The weekend wasn't long enough for us to think and celebrate the news, Lucy was having the baby, and my mom was going to the doctor with her, proudly organizing the wedding as fast as she could, for September, this way Lucy's belly wouldn't be big enough to be seen by all the guests. Some, perhaps, would guess but the honor of Lucy and our family would be safe. Hongmin and her were happy, not as happy as they would have been if everything had gone according to their plans for the future, they wanted to travel before getting married, they wanted to go to Italy in August, and then Lucy would have started her internship, eventually got a job out of it, and then, perhaps they would have got married, and for a year they would have been a happy new wed couple, and two years after that, perhaps they would have got their first baby. Now, they needed to reschedule, to do it the other way around. Have the baby, get married, work, and then perhaps travel. Even if to me, it sounded so scary, they were still quite happy, life doesn't always goes as we plan, my sister said to me. My life was going like I had decided, photography school, work, no boyfriend, no love, and even my family was starting to get more friendly to me. Even if I didn't wanted to admit it, I was the perfect daughter for once, I wasn't pregnant, I was working and that was enough for them now. Before that was just enough to make a correct daughter, and it wasn't all, Lucy was still adored, but since she wasn't under the family pressure anymore, she was nicer to me. Perhaps her mother instinct had something to do with it, but suddenly she wanted me to be involved in her life, she wanted me to be "Aunt Emma" and not just the girl that lived in the next room for twenty years.

Monday was here, it was night as always when I met him, we were not in his appartment, we were at a coffee house which was only opened at night. We were both uncomfortably sitting in front of each other, looking at our coffees.

"So, your sister, how did it go ? Bobby asked.
-Well... everyone is... happy, the chaos is gone... your weekend ?
-Good, good too. You wanted to talk about something ?
-Yes, I sighed, now that the drama is over... I thought we should stop this... our, thing, friend thing, because... You know I'm going to be busy with my sister's wedding, you... You have your work and.. It's just not working for me right now... I can't... deal with it.
-Yeah, he looked away straight at the window, me neither, it's better to stop now, before it gets too hard. We won't see each other then..
-I guess we won't, I bite my lips, I hope you will... have a great life, and become really famous and stuff...
-You too, who knows ? Maybe I'll start buying National Geographic Magazine if you're published in it, he looked back at me with a little smile.
-Deal. I smiled too, Well I'm.. I'm going to go back home.. there is no point in staying.
-Mmh, goodbye then.
-Goodbye..."

I went back home, my heart was feeling heavy, and I couldn't think clearly, I went back in my room without anyone noticing, I was getting good at that "coming home late" thing. I couldn't sleep all night, and the next day, at work, I wasn't feeling myself, doing everything like an automaton, like an old rusty automaton.
Things didn't get better later, again, sleep wasn't going after me, I was awake all night again, staring silently at the ceiling, something was missing. It was just like if my heart had stopped, nothing was really working anymore, why did I felt so lonely ? Why was I missing something now ?
Suddenly, it wasn't a day or two that something was missing, suddenly we were in August, it was hot, wet and every plants in the yard had died from the drought.

"Emma ?
-Yes ? I answered getting ready to work.
-You didn't had a really busy summer.
-Why do you say that ?
-You were home or a lot, or at work, is everything alright?
-Of course, I smiled, which wedding cake did you choose ? It was easy to avoid discussion, just say something about the wedding.
-We've decided for fruits, and vanilla, and a lot of cream.
-Great ! I have to go so..
-Wait ! My mom stood up, will you be bringing someone ?
-Where ?
-To the wedding of course ! You know you can, you have a +1 invitation.
-Ah... I don't think so, I'm good on my own.
-You shouldn't be alone, you'll get bored I know you. What about that boy ?
-Who ? What boy ?
-The boy that pretend to be the father of your child, well Lucy's child but... He seemed like a nice person, and what he did not everyone would have done.
-Oh, yes, him.. No, I think I'll just ask Eunae. She looks good in dresses anyway so it's better this way. I really have to go, bye !"

My sister was one month away from her wedding, her belly was still flat, or not top big at least. She and Hongmin were overwhelmed by everything they had to do, so parents were taking care of the wedding stuff and they were taking care of baby stuff, the first thing to do was to find an place to live, and they were struggling with that.
I on the other hand wasn't able to feel a single think, when I was with my friends I felt lonely, when I was serving coffee I felt empty, and when I was walking late at night, usually to get back home, I was hoping to feel a presence nearby. But I was always alone, nobody was following me in the dark.
Once, I saw him on TV, it made me nauseous, to see him on stage, smiling, waving at all these girls, laughing at his friends. Why have I ever got attached to him ? And when ? How ? We didn't shared that much, did we ?
We just slept together, talked a little, smiled a little, it wasn't enough to get attached to someone you knew for a few weeks only ! I had talk to plenty people in my life, I had a laugh sometimes with my boss, and I didn't missed him when I was home not working.

