Myung Soo (Part 10): Moving On
Paris: The City of My Heart
1 Je chuis pas sourde (informal): I'm not deaf
2 Désolé: Sorry.
3 Pourquoi pas?: why not?
Krystal spun back to me and gave me an irritated look. “Do you know how many brain cells you’ve lost by drinking? Do you know how you’ve endangered your one and only liver because of alcohol? Are you dumb?! You could have got alcohol poisoning from the amount of alcohol your body couldn’t take!”
Her words triggered a memory in the back of my mind. It was the morning after I went clubbing with Sung Yeol to avoid Amber. She scolded me for drinking and lectured me on the harms of alcohols on my brain, heart, liver, and the rest of my body.
“Krystal, don’t be so snappy,” the blonde girl reprimanded as she folded her arms, like a mother telling a kid. “You don’t know why he drank so much.”
“Does it matter, Jess?” Krystal retorted dryly. “No matter what the reason is, drinking is not good for your health.”
“Excuse me, who are you?” I croaked through my aching throat as the two sisters shifted their attention to me.
“You don’t remember?” Krystal’s eyebrows rose high up her forehead. I shook my head slowly. “So you don’t remember that you tried to strip me last night?”
My eyes widened in surprise and I jolted into sitting up. “What?! I did that?” I quickly apologised and cursed myself. That would be the last time I would ever drink.
Why did I even drink? Amber doesn’t like me drinking.
Suddenly, Krystal burst into laughter and Jess rolled her eyes at her childishness. “I was just kidding. You really don’t remember?” I glared at her in censure and shook my head again. “You were drinking at the park near here. I was taking a walk around and I saw you vomiting, screaming, laughing, and crying like a maniac.”
I felt heat rushing up to my face. I was too embarrassed to even look at her, so I stared down at the bed.
“I’m Krystal and this is my sister, Jessica,” she introduced herself and the blonde girl.
She lifted the tray and put it on my lap. “This is haejangguk, a Korean soup that cures hangover. You’re very lucky today to have my sister made it for you.”
“Er… um… thanks,” I stammered to Jessica. She smiled and nodded.
“Sica!” A man’s voice was heard from outside.
Jessica shouted something in Korean, then turned to me to speak in English. “I’ll be back. My fiancé is just going to work.”
She left me with Krystal, who prodded me to drink the soup. “It’s not poisoned.”
“I know it’s not,” I said, my eyes on the soup.
I grasped the soup spoon and tasted the broth. The warm liquid made my mouth taste better and relieved my aching gorge. I took more spoonfuls of the soup and I felt my headache getting better. Korea sure has their own good things.
“I’m never going to drink again,” I said to myself.
But Krystal seemed to think I was talking to her and she replied, “Good.” I didn’t try to hold a conversation and kept drinking. “What’s your name?” She asked.
After I swallowed another spoonful, I answered, “L.”
“L?” She frowned as a smirk forming on her lips. She looked like she was about to laugh. “Just L? What parents name their kids that?”
“How do you know I speak English?”
“I spoke to you in Korean last night, but you kept talking in English.” She shrugged. “So I assumed you’re a foreigner too, like me. Well, I can only speak a bit of Korean. I'm not as good as my sister. She has been here longer. We’re from San Fransisco.”
Krystal seemed outgoing, while Jessica seemed more reserved in a mature way. I didn’t say anything as I kept my eyes on the soup.
“So, where you from?”
“Paris," I answered shortly.
“Wow! Cool! I’ve always wanted to go to Paris.”
“You should. It’s really beautiful.” I didn't know why I began advertising to her.
“Now that I know you, you can be my tour guide when I go there.” I almost choked on the soup as she uttered the words. She frowned and patted my back. “Are you alright? Gee, drink it slowly.”
I pushed her hand away gently as I coughed. “It’s okay. I’m fine.”
She shook her head and poured me a glass of water. I realised she had put a jar and a glass at the nightstand. “Are you in Korea for a holiday too?”
This girl sure talks so much. Did she forget that I’m a stranger?
