Mark realizes he probably needs to talk to some of the members alone. Of course, he wants for them to be able to share with each other, but he somehow doubts everyone will want to sit in a little circle and blurt out their feelings. Frankly… he’s not very comfortable with that idea either.

He knows he has to, and he will. That doesn’t make him any more comfortable, doesn’t make him feel any more secure. He’s supposed to be unaffected by this, supposed to have completely recovered, but there are times when he’s lost to those words threading through his mind, when his thoughts are completely overwhelmed by a tsunami of hate. Telling the others about it seems too…intimate, for lack of better word.

Mark’s still afraid to do that, even though he knows it’s necessary. He’s going to do it.

“—Hyung? Mark??” He’s snapped from his thoughts by Donghyuck’s persistent voice filtering in, tinged with worry, “Hey? Are you listening?”

“Sorry Hyuck.” He shakes his head, biting his lip, before poking his head out to look at the occupant of the lower bunk, “I was kind of… lost in thought? It won’t happen again, I promise.”

“Relax.” Donghyuck rolls his eyes, staring up at him, hair messy and falling all over the place, “Do you….”

He trails off here, cheeks pinking, as Mark tries to figure out what’s going on through his head. It’s nothing serious, is it? His pulse quickens at the thought that he might’ve done something wrong to annoy the younger boy, maybe even frustrate him.

“What?” He asks meekly, voice faltering as though it’s rising and falling back in fright, “What is it?”

“I…” Donghyuck looks at loss for words, which is worrying enough, until he says, “It’s kind of hard to sleep when it’s so cold.”

Mark’s eyes widen at that, a surprised smile working its tentative way onto his lips. He’s… not mistaken, right?

“You want me to come down?” He asks, heart lodged firmly in his throat, as he waits for Donghyuck’s answer. This isn’t the first time they’ve had this sort of interaction—but, it’s the first time in a long time.

“…Sure.”

It’s not a glaring ‘please come cuddle with me’ but Mark will take what he can get, and he practically leaps down the ladder in ways that Taeyong would disapprove of to clamber into Donghyuck’s bed.

“Oomf!” Donghyuck gives a pained wheeze as Mark accidentally elbows him in the gut as they try to get comfortable. Mark feels the slow flame of guilt start biting at him as he shifts so that his arms wrap loosely around the other boy’s waist.

“Sorry.” The word feels heavy in his mouth, like it’s all he’s been saying, “I d-didn’t see you there—”

“Don’t worry about it.” Donghyuck hums, practically rolling onto him, “You can just pay me back by buying lunch.”

Mark makes a garbled protest that has no heat to it, and Donghyuck giggles lightly, before pressing his chin to Mark’s head. Even though he’s shorter, Donghyuck usually insists on being the ‘big spoon’ and Mark doesn’t have the heart to refute it. It’s not like he’s against the idea either; he doesn’t really care one way or the other.

“You’re so weird.” Donghyuck sighs contentedly as Mark presses his nose into his sweater, “Ugh, are you sniffing me?”

“No.” Mark says staunchly, as he continues to nuzzle his best friend, “Your sweater’s just really soft and fuzzy.”

…that’s probably worse than admitting Donghyuck smells nice.

“Whatever.” Mark groans when Donghyuck starts cracking up, though a small smile pulls at his lips too, “Let’s just sleep.”

“Right, sleep, yeah.” Donghyuck smirks, closing his eyes as Mark lets his eyelids droop shut. This is perfect. It’s quiet, it’s warm, and it’s so familiarafter all that they’ve been through and he doesn’t want it to ever end. He wouldn’t change anything about this.

A few moments later, a quiet snicker permeates the air, and Mark groans.

Okay, maybe he would.

He finds Renjun first thing in the morning.

The boy’s clearly distraught, Mark notices with slowly mounting guilt—guilt that he squashes down firmly—as he observes him. If his appearance—pale, cheeks splotchy, eyes puffy— doesn’t give it up, the way he’s trying to cook is certainly a dead giveaway. It’s…disturbingly similar to how Mark imagines he was. Deadened, drowned by guilt and pulled back down with every attempt to break the surface.

And see, Mark still is. He still feels that way sometimes, like a lingering ache in his chest. He sometimes wonders if he’s ever going to be alright, if the Not Okay will go away. He knows it won’t, though, and he’s starting to make his peace with it. Even if… even if it’s not what he wants.

Renjun’s drowning, clearly, but Mark doesn’t intend to let him.

“Hey,” He says quietly, watching as the younger boy stiffens. Mark’s thoughts instinctively take a nosedive—Renjun’s clearly disgusted to see him, doesn’t want him—before he regains his bearings, and takes a step forward. He’s glad the other members haven’t come out yet, “Are you making breakfast?”

