Episode Seven

Son Naeun

Her cries radiated in my room. I sat in my bed, my back resting against the cold, beige walls of my room we painted together. The play production competition’s poster was pasted in the wall, something I’ve done myself. Suddenly, the endearing color turned bleak, like someone splashed a wave of white paint to erase the details. Small, white sobs, the sound was like music keeping my heart locked up too tight, I almost couldn’t breathe.

I’ve seen her tears earlier, how it flickered on her cheek one after another. I wanted to wipe it away.

I couldn’t.

Not when she stepped back, as if I’m a monster who’ll hurt her with a touch. She stepped back and ran away, and I was left there frozen on my own thoughts.

Because in all honesty, she was right.

Instead of acting like an immature lady, I should’ve done something else. I should’ve asked her first, showed her, and loved her.

I was still that coward of a year ago, wishing for us to be in love when I was the one denying it.

One tap, two.

I drummed my fingers against the cold, cement wall. Not that she’ll hear the vibrations. Not that she’ll ever understand.

.. / .-.. --- ...- . / -.-- --- ..-

Liking someone was different with love.

I swore I liked her. But loving her altogether was a fearful encounter.

Why am I afraid? I thought to myself. Yeah right, why am I afraid…?

“I’m not afraid of you loving me…” I breathed in the air, although I know the words would be breathless enough, it wouldn’t reach her. “I’m afraid of me loving you… I’m afraid you might lose me…”

My gaze dropped, the thumb piano was silently lying on my study table, barely untouched during the years I’ve possessed it. Playing a familiar tune, I repeated it, over and over again. Unlike how it always calmed me down, it didn’t that night. The unsettling feeling was all over my stomach. It was calling out for me to go out. The cries had died out, but matters of the heart were more than the tears pouring out a person’s eyes.

And so, like an idiot, I marched out of my room to her door. I stared at it for quite a while, hesitating to knock and walk in. Eunji won’t want to see me right now.

But I never do the right things... when it concerns Eunji.

Sadness welled up too deep inside of me.

I was not one for romance. And so I settled with crushes every now and then.

Did I ever wish of something more from Eunji when I liked her a year ago?