I hummed to agree to the question. I didn’t really want to talk much.
“Do you have to go home today?” I cocked my eyebrow at her question. Where was this going? “I’m going to church with my sister later this afternoon for choir practice.” She wrinkled her nose at ‘"choir practice".
“I assumed you don’t like the choir practice,” I remarked, just to be polite.
“Oh, I like singing. I just don’t like spending my Sunday practicing,” she explained. “You can come if you want.”
Shouldn’t she be sending me home?, I thought.
But I contemplated her offer since I didn’t really want to go home. All hell was probably breaking lose at the house right now. But hey, I didn’t care. I just wanted to stay away from them.
I went to church with the Jung sisters. In the two hours we had known each other, I learned that their parents were away on a ‘honeymoon trip’ to Greece, which left Krystal to live with Jessica and her fiancé, Jae Joong Kim, who was a CEO of an electronic company. I also learned that they were born and grew up in San Fransisco until Jessica moved to Korea to manage her parents’ hotel.
They introduced me to their church friends, who fortunately spoke English since the mass was conducted in that universal language at that church. They turned out to be very friendly and welcome. I remember thinking “Are all Koreans this friendly?” and “Or is this just a church thing?”. Nevertheless, I spent two weeks with them and they even invited me to join the choir since they needed more people. When they discovered that I could play guitar, they let me play along for one of their songs Lord, I Offer You My Life. It was the second song that I ever found soothing and calming. The first was Grégory Lemarchal’s De Temps en Temps, the last song he sang before he passed away from cystic fibrosis. That guy was an inspiration.
When the real day of their choir came, our performance was successful. They said I could come again and join them. After the mass, the choir members had a confession session with the Priest. They did it in this small room privately with the Priest, with the door closed, while the others waited outside. Krystal knew I wasn’t Christian or Catholic, but asked whether I wanted to confess something. And I thought why not?
So, I went in there and spoke with the Scottish Priest through this small square opening covered by metal wires. I could see the Priest smiling in a fatherly way as he welcomed me. For some reason, I found him soothing. And I thought since it was a private thing between me and him, I told him everything. I didn’t realise tears were streaming down by the end I finished.
I told him how I felt I deserved to die in Amber’s place and how I wished I could turn back time. I would make things right. Then, she would have lived.
I don’t deserve to live anyway. I couldn’t even protect the person I want to protect the most. What’s the point? I'm so useless.
I could still remember what the Priest said to me, “At some point of our life, there will be a day when we have to leave the world. God has God’s own plan, you see. From your story, son, she seemed to be a beautiful and nice girl.”—I couldn’t agree more—”I’m sure wherever she is now, God will make sure she is happy. When you love someone wholeheartedly, it never disappears, even when you two are apart. It’ll be hard, but you have to try and move on. You’re too young to die, son. If you don’t want another girl, that’s fine. Just as long as you’re happy.” I caught him winking at me, encouraging me.
I chuckled wryly. “I don’t think I’ll be happy without her.”
“Sure you can,” he said supportively. “You see, son, your happiness is in your own hands. Happiness doesn’t depend upon who you are or what you have, it depends solely on what you think. Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”
Despite his words, I was adamant I couldn’t be happy. I killed the girl I loved. To be precise, I made my dad kill the girl I loved.
When I walked out of the room, I didn’t look at anyone and went straight outside the church. Krystal was calling out to me in concern, but Jessica held her back and told her to give me some privacy. I ran aimlessly around the church and ended up at the back. It was deserted, but the heavy wind became my companion. A loud scream of anguish broke out from my throat and, with all the power that I had, I slammed my fist into the brick wall holding the building up high above the ground. The building didn’t budge. Of course. Earth kept rotating, wind kept blowing, and time kept passing. No matter whether a life had just left the world or a new one just entered, it would still be the same.
My heart ached immensely. I felt my face getting wet and a pulsating sensation came from my bruised fist.
