It’s during the first semester of University that I fall in love. The process is normal enough, for we meet through a bunch of mutual friends and start hanging out together, getting closer and closer as the days go by. Namjoon and I have reconciled and everything’s just like normal, if I erase the fact that he hangs out with me less and less to make time for Haeryung, which I learnt to understand. After our big fight, I just didn’t want to make another scene and who am I to do that anyway? I’m his best friend, not his woman nor his mother. I can’t control him however I want to, and if he wants to hang out with me then he’ll do so by asking.

I resigned myself to the fact that things won’t ever be the same again, and as Namjoon devoted more of his time to his girlfriend, I spent more of my time with Seokjin. Unlike the former, he’s very much of a gentleman who’s aware of his surroundings and conscious of every small detail. He’s the type of guy to open car doors or walk on the dangerous side of the street. He’s the type of guy that never attracted me before but somehow, Seokjin’s different. He doesn’t flaunt his charms but is very mysterious. I wouldn’t be able to tell what he’s thinking most of the time as he never seems to voice out his opinion. While Namjoon and I usually bicker back and forth like noisy siblings, he lets me have my peace and quiet. We usually agree on most things, and share a startlingly similar taste; whether it be movies or tv shows or song repertoires. Although he really didn’t see to mind whatever music I listened to.

“What’s with that face?” Namjoon interrupts me one day when I’m visiting his faculty, a swarm of medical students rushing past us with clipboards in their hands as we scoot over to make way for them. It’s always like this whenever we’re in his department. There’s always movement, always people running to get to somewhere.

It’s definitely a change from the relaxed atmosphere in the Language department.

“What face?” I ask.

“That face.” he points an index figure, “When you said something about that guy. Seokjin.”

“What about him?”

“Don’t play dumb with me,” Namjoon said impatiently as we resumed our walk, “Who is he?”

“He’s--” I try to act neutral, washing everything out of my expression, “He’s a friend.”

“Friend?” Narmjoon raises a brow, suspicion written across his face as I feel heat rise at the back of my neck. Oh . Is he going to--

“Do you like him?”

I almost choke on my spit, “What?!”

“You made that face.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“It’s the same face you make when you talk about mashed potatoes.” Namjoon looks at me dead in the eye, “And I know how much you love mashed potatoes. So do you like him?”

I don’t know whether I should tell him the truth or lie, but I guess that from what he’s seeing on my face, it’s as clear as day that my feelings are positive.

“Dear lord,” He puts a hand to his forehead as if he’s having a headache, “He’s in for a wild ride.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” I snap at him, hating how he can decipher my every thought and desire with just one glance, when I take ages to actually understand what’s going on behind his brown eyes.

“You like him, don’t you?”

He hits the nail right on the spot. But my pride is pushing me to tell him otherwise, just to prove him wrong, just because I hate the fact that he can gather his conclusions so quickly and how they always seem to be correct.

But my hesitation is enough to confirm his doubts. He punches my shoulder jovially as a slow grin spreads on his face. I watch, not sure why my heart feels twice as heavy now that he knows, not sure why I’m feeling as though I’ve just disappointed myself rather than lifting a weight off my chest.

“So what’s the deal? Is he your classmate? Do you guys hang out a lot together? Do you think he likes you back?” Namjoon goes on shooting questions, but my mouth feels like it’s been coated with sandpaper. I don’t know what to say, what to do.
There’s a really uncomfortable feeling in my chest that I cannot explain, and I don’t like it.

“I met him on campus the other day. We have most of our classes together.” I try not to meet his eye, finding great interest in the individual walking before me.

“Is he an English major too?”

“He’s in history.”

“Oh my god, he’s a nerd.”

“Shut up.” I say fiercely. I hate this, I hate where this is going. I just feel like burrowing myself under my blanket and never coming out because this is turning out to be more embarrassing than I thought it would be.

“Can I meet him?”

“No you may not.”

“You met Haeryung.”

I scoffed, “Unwillingly, let me remind you.”

“But you still met her.”

“I don’t even know if he likes me!”

“So you like him?”

“Urgh, off, Namjoon!”