Renjun doesn’t answer for a minute, and Mark feels concern sweep through him at the sight of the boy’s trembling shoulders.

“Yes.” He lets out finally, short and terse.

The disconnect becomes too much, for a brief moment. Mark doesn’t know what he could possibly say to bridge the gap, wishes he could just pull Renjun in for a hug and let it all out. He can’t do that, though, not when his friend is so fragile, guilty of a crime he didn’t commit.

So, Mark just brushes past him, reaching for a cup on the shelf and heading to the fridge to get out some milk. The way Renjun freezes up doesn’t go unnoticed, but Mark knows that paying it too much mind to every little detail is just going to hurt him.

Renjun doesn’t hate him. The words are a lie.

“Hyung.” Mark nearly drops the glass at how Renjun’s voice suddenly permeates the silence, heart hammering against his chest as he turns to look at him with wide eyes; he didn’t expect the Chinese boy to actually speak to him. Renjun isn’t facing him, head bowed as he stares intently at the skillet.

“W-What is it?” Mark his lips nervously, feeling sick to his gut in apprehension. Still, there’s one emotion that overrides it: hope.

“Why did you stand up for me?” It’s whooshed out in one breath, and Mark freezes up, unsure of how to respond. There are lots of things he expected Renjun to want to know but this… this wasn’t even on his mind.

“What?” Is all he can let out dumbly, and he wants to hit himself. Renjun’s trying to reach out, and Mark’s here, being obtuse.

Idiot.

“That…that day.” Renjun finally turns around, and Mark can see his face clearly for the first time. It tangles knots in his chest, the sight of him, and Mark has no one to blame but himself. And this is true, it’s not the… the break speaking, it’s concrete, with its proof standing right in front of him. “You were trying to stand up for me.”

“Of course I was going to do that!” Mark quickly sets down the carton of milk, wanting to tackle his friend in a giant hug, let reassurance replace that sadness. He refrains, though, knowing it’s not going to help, not just yet. “Renjunnie, you’re – you’re my friend.”

Seeing Renjun’s eyebrows furrow, he quickly adds, “No matter who it is, I’m always going to want to stand up for you guys. It’s not just because I’m your leader or something, but because…”

Mark flushes, biting his lip as he lets it out. “Because I love you guys.”

“Hyung,” Renjun’s eyes are watering, Mark notices with growing dread—of course he’s gone and messed things up—but he’s wholly unprepared for the younger boy to fling himself into his arms, “I-I’m s-sorry.”

“No.” Mark quickly winds his arms around Renjun’s thin form, finding comfort in the warmth of his skin, seeping through his clothes. “No, ‘Junnie, you don’t have to be sorry.”

When Renjun sniffles, Mark knows what he needs to do.

“I don’t regret it.” He says firmly, squeezing tighter, and pressing their cheeks together as Renjun makes a low noise of surprise. “I really don’t. I’d do it all over again if I had to, I swear.”

“Why?” Renjun’s voice is small, and he finally sags against Mark, let’s his tears drip onto his shoulders. “Why would you—?”

“Because we’re…we’re family.” Mark stays strong, though he falters when he realizes that none of them have ever said that to each other and maybe he’s wrong. “We – we are, aren’t we?”

“Yes.” Renjun chokes out, and Mark rubs the hiccupping boy’s back as soothingly as he can. “I’m s-sorry, I’m s-so sorry…”

Mark doesn’t interrupt him as he continues to shake in his arms. He knows Renjun needs this, much like Mark did—no, still does. It never really goes away, the guilt weighing heavily in your heart.

But it can get better, and that’s something Mark is willing to put faith in.

“Did the hyungs say anything about what—” Jeno cuts himself off, as all of them finally sit together again. There’s a certain heaviness in the air that wasn’t there before; and it continues to push at Mark’s chest, make him breathless.

Still, though, it’s progress, and Mark will take what he can get.

“No.” Donghyuck answers in his stead, and Mark wonders when he’s started giving the younger boy the reigns, when he’s stopped taking everything onto his shoulders and has started putting them all onto Donghyuck’s. “I mean, they said that the company’s doing some internal work, but nothing else.”

“Internal work?” Jisung wrinkles his nose, and it shouldn’t be as adorable as it is. Mark misses seeing Jisung being adorable, but hopefully he’ll get the chance to see it more, now.

Everything is going to be okay. He needs to relax.

“They’re going to fire him, and get him blacklisted, basically.” Mark explains, unable to help himself from twisting his fingers nervously. “Hopefully, they should be able to do that without anything being leaked to the press.”

