Myung Soo (Last Part): Passing By
Paris: The City of My Heart
1 Voilà!: lo and behold!
2 Un aller simple pour…: One single ticket to...
3 Tu ferais mieux de te dépêcher, Monsieur: You better hurry, Sir.
4 Le train au départ dans deux minutes: The train leaves in two minutes.
I didn’t respond to Krystal’s statement and she assumed we were in that kind of relationship. Or perhaps, I let her think so. She would ask me out to the movies, dinner, and events. I didn’t really make it clear with her about our relationship because… I just thought maybe I should give it a try. Try to move on. Amber would want me to be happy right? Although I wasn’t as happy as I was with her, Krystal kept me sane.
Of course, Old Man and Hyun Ah didn’t like our development. The surprising thing was that he didn't do anything about it and let Hyun Ah have her way. It irritated me that he didn't take this approach with Amber, though I was glad no life would be eliminated by him again because of me.
Whenever I was with Krystal, I was always there physically, but not mentally. I was far away with Amber, wherever she was, holding her tight as I looked into her eyes, the window to her soul that I love. Everything that I did and everywhere that I went to reminded me of her. Wherever I went to, I kept wishing I could show and share with her. Isn't that what loving someone like? You'd always want to show her the world, your world, and share it with her; sharing your past, present, and future. Whenever these thoughts seep into my mind, I'd feel breathless and I could feel my heart breaking into tiny pieces and shattering to the ground. I couldn't deny the fact that Amber had grasped my whole life and being, and when she left, she took everything with her. I became nothing but an empty shell. My tears had dried out and my agonies were all squeezed within my heart, and nothing else mattered anymore.
They say a day feels like years when you're alone. That's the reason why we all need a companion, someone to spend the rest of our life with. When Krystal was around, time passed fast that I didn’t even notice it. The only reason that made me stay with her was the fact that things weren't so overwhelming anymore. But I couldn't help feeling sorry for Krystal. Every time I tried to move on, I couldn't. My chest felt so tight that I couldn't breathe. Not only did I feel like I was cheating on Amber, but the idea of how ridiculous the whole situation was confused me even more.
I was sitting on Krystal's bed watching The Hunger Games with her one weekend on her laptop. It was raining and we were taking refuge under her blanket. We were never really intimate; the farthest we had gone to was holding hands. She has warm soft hands like Amber, but the butterflies and chest thumps were never there. But it didn’t feel uncomfortable, so I didn't mind.
As I sat there watching the movie, I thought that if I was with Amber, I would've taken her into my arms and let the warmth of skin touch. I then felt Krystal's elbow brushed my arm. It felt like a nudge, so I turned to ask her what was wrong.
"Sorry," she apologised softly.
When my eyes locked with hers, I realised how close we were. Instantly, I turned away and shifted inches from her. But she grabbed my cheek and the next thing she did made my breath hitch. My body stiffened for a moment, feeling her soft lips against mine. When the surprise subsided an instant later, I expected the heart beat or anything that would show my slight affection for her. I waited. But there was nothing. I felt like wood.
I raised my hand to push her away when I heard Jessica's calling out for Krystal and the door burst open and someone turned the light on. We broke away to find three people staring at us flabbergasted. They were Jessica, Jae with a sleeping Kyung San in his arm, and his brother Hyun Joong. Hyun Joong is taller and a tad tanner than Jae. He has a shy character and doesn’t talk to anyone he isn't close with.
I could sense Krystal blushing furiously as she yelled at the three intruders, "Do you know how to knock?! It's basic mannerism, you know?!"
"Sorry," Jess squeaked and quickly pulled the others out before slamming the door. I saw Jae's amused face, along with Hyun Joong's pale façade, before the door closed and made the barrier between us.
There was immediately an unpleasant silence in the room. I pushed myself off the bed and declared, "I better go home. I'll see you soon."
Without so much as a backward glance, I left her room, bid the other three people in the living room goodbye, and left. I just needed time on my own and get things in order. I needed a moment to think.
~✡~✡~
One day at choir practice, Krystal asked to borrow my phone to text Jessica about dinner. When she returned it, I realised my screensaver was gone and I accused Krystal for deleting it. I knew it was wrong to have another girl’s photo on my phone, but Krystal rarely checked and that was possibly the only one time she had ever looked at my phone since we got together. An argument ensued in the church. I was furious. The boys tried to hold me from getting near Krystal as she pleaded in frustration.
