Chapter 6: Okay.

2011

12 o'clock in the noon.

    Junhong ended dance's practice and went to the park near to the dance school. It was a small park with big trees full of white and red flowers. There were never people around at noon, so he liked spending time there.

    He needed space, it wasn’t always great to share house with other five people. Sometimes he wanted to be alone and listen to his favorite music and skateboard at will.

    He sat on a park bench and put on the headphones and played his favorite song; Going Crazy by Song Ji Eun noona and Bang Yongguk hyung.

    The first time he heard the song, he fell in love with Yongguk hyung's part at first sight; the rapping was dope and the lyrics were amazing and strong, though, Junhong didn't understand love, after all, he was only fifteen. The song was about a guy obsessed with a girl he likes, some said it was stalking and illegal and others said it was true love, a fervent one.

    Then again, Junhong was fifteen years old; he didn’t think much about that. He just loved Yongguk’s voice and fiery rapping.

    “Hey, Junhong-ah.” a low voice called him, but Junhong didn't hear, then one hand grabbed his headphones and took it off.

    Junhong startled and gazed up, the sunlight of the noon shined around Yongguk hyung, who smiled to him widely.

    “Oh, hyung, sorry, I was distracted...” Junhong got lost in Yongguk’s voice and having him, all of sudden, in flesh before him was surreal.

    “You're still hearing this song?” Yongguk asked as he could hear his own rapping.

    “I can't stop it, really love it, you're the best rapper ever!!!”

    “Don't make a fuss.” Yongguk said brushing his hair.

    “I don't!!! You’re so incredible!!! You wrote the lyrics even when the record had doubts since you got zero experience, but you're so extraordinary you shut them up!!!”

    “I'm not extraordinary at all. I just wrote what I felt at the time...” Yongguk blushed.

    “You are extraordinary to me.” Junhong said eagerly.

    Yongguk felt his face turning red and hot, he thought the younger was exaggerating.

    “Himchan ordered me to take you to the dorms.” Yongguk said shyly. “It's lunch time. But I knew how much you like to hang out here… So I brought you the food. It’s chicken sandwich with kimchi.” Yongguk offered the bag with the sandwich inside.

    “Oh, thank you, hyung!!!” Junhong took the bag and got the sandwich, and then he looked at the older. “There's only one.”

    “I already ate ramyeon.”

    “I see. But, can you join me?” Junhong loved that park and loved to spending time with the black-haired man, however, recently, he couldn't have Yongguk for himself, since he had interviews and radio shows to promote the song.

    “Of course.” he leaned on Junhong and elbowed him aside and sat next to him.

    Junhong didn't move away, he liked the closeness.

    “Eat now before that cools.” Yongguk messed with Junhong's hair, was blond and curly. Soft and spongy. 

    Junhong obeyed. He ate and Yongguk watched. Yongguk enjoyed the view of the younger eating and when he saw breadcrumbs on Junhong's cheek he didn't think twice and spread his hand to his cheek and cleaned it up with his fingers carefully.

    Junhong moved his face and his lips ran into Yongguk’s fingers, but no one shocked or broke apart; they felt extremely comfortable to have so many skinship.

    “Let's listen to some music.” Yongguk smiled and used his free hand to look for the playlist on Junhong's phone.

    “Going crazy!!!”

    “Man, you hear that, how many times a day? Let’s hear something else.” Yongguk said and smiled when he found the song he liked.

    Dream by Dynamic Duo feat. Bada started playing.

    “You hear that a lot too.” Junhong said.

    “The lyrics are really cool! Choiza sunbaenim and Gaeko sunbaenim are very good at writing lyrics.”

    “You're very good too.” Junhong said “I wish I could write lyrics like you.”

    “Junhong, I already told you, I'm not good, I just wrote what I felt.”

    “And how can I write what I feel? It sounds stupid, but how do you know what you're feeling? Himchan hyung says you're very in love with a girl from your school, that's why you wrote Going Crazy effortlessly… I wish to feel that for someone and then be able to write like you...”

    “Himchan said what? I'm not into anyone.”

    “So, who were you thinking about when you wrote that?”

    “Nobody” Yongguk shrugged his shoulders.

    “How can you feel such strong things for nobody?”

    “Well, I guess I wrote those things for someone I haven't met yet. I guess, someday I'll meet someone I'll be so infatuated I'll never let go, and I’ll love her intensely.” Yongguk said “But not now, not today, I haven’t met someone like that yet. I guess, after all, it’s just a song.”      

2017

4 o'clock in the morning.

    “Here we are.” Yongguk said bringing Junhong to a remote park with old benches and trees with red-yellow leaves.

    “What's this place?”

    “Don't you remember? We used to hang out in here virtually every day.”

    “I remember... But... what are we doing here?” Junhong asked, still sleepy.

    “I know you and I know you’re upset because we don't talk much and you may think I don't care..., but I do; I miss to talk to you too. I even remember the things we talked back then when we came here together.”

    Yongguk headed to the bench and sat down; Junhong followed him and sat by his side. The closeness was awkward and they knew that, after all, they weren't 21 years old and 15, anymore. The harmless touching wasn't usual in adults (except in lovers), of course, they played and did a lot of skinship on stage, but that was work.

    “I remember when you told me you put Youngjae’s clothes in the washer and some pink fabric; his clothes turned pink and he became so mad and you were so afraid you blamed Jongup-ah and Youngjae cut out the ni(pples) from all Jongup’s shirts.”

