Myung Soo (Part 3): Lost
Paris: The City of My Heart
1 Quoi?: what?
It had been almost a month that we lived together. Winter was coming around. I could see snow at the side of the street. I had always loved winter, it was the time for more hot chocolates to consume. It would be too hot to drink it during summer right?!
Amber let me stay to share the rent fee with her, which I was grateful for. But I felt bad because she wanted to make money here. So, I got Woo Hyun hyung’s help to employ her. Coincidentally, he needed someone to help him around and Amber was accepted.
During the past weeks, we got to know more about each other; her parents, her family, her life in Australia, my life in Paris, and my family. But of course, I didn’t tell her about Papa's identity as the leader of a mafia group. I didn’t want to scare her. I did look for places to stay, but I found myself reluctant to leave her. I simply didn't want to lose her as a friend. She was a nice person to talk to. I loved talking to her, doing homework with her, studying with her, and cooking with and for her. I loved spending the weekend snuggling at the couch under her blanket with a mug of hot chocolate in our hands and watching movies that we rented.
It was simple and comfortable. It was the life I had always sought for.
Amber had a very unique way of thinking that never failed to launch an attack into my mind and views on things. One example was when we were watching this movie—I couldn’t remember what it was called—but it was about this girl who went off at this guy for stealing her first kiss.
“What is with girls and first kiss?!” I had said that day, commenting on the absurdity of the drama in the movie. Why were we watching that in the first place?
“Tell me about it” was her reply. When she noticed my eyes on her and saw my frown, she shrugged. “I don’t get why girls bother about first kiss either. I mean it’s just a kiss, it doesn’t mean anything if you don’t feel anything right?”
The crease on my eyebrows intensified. “I thought girls care a lot about first kiss. So you wouldn’t care if some stranger goes up to you and steals your first kiss?”
“I’d kick his balls,” she said indifferently, earning laughter from me, then a wince after imagining the scene. She chuckled and carried on, “If it was intentional, I would be angry. But if it was accidental, I’d just forget it.” She shrugged. “But hey, don’t quote me. My first kiss was stolen when I was seven.”
“What?” My eyes rounded, my surprise crystal clear, as she chortled. “By who?”
To be honest, I felt sort of weird with this discovery. Considering she was very wary with people, who would have thought that she had lost her guard like that? Even as a seven-year-old, still...
She frowned as she thought hard to recall it. “My brother’s primary school friend. I think his name was Dong Hae…” She shrugged again. “Anyway, I don’t think it really matters how many times and who you kiss if you don’t have feelings for that person.”
“So you mean you would only accept it as a kiss if you love him?”
She slightly cringed at my question. I didn’t know why until she answered, “What’s with ‘love’ anyway? Love is just an illusion, not more than a feeling of confusion.”
I frowned again. “What made you say that?”
“If it does exist, no one could easily move on or have feelings that waver even after years have passed. Yes, maybe you’ll get bored, but then is that love? If love does exist, the divorce rate wouldn’t be increasing significantly in the twentieth century. I don’t even get why people would get married and say those stupid vows in the first place. If love is about irrationality, then all the love in this world is a pretence.”
I stared at her for a long while, barely blinking. She was saying the speech with so much passion that convinced me where she stood on the matter. That was the best speech I had ever heard, although I didn’t get it.
"You never fell in love, have you?”
She turned back to me. We were already ignoring the movie altogether. It didn’t matter, I could re-watch it. But Amber’s view may not be able to be repeated.
“Have you?”
That, I had no answer for.
It all made sense to me though. That was why she hardly let the guys in our class have their ways. She wasn’t even swayed by Daniel, the American exchange student who every girl in the class said was hot. They kept saying they could dive into his sky blue eyes.
“And what’s with guys and ity?” She put her mug on the coffee table and turned her body to me. She leaned her elbow on the head of the couch and rested her head on her hand. “Not all guys are s on their first marriage night.”
“Erm… I guess it’s sort of… possessiveness?" I tried. “We’d want to be our girl’s first.”
“Well, girls also want their guy’s first to be with her,” she pointed out in disapproval. “Why the unfairness?”
