Amber (Last Part): Time Forgets
Paris: The City of My Heart
1 Un test de grossesse: pregnancy test kit.
2 Deux aller simples pour…: Two single tickets to…
A week passed in Toulouse. With no sign of Myung Soo. Did he really want me to wait ten years?
When I arrived, I searched for the address Myung Soo gave me and pressed the door bell to be welcomed by one of the most beautiful women I had ever seen. Her olive skin, bright smile, and long hair with wavy curls at the bottom were the first things that I saw. And to this day, are the things that are still imprinted in my mind whenever I think of her.
Yuri Choi is the wife of Min Ho Choi, the police officer of Toulouse. Yuri is a midwife who was on maternity leave after the birth of their second child, Jaden. She noticed me immediately as I stood there at her doorway, which surprised me. Apparently, Myung Soo had sent a photo of us to the Choi couple.
Way to go, Myung Soo. Doing all of these things without telling me. You better be here before tomorrow.
I thought Yuri was Myung Soo’s ex or the friend that he mentioned, but no, it turned out it was Min Ho. I was surprised at how tall he was when I first saw him. Although he was only a few centimetres taller than Myung Soo, still. What surprised me more was the fact that Min Ho’s dad was a Chief Police Officer in Paris, long-time nemesis of Mr Kim. Instead of following their fathers’ footsteps, Myung Soo and Min Ho became friends and helped each other out whenever necessary. Of course, their friendship was kept hidden since their backgrounds didn’t permit them to be friends. It was better that way anyway as they could help each other without affecting each other’s affairs.
Min Ho waited for Myung Soo to contact him too. He came home every evening with an apologetic face for me because there was no news. He promised me to research on Mr Kim’s recent events. "Who knows I might be able to find out Myung Soo’s whereabouts."
I didn’t really feel awkward or strange around this family. They were very welcoming. I helped Yuri around the house and looking after the three-year-old Alice whenever she was feeding the two-months-old Jaden. I liked that they were very loving as a family. Though, I got jealous whenever I, by chance, found Min Ho hugging Yuri from behind and planted a kiss on her lips before they began to flirt with each other. He reminded me of Myung Soo.
Just where the hell is he?!
Min Ho kept reminding me that Myung Soo isn’t an irresponsible person and that I should trust him. I believed him. I was just worried because I had no idea what happened to Myung Soo that day. I realised that the guards were after him and not me, that was why I managed to reach Gare d’Austerlitz before he did. I hoped he managed to escape.
Another thing I was worried about was that… I had not contacted Jjong since well, the night before the New Year. I had not even wished him a Happy New Year. My phone was in my bag, which was taken by Mr Kim when Myung Soo and I were kidnapped, and I didn't memorise his new number.
~*~*~
I woke up to the sound of Jaden’s cry at 03:45 a.m. I heard someone opening his room door, which was located at the opposite of my room, and heard Min Ho cooing to him to calm him down.
I rolled in my bed and wrapped my blanket over me. It was so warm, the only thing missing was Myung Soo here with me. As I tried to get back to sleep, my stomach churned and I felt like my dinner wanted to come out, although it had probably been digested. I ran to toilet put the toilet seat up and ready to expel my stomach content, but nothing came out.
~*~*~
The sound my vomit caught the attention of the owner of the house when she came into my room to see if I was awake.
I was. Two hours ago. And there I was, still hugging the toilet bowl for dear life.
“Amber, are you alright?” Yuri gasped when she found my face in the toilet bowl. I reassured her meekly and closed the toilet seat before reaching for the flush button.“What’s going on?”
“I just vomited,” I told her. In fact, I had been waking up early morning with nausea, and occassionally vomited, in the past few days. I grimaced when I felt it in my oesophagous again and opened the toilet bowl to get ready. Yuri massaged my neck and rubbed my back. Her brows creased in concern. “I think I’m getting the stomach bug.” I pouted in discontent.
She looked at me unconvinced, wanted to say something but decided against it. “You have to look after yourself. Wait here, I’ll get a glass of water for you.”
And as soon as Yuri left, I held the toilet bowl again and expel everything out. It didn’t come to me what actually was happening until Yuri mentioned something that should be bugging me other than the fact that Myung Soo had not come around even after more than two weeks had passed.
“By the way, Amber,” she had said when Min Ho left after kissing his family and waved me goodbye, “If you need pads, they’re in the cupboard in the main bathroom.”
