I stare at the food on my plate.

I’m eating alone again in this huge apartment of mine;

The music playing in the background like it’s the theme song of my life.

“I think I’m ugly,

And nobody wants to love me,

Just like her I wanna be pretty,

I wanna be pretty,

Don’t lie to my face,

Telling me I’m pretty.”

I play around with the food on my plate.

Onew had gone through so much trouble just to bring lunch over for me.

I know I should appreciate his effort and eat up,

But I just don’t feel like eating.

I sigh and picked up a piece of chicken.

I slowly chewed it and it tasted good.

Two more mouthfuls afterwards, though,

I feel nauseous.

Isn’t all this food fattening?

I sigh again,

Putting the leftovers in my fridge.

I go to the bathroom,

Feeling extremely nauseous.

I didn’t puke though,

Although it felt like I was going to.

I lifted up my shirt and looked into the mirror.

I know for a fact that I’m not FAT;

But I know that I’m not thin either.

I see those girls on tv that are stick thin and I feel afraid;

What did they have to do to get there?

Starve themselves?

Work out 24/7?

…or maybe they were just naturally thin.

Which I’m not.

I’m not naturally thin.

It scares me.

I’m afraid of myself.

I haven’t eaten a proper meal for days,

Yet I feel this odd sense of satisfaction when I realize that fact.

Nobody’s noticed;

Because nobody is close enough to notice.

Onew, Minho and Taemin care,

But they are just too far away and too busy to notice.

I don’t mind, though;

At least it saves me from answering their questions.

I feel so alone;

I haven’t slept properly in days.

He used to hold me when I sleep.

Now, I just sleep alone.

It’s depressing and I feel lonely.

The emptiness next to me and inside of me chills me to the core and I’m afraid.

“I’m awake in the infinite cold.”

I want someone,

Someone to love me,

To infinity and beyond,

For who I am and nothing else,

Even if I am imperfect,

Even if I am broken.

But I want so much to be perfect.

I try not to glance in the mirror,

But I glanced at my reflection anyways.

I’ve been complimented that I’m beautiful,

But I don’t feel that way.

I flinch and quickly look away,

Trying to not let it get to me,

But it’s too late-

The self-hate drowns me again.

I’m suffocating, I can’t breathe.

I’m fighting for air, trying to land on my feet.

Will my savior, my angel, ever come to save me?

I have to be strong, I have to stay strong,

The undercurrent’s trying to pull me down,

But I know I can fight this.

Just try;

I know I can do this.

Isn’t this something I’ve learned?

After being hurt and cut open so many times,

Only to be left bleeding,

Haven’t I learned to be strong?

I run to the fridge and grab a bar of chocolate.

Chocolate.

It’s what I need right now.

I eat almost half a bar before feeling nauseous again.

What have I done?

I ran to the bathroom and threw up;

Again, trying to avoid looking in the mirror while I gurgle and wash up after.

Again,

I failed.

I look at my reflection and wonder what I’ve done wrong.

Why am I so imperfect?

Why am I so unworthy?

Why am I so.. ugly?

I ram my fist into the mirror,

Trying to get the self hate at bay.

Self hate is not that bad;

But I absolutely loathe self pity.

Self pity is one thing I cannot stand.

So I lay down on my bed,

Playing some music,

Fighting an inner battle.

Let me win this one, please?

Let me not have so many issues and just be normal, please?

I don’t know who I’m asking;

But I know that I’m the only one who can do this.

I’ll eat a proper meal tomorrow,

I promise myself,

Before crying myself to sleep again.

A/N :

The words in italic are song lyrics;

(songs that the character's listening to)

The first song is 2NE1's Ugly;

The second is from A Walk To Remember's 'Only Hope' (by Mandy Moore)

or the Dream High OST, which Suzy of miss A sang.

(the original is from A Walk To Remember though.. -which I guess everybody knows lol)

Let me know what you think (:

P/S. This is just an introduction;

The other character will come in later.

..oh that's right. I didn't mention who's P.O.V.  this chapter is :D

hahah. I guess you'll have to wait and see (:

Although I guess most of you can guess lol.