I didn't expect the question at all. It was one of those ideas you just accepted in society, but never questioned it . Why?
“Chauvinism I guess?”
“But not all guys are s, what’s the big deal anyway?” she scoffed. When I said nothing, she continued, “Would you marry a girl who’s not a ?”
I was struck by her question. I. Had. No. Idea. And that I told her. Although, it also crossed my mind that maybe it wouldn’t matter if I really wanted to be with her right?
"Then why should girls keep their ity until their marriage night?” It came out without a second thought. I mentally smacked myself for asking the question, but I couldn’t turn back. She was already staring at me impassively. “Well, to Asian culture mostly. I mean my dad has moved here since his teenage years and I was born here. Our way of thinking is basically the same as Parisians. I know you live in Australia, it’s probably the same, but your parents are probably still as conservative.”
“I don’t think it has to do marriage. I think it has to do with who the girl’s giving it to. Why would you do it for a passionate one night stand with an attractive guy? It's not worth it,” she paused before adding, “But then again, it depends on what the girl thinks.”
“What about yourself?”
“That’s what I think.”
“Shouldn’t it be the same with the kiss?”
“Of course not. It’s… just… there’s a difference.” I saw her hesitating as she bit her lower lip, then she continued when she had decided on how to put it together. “Well, I think I wouldn’t want to be touched by someone I don’t give consent to and when I’m not ready.”
“So it comes back to ‘love’. I thought you don’t believe in love?”
“I don’t. But I would like to know what it’s like. If it does exist.”
~✡~✡~
“Doctor. What’s the first thing that comes to your mind?”
“Huh?” I stared at Sung Yeol dumbfounded. He was reading Dan Brown's Digital Fortress and suddenly, he asked the weird question. Hyun Ah was in the gym room with her Pilates coach having a Pilates session. The song playing next door could be heard from Yeol's room.
“I got it from this book. It’s like word associations game. What do you first think of from these words will let me know what kind of person you are,” he explained and that got me slightly interested. “Doctor.”
“Erm... Amber?” I said hesitantly.
“Amber?” He stared at me incredulously. “Your flatmate?”
I nodded and explained, “She’s a medical student.”
He stared at me with this look I couldn’t describe before continuing, “Kitchen.”
“Bedroom.”
One of his thick eyebrows lifted in amusement. I could see the hint of a smirk at the corner of his lips.
“Why bedroom?” He wanted to know.
“Amber’s kitchen is next to the bedroom area.”
He grinned wider, further amused. “What about cat?”
“Cat?” I pursed my lips as I thought about it. An image of Amber looking up at me smiling came to my mind. It was when she lent me her tracksuit, which she knew would be short for me. I could see her laughing from her eyes. But she was squatting at that time and the way she looked up reminded me of a cat. “Amber?” My eyebrow cocked as I smirked.
Sung Yeol’s eyes nearly popped out when I said it. “Why her again?!”
I frowned. “You said the first thing that comes to mind.” I shrugged. “It’s probably because I've been with her these past few weeks that she’s rubbing off on me.” I rubbed my chin as I thought about it.
He gave me an I-don't-believe-you look as he grinned mysteriously before turning back to his book.
"So what’s your diagnosis?” I wanted to know. I leaned in and Sung Yeol smirked in a way that sent chills up my spine.
“You’re a ually-frustated Amber-obsessed boy.”
I stared at him increadulously, then snorted. “Well, that’s a disappointment! You just made that up as you went along!”
He chortled in glee. “You are so in love with her.”
I glared daggers at him and he held up both his hands in an I-surrender sort of way. “I’m not the one who has been talking about her non-stop these past weeks.”
I dropped my jaw and stared at him in disbelief. “You wanted to know about my flatmate!”
He was still laughing as he went on, “Seriously, L, you never talked about girls like that. Well, not to me anyway since we were born.”
“But you’re the one who kept asking me about her!”
Although I kept pointing the fact that he started it all, it still affected me. I didn’t realise it. I didn’t realise that I was changing in some way or other.
~✡~✡~
“Let’s go see a Crazy Horse.”
“Quoi?1” Sung Yeol was looking at me in confusion.