“I didn’t do it, L. I swear!” She tried to push the others away, believing that she could handle me herself, but they were trying to protect her. “I—”
“She didn’t do it,” suddenly Hyun Ah’s voice was heard. “I did.”
Krystal gaped at Hyun Ah in disbelief. I also glared at her, not appreciating what she had done. I stomped up towards her and roared, “Why did you do that? How dare you?”
“Why not?” she asked back calmly, her remote look returning. “You wanted to move on, right? That’s why—”
“I love her,” I proclaimed the open secret, hurt and disappointment loaded me. Memories are the only remnants of Amber that I had, how could she do that when she knew, more than anyone else, how important Amber is to me.
She broke our eye contact and turned to Krystal with a smug. “I told you. He doesn’t love you. He hasn’t changed.” She turned back to me angrily and said, “You never changed, Oppa. You’re still the same! You’re still the same fool you were five years ago! You still get affected by the slightest mention of her name or anything involving her. Will you ever move on?”
“I’m moving on now, aren’t I?!” I yelled at her. My blood was boiling as pain burnt in my chest. I moved on, what more does she want? I can’t make everyone happy all the time. “Isn’t this what everyone wants?”
Hyun Ah’s eyes were wide, shimmering with tears threatening to fall as the wound in her heart reopened. “But NOT with her!” She pointed to Krystal who, surprisingly, was very composed towards the whole incident.
“What’s going on?” Hyun Joong Kim asked in irritation. “Are you telling me Krystal is going out with L when he’s in love with someone else?” His dark eyebrows lifted in fury as his piercing glare was on me.
Nobody answered as the choir members exchanged glances, trying to mind their business and not probe around in other people's. Krystal strode over and rounded her hands on my arm. It was like telling me that everything was fine and it will be fine.
“I know. I know he’s still not over her, but I never told him to. Unlike you, I accept him and her. I may be the other choice in his heart, but he knows as well as I do, I’m the only choice he has in this life.”
~✡~✡~
I was relieved to discover that I had copies on my laptop and Hyun Ah was consequently forgiven for her recklessness. However, after that incident, I couldn’t let Krystal go on like that anymore. It wasn’t right. She knew as well as I knew that I would never get over Amber. The only way to make things right was to get Amber out and let Krystal to move in, but nobody could just move in and get Amber out. The burden of guilt and resentment kept holding me back. I would soon have to go back to antidepressants if I didn’t do anything about it.
At the same time, I realised Hyun Joong’s feeling for Krystal. Like I said, he is always in the background and too reserved to talk to anyone, hence it was a surprise to everyone that he spoke up that time. I could see that he almost punched me right then, but restrained himself to do so.
One weekend, Jae Joong invited us to go camping. The ones to go were him, Jessica, Kyung San, Krystal, Hyun Joong, and me, but I decided to take Hyun Ah along. I didn’t want her to feel left out and she made me feel somewhat more secure. I didn’t want the Old Man to do anything to Krystal. It was enough what he did to Amber. There shouldn’t be a next.
If I were to move on, the rule was to be with Hyun Ah. But both Hyun Ah herself and the Old Man would not get it that she would never be a choice. It was distressing to see her struggling as much as I did.
At the campsite, the girls had their own conversation as they played with Kyung San, while the men had our own as we went on a search for sticks or branches to make fire. Hyun Ah was reluctant to be friendly to Krystal, but Jessica managed to make her feel better.
“You can punch me if you want,” I said to Hyun Joong as we went with Jae Joong into the woods.
Hyun Joong wouldn’t look at me. He said, “I won’t punch you. You’re not worth it.”
I let out a minuscule smile and sighed, agreeing to his point. “I know.”
“Guys, I don’t want any of you to fight okay,” Jae Joong had said.
We had our private conversation about sport and girls. The two brothers play soccer and invited me to play with them on the weekends when I want to. Jessica was Jae Joong’s second girlfriend and he wasn’t a when they met. Hyun Joong never had a girlfriend, as Jae Joong had told, because “he is too hung up on Krystal since they first met at church during high school”. I couldn’t help but gape at Hyun Joong following this revelation. How was it that he never approached her? Krystal never really talked about him, so I assumed they just weren't close and there had not been any proper interaction.
They asked about Amber and I told them what an amazing girl she was; still is and will forever be to me. It made me feel slightly lighter to talk about her again as if everything was normal and she had never left. It also felt good to be able to talk to the two men because it was like talking to Sung Yeol. Speaking of Sung Yeol, we had lost contact and it seemed like he didn’t make any effort to fix the situation, which irritated me to wits' end.