Needless to say, that spiked Namjoon’s excitement and ever since then, he’s been sending me text messages every day asking about the mysterious love interest in question, which I try to ignore partly because of the embarrassment and partly due to the fact that I’m not really sure if I do like Seokjin that way or not. The fleeting emotion I’ve felt when I told  it to Namjoon had me backpedal on my feelings and reconsider things.

I’ve never felt that kind of suffocation before, so I can’t pinpoint what’s actually wrong with the situation. I like Seokjin, and that I can confirm by myself. But the question is: Do I like him enough? There must be another rational explanation as to why my chest felt so heavy and stuffy once I delivered the news to Namjoon. Maybe it’s a sign.

A sign that I shouldn’t move forward when my feelings are as unclear as murky water.

I put my romantic notions aside for a moment when the midterms roll by. The library gets filled with students pounding onto their keyboards in hopes of finishing up their assignments in time, while others are heaving tons of books under their arms, sprawled out around them like a fan as they pore over every word and trying to let it sink in, to no avail. The atmosphere is tense and the one would definitely not want to take a stroll through campus at these specific times, for when students are studying, they can be pretty mean and selfish sometimes, almost acting like savage beasts. It’s crazy what exams can do to you and your brain.

“Hey.”
 

My eyes lift from the page they’ve been glued to for the past hour, noticing that the light has faded beyond the cover of soft clouds and rays of evening sun were slowly disappearing into the distance, vanishing into night sky. Looking up, I notice a hand holding out a can of cold instant coffee, and make a grab for it.

I search for the owner’s face, feeling that it is Jin without having to take a second glance. “How’d you find me?”
 

He shrugs, “Wasn’t hard. Just had to look for someone screaming ‘help me’ in big, bold red colours sprawled across her forehead.”

“Oh shut up,” I feel my cheeks colour and hate myself for reacting so easily to his teasing, as compared to how neutral I am when Namjoon does it. “I’m surviving the best I can okay? And what about you? Why don’t you look like a zombie after the world apocalypse?”

And it’s true. Seokjin doesn’t seem as though he’s having any trouble at all, if he even knows what it means or signifies. The guy probably doesn’t even associate with the likes of working hard, for he seems to have a natural gift for studying. He aces his classes without so much as a glance at his notes, and when he does actually attend class -- most of the time he likes skipping them, especially when they’re in the morning-- he’d lay his arms in front of him and bury his head onto the table until they become one. It’s a miracle he’s not a dropout yet, and for that I both envy and respect him.

He probably works a lot at home, and I notice him reading his notes seriously without break whenever he decides to keep me company at the library, but still. One cannot simply study for five hours straight and be okay with it.

Compared to Seokjin, I’m like a buzzing fly, always finding something distract to do or look at.

“I can take care of myself,” He crosses his arms in triumph with a pointed look that states otherwise for my situation.

I scowl, “I take care of myself just as well as you do, thanks very much.”

“No you don’t.” He motions towards my face, “Your dark circles are so prominent they’re practically engraved into your skin.”

“Excuse me for not being as perfect as you are, Mr. I-have-my-whole-life-planned-out.” I reply sarcastically while proceeding to swivel in my chair and get the pins and needles out of my legs.

“I excuse you,” With a swift motion, he suddenly makes a grab for my elbow before pulling me up beside him and practically hauling me off my chair. I stagger, my feet not regaining mobility as they should while my nose bumps into his chest.

“Oh , sorry” I draw back, but not before noticing how his eyes suddenly zero on mine. My throat turns scratchy and dry when I hold his gaze for a moment, noting how the tension suddenly spiked the blood within my veins.

I clear my throat before gingerly taking a slight step back. “What did you want?”

I try to play it cool by rolling my eyes, my hands occupying themselves with taking off my coat from the chair and slipping my arms through the sleeves. But inside, I’m trembling like a leaf. That moment is definitely not imagined, I know my mind and I know emotions when I see them. Jin’s gaze had definitely held something a little more than friendship, almost like affection.

But then again I might be wrong. I’m not an expert.

I don’t know if I should be happy or panicked at that fact.

“Let’s go eat.”

“Can’t.” I instantly shoot back an excuse, “I got an english paper to finish and--hey!”