I actually thought I was crazy to have it come out of me. But it had been crazy. She was driving me crazy.
I saw her smile, I wanted to kiss her.
I breathed in her shampoo scent, I wanted to hug her.
I heard water running in the shower, images came into my mind.
I had been going out late nights with Sung Yeol more often these past few days, so I didn't have to go to sleep at the same time as her. Whenever I saw her going on that bed, I just wanted to jump in with her. And it definitely wasn’t because her blanket was warm.
"You know, Le Crazy Horse.”
His eyes bulged out in surprise. I had been clubbing a lot with him that he thought I had taken the wrong medicine or hit my head somewhere, but this must have been a shock to him. “OH MY ING GOD! You want to go?” I shrugged. He stammered, then impersonated me, “What… what… what about that whole speech about ‘I don’t want to go to disgusting places like that! What’s there to see anyway?’ and ‘It’s my life, I’ll do what I want!’.”
I rolled my eyes impatiently at his failed-but-almost-successful attempt at imitating me. “I bought the tickets. Do you want to go?”
I couldn’t believe I spent about €300, at least, to go to that kind of place just to distract my mind. But I didn't seem to be bothered by it. I needed the distraction. Also, Sung Yeol was going to pay me back.
He peeked around his place in James Bond’s style as I stared in puzzlement at his brown hair, which was all I could see. He then leaned in towards me to whisper, “Let’s go now while Hyun Ah’s doing homework inside. If she finds out you’re going to a strip club, she’s going to blow her head off.”
I snorted and reminded him, “She went to the Latin Corner!”
“But it was for her friend’s Bachelorette Party!" he defended her, like always.
When we reached Le Crazy Horse, the place was crowded with women and mostly men of all ages, over 18 of course. I could hardly believe my eyes. Whoa… so this is where guys go to, I thought.
We waited in line for the waiter to guide us to our seats. We thought it would take a while for the show to start, but we didn’t have to wait long. The light went off and the music came on. Almost females in costumes went on stage and started dancing ally accompanied by music and lighting effects. The internet reviews said the performances were mostly in French, but the one we watched were in English. Not that it mattered, I just wanted to be somewhere other than her place.
I took a look Sung Yeol who had this serious look on his face. I turned back to the stage and felt my stomach churned at the sight of the girls. The unthinkable happened. All I saw was her in my mind. It reached to the point where I couldn’t take it anymore, so I got up and left the place. Not forgetting to text Sung Yeol to apologise for leaving early, but I didn’t feel too well.
~✡~✡~
I waited for Amber to return as I cooked our dinner. We were having hot pot tonight. I opened the windows to let the steam from the pot out of the room. It was a bit cold, so I kept the heater on.
I had decided to face it as it was. I knew we were impossible. We came from two different worlds. Moreover, my father’s a gangster. As if that didn’t make it any worse. I decided it was going nowhere and I should just deal with it. I didn't like the idea of staying away from her, so I better make every second count since one day, we'll go separate ways and I would have to give her blessings for whoever she ends up with in the future.
She came home at about six-thirty. I wondered what took her so long since she was supposed to finish at four p.m., but I didn’t ask much. I wanted to, but if she didn’t want to tell me, I should respect that. I suggested her to have a shower while I got everything ready.
She seemed quiet during dinner, but I kept the conversation going. I told her what I did that day and she listened attentively. I noticed that she didn’t eat much, so I suggested I’d put the left-over in the fridge for tomorrow. When she was washing the dishes, she was even quieter. I wanted to ask her. I approached her and took the bowl she was washing off.
“What are you thinking about? I’m all ears if you want to talk about it,” I offered.
“Okay,” she said after a moment of thought. “Come around when you’re finished with the dishes.”
I finished them quickly and went to join her in the living room. She didn’t sit down which made me think the situation had got to be very serious.
She took a deep breath before looking into my eyes. “Myung Soo, who are you?”
I frowned at the oddity of the question. “Name Myung Soo, surname Kim. You know that.”
Why was she asking this all of a sudden?
Her next question made my heart skip a beat. And my stomach dropped consecutively.
“What is it that your dad does?”
TO BE CONTINUED . . .
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