“Have you ever thought of finding another girl?” Jae Joong asked out of curiosity. “I mean you don’t plan to stay single all your life right?”
“Have you forgotten, hyung?” Hyun Joong’s sarcasm filled the air. “He moved on to Krystal.”
Jae Joong chuckled. “Oh, stop being a whiner! Krystal’s fine with it, so why do you have to care?”
“Of course I care!” the younger sibling snapped irritably, his eyes widening in displeasure.
I said to Hyun Joong, “If you love her, just say it. Just say it right then. Out loud. Otherwise the moment just passes you by.”
Jae Joong laughed breathlessly. “I think he has tried million times. He’s just too scared.”
“I’m not scared of doing it!” Hyun Joong countered, then he fiddled with the branch in his grip. “I’m just afraid of being rejected." Then, he added edgily to me, "And the one she likes is you."
I could only feel bad about the whole situation. I told them about my plan of talking to Krystal about it. It was just very stupid and obviously wrong. I can’t let it go on anymore because it’s not fair to Krystal. Hyun Joong was happy to hear, but he was worried about Krystal's reaction. Jae and I were too.
"You just have to try, Hyun Joong," Jae Joong encouraged. "Stop being a coward and just go for it. What's the worst that's going to happen? In twenty years time, you will regret the things that you didn't do rather than the ones you did.”
I put my hand on Hyun Joong’s arm in a brotherly way as I said, “If you like her and she makes you happy, then don’t let her go! Just go for it!”
“That’s right!” Jae Joong agreed, to my pleasure, and we exchanged smiles.
“You know, before Amber and I got together, I thought she didn't like me at all because I never seemed to have any effect on her,” I shared with them. “But then… voilà!1 We got together.” I shrugged casually.
“What did you say to her?” Hyun Joong wanted to know. His forehead creased as Jae Joong leaned in towards me, both were full of interest.
“Nothing. I just kissed her.”
~✡~✡~
When we returned to the camp site, Hyun Ah and Krystal were nowhere to be seen. Jess was sitting at the opening of her tent, reading a story book for Kyung San, who was on her lap. I looked around for any sign of the two girls just as Krystal exited their tent and greeted us. I asked for Hyun Ah’s whereabouts and Krystal casually said, “In the tent. You don’t want to go in there.” It was like a warning.
I frowned in response and wondered why. “Hyun Ah?” I called out to her.
There was a moment of silence before Hyun Ah’s tensed voice was heard. “Y-yes, Oppa?”
“Are you okay?”
No answer came and I was getting worried. I stepped forward to see her inside, but Krystal stood in between me and the tent to block my way. My eyebrow arched in confusion at Krystal’s sudden protectiveness of Hyun Ah. “It’s period cramp.”
“Oh,” I said, understanding the whole situation. “Will she be okay?”
“I gave her some Panadol since that’s all I have. We didn’t bring any hot pack.”
I nodded, not familiar with this whole women’s business. Though, I was glad Krystal and Hyun Ah’s relationship seemed to have improved.
~✡~✡~
I ended things with Krystal soon after the camp. Not without a good ending, though. After we ended the relationship maturely and peacefully, she said, “Thank you for the past six months, L. I was happy. I hope it wasn’t too bad for you too.” She put her hand over mine and grasped on it. “I hope you’ll be happy, with or without her. I’m sure she’d want you to be happy too.” I thanked her for her understanding and support these past years, apologising for my behaviour in the six months that we were together. “Thanks to you, I now have a new idea about relationship.”
“Oh really? What is that?” I wanted to know.
“Someone who can love me like you love Amber and thinks the world of me like you think of her.” And I just knew who the perfect person for her would be. “I hope we’re still friends after this.”
“Of course we are,” I instantly said, gaining a big smile from her.
“Even after I have a new boyfriend?”
I laughed and reminded her, “Remember, you can’t be the other choice, you have to be the only one.”
With that, we ended our relationship with a hug and carried on with a friendship.
~✡~✡~
Life goes on normally. Earth keeps rotating and time keeps passing. After graduation, I work for the government as a Chemical Assessor. It’s a full-time job with a reasonable salary. Everything else remains the same. Krystal and I are still friends. The only two differences are: one, she has been in a relationship with Hyun Joong ever since we broke up; second, Hyun Ah and Krystal began their love-hate friendship. Their private joke is always “If I can’t have L, then you can’t either”, which never failed to earn an eye roll from me and jealousy from Hyun Joong. But they get on fine. We get on fine.