~✡~✡~
When I returned to church, there was a commotion inside. I saw a group of men in black suit holding guns at Krystal, Jessica, and their church friends. Whoever was in the room with the Priest was lucky. I didn’t know nor did I ask how they found me. I caught sight of Hyun Ah arguing with… Krystal?
First instinct was to run to escape them, but one of the men raised their arm to Krystal and I quickly ordered to put their guns down. They did. Hyun Ah spotted me and ran to me. “Oppa! Do you know that Uncle and I have been looking for you these past weeks?!”
Without answering her, I kept my eyes on the men. “Leave them alone.”
Obediently, they dropped and put their guns behind their suit and walked over to where Hyun Ah and I were. I saw the shock in Krystal, Jessica, and the others’ eyes. Calmly, I walked over to the Jung sisters and bowed.
"Thank you for keeping me these past weeks. I really appreciate it.”
Hyun Ah marched over to us and glared at Krystal. The two girls started to have a staring competition, which felt like forever. It wasn't until one of the men received a phone call from the Old Man to take us back to the house that we finally left. We all thought it would be the last time I’d see the Jung sisters, but of course, “God has God’s own plan.”
When I got home, I didn’t acknowledge at the old man at all and went straight back up to my room. I got out of bed, had showers, and ate my meals like normal. Hyun Ah took me around Korea, translated for me, and tried to make me have fun. But I couldn’t. I started to have a lack of enthusiasm and will of getting up when I woke up in the morning and I kept feeling exhausted even without doing anything for a whole day. I’d spend the day staring into space, thinking of Paris, Amber, and what life could've been. I also tried to decipher Amber’s password. The lock had three numbers on it, so it would be a combination of three digits. Amber would never use her birthdays or easy numbers because… that was just how she was like. She was unpredictable. I bet when I found the number, it would be something I'd never thought of. I could easily get someone to break the lock, but I didn’t want to. I wanted to embrace the moments of guessing her mind. I wanted to make sure that she was still with me, a part of her in me, even if it was only memories. I wrote down on a piece of paper numbers from 100 to 999; it took a long time, but I didn’t care. Unfortunately, I didn’t get to finish it until years later.
Eventually, I couldn’t sleep at night because I kept getting nightmares and I slept excessively throughout the day. It wasn’t because I felt sad or something of the kind, but I felt… empty. It was like living in a vast endless black hole and I just couldn’t get out because the drawing force was too strong. But what was stronger was, in fact, my hatred for myself. I felt responsible for Amber’s death and my inability to protect her.
I missed her. I missed her gaze, her touch, her embrace, her scent, her kisses, her voice, her smile, and her hold on my hand. I missed the warmth of her bed and her body. I would lie in bed and stare at the empty space on my left.
I didn’t talk to anyone, not even Hyun Ah, about how I was feeling. What was the point? What was done already done. My grief was my own and it would be taken to my grave.
Emptiness and despair were my companions. I lost touch with my sense of self and wondered whether I should just give up and get it over and done with? The thought was very tempting, but Hyun Ah was constantly around me. A few months after I parted from the Jung sisters, Hyun Ah diagnosed me with depression and got a doctor to come give me a formal diagnosis. I couldn’t care less what the Old Man thought. If I was going crazy, well then, so be it.
The doctor put me on antidepressant tablets. I didn’t like them. I never liked medications. Maman died from swallowing a bottle of sleeping pills. That was why I took Medicinal Chemistry, so I would know the contents of all the medications out there and be able to find safer alternatives to treat certain conditions.
The antidepressant was difficult to take on a daily basis because there were days when I forgot to take it and days I remembered. Hyun Ah became my caretaker and she reminded me to take it every morning before she left for her class. But there were days when I couldn’t be bothered to take it and I just wished I could swallow the whole lot to get it over and done with. When I didn’t take the tablets, I would get vivid hallucinations. There were times when I saw Amber lying next to me and I’d scoot over to touch her, but then she disappeared and I was holding on to thin air. I’d hear her voices in my head, voices telling me that I shouldn't be the one living.
