That was the last time Sung Yeol ever called. Hyun Ah said he rarely contacted her since then and whenever he did, I was never around to take it as her time at the hospital increased. She said she had told him about me wanting to speak to him, but he had been busy with the kids at the school in Malawi and it seemed that he would be staying there for a few more years. He said he would write letters to us, but I never received any. That sneaky bastard! I’d make sure I beat him up when he comes back.
I ended up staying at Yong-In Hospital for a year and a half. I received alternative treatments and eventually managed to cut down on my tablets. Hyun Ah graduated the year I left the hospital for a new life. She worked at Seoul National University Hospital for her residency and registration before taking up Endocrinology. During her busy time, she managed to take time to teach me Korean and suggested that I finish my study at SNU to continue with life. Although I was considered as an applicant of Korean origin–the Old Man still managed to hold his Korean citizenship for only God knew how—, I had to take the Korean Proficiency Test. I found it useful to test my Korean, so I did it. I also had to repeat my course again because Korea wouldn’t recognise my studies in Paris. Moreover, I had only finished three of the four years required to finish the course. Since I only did it to pass the time, I didn't really care.
At the new students gathering, I met someone. It was none other than Krystal Jung, the Tourism student.
~✡~✡~
Krystal studied English literature at San Fransisco State University and graduated with an Honour Degree. She aspired to be a writer since high school. After two years of writing and teaching English to high school students in San Fransisco, she returned to Korea to take extra Korean classes since she decided that one day, she would write Korean novels as well. During the three years, a few of her short stories were published in some teenage magazine in San Fransisco. She then decided to study Tourism at SNU as she planned to travel as she writes new pieces.
Jessica and Jae Joong got married the previous year and she was pregnant with their first child when Krystal started Tourism. They led a normal family life with the small arguments and bickering over little things like who didn’t squeeze the toothpaste from the bottom of the tube and who left the computer on overnight.
Krystal became my first friend of many in Korea. She still attended church activities and invited me. I was worried they wouldn’t accept me especially after what happened the day we parted, but to my surprise, they were as welcoming and friendly as they were a few years ago. They didn’t ask much and they befriended me solely because I did no harm in the two weeks we knew each other.
Krystal took up French and Japanese for her foreign languages. I helped her with her French homework and she helped me with Korean words I wasn’t familiar with. She also showed me some of her writings, saying “You should be honoured because I only show these to certain people” in the process, not without her playful smirk; the one where her lips sort of curl up at the ends. One of her published writings was called The Day The Moon Died. It told the story of a girl named Luna who died from leukemia. Her undying courage and strength to live despite the many chemotherapy and chagrins her body had to endure were so sad and heart wrenching. I found Krystal's writing has the power to speak to the readers.
Eventually, I found out that it was a true story about Krystal’s best friend, Luna, who passed away just a week before she came to Korea that year we met. That was unexpected. Krystal never showed any hint of it ever happening, nor did she talk about it. No wonder when I complimented that piece of writing, she only said a simple thanks before moving on to other topics. It was Jessica and Jae Joong who told me the story. Krystal changed after Luna’s death; she became more outgoing, witty, and sassy. When Krystal found out that I knew, she didn’t really show any emotion, but she became more open about it. She would talk how Luna liked this or that and I could relate to that, except it was my girlfriend who passed away. It was fine with me. I liked spending time with her. It was like I found another Sung Yeol, different gender and personality.
I had to admit, though, Krystal reminds me so much of Amber. Their assertiveness, their outgoing personality, and their scent were almost identical, but still I could feel a different aura whenever I was around Krystal. I hung out at her place often and we talked about a lot of things.
“I’m getting sick of couples around,” Krystal had droned one day when Jae Joong and Jessica went out for a dinner date while we had to babysit Kyung San, their baby son. She scrunched up her face as she uttered the words.
“Why?” I chuckled wryly. “You want to be in a relationship too?”
“No,” she asserted, “I hate love. I hate how couples wear same shirts, walk down the street hand-in-hand like lovesick teenagers, and think the whole world just revolve around them.”
“Why? You don’t believe in love?”
“It’s not so much about believing, I’d rather be with someone I’m comfortable with than being in the whole lovey-dovey business.”
That time, I laughed freely for the first time since I came to Korea, but I stopped as soon as guilt entered me. I felt bad for laughing with a girl who wasn’t Amber. Krystal eyed me curiously. “Wow… I’ve never seen you laugh like that. Did I make you happy?”
