WARNING. I KNOW I'VE ALREADY WARNED FOR TRIGGERS AT THE START OF THIS STORY BUT THIS CHAPTER NEEDS ANOTHER ONE. PLEASE DON'T READ THIS IF YOU'RE IN A BAD MOOD/HAVING A BAD DAY/IN A BAD STATE/ETC.

ALSO THIS IS A BIT LONG SO PLEASE BEAR WITH ME. THANK YOU!!

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There was no changing her mind.

She had bought everything she needed before she had come home and hidden them in her bag. After locking her door, she took out what she had bought and set it on her table.

Everything was ready. All that was left was for her to write letters before hoping to fall into a state of nothingness.

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Mom,

Hey mom. By the time you read this, I will probably be gone. I really just want to say I love you. Thank you. I’m sorry. Take care. I hope you know that.

I wish I told someone what was going on inside my head. Everyday I couldn’t stop the tears from falling and I’ve never felt such a low point in my life. But things worsened when we debuted. Each day I fell lower than I thought would be possible. I resorted o harming myself. I wanted to reach out. I did. I couldn’t bring myself to. It isn’t that I didn’t trust anyone, I just didn’t want to burden others. I’m sorry.

At one point I actually stopped feeling. For a moment I thought that it was better than feeling so many things all at the same time. I found myself self harming a lot more. It was the only way I could feel. Until last light, when I began to feel again. That was when I realised many things.

I was concerning everyone around me even though I didn’t say anything. I was too busy with myself that I failed to take in what was going on around me. I was affecting everyone, in a bad way. You know how much I hate worrying others, let alone burden them and affect their lives.

Thank you for giving birth to me. Even though dad left us, I could have never asked for a better parent. You were everything I needed.

If it’s you who found me, perhaps gone already, I am so sorry. Or else please apologise to whoever it is that found me. It will be harder for the person that found me. I’m sorry for that.

Please take care of yourself,unnie and maybe appa. Also, please take care of the members. They were like my sisters.

Even though I became numb, the thoughts in my head didn’t stop.

In the end, this is the only solution. A permanent solution to temporary problems, I know. But this is what I chose.

It will be ok.

I love you more than anyone else in the world,

Kim So Jung - Ms. Kim's youngest daughter

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To the members who were like my sisters,

Annyeong guys.

Everything will be okay. Maybe now, maybe not now. But if it’s not okay yet, I promise you it will be. Yous might not believe that now, especially coming from someone who is ending her life but it will. Actually I believed in it too. I still do. I just couldn’t keep going, you know? Everyday I hoped for something to change but things just got worse and I just couldn’t do it any longer. I’m sorry unnie wasn’t strong enough to see the end when everything became okay.

Please don’t blame yourselves. You were there for me, I just couldn’t bring myself to reach out to anyone. I would hate for any of you to blame yourself, so please don’t.

Yerin-ah, I know you’ll be a great leader. It’s hard but you will be able to handle it. Just please don’t make the same mistake as me, of trying to carry all the burdens okay? The kids are there to support you, just like the way you’re there for them. ALSO, MAKE YOUR BED EVERYDAY!! Thank you for being friendly the first time we met in the basement

Yuna, don’t beat yourself up too much nor push yourself. I know how you want to put out your best at everything even though you might sometimes be sick. It’s okay to make mistakes and to sometimes be only half-arsed to do something. Even though you’re quiet, you’re really observant. Please keep being observant for the members but don’t forget about you too. Don't cry alone, because you aren't.

Eunbi, you won’t look so small now!! Just try not to stand beside Yuna haha. Listen to Yerin unnie arra?! Even though I always laughed when you won’t listen, you might get murdered by Yerin. Stop being cute, you’re making all the oppas go crazy hehe

YAH HWANG EUN BI!!! I’ll miss Tom and Jerry hehe. I don’t care if you’re saying ewww right now. Keep being the amazing heck of a dancer you are but be careful of your shoulders ok?? Take care of our Omuji!! And maintain patience when teaching the members ;P I'm sorry we couldn't become even closer unlike with the others.