I kept telling Hyun Ah that they didn’t work, they never worked. But, as she cried, she would say, “Your condition’s getting worse, Oppa. You don’t even want to leave the house and go out. You just have to put up with the medications until this is all over.”
“Will it be over?” I would ask her.
“It will. And you’ll come back to the real you," she promised me.
But Amber would never come back.
~✡~✡~
Life passed by like the scenery outside a train window.
I managed to get through the seemingly countless day and night, somehow.
I breathed, ate, and slept as I always did, but there seemed to be no significant purpose in my life that required my active contribution.
I didn’t know what I should be doing, nor did I care.
So I just let myself float in the in-between.
I wasn’t living. I was merely existing from day to day without actually feeling anything.
It was like being the living dead.
Hyun Ah thought I was in the mourning state. I wasn’t. I was coming to terms with the present and the idea that the reason for my existence was gone. Because of me. Because of my mistakes.
He thought I was holding a grudge against him. I wasn’t. I was holding a grudge against me. I wanted to hate him, but the incredibly sad truth was that no matter where I ran to, he would always be my father. I wanted to stay away from him. Because seeing him was like seeing my mistakes, the mistakes of falling in love with her and making her heart mine. If these didn’t happen, she wouldn’t know the world I was born into and she would be safe in her own world.
There were times when I wish I could turn back the time and take all the sadness away, but I know that if I did, the happiness would be gone as well. So, I took the memories as they came, accepted them, and let them guide me.
I always remembered her bright smile and the glimmer in her eyes after we made love. I remembered the feel of her smooth skin and soft lips against mine. I also remembered the way her fingers fit perfectly around mine. I remembered everything and I fell in love with her again.
Stunned and shattered, the realisation hurt.
I was in love with her and still am. And probably will forever be.
These memories were so overwhelming that they were suffocating. These were the moments when I tried not to think about her, but it was impossible, so I let her exist there with me in my mind. Shadows deepened while I laid on my bed and stared at the ceiling until sleep engulfed me.
~✡~✡~
I didn’t remember what happened. I woke up one morning in August at the hospital feeling atrocious. I heard Hyun Ah talking on the phone. I didn’t know who it was with, but I peeked through the small openings of my eyelids to see her pale face as she listened to the other end. I observed her features, now scrawny and pale. Her eyes rounded in alarm as her pale face was ashen.
“She what?” she hissed, looking like she just saw a ghost. “I thought she was—” She stood up and paced around the room, something she does when she is anxious. “Yes, I could hear the baby crying, you don’t have to keep telling me! Je chuis pas sourde!1” She tried to speak in a low voice, as if trying to not wake me up. There was a pregnant pause before she faced my way and I instantly closed my eyes. I wanted to let her finish her conversation before leaving everything and returning to me. “Well, tell her I said congratulations.” Her voice sounded strained and I wondered why. I could tell she almost cried. After a moment of silence, I heard her speaking again in a hasty manner, “No, I haven’t seen him. I’m here to finish my study remember?” Another long pause. “Oui, send me the photo. I want to see it.”
When she took the phone away from her ear, I opened my eyes. I saw her tired face as her now-red locks put up in a messy bun, despite her neat attire. Her lips quivered as she held tightly onto her phone for dear life. For some reason, I felt like she was talking to Sung Yeol from the tones she used during the whole conversation.
“Was that Sung Yeol?” I heard my feeble voice speaking.
Hyun Ah jerked in surprise, but then sprinted to my side. “Oppa! You’re awake! Thank God! Don’t you dare do that again! I’m so mad with you right now!”
I creased my brows and cleared my throat. “What happened?”
“You don’t remember?” Her voice sounded exasperated. She grunted as she held back her frustrated tears, “Ugh… I’ve had enough of this!”
A pang of guilt washed over me. I was struggling with the situation, but Hyun Ah was too. I shouldn't be thinking about myself all the time. She had looked after me and tolerated my behaviour despite my ignorance of her feelings towards me. I should care for her more after everything she had done for me. I realised that I shouldn’t take her for granted anymore.