After I controlled myself and tried to not appear suspicious, I answered her, “You remind me of my girlfriend.” It sounded so foreign, yet comforting and familiar at the same time. How paradoxical, but that was how it felt when I spoke about Amber.
Krystal’s eyes rounded for a second and she sat up from the beige couch we were lounging on. “You have a girlfriend?” I didn’t answer her question as I looked around for a distraction. “Is that the girl on your screensaver?”
That made me turn to face her. “Yeah,” I managed and forced out a smile.
“What’s her name?”
“Amber.”
“Oh,” she said. “She’s pretty.”
“I have to agree,” I replied with a grin.
“Where is she?”
I paused for a moment to think of an answer. My stomach always heaved whenever the word 'dead' had to be mentioned with Amber's name. In the end, I settled with, “Paris.”
“Oh. So long distance relationship huh?”
I glanced at the mug of tea she gave me earlier. “Have you got hot chocolate?” I inquired casually as I took the mug.
She pondered for a moment. “I think Jess has some. Let’s go down to the kitchen.”
I was relieved the topic didn’t continue. Despite the treatments and having overcome depression, the way people mention the word ‘Amber’ always has an effect on me.
~✡~✡~
After settling down with University, I returned to Amber’s diary. It took me the whole weekend to try all 999 numbers. When I reached number 999, I realised I made a mistake by crossing one of the numbers and winded up having to do it all over again. What annoyed me was that, the code turned out to be 888. How easy was that? Didn’t I say she would surprise me?
I felt my heart thumping against my chest as I proceeded to open it. I found myself asking, “Do I want to open it?” and “Would it be snooping through privacy?”. In the end, I decided to read through it. People who write diary should have been prepared with the possibility of others reading into their personal mind.
The diary became a book that I’d read over and over again until every single word and punctuations were imprinted in my mind. Amber didn't seem to write often, but when she did, she wrote long entries. It seemed that she only wrote whenever something bothered her or something memorable happened. The first ten entries were written in Australia where she spoke about her best friend Victoria—whom she called Tori because everyone calls her Vic—starting a relationship with a Financial Advisor, Nichkhun Horvejkul, and her epiphany of going to Paris, suspending her medical studies in Sydney for six months.
It wasn’t until later on that I was written in her diary entries. I found myself smiling, frowning, grinning, laughing, and breaking apart at what she had written.
Something must be wrong with his mind. I mean we don’t even know each other and he wants to live with me? He won’t even know if I steal his money during the night or kill him with a chopping knife…
It’s not that I’m scared of him (I can protect myself), it’s just… weird. I’ve never lived with a boy other than Jjong under the same roof. And the distance between where we are now is only ten steps away (me on the bed and him on the couch).
Anyway, we’ll see how this goes.
He’s actually not that bad. I’m getting used to him being around. I kinda like having him here.
He has been a good flat mate. He’s respectful, attentive, and considerate. We divided the chores equally and he didn’t complain. He made dinner Wednesday, Friday, and tonight. His cooking isn’t too bad either. He should have maids doing these for him, shouldn’t he? And when I woke up yesterday morning, he was already in the bathroom… cleaning… O_O I could not believe he knows how to clean the bathroom, I mean isn’t he supposed to be a spoiled rich kid?
But I feel somewhat safer with him. He speaks perfect French, helps me with my homework, and deals with the drunken neighbours.
I had to tell Jjong that Myung Soo’s only a friend because if he finds out I’m living with a guy, he’d drop everything and step on the plane as soon as he could and take me back to Sydney—which isn’t happening no matter how much he forces me because I’m not leaving this place until I want to.
Paris is beautiful. I'd live here for the rest of my life. I like it the most at night. The view is magnificent! I want to cherish this before the day I have to leave arrives.
I’m getting weird feelings with Myung Soo and it’s not funny. I definitely don’t like it. He’s messing with my mind.
A small contact can make my stomach flip around a million times and the organ on my chest become abnormal. Thankfully, I could still study and do other things. It disturbs me; the fact that I like having him around and the reality that there’s a part of me hoping he wouldn’t leave, and maybe something more would happen between us. It’s hell. I don’t want this to turn into something more. I hardly know him and I’m not ready. I haven’t finished my study. There are things I still want to do that don’t involve another person. But there's something... something that always makes all of these seem insignificant and I can’t quite put my finger on it. And this is going to sound so weird. Not only do I feel attracted to him emotionally, there were times when… I feel that way towards him… physically.
