"Selfishness is the greatest curse of the human race " - William E. Gladstone

"The real thing about this world is everyone is selfish, the difference is who is less" - anon

-----------

Sitting at the corner of my pitch-dark room with my eyes closed I took in the silence that filled the empty dorm. We had no schedule today so the girls went to the amusement park. I excused myself saying I had things to sort out. It wasn't a lie. Today was a bad day. Those days were becoming more often,nearly everyday now. I knew there was something wrong but I didn't care anymore.

Just like my pitch- dark bedroom, I was trying to sort out the darkness inside me. It was taking over me. However, I regretted staying. It only left me to nothing but the silence and darkness that I couldn't fight. Suddenly I thought of something. Maybe it would distract me.

'Self-harm'

It was something that was always on my mind. Yet not something I ever thought I'd do. Because if I ever get caught, I'll end up hurting people that cares. If any. I'll end up bringing the group down. I didn't want to be selfish. But the thing is, it's okay to be selfish sometimes. Everyone is selfish. Some barely but some are so damn selfish that they'd do anything for themselves. Selfishness . It's embedded within everybody.

Just like my parents who use me.

Just like the fans who bash whoever they don't like from our group or any other group whenever they please - just to satisfy themselves without even considering how we would feel.

Just like the members. 

Just like my old best friend from my trainee days. Sojin 

Sojin left. To run away from it all. Nothing seemed to be wrong with her. Or at least that's what it seemed like. People thought she was okay, until one day she left us. Only a few people knew what she was going through. That she was losing herself. That she wasn't okay at all. Including me. 

I could have done something. Perhaps she would still be here. But I didn't. Neither did anyone else.

---Flashback---

"Sojung-ah. Thank you for being there." Sojin said as we arrived at our flats' floor. 

"Sojin.. I'll always be there. Remember? I've got you. You've got me. We have each other."

"Of course." She replied to me  with a smile that didn't quite match the sadness in her eyes.

With that she went into her flat and I went to mine.

-

That night I woke up to my phone ringing. I answered it without looking at the caller ID.

"Sojung.... I'm so sorry. Thank you for everything." It was Sojin. She was sobbing uncontrollably.

"Yah. Where are you?? I'm coming. Open your door." I said as I got up from my bed.

"No. Listen to me. Please."

I stood still once she began to speak again.

"Please don't blame yourself. You were there for me when no one else was. That's all I could ever ask for. I've been pretending for so long Sojung. So that no one gets affected by what I'm going through. But I'm done. I'm tired. Please tell everyone that I love them and I'm sorry. I'm going to be selfish just this one last time. Don't be like me ok? I know you're also lost but you're stronger. It'll be ok Sojung. I'll watch you up there, if it exists. It'll be ok Sojung. Everything will be ok."

With that she hung up. I darted to her flat immediately and banged on the door desperately, sobbing. She didn't answer. Randomly punching in random codes, I got the door to open after a few tries.

I was too late.

Pills were scattered across the floor. Along with a fallen chair. There she was. Blood dripping down her wrists onto the floor. Her body hanging lifelessly.

---End of Flashback---

Without realising it, I was crying. Closing my eyes once again I imagined her.

"Sojin. It's my fault isn't it? If only I realised from the way you smiled at me that night. If only I was stronger. If only I ran to you while listening instead of standing still as you spoke. Perhaps I wouldn't be so alone and lost. Maybe you would still be here. It's my fault.I'm going to be selfish just this time. I'm sorry for not being stronger Sojin." 

Finding the razor I bought, I gave in to the temptation. It hurt at first but somehow, I felt better seeing the blood coming out. Soon enough, one cut turned into more. I felt a sense of release and bliss. Something I hadn't felt in a while.

--------------

a/n : i'm not too sure about this.... sorry guys