You will not forget,
try you may
but he will remain,
his smile and his touch
because they are far too precious
to be stowed away.
The funeral was quiet and solemn. Every single member of the village had gathered despite the soft drizzle or the harsh wind. He was buried in the gulf, the place he loved so much and the place that bought his doom.
Many people who had come wanted to say something about him or to him before he was officially departed from this world. There were people even from the neighboring islands who had come to say something good about him.
I sat at the back with Baekhyun, I felt like I did not deserve to be here. I’ll have to go back as soon as possible and leave all of this behind but first, I have to apologize. It felt too long yet too short and before I had made up my mind about his leave, he was being lowered into the soil.
I held Baekhyun knowingly for the first time as I sobbed. I felt far too weak and although he may hate me I still needed him. He said nothing nor did he shake me off. Instead, he s his hand around my waist and let me cry.
* * *
Nightmares began visiting me. It was as though that gate which I had closed before I stepped onto the island had been reopened. There were nightmares of Baekhyun with blood all over him, charging towards me with a maniac smile on his face. But most of the time it was me who kills Grandpa, and those were the ones I just couldn’t handle.
The first two nights were the worst. I couldn’t sleep properly. A minute of sleep made me wake up with a scream, and I found myself trembling. What if I was the one who found out Grandpa’s dead body because he wanted me to? Why was I the one who found out the body and not Baekhyun? His lifeless eyes and blood kept haunting me to no end. I wanted it to end, to escape, to wake up and be told that all this was only a dream, but it never happened. I couldn’t eat at all, and I refused Baekhyun’s help. Why on earth was he helping me anyway? He should hate me.
I sighed as I felt more tears drip out of me. I can’t take this anymore. Maybe I should visit the beach and just walk into the water. After all, Baekhyun would be better off without me, and my family already thinks I am dead anyway. I cannot face the people on this island anymore.
I held back a loud sob, but it escaped, nonetheless. Baekhyun’s voice came from the doorway.
“Jo…” His voice was weak and he probably is. He had been sitting there outside my door for the last two days, banging against my door, telling me that it was not my fault. “Please, open the door.”
I would not. I cannot and I dare not. I wanted him to be inside, to hold my hands and tell me that everything will be alright because like it or not, he was the only one I had in this entire world within reach right now. But, I needed him, and he did not need me. And I had promised myself that I would not put my needs in front of someone else’s from now on.
“Jo…” He called out again and as though he could hear my thoughts, he said, “Can you please open the door? I need someone with me right now,” His voice cracked and so did my heart.
He needed someone? Of course! How could I be so stupid and selfish all over again? He was also stuck here with no one else but me. I should not be ‘the’ someone he needed since there was no one else. I slowly rose up, my head throbbing from all the crying I had done and slowly walked to the door and opened it.
He was sitting next to the door, when I opened the door he lifted his sad eyes to meet mine. He looked weak and he looked as though he had lost weight. I step out, close the door, and sat down beside him. He immediately searched for my hands and held it tight, meanwhile shifting closer to me.
“I’m sorry, Baek. I really am.”
There was something about him that made me break all my resolutions no matter how strong they were. I wanted him to be safe, much more than I wanted myself to be. I have been safe my whole life, this poor fellow had never felt safe.
“I told you,” his hands found its way to my shoulders as he shook me weakly. “It is not your fault.”
I said nothing. I know that he was trying to make me feel better, but there was no way anything was going to. After all, I had already crossed the borders to where I can return back to normal… I had already crossed it when I was on the ship.
He was staring at me, his eyes laced with worry, with pain