Kyung San grows up to be an adorable boy, to his parents’ pleasure. I couldn’t help wondering what my kids would be like if I ever have any. I don’t plan to find another person because I know that as long as I’m still in love with Amber, it would never happen. And the comforting part is I don’t mind at all.
It has been ten years. It feels like it was only yesterday that I woke up in Korea and almost had a fit over it. Krystal’s right. The grief has lessened and although it hasn’t gone away completely, it is less overwhelming.
What would life be without Amber? Would it be better or worse?
I never thought about it during the time I was with her. I should’ve, so I would be prepared when it happens. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt as much. Maybe it wouldn’t feel so empty if I had been prepared. It was too sudden. One moment I had her and the next, I realised she was gone. And I wasn’t prepared.
I never stopped loving her even though I couldn’t see her. It’s not that I had been living like it had to be her this lifetime because I got it. I’ve accepted that she is gone forever, but I couldn’t let her go. I don’t think I could even go on if I ever forget her in these past ten years. Every day for months and years, I’ve been living with the pain and memories; like Krystal said, “Treasure the memories”. Not once did I think it was pointless, I felt that it was worth it, and I still do. Even if I’m in pain, it’s alright. Even if my heart hurts, it’s ok. They remind me that she was real. That what we had was real.
The Old Man passed away last week. Before he departed on his death bed, we had a brief conversation, but it was longest we ever had all my life.
“I’m not sorry for what I had done with you and that girl,” he had said, which resurrected my wound again. “I never regretted it once.”
“Why did you do it? How could you?” I asked, trying to hold back the tears that stung my eyes. I clenched my fist in frustration. He heaved a sigh and didn’t speak up as I continued, “I love her. I’d give up everything just for her. Have you never felt that way about anyone before?” I swallowed and let the tears fall. “Someone who you wouldn’t trade the whole world for. Someone who you want to spend your past, present, and future with.”
He smiled meekly. “Unfortunately, no. I’m glad you found someone who made you feel that way, but there’s someone else who needs you more than that girl does.” Tears kept falling as I stared at the fragile man in front of me. He was once a strong fearless gangster, but look at him now. I wasn’t even sure whether I was crying for Amber or him. “She has been supporting you and protecting you all her life. All she ever wanted you to do is for you to look at her and give her a chance.”
“Pa—”
“Her time is running out, Myung Soo.” His lingered in the cold, white room. “She needs you more than that girl does. If the clock is rolled back, I’d do the same thing again,” he said resolutely.
I was surprised when he called me by my birth name, but I was even more surprised when he told me that this girl’s time is running out. Without him naming her, I already knew he was talking about Hyun Ah. But what did he mean? He wouldn’t tell me and said that Hyun Ah should be the one to tell me on her own will.
He also told me that I am now free to do whatever I wish, even if it means returning to Paris; it doesn’t matter anymore as long as I stay with Hyun Ah. It infuriated me how he thought everything’s going to be okay by a simple “Do whatever you wish” because the reason I wanted to keep living was gone a long time ago. It’s too late. Nothing will get better. Or was I being too pessimistic? But I also wanted to know what Hyun Ah’s secret was. The implausible hit me… is she dying?
I didn’t want to think about it and I wanted to find out, but Hyun Ah never seemed to want to discuss it, hence I didn’t ask. She seemed healthy to me despite the weight loss she had over the past years, but what did he mean by “her time is running out”?
I decided to confide in her good friend, Ki Kwang Lee, a resident anaesthetist at SNU Hospital. He didn’t know what Hyun Ah’s condition was and when he found out, he revealed to me that he could not tell me due to confidentiality matters. If he knew it was something serious like that, he wouldn’t have looked. It angered me that I couldn’t find out what it was, but then he confessed to Hyun Ah out of guilt and she had no choice but to tell me the truth.
Ten years ago, the year she moved to Korea for me and the year I had fallen into depression, she was diagnosed with adult Wilms’ Tumour, which usually occurs in children due to con abnormality. The survival rate is only five years with treatments. She initially received chemotherapies and regular check-ups in Seoul, then during the time I was in Yong-In Hospital—the period I thought Hyun Ah was away for a placement outside Seoul—, she went to Chicago to meet Dr Elizabeth Perlman, who specialises in Wilms’ Tumour. Three years later, she was cancer free following a nephrectomy and chemotherapy. All this time, she had not finished her study and had been catching up as much as she could. The doctor said there is an 80% chance of recurrence and, unfortunately for her, it did.
