Day twenty-nine

Twenty minutes, for the first time, Joonmyeon was late to their ‘date.’ Well, he had messaged Yixing saying he’ll be late, but it was still strange.

What was strangest was that ever since that dramatic monologue thing, Joonmyeon didn’t seem to want to spend more than one hour in Yixing’s company. Yesterday, and the day before that, they had precisely seen each other forty minutes each time, not that Yixing had counted, but he thought it felt rather short compared to the previous times, and it was. Joonmyeon still texted Yixing on the mornings and in the nights, but during the day, when they weren’t with each other yet, he had stopped. Joonmyeon had stopped sending him silly pictures of himself captured ‘I miss you,’ he had stopped sending him texts telling him to tune in this or that program, or talking about other random things. And today, when they could have walked together to the ice-cream shop like they had always done, Joonmyeon had said he’d meet Yixing there instead. But it shouldn’t be so strange, after all, tomorrow was the last day. They probably wouldn’t talk much after that.

However, it still made Yixing feel distraught, empty, heartbroken. Were that how real couples drifted apart until nothing remained and one of them walked out? It sure was what would happen tomorrow. And Yixing knew about it, from the very beginning he knew everything was a lie and had a due date. He just hadn’t expected it would make him feel this distressed. The whole point of this had been so he could get over Kyungsoo, but he didn’t think he would come to care so much about this.

When Yixing heard the bells chiming, he instantly looked at the door. This time it was finally Joonmyeon who walked into the ice-cream shop. Joonmyeon looked around the place, his eyes found Yixing, he smiled, not fully, and then he walked to their usual table, the one in the corner. They greeted each other as Joonmyeon sat down.

“Sorry, love. I had something to do and… It got late.”

Yixing would have wanted to ask what could have been more important than him, but… That sounded silly and whiny. “It’s okay, baobei,” he said, “I’ll go order for us.”

Joonmyeon nodded, smiling, a smile that ever since that day wasn’t the same, something lacked. Yixing went to the front desk. He ordered one strawberry parfait and got one spoon. Then, he went to sit down again. Joonmyeon took the first bite, but didn’t feed Yixing, he put the spoon in Yixing’s direction instead. And even though Yixing had one hand on the table, Joonmyeon didn’t reach out to grab it either, no, he just fidgeted with his phone instead. Another thing that was different. So, Yixing grabbed the spoon and ate.

In the meantime, it also appeared they didn’t have much to talk about. It was rather awkward. They talked about the weather, about the assignments they had gotten over the summer break, about the reopening night of the movie theater after its remodeling. Yixing was just about to say they should go together but… It was on the weekend, they weren’t going to be ‘together’ by then. Could he still ask him out as a friend? Would that be too weird? Well, they weren’t technically together so it shouldn’t be. But why did it feel they had been together?

Twenty minutes later, they had finished the dessert, they had finished discussing the topics they had come up with, and they were currently sitting there under silence.

“Yixing,” Joonmyeon cut the quietness with that voice and that expression, that let Yixing know he wasn’t acting anymore. “Tomorrow is the last day.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“Well, I don’t have anything planned… Do you?”

‘Waltz of the Flowers’ came to Yixing’s mind instantly. If there was a chance, his last chance, to play that piece it was tomorrow. After that day, it might be strange to play in front of Joonmyeon, unless they remained friends, but the more Joonmyeon distanced himself, the more Yixing felt they wouldn’t, and everything would go back to normal, in which neither of them talked unless their teacher teamed them up. However, Yixing wasn’t ready, he wasn’t ready to play the violin yet. It didn’t sound good, not quite where he wanted to be. He needed more time. If only he and Joonmyeon could stay together for longer, then, then it would be much easier, much better. “I got nothing.”

“Okay. Then tomorrow let’s just meet up to ‘break up,’” Joonmyeon said, making quotations marks in the air.

‘Break up,’ those two words together sounded so sad, so heartbreaking, well, it was a sad and heartbreaking thing to do. Just like any relationship, that would happen eventually, wouldn’t it? Unless that person was ‘the one.’ It would be foolish to break up if that person was the one. Maybe that could explain the reluctance Yixing currently felt. Joonmyeon had only look stoic when he had mentioned it, though. Yixing still nodded slightly.

Abruptly, Joonmyeon stood up from his seat. “I have to go now.”

“Let’s go together,” Yixing suggested.

Joonmyeon looked apologetic. “Don’t worry, Yixing. That’s not necessary.”

“Why? We will go the same way for a certain part.”

“I’m not going home… My friends invited me over to play video games. Jongdae got this new games console and stuff.”

“Oh,” Yixing said, trying to conceal the disappointment in his voice. “I see. Have fun playing.”

“I will. See you tomorrow, Yixing,” Joonmyeon said, smiling before walking out of the ice-cream shop.   

And Yixing remained seated there, feeling, even more, emptier, lonelier and saddened than before. So, it will end tomorrow. He couldn’t believe it would. Somehow, he had expected the situation would go on… Forever.