What date is it today?
I must have voiced out my thoughts because Yuri replied as she was cleaning up the kitchen, “Tenth of January.”
That was all I needed. After dropping Alice at pre-school, I went to the nearest chemist to buy it. I looked around the shelves to search for un test de grossesse1. I took one each from Clear Blue and Exacto brands. Two was better than one. I gave the girl at the cashier €10 and waited impatiently for the change. I ran straight to my bathroom and got everything ready. As I sat there on the counter, I thought of Myung Soo.
My God, Myung Soo, you better be here next week otherwise I will kill you!
To be honest, I didn’t know what to expect. Because I didn’t dare to expect. To be pregnant or not to be pregnant, that was the question.
I thought now that I got this far, I’ll just go wherever life takes me.
I did both sticks so I could compare them at the same time. Three minutes was taking forever. It should be the stomach bug. I didn’t think I would be pregnant because I got my period in December, unless... it was just spotting.
Yuri called me just when I kept peeking at the sticks. She needed my help with Jaden’s nappy since she was in the shower. It took my mind off waiting, but as I stood there gazing at Jaden, I thought, “Maybe it won’t so bad to have a little Myung Soo.”
After Yuri returned, I went back to my bathroom and took a deep breath before approaching the sink and gazed at my future next to it.
~*~*~
I waited for Myung Soo to come as our baby grew.
I wished he could be around to share the experience with me. I wasn’t sure how he would take the news, but images of him jumping and screaming in happiness kept coming into my mind and dreams.
Yuri and Min Ho were very supportive. Surprised at first, of course, but they were happy for me and Myung Soo. They waited for Myung Soo with me. Look, I cheated. I used a public phone to contact him, but his phone was not contactable. This further enhanced my confusion and frustration. I just want to know if he is okay, if he made it that day, if he is still alive and breathing. Just something... something that would ease my worries.
Meanwhile, I wanted to keep an album to show Myung Soo when he comes, so Yuri helped me take a photo of my stomach every month. I found it amusing and couldn’t help staring at my abdomen in amazement from the mirror or whenever I sat on my bed resting. As our baby grew, I talked and chatted to him or her as I felt some kicking and flutters.
I would have to say that I was… happy, really, when I discovered about the pregnancy. Worry was the initial reaction, but I was happy. Surprisingly, I wasn’t the slightest bit regretting what had happened. I was just… contented with where life was taking me. I thought maybe Myung Soo would be here before the baby was born. Or if he comes after the birth, it could be a surprise present for him. I was excited to find out how he would react.
It was very helpful that Yuri is a midwife, she took care of me very well. Yuri went back to work as I reached twenty weeks. I went for an ultrasound, but didn’t want to know the gender because I wanted it to be a surprise since Myung Soo wasn’t there anyway. Fortunately, Yuri became my main midwife at the birth centre. She shared some vitamins she had taken during her pregnancy with Jaden and cooked me food that were good for pregnancy. I was touched and thought that I wouldn’t be able to repay her. She was like a sister I never had and Min Ho was just like another Jjong, with different personality of course.
Days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months. Time flew and I wondered where it all went to.
Our baby girl was born one day overdue on the 8 of August weighing 3440 grams with a length of 53 centimetres.
When the due date was reached, I had the tightenings and period-like cramps every now and then, but I wasn’t in “true labour” as Yuri had said. It was then that Sung Yeol turned up at the Choi’s doorstep with Min Ho on his way home. I noticed that they weren’t in good terms, but controlled themselves for my sake. Sung Yeol was shocked to see my pregnant state, his face was pale and I thought he was going to faint. I thought there was news on Myung Soo, but unfortunately, Sung Yeol was there looking for Myung Soo. He had not seen Myung Soo since New Year’s Eve.
All my hopes just crashed to the ground. If Sung Yeol had not even seen Myung Soo, where did he go?
Min Ho took out a newspaper which had an article on a broken bridge in an area of Paris. I didn’t realise what he was talking about until he told me that it was a bridge near Myung Soo’s home. The bridge was in the same pathway to the one Myung Soo went to when we separated.
“I don’t get it,” I said. “What does this have to do with Myung Soo?”
“Two possibilities, Amber,” Sung Yeol said. “One, he was captured by Uncle’s men. Two, he walked over the bridge before it broke…” His voice trailed off and I couldn’t accept the absurdity of their hypothesis.