    “That was funny! When Jongup wore one shirt and didn't realize the ni(pples) cut out and went to the convenience store.” Junhong burst into peals of laughter.

    “I also remember you’re saying how much you wanted trying alcohol even if you were 15, but, damn, you were already drunk.”

    “I recall that.” Junhong said “You had to piggyback me to the dorms.”

    “At the very thought, my back hurts!”

    “Don't be so mean, I gave you a massage!”

    “And you used to talk a lot about the girl you liked from your dance class...”

    “Yeah, I couldn't talk to others; Himchan gave me a se(x) doll to practice kissing.” Junhong said and felt embarrassed, everytime he threw the doll away, he woke up with it by his side on the bed (Himchan did it)

    “I remember things too.” Junhong said “You talked a lot about drawing and painting; you said if you weren't singer, you'd be a painter or an author of comics. As well I remember when you confessed to me, you drank Daehyun’s special honeysugarlemongarliccinnamon blend for his voice by accident, and you made a new drink before he could see it’s missing. But your blend was made of tomato, chili, parsley, chocolate, vanilla, onion and I don't know what else, you sent Daehyun hyung to the bathroom all day long.”

   “Yeah.” Bang Yongguk chuckled “He can't figure out what happened yet.”

   Unconsciously, Junhong shortened the distance between them, suddenly; he felt good being close to the rapper.

    “But, mostly, I remember you used to say I'm great, amazing, talented and wonderful...” Bang Yongguk lowered his head and stared at his feet.

    “I'm still saying that. You’re great, amazing, talented and wonderful and more.”

    “That's why I can't talk to you now.” Yongguk said roughly.

    Junhong was taken by surprise and watched Yongguk with eyes wide open.

    “If I talk to you now, I’m afraid you’ll leave. There’s a lot going on my head. I'm terrified of flopping, I hate myself for not being good enough and I don't want to drag you guys with me into failure... Sometimes I can't even breathe properly, I feel like my heart will blast at any time... But now you know. The thing I'm more afraid of is you disliking me for not being worthy... I don't want you to think I'm a loser that can't keep his together...”

    “It's not about my ego; don't think I want you to worship me as if I were God. I just... I don't want to disappoint you... That's why I keep my crap for myself and the therapist... I want to give you my best, someone you can rely on... I want you to be proud of me instead of thinking I’m .”

    Bang Yongguk said it and felt oppression in his chest and his breathing became impossible. He was ashamed for saying those things, but there wasn't turn around, he kept looking at the ground; he was frightened of facing Junhong and seeing how annoyed he was for his troubled and weak self.

    Junhong might be thinking I'm lame and pathetic. Man, why did I tell those things? Please, God, let this be a nightmare... Bang Yongguk thought and felt like puking up and running away. He wanted the earth to open up and swallow him. He regretted for sharing so much with Junhong, now the maknae had the right to be ashamed of him for being so pitiful.

    While Yongguk overthought, Junhong leant forward and hugged him tightly. Their cheeks touched, Junhong placed his lips against Yongguk’s earlobe and said:

    “I don't think you're less after this... and even though I look up to you, I know you aren't perfect and that's why I like you more than anybody else in this world. You keep working hard no matter what... You keep going on with all your ...” Junhong’s voice sounded broken and Yongguk felt his cheek heating up with tears.

    “Are you crying?” Yongguk cupped Junhong's face in his hands “Don't cry, please, don't.”

    “I'm glad you've told me about how you're feeling... but I'm still mad at you... because you're so fu(cking) stupid! Why would you think I'd dislike you for being human? I have fears and low self-esteem too, maybe not as deep as you, but would you hate me if I were in your place? No! I'm sure, you'd be still liking me and caring for me, that's why, never ever again bury your feelings from me!!! I can take your sadness and worries. I can do nothing to help you, but I'll listen all the things you have to say...”

    Junhong kept crying and dropped his head against Yongguk’s chest, even if he was big; he became tiny and small in Yongguk’s arms. The older felt guilty for making him cry, so lighter and easier, his fear of losing Junhong was unfounded, the maknae didn't run from him, didn't call him pathetic or treat him like leprosy.

    Yongguk rubbed his hand on Junhong's back, he liked how warm he was, and he caressed his neck and his hair slowly.

    Yongguk drew his lips to Junhong's ear and whispered:

    “From now on, I promise I won't hide from you...”

    “We'll talk honestly like we used to? And do things together?”

    “Yes. I'll stop guessing what you may think of me and I'll start spending more time with you like the old days. Is it ok to you?”

    “Yeah, hyung, it is. We don't have to be siamese, though. Just talk to me when you're down or your therapist is busy. I don't charge a lot.” Junhong joked and pulled away.

    Yongguk pressed his thumb near Junhong's red eyes, he still felt bad for making him cry.

    “What about hanging out now? Let’s go to the coffee shop we like so much.” Yongguk said brightly.

    “Let's do it after I get some sleep.” the younger said. “I'm really tired and sleepy... Why didn’t you wait for me to wake up?”

    “I didn't want you to be mad at me any longer.”

    “I'm still mad at you.” Junhong got up from the bench.

    “I know. I’m really stupid for pushing you away.” Yongguk reached Junhong’s hand and walked together back to the bike.