The bright colours of our house turned into dull pastel, I don't know if that was the effect of my swollen eyes or because of my exhausted soul, but I do know that the colours were not as bright when Chanyeol first painted them, his brush strolling every wall like his own paintings.

It's been awhile since I have had a good night's sleep, I always wake up in the middle of the night, I don't sleep at all or my mind tricks me that I am asleep while I'm just laying there with my eyes closed, my mind drifting into hundreds of directions. I was really ashamed of the fact that it was obvious how tired I was, even the kids asked me multiple times if I'm fine which I turned with a smile. My friends noticed too, but I assured them that it's normal for pregnant women to look tired and exhausted, but the thing was, I was more tired and exhausted emotionally and mentally than I would ever be physically and no, actually half pregnant women don't get this tired.

The reason behind it all was because I had passed out countless times on the bathroom floor and have woken up by a sound of the door closing instead of a caring hand patting my back and I tried shrugging it off, I really did, but my heart sank into my chest when everyone noticed and I skipped work more than once because I couldn't get out of bed sometimes due to my body feeling so heavy I couldn't lift it but still I didn't get any attention. And I was back to crying between breaks and in the bathroom and sometimes before going to sleep. 

And I tired to know when it all went wrong and why don't he spell it out, say he doesn't want a child, maybe I would understand and maybe we can talk and convince each other, isn't this what people do? They solve their problems together, not with themselves, isn't this why we become pairs in the first place so you can have someone who shares your sorrow and your problems and help you be at peace again? 

What bothers me most is I never cared about ‘love’ and such words that people gave meanings that weren't true because I believe you can care about someone or even ‘love’ them but you don't have to say it a hundred times a day and keep reminding them that you ‘care’ but I can't help it, and my mind keeps drifting to the times when Chanyeol– even though he wasn't that type either– had moments that showed the real, true him that is always hidden somewhere between his paintings.

I remember the time when a guy accidentally shot the basketball right at my head and I almost fell, when I tried to get him to apologize he shouted laughing with his teammates “Hey smartypants, no chit chatting in the basketball court!” and God I can clearly remember Chanyeol's face expressions because I'm sure it was nothing close to being ‘pissed’, he just looked at me walking past me while my friend was calming me down trying to ease the pain of my bouncing head, honestly I felt a little disappointed but the next morning I remember the boys murmuring between each other that someone soaked the basketball team uniforms in water, I turned around to Chanyeol because I thought it was a funny coincidence but he cut me off saying “It's nothing funny, c’mon we'll be late for class.” shutting his locker, it somehow hit me when he looked away but I smiled and didn't say anything even though I was really thankful.

And one time when he was walking me home from school before going to his own, something seemed off because he was walking too fast for my poor leg to handle, and I did tell him that my leg was injured when I was little so I can't really keep pace with people walking fast so he always slowed down for me to follow, so when he took a glance beside him and I wasn't there, he suddenly stopped to tie his shoes and when I was near enough, he started walking again, slower this time. He thought I didn't notice him untying his shoes and doing it again but I did, I couldn't say thanks though. 

There are many more that my memory failed me and didn't save it in my long memory.

But what is engraved there is that time at the end of our senior year when he suddenly stopped talking to me, sitting with me at lunch time and walking me home after school, I got real