“This doesn’t explain Myung Soo’s whereabouts,” I pointed out curtly.
“Uncle has not been around Paris since you left. The last news I heard from my dad was... they were preparing for…” He stopped mid-sentence, wondering how he could break the news.
“A what?” My voice came out like a hiss.
“Funeral,” he blurted out as he averted his gaze.
I froze. I felt my whole body, including my heart, going numb. Yuri, next to me, and Min Ho were silent. “That doesn’t mean it’s Myung Soo. He’s not that stupid to walk over a bridge that’s about to fall off.”
Sung Yeol looked up into my eyes and said, “Amber, I never intended to tell you this, but now that…” He eyed my abdomen with a look I couldn't describe. Judgmentally? “You’re pregnant and I have no idea where on earth L is, I have to. That man who tried to hit you with a car on Christmas day… is my dad.” I stared without blinking at him following this confession. So he was acting all along? “You don’t know how far L would go for you. When we saw it was my dad, we knew straight away it was Uncle’s plan. When L ran to take the hit in your place…” He paused, shaking his head. “Seriously, that day made me think I was smarter than him. What was he doing?! Taking the hit for you? Is he crazy?” He shook his head again.
I struggled to get up with the additional weight I was carrying and glared at him. “This is bull. I don’t want to hear this.”
With that, I left to my room. I didn’t even take a second look at the newspaper. There was no need. Myung Soo is out there. I know. He just couldn’t get here for some reason. But I could feel my heart breaking into tiny pieces and shattering to the ground. No, he can't. Not now. Not now that I'm having his baby.
As I laid there in my bed that night, I looked at the empty space next to me. He always slept on my right. I missed his gaze, his touch, his hug, his kiss, and his hold on my hand. I missed his smile and his voice too. I kept wishing I have my phone with me so I could call Tori or Jjong and tell what had been bothering me these past months. Since Myung Soo's dad took all my belongings, I was left with the photo Myung Soo sent Yuri and Min Ho. It was of us smiling contentedly to camera. Not that these mattered at all because all I wanted was him physically there with me.
At one o'clock in the morning, I woke up to regular contractions. I was calm as I knew what to expect. Yuri had prepared me in the past months regarding labour, birth, baby bathing, sleeping, and settling. I walked around my room, trying to get my head off the bizarre idea Sung Yeol and Min Ho had on Myung Soo. The contractions were bearable at first, but eventually I advanced to four contractions in ten minutes by four o’clock and the pain intensified. I struggled to leave my room in between contractions and knocked on Yuri and Min Ho’s. Min Ho opened the door sleepily to find me kneeling on the floor, panting and clutching my round stomach. He woke up immediately and ran back in to wake Yuri up in panic. Men and labour.
Yuri and Sung Yeol took me to the birth centre while Min Ho stayed with the kids. Sung Yeol was there when my and Myung Soo's baby girl was born. I didn’t scream or wail like a banshee during the process, but I was b with tears through the labour pain and birth. Has anyone ever told you that contraction pains are like being stabbed on the pubic bone with a knife repeatedly? No one told me. Yuri only said, "Everyone will have different experience, Amber. Just expect that it'll be the most painful thing you could ever experience in your life. It's just so overwhelming that you couldn't breathe." She was right about that. I could still remember dreading every subsequent contraction because each one had a new strength to be overcome. It was powerful; it just kept building up and building up until I couldn’t take it anymore. I was running out of energy from the lack of sleep and the exertion those contractions laid upon me. My whole body was aching and all I remember was trying to get through each one without caring about my surroundings.
Yuri and Sung Yeol filled me in with the other details. Apparently, I was holding on to Sung Yeol as I cried for Myung Soo’s absent. On the other hand, I remembered something Sung Yeol said that made me progressed really well. “You’re going to bring this baby into the world, Amber. I know this is a lot for you to take right now, but you have to be strong for yourself, this baby, and L. If he doesn’t come back for you and the baby, I’ll make sure I beat him up for you.”
It was unfortunate that I never really asked Myung Soo what he would name his daughter or son when he has one. I wanted names that had connotation to my name and Myung Soo’s, even an anagram, but didn’t work out. None of the names meaning ‘surprise gift’ or ‘unexpected gift’ or ‘gift’ were to my likings. After some frustrations and suggestions from Yuri, Min Ho, and Sung Yeol, I decided with a name that I thought Myung Soo would love too since it has a reference to something that we both love. I named her Paris.
