already smiling non-stop 24 hours ever since you've arrived in heaven. Hah.

Guardian angel, is what you are now.

That's my Christmas wish.

Y'know? When I saw that pissed off face of yours, I started to wonder if you hate us. Don't ask why. It's just a random thought that scared me. But then I recalled back to the time you were so happy during fansigns. Sooo.. I guess there's a reason for everything, but I'm sure you deeply love Shawols from the bottom of your heart.

Okay, next topic.

I watched older videos of SHINee. Dream Girl, for instance. How nostalgic. I remember back when my tutor who's an ELF and Shawol shared a bunch of SuJu and SHINee songs. She's part of the reason why I got so hooked to K-Pop as well.

Psst, her bias is Donghae. She was frikkin obsessed. No lie.

There's a Shawol who's gathered an amount of money to get roses for your mom and noona. I think that people like her are amazing. They do everything with priority and respect, full of love, warmth and sincerity. I hope they accept them. I want to be part of the people who do these things but I can't because it's out of my ability to do so for now. So, this is the only thing I can make myself do at this moment, and that is to tell you what I've always wanted to tell you, from the past, present and future.

What did I wanna move on to again? Hold on, let me think.

..

..

Y Si Fuera Ella is starting to grow on me. No, it has already grown on me. I'm stuck with that song now. It's one of the only few songs that really hit me, like a pang. I appreciate it. Not only because you wrote it, but also because of how you could amazingly express your feelings through your voice with those lyrics. 

"Please don't abandon me, please don't abandon me."

제발 버리지 마 버리지 마

I almost broke down again. That's what I did the first, second and third time. But during the fourth time, I was really able to put myself together. One by one, I read the lyrics while listening to you pouring out your feelings with emotions.

Your unique voice. That's your strength.

Sometimes, Jjong, I feel like using 혜야 as part of this moment now. But like you said, we grow with pain.

The next song that has exactly the same impact as this one, and it's End of a Day.

하루의 끝

The part that rings through my brain is this simple yet powerful line, 수고했어요 정말 고생했어요.

I want to say that to you, and I want you to know that I mean it. I really, really do.

You haven't been able to hear people say that to you, so we'll say it to you. We'll say it not because we feel bad that we didn't, but because we've come to realise that it's our fault that we haven't been able to tell you what was buried in our hearts from a long, long time.

I want to do a mash-up of these two songs, but that'll happen when I find the ability to do so. Not now. I'm not ready.

But I will.

Next year, I'll dedicate that for your next Christmas present. Look forward to it, I hope. kkk.

I hope "Only One You Need" will be released. That's what I want to be part of my Christmas gift too. You said this, "When you feel pain because a loved one used to be there and is now gone, don’t be too sad.” and that, is why you made this song. This clearly tells us that you've planned this a long time ago, because you don't want us to be too sad. You must've made this song for us, to comfort us.

You're such an angel.

Phantom pains, the psychological phenomenon of feeling pain in a body part that is no longer there. That's what you chose as the title, right? I guess it refers to yourself. Your pain, is no longer there. You're resting well, and we all know that.

Btw, don't stop sending the signs please. People like me really need it. Hee.

That's for now I guess. I'm going to watch you and the four's appearances on Happy Together right after I finish watching The Beatle Code 2. Until then, I guess.

Merry Christmas, Jonghyun-ie. Have a bright and warm one.

Best regards,

재이.