By the time Yixing finally decided to go back home, he changed his mind when he got outside and saw the sun will set soon. If he hurried, he could be able to see the sunset by the bridge. Quickly, he made his way through the town’s streets, feeling how occasionally cold breezes of the late summer hit him, bringing him goosebumps, but could not compare to the pain within him. He reached the bridge, his favorite spot, just in time, just as the sun was setting, just as orange skies turned dark. He stared at the river flowing beneath. He remembered that time he and Joonmyeon had gone rowing together. A nostalgic smile formed on his lips but vanished right away. It felt like a long time ago, and things were so different now.

“Yixing?” Somebody interrupted his alone time.

Yixing turned his head to the side and saw Kyungsoo, sweating and clad in workout clothes, standing next to him. That was unusual, he couldn’t remember Kyungsoo mentioning he liked to run. “Hi Mr. Do,” Yixing greeted.

Kyungsoo looked at him strangely, probably because Yixing had called him ‘Mr. Do’ again, but Kyungsoo didn’t comment on it. “What are you doing here?” he asked, looking at the scenery that took place before them.

Yixing stared forward too. “This is where I come and dwell… On sad stuff apparently,” he mumbled, thinking back to how weeks earlier he had come here to cry about Kyungsoo’s rejection. Now that he thought about it, that had been pretty silly.

“Well, that explains your earlier face.” Kyungsoo chuckled. “What’s wrong?”

Everything, Yixing thought. But he debated whether to lie and say nothing or to find someone to discuss his thoughts with. He had always thought Kyungsoo was a wise older friend to talk with, even though he had had a crush on him. They had shared some memorable talks about life matters sometimes. Besides, this topic wasn’t exactly something he could talk about freely to anybody. His friends and family still didn’t know the real reason why he and Joonmyeon were together in the first place, so they were no help. Joonmyeon was the cause of his newfound dejected feelings, so he was out of the question. Kyungsoo, though, he could be the right person to discuss this with. “Do you have time to hear a long story?” Yixing asked.

Kyungsoo smiled. “I’m all ears, Yixing.”

And Yixing began telling about the events of the past month. About how Joonmyeon had been the loveliest, wonderful, caring person he had ever met. About how he had been so happy with Joonmyeon and looked forward to each day they would see each other because Joonmyeon was simply great. About how in that crucial moment, he couldn’t respond to Joonmyeon’s question. About how now that he had confirmed for the nth time that everything had been a lie, even though he knew about it from the very beginning, it made him feel miserable. About how knowing what would happen tomorrow was slowly shattering his heart.

“Wow,” Kyungsoo said once Yixing finished talking.

Yixing nodded. “I know. I’m really stupid, aren’t I? I knew it all along that he was acting but… I just had to overthink everything.”

“I mean, wow, Joonmyeon is really crazy about you. True love right there.”

Instantly, Yixing looked at Kyungsoo, frowning. “What? Didn’t you just hear what I said? Joonmyeon was acting. Acting!”

Kyungsoo laughed. “Yixing, do you really believe that? Think about it, really, all those wonderful things, as you say, he has done for you. Even if it were for the benefit of my profession or a hobby, I would never put that much effort and time for someone I didn’t like in the slightest. Would you?”

No, he wouldn’t. Doing that was going overboard, going the extra mile. But Joonmyeon was another story. “No, it would be a waste of time, maybe. But Joonmyeon loves acting, so much I’m pretty sure he would go as far as to plan all those dates we had, just because he needed to improve his acting skills on romantic scenes. And that’s what he did.” Yixing sighed.

“Perhaps,” Kyungsoo said, “But I just find that excuse so ridiculous and unbelievable.”

“Why?”

“Well, I distinctly remember Joonmyeon playing Romeo on your school play last year. And when I saw him on stage, he stood out and left a deep impression. I saw a confidence and passion like no other person there, which shouldn’t be strange considering he is training to become an actor, and the rest were amateurs. Didn’t you see it too?”

Last year’s annual school play! That play had been the only romantic themed one their school had organized so far. How could Yixing have forgotten about that? Well, he had never been interested in participating, but it was a requirement to do at least something for his literature class. He had helped backstage, but he and his friends had found watching videos far more entertaining than the play. “No, while helping backstage I didn’t pay attention… It was just an old overly dramatic love story we were forced to learn about in class, and then do our version of the play.”

“I always suspected you didn’t really like reading classic works.” Kyungsoo let out a laugh. “But I don’t remember Joonmyeon being nervous or awkward at all. Not even during a kiss scene.”

Oh my god, Yixing thought. Now that those memories were resurfacing, he had seen that happen during rehearsal, mostly because all girls had squealed when that was about to take place, so it caught his attention. Joonmyeon had kissed Seolhyun without problems, with so much passion and feeling, that it was making him feel slightly jealous now. Yixing scoffed, “So, Joonmyeon lied to me. He didn’t need any help with his acting at all. Of course, he is already good at it. That boy!” he gasped.

“I have to say it was a very clever and sneaky plan.” Kyungsoo chuckled.