He got drunk last night and when he came back, the first thing he did was hug me so tight that I couldn’t breathe. It was around four o’clock and my mind was still in dreamland. I took him over to my bed and this morning, I woke up in his arm when my alarm went off at 07:00. He didn’t wake up, though, because I turned it off as soon as the song started playing. When I was about to get off, he pulled me back and I landed so close to his face and… I actually felt like… kissing him? Even the thought was appalling.
I had to smack myself mentally and get my mind in the right order. It’s not going anywhere and it won’t go anywhere. Yep, that’s my mantra for every day I wake up and before I go to bed from now on, starting tonight.
Love is insurance. Information is investment. The fact that I don’t know him that well makes this statement a very good reminder.
I wondered what the things she wanted to do were. It made me realise that there were still a lot of things I didn’t know about her.
And if only I knew about her feelings… She was good at hiding her emotions. She was always so aloof and indifferent towards me. She treated everyone equally and it was hard to tell who she liked and didn’t.
She also recounted her experience and feelings when meeting the Old Man, of course with initials and whatnot. But I was more interested in how she felt after we actually got together.
It’s bizarre to write about, so I’m just going to skip what happened.
I think we’re together now. Sort of.
I’m not going to lie, it scares me.
After what happened to Mum and Dad, I always play on the safe side, so nobody gets hurt. Although I knew the idea of me getting married and have a family was expected to happen someday, I couldn’t stop thinking of the otherwise. It never crossed my mind that I’d meet someone I would want to spend forever with. I’d never even imagined in my wildest dreams that I’d fall in love with a gangster. Not that this matters with me. I’m in love with him, no matter who his family is. Weird, even admitting it in writing and out loud doesn't make me cringe.
It’s not the fact that he’s the son of a gangster or his Dad threatened to kill me that actually scares me.
Death. Everyone’s scared of it because they don’t know what happens to them when they die.
But I’m not scared, because I don’t know what’s going to happen to me.
But I know it would break my parents, Jjong, and Tori’s heart. And maybe Myung Soo’s?
And maybe mine? I kept thinking my heart couldn’t possibly break when it wasn’t even whole to begin with, but the truth was that she came and made it whole. Pain stabbed me instantly on the heart as I flipped through the page.
What scare me more are these questions: How will we end up? Are we going to have a good ending? Or will I be repeating Mum and Dad’s history?
Tori once said, “As long as we treat the relationship seriously, we’ll definitely gain something in the end. It could be happy and good memories that last a lifetime, but even if the final result is a goodbye, we will still gain something eventually, which is to have a better understanding of ourselves.”
And I have been contemplating on this since Myung Soo and I got together. Will it really be worth it?
The mention of her best friend, parents, and brother reminded me of the question. How did they cope with her loss? Their best friend, only daughter, and only sister went to a foreign country and disappeared would be a heartbreaking bombshell for them. The thought of finding out about them crossed my mind, but I never got around to doing it. Hyun Ah said if I wanted to move on, then I should not be so hung up on the past. Maybe that was why I decided to let it be.
Amber also recounted our Christmas and our first fight, and her feelings towards what had happened.
He proposed. And I said yes.
I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but would I be able to?
A part of me keeps telling me that I should stop this now and get my act together, but another part of me—the one I ultimately listened to—says I should make every second count before the day we have to separate comes. I never thought about it before, but now I believe that a moment with him worth the while and I’d rather have that brief moment than an infinity without it.
Jjong said what matters in life is that we’re happy with whatever choices we make. Whenever I’m with Myung Soo, I feel really happy; so happy that even if I turn back time, I don’t mind falling in love with him again.
People make mistakes, it’s part of human nature. I make mistakes and I regret them all and I try to make them right. But the only mistake I never regretted was falling in love with him.
I’d never make it right, because loving him was my favourite mistake.
Her words numbed my soul. I regretted what we had because if we never got together, she would still be alive. But she thought differently, she thought loving me worth her time. How could she think that when her life was the cost?
If the relationship can’t survive the long term, why on earth would it be worth her time and energy in the short term?
Nothing worthwhile is easy, therefore I think of us as worthwhile. It has been difficult, so difficult that I know there were times when we wanted out. But I have come to think that it’s not about surviving this phase, it’s about understanding; understanding what is worth fighting for and what is not.
And no matter what happens to us in the future, every day we are together is the best day of my life.
Even if the outcome is goodbye, I’ve told myself that I won’t regret it, because I’ve chosen to do the best of my ability to fight with him.