Before I can even blink or utter a word of protest, Jin’s figure has swept in, gathered my things in my arm while slinging my bag over his shoulder, and is walking out of the library as though he’s done nothing wrong. I gape at him for a few seconds, not really understanding the whole situation until it clicks in my brain.

Running up to him with a frown on my face, I yell, “Hey! What do you think you’re doing?!”

“I’m making you come eat.” He says with a straight face without bothering to look at me.

I huff, “I told you I gotta study. Give me my things back.”

“Not unless you have food in your stomach.”

“And why would you care?” that question makes him stop in his tracks and for a minute, I feel like he might tell me off for being such a bratty child. I realize the stupidity of my statement a few seconds after they slip out of my mouth, but he just turns towards me with an expression I can’t really decipher.

But it kind of looks like...concern, maybe?

“Why can’t I care?”

Good point, Seokjin. I don’t know what to say to that.

“I-I don’t know. I mean--” I proceed to shrug in hopes that he won’t notice that my hands are trembling. And it’s not because it’s freezing outside. “It’s fine, you don’t have to look after me.”

“But I want to.”

I blink at him, “What?”

“You heard me.” He says seriously, voice deepening and eyes darkening, “If you can’t even take care of yourself, then who will?”

“I--”

“It’s getting cold. Let’s get out of here and fill our stomachs.” He turns without another word, starting to walk towards the bus stop. A small smile lingers across my face as I run up to him, something that feels like warmth spreading through my limbs to the tips of my fingers. Suddenly, I don’t feel so cold, and maybe it’s because of his attention, maybe because he’s such a gentleman that sometimes he makes me swoon, but there’s definitely some spark there for Seokjin. I won’t deny that.

And yet, another thought of Namjoon’s face crosses my mind as I sit next to Seokjin on the bus.

I brush it away, not wanting to dwell on such thoughts.

Why can’t my best friend just leave me alone?

----

“A night out once in a while won’t kill you, Yehwa.” Hoseok says at the other end of the line as I bustle about my tiny shared kitchen, phone dangling between the crook of my neck and shoulder blade as I try to chop my vegetable into small pieces.

“It will kill my brain cells.” I reply, my knife slicing through with a steady rhythm.

“What brain cells?” he snickers and I scowl, “Oh off.”

Throughout the course of high school, I’d never imagined me and Hoseok being close enough buddies for us to call each other randomly, especially not over the phone. But ever since University has started, it feels like it has drawn us closer together.

“Everyone will be here. There’ll be Jimin and Jungkook, even Eva’s gonna come and you know how much she hates clubs.”

“Why is she going then?”

“Because I’d told her you’d come.”

“Hoseok!” I want to shake my head in exasperation, but doing so will send my phone flying. I settle to glare at my reflection in the kitchen instead.

“What? I’m not giving you a choice. Eva’s coming because of you. Can’t you do that small effort for a friend?”

In the end, I agree. Not because Hoseok’s pushy or because Eva promised she’d come if I did. I think that out of my own accord, I needed a distraction from the stress of University life. Hoseok had asked me to drag Jin along too, but unfortunately his shift at work ended late that night and he decided to pass.

It feels good to see everyone again. They all seem to be doing pretty good from what I can observe. There’s something going on between Jungkook and Eva, and Jimin’s still with his girlfriend even though they’re doing long distance. It seems to be working and they look pretty happy even if they get to see each other only once every month. I’d never have the courage to be so in love, to throw myself out there over thousands of miles for someone else, not knowing if we’d actually end up together in the end. It’s kind of sad when you think about it, how people fall in love without being aware of the consequences that will follow. Now that I think about it, it’s a miracle Namjoon and Haeryung got into the same University together. Or else that would’ve been another issue that I’d be dragged into.

“God, it’s been so long since I’ve seen you!” Hoseok squeezes me tightly in his arms when he spots my figure by the door, trailing after Namjoon and Haeryung. He’d been hanging out with a bunch of guys from his Courses, but had quickly detached himself when he spotted me. He hadpractically threw himself at me as soon as our eyes met, and I had stumbled back with a groan, complaining about his weight to mask the fact that I did act