He had to admit that too. There were still doubts lingering here and there, though. Yixing frowned and crossed his arms. “But why would he deny being in love with me? Why did he have to lie to my face and put me through all that? That was a really mean and cruel thing to do… I’m getting a little mad at him.” Yixing shook his head. “But also, what if he isn’t actually in love with me, but he likes seeing people in difficult positions… I don’t know. What if we’re reading everything wrong? I thought you were falling for me back then, but look how that turned out.”

“That might be a possibility. Love can be risky. But if how you rejected his feelings initially is the truth, then I wouldn’t be so surprised he lied to protect himself and his heart. He was expecting for you to say yes, but with every second you didn’t say anything, Yixing, anyone would suspect you were having a hard time coming up with how to reject him. Being rejected twice is not something everyone wants to go through.”

Another wise point of view brought up by Kyungsoo. That sounded reasonable. Being quiet could basically mean a ‘ no’ too. So, Yixing could understand better why Joonmyeon acted as if he wasn’t in love with him. Hearing that ‘ no’ was a terrible experience, Yixing should know. So, if he had actually said yes, would things have turned out differently then? Perhaps. One matter was solved, hopefully. There were some others left. “I still hesitated to say yes because...”

Kyungsoo smiled. “Because?”

Yixing sighed. Earlier, he had found out why he had hesitated. “I was confused because of you. A month ago, I was crying in this exact same place because you rejected me. I thought you were ‘the love of my life’ as silly as that sounds. You were everything I thought of. I had these gushy feelings and sensations whenever I was around you. I wasn’t sure if all that could be gone just like that.”

Suddenly, Kyungsoo drew closer, his face a short distance from Yixing’s, almost as close as that time Joonmyeon had cornered him against the wall. “Well, we’re talking now, Yixing. What do you feel right now?” Kyungsoo whispered.

“I feel that… I feel that… Your cologne is too strong,” Yixing said, backing away and covering his nose quickly, “Did you change it?”

Kyungsoo laughed amusedly. “It’s the same one as always. I haven’t changed anything.”

“Oh,” he said. Yixing remembered always loving the smell of Kyungsoo’s cologne. Now, though, it had been borderline disgusting, too strong and icky, maybe because Kyungsoo had been working out, but whatever it was, it didn’t feel like Joonmyeon’s. And Kyungsoo’s proximity had always made him feel flustered, a nervous wreck but also elated. Moments ago, he hadn’t felt a thing. Instead, it was Joonmyeon who caused him all those sensations now. It was when Joonmyeon smiled at him that he felt elated. It was when Joonmyeon called him ‘love,’ held his hand and hugged him warmly that Yixing felt like blushing, endless butterflies flew around in his belly, and his heart rate quickened. It was Joonmyeon who he was in love with, he knew now. That was why he was so captivated by Joonmyeon, not only for his beauty but for the wonderful and caring person that lovely boy was. That was why it was hurting him these past days that they had been drifting apart. That was why he was so sad that they would ‘break up’ tomorrow. That was why he wanted to keep being with Joonmyeon. And now that he thought that, hopefully, Joonmyeon was in love with him too, it seemed easier to fight to save their relationship.

“I told you it was just a momentary crush,” Kyungsoo said, “And you found someone who loved you back.”

“Yeah…” There was still one more doubt. “But is it realistic that I had fallen for Joonmyeon so quickly? Is that the way feelings work? I know I like him, but is it possible that could happen so suddenly?”

A smile formed on Kyungsoo’s lips while he shook his head. He stared at the water, watching the reflecting rays of the moon. “Well… I do know that one day you’re happily married to your husband of five years. Then, you let your childhood best friend come and stay with you for one week because he was visiting the city. Your husband and best friend get along, maybe too well, but you didn’t think much of it. Your husband was ‘the love of your life’ after all. Then, your husband begins to change. A few months later you wake up, and he has packed his bags, apologizes to you profusely, but he had fallen out of love and wants a divorce.”

Yixing gasped. Kyungsoo had never told him that. He hadn’t even heard it from his parents. “You were married?”

Kyungsoo nodded. “Five years. I got married when I was twenty-five, got divorced when I was thirty.”

“I’m so sorry to hear that.”

“Nah, it’s okay, Yixing. That’s how life is. You think you have met the ‘right’ person, and for a while, it works, but that’s not how it always is. Because then you meet another person, and with that person, everything feels different, everything is all right, comfortable, perfect. In the past, I couldn’t understand that was what my ex-husband had felt, but now that I’m with Sehun, everything makes sense.” Kyungsoo smiled, “I think the same applies to you, Yixing. Who dictates what is realistic or expected? Falling in love cannot be measured in a defined amount of time, I think that at least. One week, one month, five months, it will always differ. What matters should be what you truly feel.”

Yixing grinned. “As wise as always.”

“So, whatever you decide to do tomorrow, make sure to stay true to what you feel regardless of the doubts you might have about Joonmyeon’s feelings for you. Love is risky, among other things.”

Yixing nodded. He already had made a choice.

“Now, how about we walk back to town? I’m getting a little cold standing here.”

Yixing stared at the full moon above them, seeing its perfectly round shape. He smiled. “Yeah, let’s go.”