Have you ever been in a room full of people yet felt so alone? Standing there watching everyone and everything go by as if you weren't even in it?

Right now that's what I am feeling. Yerin, Eunha, Yuju, Sinb and Umji are standing in the waiting room with me and our staff happily waiting for our turn to perform on Mnet. Yet here I am just watching them and pretending to smile whilst pushing away that dull aching feeling in my heart and the negative thoughts in my mind.

Happiness.

People say that they're down or sad when they're not happy. But the thing is, I don't think one can be happy every second of the day. Happiness is a momentary feeling. It comes and goes. Just because you're not happy doesn't mean you're sad or down. You can be content.

"Unnie! Are you listening to what we're talking about?"

I must have spaced out. Get yourself together Kim Sojung.

"Oh mianhe Yuna. I need to go to the bathroom. I'll be quick." I said to them and made my way out. 

I don't even need to go to the bathroom. I just want a few minutes of silence so I can compose myself. Thankfully the bathroom is empty and I don't need to force a smile on my face. Staring at the mirror I could see myself. Eyes so hollow and dead. My lips is shaped into a frown and I didn't even realise this.

Kim Sojung get yourself together. You can't even contribute anything into the group so at least pretend to be happy. That's the least you can do. Useless leader. Useless person. Stop dragging everyone down every minute you breathe. Useless. Untalented. Black hole. Burden. Unwanted.

"Sojung unnie!! It's our turn. You said you wouldn't take long. They're about to get angry!" Yerin whispered angrily.

Couldn't even do that right could you?

Stop. Please stop torturing me and hide at the back of my mind. Better yet, please go away and never come back.

I hate the voice in my head. Sometimes I can bear it but other times I believe it so much that I don't even fight it anymore.

"Unnie let's go. Chaebal. Before we actually get in trouble."

Again. "Hm let's go. Mianhe Yerin I must be really tired since I keep spacing out." I said and started to walk with her.

With one last glance at the mirror I practiced my smile so that people won't notice.

Not that anyone would care anyway.