The door opens with a soft click and Namjoon sighs in relief when it swings back silently without any creaking noise that might wake Haeryung up. He usually isn’t so secretive about such trivial matters such as sneaking out at night and coming back so late that the sun’s up in the sky already, but these past few weeks he feels as though he’s been walking on a tightrope, that every single move he makes is being measured and weighed, as if he’s being surveillanced from camera monitors and that his girlfriend would come jumping out at him at any moment because of something he has done wrong once again.

It hasn’t always been this way. On the contrary, it had gotten better a few months back right after Yehwa had her talk with his girlfriend, clarifying the fact that there was nothing between them and that Haeryung didn’t have to be worried about such things in the first place. But as the months flew by and as Yehwa’s presence got more and more entangled in Namjoon’s daily life, so did Haeryung’s restlessness. It had started with the smallest things, like letting her know wherever he was going and her asking about who he was meeting. Namjoon knows that it’s still ingrained in the back of her mind like a seed of doubt that can’t be removed so easily, but he gets tired of telling her over and over again that there’s nothing between him and his best friend, tired of her always questioning his every move and always being suspicious about his whereabouts.

Things haven’t been going great between them. Which is one of the reasons as to why he had opted to go to Yehwa’s place instead. He isn’t sure whether Haeryung would’ve welcomed him with open arms and given him the comfort he had needed last night.

He had asked himself as he’d been walking back from Yehwa’s place, why he had decided to go to her place when he had broken out of that habit a few years ago. But there had just been something so right with her fingers circling along his back and her soft heartbeat echoing through his ear when he had nestled his neck into the crook of her head. Her comforting scent had lulled him to sleep and for once Namjoon had woken up feeling at peace and serene.

Why? He thinks to himself as he deposits his bag by the door and stumbles out of his shoes. Why am I suddenly being so dependent on Yehwa when I have Haeryung? It doesn’t make sense.

And speaking of the devil, Namjoon feels her standing by the door before seeing her. She’s wearing her pink nightie that he usually has a soft spot for, the one that slips down her shoulder in her sleep and slides over her body, landing right beneath her like second skin.

On any normal day, he’d appreciate her bodily curves just like any boyfriend would.

But the echoes of last night, the flitting thought of the events still tumbled through his mind and made it impossible to focus on anything else.

And amidst all that, the question as to why Yehwa’s been more and more on his mind these past few days is present, anchored into his thoughts like a constant reminder.

“Where have you been?” Haeryung’s voice is laced with tiredness, Namjoon notes without fully facing her. He can hear it through her soprano, he knows her that well.

And because he knows her well, he feels her restrained anger from a mile off.

“Out.”

“Where?” She demands, walking straight up to him and turning him by the shoulder so that he’s facing her, facing her anger-filled eyes and her strained mouth flattened into a tense line. There’s a crease between her eyebrows, something that Namjoon rarely saw during their high school days.

He sees it more and more often now, ever since they started university.

“I asked you a question.” one would’ve been an idiot to miss the tension in her voice, “Where did you go last night?”

“Does it matter?” He’s tired and doesn’t want to fight. Not here, not right now.

“Yes it does, Namjoon” Her voice is shaking, as if she’s about to break at any moment, “You can’t just send me a message telling me you won’t be home without any explanation, without saying a ing thing.”

“I had a rough day.” He replies, shrugging out of her grip, “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“You went to Yehwa’s.” Her statement hits the bull’s eye, “You went and stayed at her house, didn’t you?”

“I went to Hoseok’s.” Namjoon answers.

“Stop lying. I called him to ask.”

“What?” He whirls around to face her, nostrils suddenly flaring in irritation, “Why would you do that?”
“Why would you lie to me?!” She yells suddenly, “Why would you even lie to me if there was nothing between the two of you?!”

“Because you’re always overreacting when it’s about Yehwa.”

“I overreact because you give me reason to.”

“Bull Haeryung!” He bellows, “I thought we were over this.”

“Clearly not, since you actually ran to Yehwa’s place yesterday night and lied to me about it.” Haeryung crosses her arms over her chest in a protective stance, her features flattening out into a poker-faced, ice cold expression.

Namjoon’s hands reach up to ruffle his hair, raking his fingers through his brown locks in an attempt to regain a sense of composure.

This is stupid and he doesn’t feel like dealing with all these issues when his brain and body are asking for sleep. There’s just so much that’s been happening inside his head and he just wants to forget everything for a little while, even if it’s only temporary.

“Okay. I’m sorry.” he finally says, “It wasn’t my intention to lie to you, and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you where I went after my shift.”

“I was worried sick.” Haeryung answers in a clipped tone, “I called you so many times and you never once answered your phone.”

“I know.” Namjoon says, “I’m sorry, okay?”

“Whatever.” He feels her swivel around on her feet, hears her pad away after her small outburst and doesn’t move until after he hears the door closing to signal that she’s shut herself up in her room, probably sulking after their fight like she always does. Sometimes, she’d go on for hours, ignoring his presence and trying to make as if Namjoon didn’t exist. He had found it cute at first, how she tried so hard to be neutral, to be unaffected by everything he said or did. But in the long run it got tiring and Namjoon didn’t know how much more he could tolerate her immature acts.

He isn’t sure how to feel about everything, isn’t sure how their relationship has turned out this way when he remembers how joyful, how happy they’ve always made each other. All the memories start flowing through his mind, memories where there hadn’t been any questions and no fights, where there hadn’t been jealousy involved and where there were no lies to tell.

Namjoon wishes he could go back to that time, but like seasons, relationships changed and right now, just like winter, he feels the icy drop between him and Haeryung’s feelings.

When had things started going wrong?

-----

Finals roll by and the semester slowly draws to an end. Christmas lights and wreaths are placed up, golden lights adorning the city and breathing life into the surrounding buildings. It’s like Christmas produces a glow, a happiness that only can be produced in this time of year. The streets are filled with bustling activity, people are christmas shopping and sales are happening everywhere. It is definitely the season to be merry and there’s nothing better than actually seeing it unfold right before your very eyes. As a kid, I’ve always believed in father christmas and Namjoon had always managed to act as a stand-in and feed my fantasies even when my parents had already told me years ago that the only father christmas around was my mother. But as I look around and take in the busy streets, the smell of peppermint in the air and the calling of the street vendors for some Christmas deals, it brings back the memories of us both curling up on the couch with steaming hot chocolate, warm and cupped in our cold hands, the smell of baked goods wafting through the air as Namjoon’s mother would prepare dessert in the kitchen while we’d lounge about and binge-watch a series of christmas movies one after another.

Our tradition had continued up until last year, when Namjoon had decided to spend his Christmas eve with Haeryung instead, which was totally understandable considering that it was a season for lovers and couples alike to display their affection for each other. And yet, I had felt this sadness, the loneliness that filled me up on that particular day. I remember how my mother had been worried that we had gotten into fight although I repeated a thousand times that Namjoon had gotten himself a significant other. I remember looking out of the window a the falling snowflakes, a small part of me still hoping that Namjoon would turn up at my doorstep and magically appear with a gift and a few cookies tucked under his arm, sent by his mother.

Oh his mother had baked a few goods and had sent them earlier this week, but it just hadn’t been the same as eating them with Namjoon, nor had it felt very thrilling to watch all those movies alone and wondering how he was doing at this particular time.

This year will probably be no different. Namjoon had Haeryung and Eva had Jungkook. Hoseok and JImin would usually spend Christmas with their families and Jin probably wants to do something, just the two of us.

Part of me is excited at the prospect of spending my first romantic christmas with my boyfriend, while the other part fervently hopes that m