“How’re they going to stop him from saying anything though?” Jaemin asks curiously, lip jutting out in thought. The him in that sentence doesn’t need to be explained, since everyone knows who he’s talking about.

Mark struggles not to let his eyes burn in reminder, though his chest feels like it’s compressing at the thought of it all.  He doesn’t want to recall this – this—

Jaemin shrieks faintly when Chenle pokes his bottom lip—essentially breaking Mark from his thoughts—and looks at the younger boy with an affronted expression. “Chenle!”

“You – you looked cute?” The Chinese boy offers hesitantly, and Mark can see the tension lining Renjun’s shoulders from where he’s sitting. He’s been overprotective ever since their talk and Mark can’t blame him, honestly. It’s how he copes.

“Fine.” Jaemin sighs poutily, and the tension breaks, everyone in the room exhaling in relief from a burden they aren’t aware of. “But seriously, how?”

“I’m not sure.” Mark tries not to think too much about it, tries not to remember the phantom grip encompassing his wrists, or the sting of pain running around his hip. “W-we’ve gotta assume they know what they’re doing.”

“Oh.”

Silence descends upon everyone once again, and Mark doesn’t want things to be like this, so weird and stilted and not them again. He throws Donghyuck a panicked look, and the brunette sighs in answer, rocking to his feet and clapping his hands together.

“Alright!” He shouts, evidently startling everyone. Renjun’s eyes are wide, and he’s clutching at his chest from the spontaneity of Donghyuck’s outburst. “We’re watching TV and I’m not taking no for an answer!”

“No.” Jisung offers dryly, in a quickfire response, and Jeno’s eyes crinkle as he struggles to hold back a snort at Donghyuck’s affronted expression. Mark’s pretty much the same; he presses a hand to his mouth as he watches Jaemin crack up, losing it completely, while Chenle giggles helplessly.

Renjun’s the only one who’s remotely on Donghyuck’s side, though a smile threatens to break through on his face as well.

“Let’s pick out a movie?” He suggests, getting up from the couch to get the remote. Almost immediately, Chenle drapes himself across the free space, claiming it’s his with a gleeful shriek.

“Oh my god.” Mark says quietly to himself, watching as Jaemin hip checks Donghyuck away from Renjun so that he can get the remote first. It’s like—

“How it used to be.” Jeno’s voice is soft, and Mark starts, not having realized the boy’s by his side. “It’s been a long time since we’ve gotten to do this, hasn’t it?”

“Yeah.” Mark agrees, trying not to let the guilt rise again, not now, not after everything. Jeno must notice his torn expression, because he sets a hand on Mark’s shoulder and squeezes it in what’s supposed to be a encouraging gesture.

“Ow.” Is what Mark lets out instead of the heartfelt thanks his mind had been preparing, and Jeno’s mouth drops open in horror.

“Hyung, I’m sorry!” He squeaks, eyes wide, and Mark quickly cuts him off. “I really didn’t mean to—”

“It’s okay!” He assures his friend quickly, hesitantly patting his back. “We’re all good!”

“Still, I’m sorry!”

“Don’t—” Mark’s breath catches in his throat, and he looks sadly at the younger boy, remembering times when even mild bruises wouldn’t deter them. “Don’t do that, please.”

Jeno’s eyebrows furrow as he, no doubt, tries to make sense of what Mark’s said. His expression quickly clears, though, and he smiles and nods, eyes crinkling into familiar crescents. A sight for sore eyes, really.

“Sorry – I mean; I won’t.” He promises, and Mark slings an arm around him in answer, letting his eyes roam across the room, drinking in the sight of s acting, for the first time in a long time; their age.

“How long do you think this is going to last?” He asks Jeno softly, eyes catching Donghyuck’s inadvertently; the brunette in question just grins at him triumphantly, with the remote in his outstretched hand…

Only for Chenle to snatch it away with a high-pitched dolphin noise that’s probably meant to be a giggle.

“Maybe a while.” Jeno answers dutifully, and Mark feels overwhelmed at the warmth in his eyes. “But it’s okay, hyung. I think we’ll get there.”

And it’s not over. It’s far from over, and Mark knows that. Their hyungs may be telling them not to worry about things, but Mark knows there’s still work to be done. That he’s still a work in progress; and it’s okay, even if it doesn’t feel that way. That, even if his hands tremble, even if his movements falter, even if he’s not perfect, no one’s going to cast him aside, leave him to be forgotten. It’s not okay yet, but it might be, one day, and that’s something Mark is going to have to work towards and he knows that.

“I think,” Mark says slowly, a nervous smile pulling at his lips as he catches Jeno’s earnest gaze, “You might just be right.”

Just two more chapters to go!