Omujiii, make sure to keep that Hwang Eun Bi with you all the time. She’s only soft when she’s with you haha, but putting that aside. Even though you’re the youngest I need you to mind everyone for me ok??Including yourself of course.  I know we both had it the hardest with haters so I want to tell you especially; don't let them destroy the beautiful you. Keep us together, no matter what happens because of what I have done.

I’m sorry I left guys. I will miss you. Thank you for everything, I will treasure what we had forever.

I believe in every single one of you. Take care of each other, please. I love you just like my own sister.

If I were ever given the choice to choose who I’d want to debut with, I would without a doubt choose all of you again. I couldn’t ask for a better second family or team. Let's all meet again in the very far future even if it isn't here in this world.

Your one and only,

Sojung Unnie

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---- Sowon's POV----

The moment the tip of my pen met the paper I was already in tears. The more I wrote, the faster my tears poured and soon sobs escaped my mouth.

It took me a while to write the letters for my mom and the members. It was nowhere easy. 

Afterall, what exactly are you supposed to say in a letter which you are saying goodbye because you're hopefully leaving this world?

I didn't know where to start with or how to start. I didn't want to have them feel guilty by describing fully what I had gone through. I wanted for them to get closure and I thought that telling them more things than what I had written would only lead to more questions. Perhaps they would end up living a life filled with guilt and "what if" because of me. I would never let that happen.

Even if I wanted to explain what I was going through, how exactly was I meant to write into words something I myself couldn't understand?

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By the time it was 4am Sojung had already turned all the lights off in her room, turned off her lights and was sitting in the corner of her room. The entire apartment was filled with nothing but the sobs that betrayed her and escaped .

However, soon enough her sobbing had stopped and only escaped from her as she stared into the darkness. Was she becoming somewhat numb again?

Maybe it was because she was numb once again or that she was too tired and had completely given up but one by one, she took the sleeping pills. Each time, she would have a thought going through her mind.

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My heart was thumping. I felt the need to take quick, shallow breaths yet it didn't help.

I took the blade to my wrists. Slowly yet deeply, I began to cut.

One - for being a burden

Even though it was dark and I couldn't see, I could feel blood leaving my wrist.

two - for hurting others

More. It wasn't enough.

three - for being useless

One step closer to oblivion.

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I lost count of the amount of cuts I made. My racing heart didn't slow down and only seemed to beat even faster.

My ears were ringing.

I was struggling to keep my eyes open. To continue cutting.

I felt heavy.

"Sojung!!" "Sojung!!!" "Please!!"

"Unnie!!!"

Perhaps I was imagining things by now. Through my ringing ears I could hear muffled screaming and banging.

The last thing I could remember as I brought the blade upon my wrist once again was light entering my room and through my blurry eyes, I saw someone running in before I lost consciousness.

If only I had reached out. Gotten help. Talked to someone.

But it's too late.

I already let others and the demons inside me destroy Kim So Jung.

I lost.

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a/n : Thank you for reading this. I'm sorry too ,please don't hate me. It took a while to write this and honestly I'm still not satisfied with it at all because what I have in my head for this, it just can't be described by me. I don't think there's ever going to be one way to describe what it's like. If it be described, that is....

If there's any of you out there who is going through something, please talk to someone. Even though sometimes or often some of us think we are alone, we aren't. There is at least one person out there that cares and is there for you. 

No issue or topic is ever too small or stupid if it bothers you. Don't ever compare what you are going through to what others are going through because everyone is different. You are you. I am me. We have different thoughts, feelings, capacity of dealing with things and way of dealing with them. 

Most of all, please don't be quick to judge anyone. You don't know what is going on in their mind and life.

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on a lighter note, are you all looking forward to the comeback?:) I preordered the album in two versions but then like the other day mwave started taking preorders for signed albums and I was just disappointed because I didn't know about it. It is afterall my first time buying a kpop album and my first proper comeback with GFRIEND! Maybe and hopefully next year I could get it personally signed by them if I do end up studying in SK for the year!!