I was dumbfounded at how well everyone kept it from me. I was speechless and shamelessly in tears following this revelation. During the time I was trapped in darkness, she was the one who always encouraged me and made sure we had some sort of interaction to improve my condition. Meanwhile, she was the one who needed my support the most. I felt so selfish. I had not been taking care of her, like the big brother that I should be. I was in my own little world, an emotional wreck after losing Amber, when Hyun Ah was fighting her own battle with death alone. I couldn’t deny my agreement with Papa that Hyun Ah, indeed, needs me.
What shocked me the most was the fact that Krystal knew about it. Hyun Ah explained that she had a relapse at the campsite and was forced to tell Krystal the truth. I wondered if it was this truth that made Krystal let me break up with her, considering her stubborn character. Hyun Ah wept as she told me that she didn’t want me to pity her. I reprimanded her for her thoughts. How could she think that? I love her, though not in the way that she desires.
“Then stay with me,” she pleaded. “Don’t leave me until I leave. I don’t want to be alone.”
I grabbed her into a hug and she wept violently in my arms. I rubbed her back soothingly and told her that everything will be fine. Breath-depriving tears kept falling out of her for hours on end until I spoke up.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath as I uttered the words, “Hyun Ah, let’s get married.” The decision was final. The reason for my existence was gone long ago and it was definite that I would never find anybody else to replace her. Hyun Ah isn’t a replacement and she is not just anybody; she is my family, she is fighting for her existence. We could fight together. Two is better than one.
She was stunned at my proposal and looked up at me. Her red eyes demonstrated confusion for a moment before light appeared. She smiled softly. “Do something for me.”
“What?”
“Before we get married…” She gazed into my determined eyes. “I want you to go return to Paris, get yourself back, and come back as the new you.”
My eyes widened at her demand and wondered if had heard that correctly. “Why?”
“Because,” she said, “If you really want to marry me, I want you to leave everything behind and walk into the future with me.” She straightened up and grabbed a tissue from her bag and cleaned her face before returning to me, who was still astounded. “Go to Paris for a future. Trace everything that reminds you of her and return to Korea after leaving everything behind to be with me. I’ll give you a week.” She explained further, “I know that doesn’t sound like returning for a future, but you are. When you left Paris ten years ago, it was like you left your soul there, in your memories with Amber. I want you to find that self back before you come back to me and start a new future with me.”
And that is the reason why I have now returned to Paris. She told me to not think about her in her current condition, but think of her in her healthy self when I’m away. Maybe the reason behind Hyun Ah’s request is to let me remember Amber again as she was ten years ago and leave her behind when I move to Korea for good. As soon as I arrived in Paris, I let Amber invade my mind and forgot about Korea for a moment.
I visited all the places I had been to with Amber, including our apartment building which had been renovated to become a bakery. And now I am entering Gare d’Austerlitz, where it all started. I glance around the station to notice how much it has changed in the past years and take a look at the train timetable. It then comes to me in an epiphany: home was anywhere as long as I had her, but now that she is not here anymore, I guess I have no home. This means it will be the same wherever I go.
I make up my mind and say, “Un aller simple pour2 Toulouse”, to the ticket vender.
“Tu ferais mieux de te dépêcher, Monsieur3. Le train au départ dans deux minutes4,” he gives me a disapproving look as he tells me this information.
I dash through the crowd to Platform 8, stopping only to make way for a lady and her little girl off the train. My eyes meet with the little girl’s and she smiles brightly to me. In gratitude, I suppose. In a rush, a warm gush of emotion infiltrates into me. As I board the train, the smile seeps into my mind again and I suddenly feel as if I have found home once more.
Maybe Toulouse will be the answer after all.
THE END
Notes:
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Wilms’ Tumour is a cancer of the kidneys that usually occurs in children and rarely in adults. It is associated with con anomalies including aniridia (absence of iris), hemihypertrophy (enlargement of on the side of the face or body), etc. Some chromosomal abnormalities have also been associated with this tumour, WT1 located on Chromosome 11 that encodes for normal kidney development (about 20% of all Wilms’ Tumour carry WT1 mutations). Symptoms include large abdomen, abdominal pain, hypertension, fever, nausea, vomiting, haematuria (blood in urine – 20%). CT scans confirm the diagnosis. Treatment involves surgery, chemotherapy, and sometimes radiation therapy. The long-term survival rate is approximately 90% with active treatment.
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Dr Elizabeth Perlman is a specialist in Wilms’ Tumour who works at Children’s Memorial Hospital in Chicago.
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Nephrectomy: removal of kidney.
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