New Year comes and goes, but I don’t revel so much in the celebration because of the start of the second semester classes. I try not to ponder too much on my relationship with Jin, coming to the conclusion that it happens to everyone, that once the honeymoon phase is over (as they like to call it), we hit a major slump that we just have to work through. As my mother always says, patience is key, and that’s exactly what I intend to do.

We might not be in the best situation nor are we on the best of terms, but we’re pushing through it and that’s all that matters, the fact that we are both trying to make this thing work.

I hear news of Eva and Jungkook finally making their relationship official, and I’m more than ecstatic to hear about them finally admitting their feelings towards each other. I practically jump into Eva’s arms only to scream into her ear when she finally mutters it under her breath in a one-word sentence. I’m happy for them, happier than I’ve ever been recently. They’ve been floating around with this unidentifiable status for ages and I’m glad that Jungkook has finally grown enough balls to settle down and tell her how he has been feeling for ages.

A few weeks go by without any serious drama, just a constant stream of projects and assignments that I barely manage to finish on time. This semester is rougher due to the higher level classes I decided to take, and because of this Jin and I don’t have that much time to see each other. But if we are to be honest, the time away from him is relieving in a way, even though I know that right now there are still things left unsaid, things that are floating around between us and forming this weird invisible barrier. But it’s therapeutic, not having to think of someone else and instead enjoying my life with my friends, my classmates, making the most out of my experience instead of worrying constantly over his well-being.

But now that he’s come back from his trip, there’s another problem that has arose. He has met up with one of his close friends from high school and even though I’m glad that he has re-established connections with people that he hadn’t seen in so long, the fact that it is a girl does dampen the situation.

“Oh my,” Hoseok’s eyes are rounder than they should be, as wide as saucers as he examines my face for any signs of annoyance or irritation. I make sure to focus on my sandwich instead, “You are totally not okay with that.”

“I’m fine.” I say when in truth that’s the contrary of what I’m feeling, “it’s just his friend.”

“This feels like a deja-vu.” Hoseok says while picking off the tomato from his bread and tipping his head back to eat it. I watch him with curious, yet apprehending eyes. Deep down inside, I think I know what he wants to say and yet pushes it back so that I don’t have to face the true facts, “What do you mean?”

“Remember when Namjoon started dating Haeryung?” Hoseok prompts, “It’s exactly what’s happening, except that it’s your turn this time.”

“What?” I scoff, “That’s not true.”

“It totally is and you know it.” Hoseok replies dryly, and no matter how much I try to deny the fact, it rings at the back of my head like a warning sign, a red banner flashing at the back of my eyes. I don’t want to think about it but it’s crawling back, scratching the surface of my scalp like an itch I can’t seem to get rid of.

“I am not jealous of Jin’s friend.” I argue, throwing him a narrowed stare, “Their relationship has nothing to do with me. If anything, I’m glad he got in touch with her again.”

“Are you really now?” Hoseok’s eyebrow raises up in question, which I feel like wiping off with a slap across his face because he’s being considerately sarcastic and annoying. Instead, I settle for a glare and hope that’s enough to burn his insides to mush.

I decide to call Namjoon during the week when I finally have some free time. Quickly sifting my phone through my bag after the last class has been dismissed, I weigh my options and ask myself whether it’s worth it to go and see if Namjoon’s still around doing his laboratory work. I don’t want to disturb him, but he might be on his break considering that his classes started two hours ago. Then again I don’t know if it’s worth the trek to walk ten minutes in the dead cold with frozen fingers and a nose that would threaten to fall off just to see that he isn’t actually free to talk to me.

But the desire to see him, to talk to him and actually see his physical being makes my feet take a life of their own and before I know it, I’m standing in front of the medical building, breath coming out in wisps of smoke as I push my hood off and enter the heated space.

The staff of the medical department know me by now, if not by name then by face, for the lady on the counter automatically reaches for the intercom to buzz for Namjoon’s assistance, and a few minutes later the tall familiar figure is seen walking down the corridor.

I look up when he approaches, and notice that he’s wearing his ordinary clothes for once. He holds his winter coat in one hand with his bag in the other, and his eyebrows furrowed in confusion when his gaze falls upon mine.

“Yehwa?” he asks quizzically, face morphed with slight concern at my sudden appearance. And I don’t blame him. It’s been a few weeks since I’ve dropped by to actually talk to him, “what are you doing here?” His eyes scan the area only to find me alone, his frown deepening even more, “Did something happen?”

“No.” I stand up as he approaches, something uncomfortable settling in my gut when I realize that he is showing some concern for my well-being. Call me selfish but it makes me happy somehow, to know that he’s still there when I need him, albeit the fact that I might not see him everyday.

“Did you need anything then?” He questions further.
“Do I need a reason for wanting to hang out with my best friend?” I raise a brow in question, to which a grin breaks across his face.

“True,” he admits, his hand unconsciously grabbing my bag for me before hoisting it over his shoulder as we make our way out of the building. The wind bites at my face and makes me hiss in pain. Namjoon only laughs before quickly pulling me to the next building that has an underground passway to the subway station.

“So?” he says when we’re warm and out of the bite of the cold, “What’s up? Your visits have been rare these days. I was surprised to see you when the lady called for me. I thought something had happened to Haeryung or something.”

Of course. The name resonates within me like someone has suddenly lodged a rock in-between my heartstrings, making it slightly uncomfortable and out of place. I shift and try not to think too much about how his thoughts are centered around Haeryung and only Haeryung most of the time, before realizing that he’s still waiting for my response.

