Hey, Jjong..
Today is 23/12/17. It's been 5 days.. How's heaven going for you?

Thank you for being one of the first few who I've got to know when I was first introduced to K-Pop. It was SHINee and SuJu. I remember streaming your songs over and over. Did you know you're my first bias in SHINee? And that, Jjong, makes you my first bias in K-Pop.

I'll admit, I drifted away from SHINee.. I was way too caught up with EXO, and then BTS. Then one day, one heartbreaking day.. 18/12/17, became the day I lost it. I lost myself. The first thing I saw when I first opened up Facebook after such a long time was news regarding your suicide attempt..

Wow, Facebook welcomed me back with your suicide attempt news. How absurd.

I was shocked. I really was. At that moment I couldn't cry. Yet.

First thing that came into my mind was, "How?" "Why?". I was about to click the link, but before that my mind was trying to convince myself, "No, it must be a joke." but then it hit me.

April Fools was much long ago over.

I pressed the link. It says that your sister received a suicidal message from you. Right at that time the only thing that started to stick on my mind was—"he's suicidal?" I'm a person who wants to know everything as much as I can. Though I know I'll be hurting soon, I knew I had to do it. I started catching up on news. One by one. 

They started piling up.

There were pictures of you looking up the sky before you did.. that.

There were videos of you going to the convenience store to get things to do.. that.

There were witness statements on how you express your cries for help before doing.. that.

And there were videos that showed you not crying on your very last concert before attempting.. that.

You've always cried, but you didn't during INSPIRED. Instead, you were only sorrowfully looking at Shawols for one last time. You were memorizing how Shawols looked like—the aqua ocean. Fine. I'll act like I've accepted everything. Fine. But that was only until the next day, the day of your memorial. Idols and fans were visiting you, and I was just here, hopelessly depending on the Internet for updates. 

It still feels like a dream. It felt so surreal.

Seeing all your labelmates wail at the fact that you're gone was heart wrenching. Especially those who were the closest to you. 

Taeyeon who you've always been looking up to and who's been your constant emotional support. She's been there before anybody else, and she never left since arrival.

Yeri who treated you just like her own brother. She's been sobbing and crying so helplessly.

Krystal whom you both treated each other as real siblings, full of love and warmth. The ice princess refusing to believe that you were gone.

Minho who's been almost like your actual dongsaeng. He's been putting up a wall and acting all strong when inside we all know he's torn into pieces.

Kibum who got back just to find out one of his most beloved members is.. gone.

So many more Jjong.. They all loved you so much. We loved you so so much. Did you see us?

20/12/17. I remember that midnight I was still sitting in front of my computer. I watched everything with you in it. It hurt. So. Bad. I started crying. So many clues. You left us with so many hints, in hopes that we'd notice. I'm so sorry. We're so sorry. 

Your tattoos, your songs, your novel, your latest Instagram post, your variety show appearances. All these. Your depression was out in the plain for us to see, yet we were still so blind. 

I keep thinking, what would today be like if Shawols were just a tad bit more observant?

What if we made you feel loved like you've never felt it before?

If I have the chance to rewind time, I'd find a way to talk it through thoroughly with you. Even with the slightest bit of help, I'd be willing to do anything. Anything to make you feel better. A small action can make a big difference.

Depression, is no joke. We all know that even if we tell you we love you, your inner demon will still push you to the edge.

Depression is so ing scary.

What if we've told you that you did well? That you did really well?

What if there's no such thing as haters or hate comments? Today would still be so bright with love.

But now that I think about it, maybe it's for the better. What's done is done. We respect your choice. Although we don't know if you would've regretted doing what you did, at least we know that..

you're in a much better place now.

C'mon, show MJ and Whitney what you can do with that kazoo. Show 'em how Ring Ding Dong goes. (Dino-ah, please don't kazoo too much or else God's gonna WHOMST'VE.) But of course, who doesn't love you?

Thank you for telling us you're alright. Thank you for the blue moon. Thank you for sending us messages through Shawols' dreams. Thank you.. 

for finally being happy.

No more hiding your brokenness behind a smile. No more faking laughters. 

It's just positivity now.

"The life of fame is not for me" is what you said. But it's now unavoidable, so all I can say is, thank you. You suffered because you chose to live this life as a famous idol, but thank you because if you didn't, depressed souls like ours would never have been able to hear your mesmerising voice which has always been full of passion and comfort.

We will all remember your beautiful voice, your empowering state of mind, and your beautiful angelic personality that no one but only you, can own.

You deserve the world, Kim Jonghyun.

We owe you so much. You helped bring light into the darkness for so many people, but yet none of us could've done the same for you. You felt lonely.

I won't guarantee that I won't stop crying every night, but I'll guarantee you that..

I'll do good with my life, and I will cherish it. I will stay strong. For you. And when we meet, I'll tell you all the great things I've achieved through the inspiration you planted in my soul.

To lighten up the mood a little.. Geez Jjong did you know my eyes were swollen the next day because of you. Aigoo. I had to lie to my mom that it was the cause of lack of sleep. Aish you. But jokes aside,

Thank you for comforting us through your songs. Thank you for expressing the impossible through Blue Night. Thank you for being so kind and caring. Thank you for supporting the LGBT community. Thank you for uniting all fandoms in such an unexpected moment. Thank you for giving us this warning, this alerting wake up call. Thank you for being you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thank you for letting us be part of your last journey, full of love and warmth, and not loneliness.

I'll keep loving SHINee no matter what. I'll try to be part of the crowd who spread love within the K-Pop community. I'm sure you would've loved that. I'll go back to tune in to your Blue Night days when I feel hopeless again, just to listen to your comforting voice again, to get your meaningful advice. My guardian angel, please watch over me, because I don't know when my inner demon will try to fight against myself again.

I will now try to remember you not for your passing, but for the happiness that you brought to us. I will listen to your songs one by one and appreciate the meaning behind them.

Please remember, you were never at fault. It's always been us. The fault lies in humanity. You taught us how to appreciate idols more. You made it clear that idols are human too. You never did anything wrong, so don't blame yourself and rest calmly. 

SHINee didn't lose a member. They gained an angel. And that angel is you. 

I'll live everyday like there's no tomorrow. I believe we will meet sooner than I think, because nobody knows when our last day marks the calendar. Until then, I'll still think of this as a nightmare that I want to wake up from as soon as possible.

정말 수고 했어요. 정말 고생 했어요. 

You did well, Jjong. You did very, very well.
Rest in peace, baby.

사랑해, 김종현.
8/4/90-18/12/17

With sincerest love,
재이.