"Eunae? It's Emma, I said on the phone.
-Emma ! It's been a while, how are you ?
-Fine, really good actually ! Lying was easier than truth, do you want to come to my sister's wedding in.. two weeks ?
-Oh, sure ! What day is it ? Do we have a dress code ?
-They want us to wear something red.. like, really dark purple.
-I'll find something, a neckless or whatever.
-And it's Saturday afternoon in two weeks, you have to be at my place around... 4pm ? 5pm ? The ceremony will start at 6pm I think, but if you want us to get ready together you know...
-Sure, I'll tell you that, but you can count me in ! What are you going to wear ?
-I was going for red hair but I believe my mom would kill my if I did that, so probably red heals with a dress that's a little open on the side.
-What colour ?
-Cream, and you ? Do you need help ?
-I might come in red, do you think a red tie would look bad ?
-You can't look bad in anything.
-We'll see !"

She hanged up soon after that and I looked at the dress that was lying on the bed, it was beautiful, and gift from my sister, probably to apologize I wasn't one of her maid of honour, but i didn't cared, I simply wanted it all to be soon over.

"Is it the dress ? My mom asked knocking at the door.
-Yes, Lucy just gave it to me..
-It's... beautiful, really.. You will look so great in it.
-Lucy has to look great, I don't care.
-I care ! I want both of my daughters to look stunning. Did you see Lucy's dress ?
-It's the one with laces right ? With the back ?
-Yes, do you like it ?
-It's gorgeous, I would marry her if she was wearing that right now."

My mom laughed a little and took my hands in her.

"One day, you too will wear something like that, you will make a really beautiful bride.
-I'm still not that into marriage.
-Aish, I don't know what I messed up in your education! She laughed, well, none of my daughters need to wear a wedding dress to look beautiful.
-That's... sweet, thank you.
-I just couldn't help but notice how... sad you seemed lately.
-I'm fine mom, I promise.
-If you say so.."

The next week was the worst for Lucy, she was stressed out by all of the things she was afraid could go wrong, flowers, her dress, the place, the cake, the groom, but nothing went wrong, only her mood, I was trying to be patient, understanding, but it was only getting worse. Or was I the one who's mood was getting worse ? I was afraid at the idea of meeting all Lucy's friends, all our of family, all with their plus one. The only single people who would be there were under ten years old, even our cousin of fifteen years had someone to bring. I sighed, I would have Eunae, it would be just like old times, both of us against the world.

The night before the wedding felt the worst, and the best in the same time, even if I was still sad for me, I was glad for my sister, she was having a beautiful wedding dispite her situation, she was getting married to a man she loved, and she was glowing for the past two days. She came to my room when I was about to go to sleep.

"Hi.. She said with a shy smile, how do you feel ?
-Fine, what about you ? It's your big day tomorrow...
-I feel so.. thankful actually, for all what you've done for me, you, mom, Hongmin.. Dad..Everyone has been so nice to me, and not just the past two months but..since I was born. And I feel thankful to have a sister like you.
-Well, I'm not exactly the dreamed sister but.. I smiled, it's nice to have you as a sister too, and you are.. perfect, as a sister.
-Don't mock me, she laughed, we were both awful sometimes, but at some point, it doesn't really matter right ?
-No, it doesn't, and now that you're leaving I will finally have mom and dad's complete attention, I said blinking at her.
-No way, I'll still be their favourite child. You know... I'm getting married to the men I've loved for so long.. and it still seems like we met yesterday.
-You mean it's too soon ?
-No, I mean... It's right, it's the right thing to do, I always knew in my heart this was the perfect guy for me.
-Really ? I asked surprised, you always knew he was the one ?
-Somehow yes, life can be tricky and perhaps it could have changed but..I don't have any regrets, people used to tell me, "you're young and beautiful, you shouldn't settle down so quick for a boy" but I don't regret it at all. Even if it wasn't always easy, even if perhaps I would have got different, maybe even better experiences on my own.. I wouldn't change it for anything in the world. I know you're coming with your friend Eunae tomorrow, and I'm glad you do, she is adorable ! I just don't want you to feel sad because you won't be with a boy, if you're coming alone it's because you haven't found the one for you.
-Thank you Lucy, I smiled, but don't worry for me, tomorrow your happiness is going to spread to everyone.
-I hope so.. One last thing.
-Yes ?
-I love you Emma, really, I do.
-I love you too..."

She left the room, she would never be just my sister again, she would be my married sister, she would be a mother, she would be a grown up.
For the first time, I noticed how we were alike, I spend my life looking at our differencies, but that night we looked just the same. Same eyes, same smile, same fears, same love.
I never called Bobby, and he never called me, we never saw each other again after that meeting at the coffee house, but I was still missing him, and that night, it took a great effort not to call him,

But I had dreams, bad dreams, good dreams, I can't say, it was all messed up,  at first, I was with all of my friends, Hyomin, Eunae, even the guy that sometimes works at the coffeehouse with me. It was fun, they were saying fun things, but somehow I felt cold, and the sky was dark, my family appeared in the storm and that same storm took away everything from me. I was in the desert, and I was following footprints, hoping to find my family and my friends, the storm was still here, and when I climbed one of the sand hills, he was here, so I ran to him, but the more I ran, the more away he was, like if some force was pushing him away from me. I couldn't call him, and he was whispering something, "Emma, tell me to come.. tell me", but I couldn't talk, I couldn't make any sound, so he turned his back on me and disappeared. I was left alone in the desert, and the storm striked one last time. It woke me up. The alarm was actually on. It was my sister's wedding day.

To be continued ~