I knew it wasn’t going to be easy and that it was going to be really hard and we were going to have to work hard every day. I remembered that I wanted to do it because I wanted her, I wanted her everyday and forever, in the past, present, and future. I pictured myself twenty, thirty, and forty years from now and I saw myself with her, talking to her before I go to sleep every night, waking up next to her every morning, and having kids with her. But what made it more unbearable was the fact that those images felt so right and I had believed that I could make it real, when reality proved me wrong.
It didn’t go the way I desired, and I knew that I had to agree with her. I had always thought Seth in City of Angels was stupid when he said it, but the fool that I had become believe that, “I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss of her lips, and one touch of her hand than eternity without it.”
It surprised me that Myung Soo’s dad could be someone so… cold and heartless. I wonder what made him that way? There should be a reason why he’s enforcing his plan on Myung Soo like that.
I suddenly considered myself lucky for although Mum and Dad were divorced, they still poured their love onto me and Jjong without fail. Whenever we wanted a family get-together, they always complied to make us happy, but as we grew up and became more aware of things, we noticed their acts and decided to lessen this activity.
Myung Soo’s dad never failed to make me leave in deep thoughts. I returned to the hospital last night and stared at the sleeping Myung Soo for hours. I played with the Claddagh ring he gave me before taking it out to observe it closely. I traced the surface and the inside of the ring with my finger. When I felt some carving around the inner circle, I went to the bathroom to get some light. My breath was caught when I saw the writing that I didn’t see before.
Myung Soo ∞ Amber
I honestly couldn’t leave him. I couldn’t. I want to be with him, but why does it have to be so hard? Why does his Dad have to be against us? Why does he have to be the son of Paris’ elite gangster? Seriously, just when I found the one I want to be with, it had to be him.
I feel suffocated, it’s like I’m being locked in a small room. The way we are persevering right now is like a rubber being stretched out, but no matter how far it was stretched, it would return to its initial state. It’s like we are going around and around in a circle.
But I know the answer was right in front of me. And that, I had decided last night.
Unfortunately, this morning, it all went out the window. I feel like my determination weakens whenever I’m with him. I hate how he makes me feel vulnerable. I hate that me. I hate it, but the fact that he makes me happy despite the bittersweet moments compensates for it. He gives me courage and self-confidence, which make me believe that I could make it through anything.
In the same entry, she recounted what happened that morning at the hospital and ended it with:
“I know there’ll be tough times and that at some point, one or both of us is going to want to get out. But I guarantee that it’s not because you’re my first or I’m in love with you at this point of time that I asked you to be mine. It’s because I know that I’ll regret it for the rest of my life if I didn’t” – it was after he said this that I realised… I can’t let this man go. It has to be him.
Amber Liu taught me the value and meaning of love, which I never took a second look at since Maman passed away. She let me know what it was like to care for another person and be happy because another is, and she made me a better man because of it. Every minute that we spent together had been implanted in my memory and I’ll never forget a single moment of it. Nor would I regret it again.
~✡~✡~
The thought of finding another girl probably had crossed my mind for a second, just for the sake of moving on, but no one ever managed to put this into practice. It was like Amber had taken over the space and there is no room for anybody else.
Eventually, Hyun Ah found out about my friendship with Krystal and she wasn’t happy about it. She became really protective and would drop me off at university in the morning and pick me up in the afternoon. When I started attending church with Krystal and Jessica’s family, Hyun Ah would come along and arguments would ensue between her and Krystal.
When I confronted her for being too possessive, argument was inevitable.
“When will you ever look at me?" Her big outburst made me lost for words. “I don’t care if you still love her. I don’t mind. I’m willing to be with you. Why is it so hard for you to look at me?”
It upset me that after all this time, she was still persevering. I couldn’t help but thinking how tragic it all seemed. I can't blame her for hoping that I would turn around and see her because it was the very same hope that kept my back turned from her; the hope that Amber would turn around and come back to me.
“Hyun Ah, please don’t be like this. You know how I feel about you,” I tried to advise her to move on. “I can’t see you in any other way than—”
“Ça suffit!1” she cut me off. “I don’t want to hear that crap. Because you can’t see me in that way, then Krystal becomes the best choice for you?”
By this time, she was already raising her voice. The Old Man was wondering what this whole commotion was about from downstairs. “Hyun Ah, is everything okay?” His voice was heard from the bottom of the stairs.