“Oh you know, just…” I try to brush it away as a mere coincidence instead, “I was passing by and thought about you and your struggles.”

“Wow, thanks I guess?” he chuckles slightly, “Seriously though, what’s up?”

“Nothing’s up. Like I said, do I need a reason to see you?”

“No, but I can tell.” His gaze on mine, I can feel his brown orbs looking right through me as if I’m nothing more than just glass. That usually aggravates me, but not today. Today, I want to be found guilty, I want him to know just how badly I’ve been dealing with everything.

Part of me just wants to sit there and bawl my eyes out in hopes that he won’t be too shocked and would know what to do with the mess I’d become. The other rational part of me is strictly adamant about not letting anyone see what kind of a hot mess I can become, and for that I must thank the sanity I have left. I wouldn’t forgive myself if I lost the last bit of self-control I have left.

“Want some coffee?”

“Huh?” I’m so lost in my own sea of thoughts that I take a few seconds to register and understand what he just said. “Yeah, sure.”

I don’t say anything, not when we enter the campus coffee shop and not when we’re ordering our drinks (an Americano for him and a skinny latte for me), not when our names get called and not when we settle ourselves at one of the tables.

“So?” Namjoon prompts, “Spill.”

That’s enough encouragement. Without any restraints, I summarize all the trouble I’ve been having with Jin, how we’ve hit some kind of slump and how it’s been hard ever since, how miscommunication is the major issue that Jin does not seem to realize and how he changes when he’s with his friends. How he sometimes decides that ignoring me is best when we’re having heated arguments and how Jin feels like he never does anything wrong, which he doesn’t. To be honest, I’m the one to be called dramatic, not because I explode at every single word he says but because he actually never says anything. He is very passive, even during our fights, and part of what frustrates me the most is that he never actually stands up for himself. He always says sorry and always apologizes, but for what? Does he actually know what he’s apologizing for?

And then I give him a shortened version of Jin getting in touch with one of his friends from back home and I can feel rather than see the blossoming understanding and empathy that spreads across Namjoon’s expression, as if the secrets of the universe have been revealed.

“I mean it’s not that important but-- I mean--” I bite my lip, part of me wishing that Namjoon wouldn’t make fun of the situation considering he has been in a similar one, with me being the unwelcome friend that Haeryung had been so mad at. “I know that I shouldn’t be jealous and I’m not. I just-- with everything that’s been going on these days, I really don’t know where I stand and Jin doesn’t ing communicate.”

If I look up into Namjoon’s brown orbs right now, I might break down and I don’t want that. Not in a public space, not somewhere on campus where the chances of seeing someone I know is most likely. My lips are trembling just at the mere thought of it and while my heart is tugging, asking me to break down and cry once and for good into the arms of someone that knows me better than anyone else does, I clamp my teeth down onto them and practically squeeze the life out of my coffee cup, almost creating a dent into the cardboard.

Part of me wishes he’d just shut up if he had anything mean to say, which I know he does, because the more I think of the Jin situation with his friend, the more I see the resemblance with ours.

“How long has this been going on?” Namjoon finally asks.

Lifting my head and expecting to see the teasing light in his eyes, I’m surprised that his maroon orbs are swimming with sympathy, with genuine worry, just like the Namjoon I used to know back in the old days.

And maybe that Namjoon has never left. Maybe I had been blind instead. Blinded by my own selfish emotions.

“What? Jin and the other girl?”

He shakes his head, “No. All these problems you’ve been having.”

I bite my lip, “I don’t know. A few months.” a shaky breath leaves my lips, “I don’t know what’s happening. I don’t know what’s going through his head and every time I try, he doesn’t meet me halfway. It’s tiring, I’m tired.”

He gazes at me for a moment, judging the situation, eyes scanning my face and gauging my expression. My eyes flutter back down and focus on my cup of coffee instead, wishing to just disappear so that all the problems would just disappear with me. It had been so long since Jin and I actually spent time together willingly. I still saw him everyday at the library or in between classes. We tried to eat lunch together when he wasn’t busy with his projects and assignments, or out-of-class activities that he was always so involved in, but we haven’t spent some time alone apart from that, haven’t done something fun, nor have we gone on a date. The only date I remember is that horrible day where I had to encounter his group of friends. They hadn’t left a good impression on me, no matter how many excuses Jin had tried making to salvage their image.

“I think you should talk to him.” Namjoon’s voice, soft and comforting, is like a lullaby in my ears, but a lullaby of words I’ve heard on repeat from various sources.

“I told you I tried that.” I say in an exasperated tone, knowing that it’s the only way to cope with the situation even when the other half of the responsible party isn’t willing to. Talking things out is important and yet that’s the thing we’re having trouble dealing with.

“Did you actually tell him straight up that you were upset?” Namjoon puts his elbows on the table, “Does he know you’re upset at all? He might not even be aware of how this is affecting you.”

“Well, I tried telling him.”

“If trying means that you beat around the bush, I’m already telling you that’s not gonna work” Namjoon counters, raising his cup to take a sip, “Boys are stupid and dense, shallow most of the time. They wouldn’t be able to see if there was something wrong even if it was staring at them right in the face.”

“It’s not that he doesn’t understand, he just doesn’t want to listen.” there is a tightness in my chest, as if someone is pinching my h