~*~*~
Days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months, months turned to years.
I lost contact with Jjong until I took up Medicine at University of Toulouse to finish my study as my baby girl went to pre-school. Yuri helped me with parenting and looking after Paris whenever I was at university or hospital. After some struggle, tears, and stress, I managed to finish my study and obtained a degree.
As Paris turned three, I opened my email which had not been opened ever since I left the city of Paris. There were about more than a thousand emails from Jjong, Mum, Dad, and Tori. My heart ached knowing that I had made them worried.
I sent Jjong an email first before reading the unread emails. I had asked him to not inform Mum and Dad yet as I had some news that I wanted to tell him before I face Mum and Dad. I wasn’t sure how he was going to take the news, though I couldn’t wait to hear his voice again. I received a reply sooner than expected. He was coming to Toulouse, with shocking news of his own.
~*~*~
“WHAT?”
There Jjong was, right in front me, at the Choi’s dinner table. Yuri had given me the privacy to talk to Jjong by taking her little ones to the park.
Now, Jjong was sitting there with the widest eyes I had ever seen on him, jaw dropped so low, and eyebrows as high as they could get on his forehead. He seemed to be in shock. His face was pale too.
“Let me get this right,” he said. “That Parisian guy you said was a friend turned out to be your boyfriend and the son of an elite gangster of Paris, you two planned to run away to Toulouse to escape his dad, and now here you are with his daughter and NO SIGN of him?!” He said the last four words with raised voice. I nodded cautiously. “This is a joke right? Where’s your little girl then?”
Paris was sleeping on the couch when he came, so he had not seen her yet. I took him to the living room and he stood there agape when he saw the little angel, who I had claimed to be his niece. She looked oh so adorable with her beanie and little grey sweater.
“AMBER!”
I closed his mouth when I heard him screaming and turned to make sure Paris was still asleep. I pulled him back to the kitchen and scolded him for being so loud.
“I can’t believe this,” he kept saying in a daze. “You’re supposed to be the sensible one and I’m the reckless one. You gave a gangster your goddamn ity and had his kid?! That is the most absurd thing I had ever heard in my life. You stupid, stupid girl! Are you really my sister Amber Josephine Liu?!”
I sighed. “Jjong, it’s the fact. I can’t tell you I’m kidding because I’m not.”
“My God,” he kept saying. “You even named her ‘Paris’ for the city she was conceived at?!” He scrunched up his face at the idea.
I had to smack Jjong for saying that. I felt my cheeks grow warm and had to repeat to him again that it wasn’t the reason why Paris’ name was chosen. “Paris is your niece, my and Myung Soo’s daughter.”
“What’s his name?” He cringed.
“Myung Soo Kim.”
“So is Paris a ‘Kim’ or ‘Liu’?” He raised an eyebrow at me, clearly won’t be satisfied with my answer.
“Kim.”
He rolled his eyes. “This dude played with you. He never loved you, Amber. You’re just a toy to him and you fell for his game! I can’t believe this! You’re a sensible person, how could you fall into this type of thing?! A single mother?! Oh my God!” He scowled and then shook his head.
I glared at him in disagreement. “He’s not! He’s serious!” I held up the ring on my left finger and showed it to him. I took it off for him to have a look and I saw his expression softening.
“Well,” he admitted, “No guy would go through the trouble to buy a ring and carved his name and his woman’s if he was playing around.” He returned to me the ring and sighed. “I can’t believe this. Wait till Mum and Dad find out.”
“Jjong, I’m not a freakin’ teenager. I’m twenty six next year.”
“You’re not twenty six yet,” he emphasised as he crossed his arms.
I rolled my eyes. “No matter how old I am, you’ll always think of me as a little girl.”
“True.”
To change the subject, I asked him for his news. My breath hitched when I heard it.
“I’m gay.”
One of my eyebrows lifted in disbelief. My playboy brother is gay? Yea, right. That was the most weirdest, absurdest idea I had ever heard. But oh no, I had to believe it. He took his boyfriend, Key, to Toulouse to introduce to me. I have nothing against gay or homouals, but my playboy brother being gay?
“Okay, please tell me it’s not the end of the world.” I almost laughed.