Hyun Ah didn’t answer. I refused to acknowledge him, even when he scolded me for not treating Hyun Ah "appropriately" as his definition of “appropriate”.
"I never thought of Krystal as an option.” She glowered at me unconvinced. I sighed and grabbed her shoulders as I stated every word clearly, “Hyun Ah, in a relationship, you can't be the other choice, you must be the only choice.”
Her lips trembled as she tried to hold back her tears and released herself off me. “If I can’t have you, then nobody else can.”
~✡~✡~
Hyun Ah stayed with me. She never talked about that night again. Her last words sent shivers up my spine, but I didn’t really think much about it and treated it as a hint of further feud with Krystal. I had never seen that cold Hyun Ah before. But the thing with Hyun Ah is that she likes her comfort zone and when she finds harmony in something, she wouldn’t change her mind. She would rather shut herself out from the outside world as long as her comfort zone offers her what she needs.
But Krystal was different. Hyun Ah had told her about Amber and her death, perhaps in an attempt to make her lose hope in me. When it was out in the open, Krystal’s attitude started to change towards me. She tried to be a good friend and during the last semester of our second year at University, she made her confession. I was rather taken aback, but also indecisive. Krystal could be an option, but I knew it would be wrong.
“I can’t do that. It’s wrong because I love someone else.”
“You know, being apart from the one you love doesn’t make you love them any less,” she spoke tenderly. “Sometimes you love them more.”
I contemplated on her words. I fell in love with Amber when we were together, but I realised that I fell deeper in the years that we were apart. I thought this wasn’t possible, but reality proved me wrong. The yearning to see her, feel her, and breathe in her scent was so great, but I was holding on to nothing, which was why I felt suffocated during those years of depression.
“But life has to go on, L. No matter how impossible it seems right now, it is possible to go on and with time, the grief will lessen. It may not go away completely, but after a while, it won’t be so overwhelming.”
I had heard this advice many times from Hyun Ah and my therapist, but I never really wanted to do anything about it. However, the way Krystal said it generated something in me. Because she understood. I could sense that she understood well how I felt throughout these years and, maybe because she had gone through a similar phase, I felt connected to her.
“I believe that the only reason someone won’t let go of what’s making them sad is because it is the only thing that makes them happy. She makes you happy, doesn’t she?"
I didn’t reply as I knew it was a rhetorical question. The answer was obvious and she knew it.
“Sometimes loving someone means letting go, L, but that doesn't mean love also dies just because the relationship has ended. People tend to think that letting go means the end, but it's not,” she looked into my eyes to make sure that I was still with her before continuing, “I prefer to think of it as the start of something new. Someday, you’ll find someone special again. People who’ve been in love once usually do because it’s nature. I lost Luna and I met you. You lost Amber and you met me. Maybe it's the start of something new. Maybe it's part of God's plan.”
“How do you know that? How are you so sure?" I had asked.
“I don’t think we’re meant to know all the time, sometimes we just have to have faith.” She paused again, before continuing, “I've let go of Luna, I’ve accepted that she’s not here anymore, but I still treasure the memories we had because they are all that's left of her. She was my best friend and she will always be. Amber was a part of you and I think she’ll always be, so I’m not going to make you forget her.”
"It's not fair for you, Krystal. You deserve better. Do you know how many men out there who could fall in love with you at the drop of a hat?”
“I’m fine with it,” she told me, ignoring my last statement.
“But, Krystal, that's like you're being my other choice. You can’t be the other choice, you must be the only choice in a relationship,” I told her the same words I said to Hyun Ah.
She held my gaze for a moment. She wasn’t thinking, but she was giving me time to prepare for what she had to say and I suddenly felt nervous. “I may be the other choice in your heart, but I’m the only choice you have around. Admit it, L, you won’t be meeting any other girl. Our meeting was accidental. If it wasn’t, I doubt you’d even let me in to your life. That’s why...” She paused for the emphasis, “I’m the only choice you have, in this world and in this life.”
Chapter 19: omgosh! Myungsoo see his baby... but he doesnt know that she is his baby ..Hyuna lie to him... oh my baby Hyuna...why you lying...why you be such a b*tch... :(
Chapter 8: so much scene in 1 chapter... wow~
Paris...what a pretty name...im so curious about the kid look... Amber+Myungsoo(the two awesome creature in this earth). how she look like? she must be ing cute
lol! i love Jjong character...he really concern to his lil sis.. and he's gay with Key...JongKey shippers must be so happy.
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