I sighed. “Désolé2. After everything that happened, it’s not surprising you’re disappointed with me. I’m no use, aren't I?”
“What are you talking about?” I looked up to find her disbelief look as she walked over and hugged me. “When I said I’ve had enough, I just meant I’ve had enough of everything that happened! Why does it have to be like this? Why did she have to appear and ruin our life?!" She stopped herself immediately and gazed into my eyes, hesitant and apologetic. I wanted to reprimand her because it wasn't true, but I didn't. She seemed to sense I wasn't going to react and promptly moved on, “But I am angry with the fact that you swallowed a whole bottle of tablets! I know it’s not your fault, you must’ve forgotten you’ve taken it already.” She looked into my eyes softly. “I’m so sorry. I know it’s hard for you.”
I didn’t remember that happening, but nevertheless I droned again to her, “It didn’t work, Hyun Ah. Maybe we should just give up.”
“No!” she enunciated as tears dropped down onto my chest. They continued to fall and dampened my hospital gown. “We’ll get through this okay.” She started to sob as she told me, “We’ve decided to have you stay here for a while.”
“It’s okay,” I muttered softly, her hair. Though I knew she was sad about this plan, I was glad I could be away from him. “I’ll stay here.”
I felt so worn out that not even a little bit of strength was left in me, but I knew I had to try. I would never forget that Hyun Ah was the one who healed me, whose patience motivated me to keep going. It was heartbreaking that there was no place in my heart for her. It was completely invaded by Amber and bruised by her departure.
Suddenly, a vibration was heard and Hyun Ah reached out for her iPhone from her skinny jeans pocket. She pulled away from me to open the message. It was a short vibration, so I assumed it was a message.
“Who were you talking to earlier? You never told me whether Sung Yeol called back in April.”
Either she was ignoring me or she didn’t hear my question, she stared at her phone screen and didn’t answer me at all. I saw her grip on the phone stiffening and she took a deep breath. After a few seconds of closing her eyes and getting herself back together, she opened them and her dark eyes looked into mine remotely.
“What were you saying?”
“Sung Yeol. Has he called?”
“He did. This morning,” she faltered as her gaze move back to her phone and typed something to reply to the message, I guessed.
I sat up in annoyance. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
She glared at me as if silently blaming my action, swallowing a whole bottle of antidepressants. I didn't even remember why I did. Last night had probably pushed me too far and I decided that it was better to leave for good and end all this torture. Before memories flooded my mind again, I asked Hyun Ah to help me move the head of the bed up a bit. She reached out for the bed remote and I felt the head of the bed moving up slowly as the humming sound was heard.
“What time is it?” I turned to my Rolex on the table next to me to look at Paris’ time.
“Three o’clock in the afternoon.”
“Who were you congratulating on the phone earlier?” I decided I wanted to know. I should show some concern and care about her life.
She hesitated for a second before answering, “My friend.” When she noticed me looking at her expectantly, she continued, “She just had a baby.”
“Oh,” I remarked. “A boy or a girl?”
She kept her eyes at her phone screen as she stated, “Girl.”
“Who were you saying you haven’t seen earlier?”
“Another friend,” she exhaled.
“What does he have to do with your frie—”
“Nothing whatsoever,” she interposed, without looking at me.
I wanted to ask more, but she didn’t seem to want to discuss the topic further. “Okay...” I waned.
After a while, she spoke up. I saw her remote looks overtaken by a softer gaze. It was a familiar sight. I figured she was guilty for her attitude earlier.
“Do you want to see the baby?”
I lifted the corner of my lips. “Pourquoi pas?3"
She flipped the screen towards me and an image of a baby wrapped up in a bundle filled the scope of my vision. The baby in the picture had lots of dark hair and was gnawing at the side of her hand. To be honest, it was a simple photo, but I actually found it thrillingly breathtaking. I handed her the iPhone back and she received it impassively.
“What’s her name?”
Her eyes met mine for a few seconds, then she turned back to her phone apprehensively.
“Paris.”
~✡~✡~
Comments