He replied with, “I thought your news was the sign of Apocalypse! And I thought I was ed up. But now I know... Mum and Dad made two ed up children.” I scoffed at him in disagreement. “So are you still waiting for him?” Jjong asked. I gave him a ‘duh’ look and he sighed. “Why would you with two men going after you at the same time?” I looked at him as if he was crazy. “Oh come on, Amber. I’m not stupid. That doctor who took you home this morning from your night shift, what’s his name again?”
I narrowed my eyes as I frowned, wondering where this was going. “Henry Lau?”
Henry Lau is a paediatrician at the hospital I worked at in Toulouse. I didn’t know how Jjong noticed, but Henry did ask me out on several dates, which I refused since it wasn’t a friendly thing between two friends hanging out.
“Yea and the guy who picked me and Key up from the station and then took me here after dropping Key at the hotel, Sung Yeol was it?”
Sung Yeol had bought a house in Toulouse and had been working as a chef at the most popular restaurant downtown.
I snorted. “Sung Yeol is Myung Soo’s best friend. You’re crazy.”
He snorted back at me scathingly. “Didn’t you see the competition between those two out there?”
I shook my head at him in disbelief. “It’s impossible for Sung Yeol to like me. He’s just looking after me and Paris for Myung Soo.”
Jjong smirked. “Nothing is impossible, little sister. If there are only two men, Henry and Sung Yeol, left in the world, who would you choose?”
“In case you've forgotten, I have Myung Soo already and we have Paris," I retorted, annoyance rising through me.
Jjong groaned in exasperation. “He’s not coming back, Amber. It’s over.”
“Shut up!” I snapped at him, hurt and upset. “This is nonsense! I don’t want to talk about it!”
“So who do you choose?” he insisted.
"I choose Myung Soo okay. End of story!”
“You’re so stubborn!”
And we moved on. We decided to tell Mum and Dad together. We knew it was inappropriate, but we managed to make a video call through Skype with me, Jjong, Key, and Paris on our side. They were shocked at the news and were infuriated with us; Mum wasn’t that bothered with Jjong’s news as she was with mine, but Dad was the opposite, he just wouldn’t believe that his only son was gay. But after a few weeks, they decided helplessly that “It’s your life and you are the one to choose which path you take.” They even visited Toulouse to meet Paris. That part worked out. The only thing that didn’t—and still hasn’t—was Myung Soo.
~*~*~
It was at Gare d'Austerlitz that we had decided to meet at, ten years ago.
But we never did.
He never came.
My mind comes back to the present as I see the station before my eyes.
I received a job offer outside Toulouse. Paris wants a change. Yuri and Min Ho support my choice of moving out. Sung Yeol and Henry aren’t. Both asked me to marry them and let them look after me and Paris. I was so shocked at Sung Yeol’s confession. Honestly, I did notice, but I didn’t dare or want to confirm my suspicion because he’s Myung Soo’s best friend. I do owe him so much, but… I can’t. I just can’t, it's not fair, and I’m sorry for that.
It has been ten years; the ten years time period Myung Soo mentioned expires today. Ten years isn’t a short time, and although it’s not too long, it still felt like a thousand years to me. I would have thought I’d be numb once ten years have passed. The psychology theory suggests that proximity and familiarity play a part in attraction, but although I haven’t seen Myung Soo in the past ten years, that doesn’t make me love him any less. Occasionally, I wonder if this is all real or just a fragment of my hallucination. I don't know anymore. One thing I know for sure is that every time I look at Paris, I receive the will to keep going; every time I look at her, it’s like he never really left me. Loving her keeps him alive. Loving him keeps me alive.
I tell the man the destination through the glassed window. “Deux aller simples pour2 Paris."
I take a deep breath and hold on tightly to Paris’ hand.
“We are going home,” I say.
Then I realised that… it doesn’t matter anymore whether Myung Soo will come back or not. And whether it’s Paris or not, home is anywhere as long as I have her.
THE END OF AMBER'S P.O.V.
Note:
I won't go too specific about labour pain. Every woman experiences different contraction pains, though most describe it as "Pain that wouldn't go away and eventually got worse", "overwhelming", "unbearable", "terrible", or simply indescribable. Physical descriptions include pain on the lower abdomen like that of period cramps (but 10x / 100000000000000000000000+x more painful than that), excruciating back pain, or both. However, I've met one who described hers as "It's like being stabbed on the pubic bone repeatedly by a knife". I decided to use that for Amber's pain since it's very unique xD If your mum gave birth naturally, ask her what the pain was like.
If you're interested in looking at Amber's struggle in motherhood, see here, here, & here.
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